Title: Shadow
Rating: Light R
Pairing: Ji Hoo x Jan Di (Rui x Tsukushi)
Summary: One-shot. There are things he does not say.
Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me except the story.
A/N: This fic relies heavily on canon events. I've always been a RuixTsukushi shipper in any version, but I've never been active about it. However, the Korean version has been really good to my RxT shipping heart so I just had to pick up my pen and write. So you guys get this.
The plane is already in the air when they arrive.
Too late, he thought bitterly, angry at himself for failing her. He knows she is already starting to cry, even as she got off the bike.
She drags her feet forward, as if it will help close the growing distance between her and the plane. She doesn't seem to even notice her lunchbox falling to the ground, as she stares up at the sky, watching Gu Jun Pyo fly away.
Ji Hoo catches up to her and pulls her towards him. "He'll be back," he says, his voice soothing, his hands running familiar circles on her back. He knows this isn't enough – he isn't enough- but comforting her has been second nature to him, and for now, this is all he can do. She says nothing and leans on him, and it takes a while before her own hands clutch at his back, her shoulders shaking.
He remembers the time he held her in New Celadonia, after coming back from France.
He was lonely, the ache of his rejection still sharp in his chest, even though his face betrayed nothing.
She found him alone, after his calm mask was gone, but for some reason, he wanted her to see him that way.
He told her "I'm cold" when he meant "Don't leave"
The next day when he said "Why didn't I just like a girl like you?" he actually meant,. "Save me."
And then he kissed her, and in those few uncertain seconds, his pain was dulled and he thought, perhaps, that loneliness wasn't his only option.
He wondered if this was also how Jan Di felt back then, if she was as pained and desperate as he is now; he also wonders if there was a small part of her that was a little hopeful, and if she also tried to deny it.
xoxoxox
She finds him sweeping out cobwebs from their stairwell one time, and when she asks why, he says "It's traditional for a sanctuary to be at least clean if not spotless."
A smile creeps into her face, and Ji Hoo is again pleasantly surprised at how little gestures move her, when flamboyant displays do not. She reaches out a hand to his face, and his breath hitches, before he realized she just removed a dust bunny from his hair.
"Better be careful, I know you rich kids are allergic to dust."
He chuckles. "Did you know that dust come from falling stars?" he says instead. Her mouth forms an "o", and for a moment, he wonders if there's more to what he said than just a fact of the matter. He doesn't wonder long though, because his nose suddenly twitches. Then he sneezes.
She bursts out laughing, loudly, genuinely, and he can't help but laugh with her. Her laughter is a sound that touches him in a way no instrument can, and it thrills him to be the one eliciting it out of her. She is a girl who puts her heart into everything she does, sometimes in ways that absolutely defy dignity, and that is just one of the many reasons she is more real to him than any other girl he knows, including Seo Hyun.
It is at that moment, that mundane, ridiculous moment, where he is wiping his nose with the handkerchief she shoved in his face, that he realizes that she is the one he can't live without.
xoxoxoxo
Three months pass. She is restless, but she hides it well from everyone except him. He has caught her staring at her cell phone as if willing it to play that special ringtone she assigned for Jun Pyo. Each day, she reads his last message to her, wondering when the next one will come. He knows she checks her mail everyday.
He knows it is Jun Pyo that she thinks about whenever he catches her spacing out at the stairwell.
When she turns to him, her eyes always have the same question "When is he coming back?"
He doesn't know the answers, and a small, guilty part of him is glad about that.
xoxoxoxo
He never reveals much about his life, always careful about what he allows others to see. This is because he believes that people who share too much lose more of themselves, until their identities are not so much their own, but the amalgamation of different influences.
But with her, opening up is easy, inconsequential and safe, and he finds himself wanting her to know more about his life and who he is.
"So you're ticklish spot is your lower back. I see." Her smile takes a devious turn. "I'm duty bound to tell you that there may be a time when you'll regret telling me this."
He smirks, and instead of replying, he promptly goes for her ticklish spot.
She yelps and tries to run away, and soon, they were duking it out on his carpeted floor, armed with makeshift pillow shields, playing a game of tag like little children.
It ends with her pinning him face down on the bed. It always ends like this, though he'd never have it any other way. He could turn the tide of the battle easily, but he loves touching her and being touched by her, so much that he doesn't mind losing. Touching means being close to each other, and close to her is the only place he wants to be.
"Do you surrender?" she asks in a voice obviously meant to sound menacing but comes out horribly cute instead.
He holds his hands up, smiling secretly. "Only to you."
He doesn't mind having less of himself, if it means filling more of her in him.
xoxoxoxo
Supporting her trip to Macau had been a bitter pill to swallow. On one hand, he's doing this for her happiness; on the other hand, it makes his heart ache to send her back to the man who cannot even be bothered to contact her in six months, after promising to come back. He knows she will cry again.
Still, it had to be done. He doesn't want her to wait much longer.
He clutches the plane ticket in his hand, as he waits for Yi Jung and Woo Bin.
I'm here beside you all the way, yet you still set your sights across the sea.
I'm coming there. Look at me.
xoxoxoxo
She does cry again, as expected. With her mask on, he doesn't see the tears in her eyes, but he remembers it all too well.
xoxoxoxo
He watches as she slowly walks towards the bridge to get her closure. Ten minutes later, he sees her walking towards the gondola, her gaze unfocused and seemingly dazed.
He doesn't approach her, at least not right away. He knows what transpired between her and his best friend, and he knows she needs space. He watches as she gets on the gondola, watches as the boat operator refuses her money and sings for her. He follows the boat, his footsteps heavy on the pavement as he watches her silently break down.
For a fleeting moment, he feels an urge to hunt Gu Jun Pyo down, drag him here, and make him watch her cry. He wants to tell him ,"You say you know pain. Tell me, how does it feel to be the one to break something so beautiful?"
The urge to make her smile again is greater, however. So he stays hidden, and he watches, and he waits.
She gets off the ride, and wipes her eyes.
He knows talking it out is the last thing she needs, so he goes for another approach. He puts on a chopper hat, loving how ridiculous it looks, and buys ice cream for both of them.
"Give me today," he tells her, waving the cold treat in front of her face. "In exchange for ice cream."
A small smile plays upon her lips, and Ji Hoo knows he did the right thing.
xoxoxoxo
Back in the hotel, she bids him good night. Their companions have left, and they have both decided to leave the next day. For a nightcap, he goes to the kitchen and makes some tea. He thinks about making pancakes, but there are no ingredients in the cupboard.
The radio plays an English song, a duet about love and loss and pain.
I wanted you to know, I loved the way you laugh
I want to hold you high, and steal your pain away
The teacup stops midway to his mouth and his gaze unconsciously lands on the door to her room.
... Coz I'm broken, when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right, when you're gone away *
He grabs an extra teacup from the cupboard, places them on a tray and heads towards her door, not knowing why, but feeling like he should be there.
He steps into her room. He has only been gone for a few minutes, but already, the place seems to drown in despair.
She is sitting on the bed, hugging a pillow to her chest. He sets the tea aside and approaches her cautiously, seeking permission to get closer. She makes room for him, and he sits beside her, and waits for her to speak.
After several minutes of heavy silence, she finally speaks. "He said I was a stain he wanted to erase."
He closes his eyes and breaths deeply, willing himself to quell the anger rising within him. Jun Pyo can be cruel, but those words were nothing short of heartless. Ji Hoo wrapped an arm around the Jan Di's shoulder, and pulled her close. It hurt him to see her hurting.
"Will you be okay?" he asks, even though he already knows the answer.
It doesn't take long for her tears to fall. Again. This is the third time. Her trembling hands drop the pillow, and came to clutch his shirt tightly instead.
She doesn't cry quietly—her tears came in loud, heartbreaking sobs. So palpable is her pain that it seems to spill out of her in waves, inflicting Ji Hoo with it, so much that he feels his own heart grieve. He can do nothing more, except hold her tight, and curse Jun Pyo for breaking her this way.
Her sobs settle down after a while. Still, he doesn't let go, and she doesn't ask him to.
Instead, she slowly moves to lie down, pulling him with her to do the same. He hesitates, but only for a fleeting moment. Despite himself, a surge of happiness bursts through him as he realizes the depth of her trust- and just how much she needs him.
He settles beside her, enveloping her in his warmth. She says "Stay with me" like she is drowning, and his presence is the only thing keeping her afloat.
He inhales the scent of her hair, and murmurs "Always," at the back of her neck.
xoxoxoxo
The notes he strums on the borrowed guitar are frequently punctuated by clinking coins, as his growing audience give him tokens of their appreciation. They probably do not know Korean, but they seem to understand.
The song he sings speaks of clear skies, love, waiting and a sad kind of happiness. It was a song he composed for her. As he sings, he thinks of all the things he and Jan Di should not mean to each other, though his heart refuses to settle for anything less than hope.
xoxoxoxo
She sings Jun Pyo a love song that Ji Hoo had helped her learn.
In a way, the situation probably sums their little triangle the best. Often, he had pushed them towards each other without question. He keeps pushing Jun Pyo's heart back in Jan Di's grasp; he teaches her new ways to give her own heart in return.
He is getting tired, and he wonders again, for the hundredth time, why he always has to be the one to give in.
xoxoxoxo
He hates the star and moon necklace. Everything it represents is a lie, or so he has tried to convince himself sometimes. Jun Pyo, the star, will never let go of of Jan Di, the moon.
A lie.
He wants her to see that it was Jun Pyo who ran away from her, the one who pushed her away when she tried to find him, the one who cannot see how much she sacrificed to love him.
While he, Yoon Ji Hoo, who is neither star or moon, but a mere shadow of both, has never left
xoxoxoxo
He stares at their fake wedding photos, wondering if this is the closest he will ever get to being together with her as something more than what they are now.
She looks happy, and so does he. He pushes away the temptation to make it so he doesn't have to wonder why it can't be real.
xoxoxoxo
"The desire to protect something… I never thought I'd have it. Until I met you."
It's true. She has come to mean so many things to him that he can't keep track of all of them. Jan Di for him is summer, varying shades of green, pancakes, pink knitted gloves and piggy back rides. She is determination made human, a well of strength, a beacon, family. Because of her, he has grown and changed so much, that looking back at his life before her fills him with a mild sense of disgust.
The waterworks are particularly beautiful this night. He catches her glancing at him, deep in thought. He gets the feeling that she's about to do something again, but he doesn't pressure her to say anything. He'll find out sooner or later.
"Let's go home," she says, linking her arm in his in a most uncharacteristic yet strangely familiar manner.
The next night, she is gone. She took nothing with her except perhaps, that piece of his soul that he has pressed into her hands a long time ago.
xoxoxoxo
It hurts.
Pushing her back to the arms of his best friend is like taking poison and watching Jun Pyo grow stronger for it. All Ji Hoo wants is to love her, and make her love him in turn. He can do that now, take advantage of Jun Pyo's amnesia and pursue her as she steadily falls further away from the man who refuses to validate her existence.
But he doesn't. He knows he can, and sometimes he tries to convince himself that he should, but in the end, he doesn't.
He isn't about to be the one to make her unhappy, and if it means showing his outrage at Jun Pyo for forgetting, he does it, even though a part of him is only too happy to stop him from remembering.
Moreover, he reminds himself that it is Jun Pyo who saved his life, and their friendship is more important than this petty jealousy. So he pushes aside his own feelings, and bears his pain alone. Between his own guilt and the desire to make Jan Di happy, he needs to keep trying, needs to stay in his doomed role, even though he just wants to give it up.
He cannot tell if her smile is forced, but her voice is surprisingly calm, almost soothing. "How long were you standing outside? Your hands are so cold." She takes both of his hands in hers, and warms them.
"It's your heart that is cold right now." The words tumble out of his mouth, and he regrets them immediately. He misses the warmth of her hands the second after they stopped rubbing his. "You don't have to act so strong in front of me," he tells her, his voice coming out harsher than he intends.
She smiles wistfully at him. "It's not acting strong… It's because you're here for me that I can be strong."
"Jan Di…"
She stands up before he can reply. "I'll go get some tea."
xoxoxoxo
"It hurts so much, Sunbae. I don't know how much longer I can take this."
"What do you want me to do?"
"I want to forget him, the way he has forgotten me. Make me forget him. Please."
A moment's hesitation was all he needed, before he closed the distance between them, cupping her face in his hands as he kissed her. He was gentle, at first, testing the waters. She didn't resist, and he took it as permission to continue.
He held the back of her neck as he deepened the kiss, tasting her desperation, her broken dreams. She held on to him like a lifeline, her hands pressing onto his back, and for some reason, he found himself wishing it would leave marks.
Suddenly, she reciprocated- forcefully, despite the tear stains on her cheek, challenging him to exert his own strength to keep up. The mattress squeaks as they both fell on the bed, fumbling, frantic, desperate.
He had waited for this chance, this moment for the longest time, and to find her here beneath him and yielding to his advances drove all semblance of moral consequence from his mind. And it just wasn't him- she was definitely out of her mind as well, because she didn't push him away; she was letting him touch her in places Jun Pyo never even dared, allowing him to slide a hand up her thigh, encouraging him to consume her whole. Her fingers were tangled in his hair, and she murmured her consent against the hollow of his neck, pulling him closer even as he pushed her down so hard they seemed to sink through the mattress.
Every voice in his head screamed at him that this was wrong –so fucking wrong- but he doesn't, couldn't stop, and he never ever wanted to.
He never imagined that it would come to this, nor had he imagined it would be this rough and unrefined- her mouth sliding under his, hands determined to touch every surface of skin, hips crashing at increasingly awkward angles, limbs that wrapped around shoulders and thighs like a hot, tangled mess. He knew that both of them will regret this later on, but that didn't matter to him now. What mattered was that he was here with her, and there was no room for anything else.
He kicked off his pants just as she undid the last of her buttons, and for all his recklessness up to this point, he managed to search her eyes for fear or revulsion on what he was about to do. "There is no turning back, you know this," he said, his voice hoarse with need.
"I know." Her face is the picture of calm determination. "Do it."
He wakes up with a start, sweat meandering down the pale column of his neck. The room is suddenly hot and humid, and he gulps down mouthfuls of air, his hands unconsciously grabbing fistfuls of his blanket. The dream, that wretched, beautiful dream reels in his mind, images so vivid they flash through his head like a slideshow. He shakes his head, tries to throw off the images off, and that's when he discovers that he is still so so hard it borders on pain. Shame bubbles inside him, and he flees to the bathroom.
The shower he takes is almost freezing at four in the morning, but he welcomes it, even as he shivers, goose bumps peppering his skin. He refuses to satisfy himself.
xoxoxoxo
The next week, she almost drowns just to force Jun Pyo to remember, and words cannot convey the self-loathing Ji Hoo feels when he forces himself not to save her.
xoxoxoxo
"I had a dream once, while I was in New Celadonia," she tells him, while they rest on their stairwell, after a long hard day in medical school ."There was a fortune teller and she told me that my future husband and soulmate were in the same place as I am."
He isn't sure how to feel at this strange track of thought, but he just shrugs. "You must have felt very fortunate then," he replies, a hint of teasing in his voice.
She rolls her eyes at him. "More like confused. She said that my soulmate and future husband are not the same."
His smile becomes a bit brittle. "Hmm. Interesting,"
"At first I didn't understand what she was saying, because how can that be? If I were to marry someone, I'd want him to be my soulmate, someone who can complete me. I want to marry for love, and nothing else."
"Of course you would." It never fails to amaze him, how for all of Jan Di's transparency, she still has things to tell.
She hugs her knees to her chest. "Now though, I understand."
He keeps his expression vaguely interested, although he isn't sure he wants to hear what she is about to say.
"I can't forget Gu Jun Pyo, and the way he makes me feel. I love him so much that I don't think I can stop if I wanted to," she says, her gaze fixed almost dreamily at that old chalk drawing of Jun Pyo on the wall. "But when I think about everything we've been through just to be together, I remember you too. You were always there for me- for us, and no matter how I look at it, he and I wouldn't get this far without you."
He already knows this, knows it all too well. He forces himself to smile. He thinks of something to say, but comes out blank, because really, what else can he tell her that she doesn't already know? I love you, a voice inside him replies immediately but after her glowing endorsement of Gu Jun Pyo, the time for those three words is not now. Maybe not ever – but he squashes that errant thought swiftly.
And then…
"I love you too Sunbae. I love you both, not more than the other, but differently."
Shock robs him of speech. He wants to cry- whether for happiness or regret, he doesn't know. He doesn't know what to feel. There are no words to describe his joy upon hearing the words "I love you" from her, yet that same joy is tinged with bitterness, because this isn't the kind of love he wants. More than anything, he wants to tell her that he loves her the way she loves Jun Pyo, but he can't bring himself to say it. So he swallows, and says instead, "You don't know how much it means to me to hear this. Thank you."
She smiles. "You're welcome. But I'm not finished yet." To his surprise, she kneels down in front of him and embraces him, resting her chin on his shoulder. "Sunbae, I don't know why I'm telling you this, but I think you ought to know," her voice barely a whisper in his ear. "You've always been like the sunshine to me, giving me the strength and inspiration I need to keep going. You are one of the most important people in my life."
His arms tighten around her at these words but he dares not speak.
"So I guess, what I'm saying is…" She pauses, and he can imagine her biting her lip in hesitation. She takes a deep breath. Then,
"….I think I found my soulmate in you."
The world could end at that very moment, and it wouldn't matter.
xoxoxoxo
Love is fickle, especially the kind that burns.
Even as Jun Pyo proposes to her, Ji Hoo is calm, the jealousy in his heart overshadowed by the happiness in her smile.
He knows she will never be far away from him, that even if it's Jun Pyo she wants now, it's him she'll always need.
One day, he tells her silently, You'll come back to me and we will make each other whole again.
He fingers the ring he wears around his neck. Until then, he shall wait.
-fin-
* from Broken, by Seether and Amy Lee (I swear, this is the ultimate YJH/GJD song if they ended up together)
A/N: I kind of hate myself a little for ending it like this. I think I've taken some liberties with Jan Di's character – she's much more reserved than her manga counterpart, but since most of the series is based on the manga anyway, I gave myself some leeway with the characterization. Hope you guys don't mind.