A Story About Cows
By Firenze
A/N: My recent fics have been far too serious for the likes of me. It's been what, three months since I wrote a humor fic? Just to show you how truly strange I really am, I'm going to write a fic about my favorite book characters ever and some things from my demented dreams and artwork (don't even ask). And like Mucca, I also have a strange obsession with cows.
* * *
(Harry Potter awakes one crazy morning to find Ron jumping on his four-poster belting out "Dear Diary," by Britney Spears, and Seamus, Dean, and Neville getting high off paste and whiteout.)
Harry: What's going on?
(Hermione crawls out from underneath his bed)
Hermione: (murmurs weakly) The cows are going to get me, the cows are going to get me. (Passes out)
Harry: (very confused) What cows? Am I the only sane person here?
Ron: (bellowing at the top of his lungs) Dear Diary, today I saw a boy! And I wondered if he noticed me, he took my breath away! Dear Diary, I can't get him off my mind! And it scares me 'cause I've never felt this way…!
(At that point, seven giant, silver-winged, flying, bright orange cows with red spots fly in the room. They pick up Hermione's limp body and fly back out of the window of the boys' dorm.)
Harry: (yelling) You can't have Hermione! (Grabs onto one cow's large, swishing tail. Tugs at it, while the other cows fly away.) Ron! Dean! Seamus! Ummm…Neville; someone help me!
Ron: Dear Diary, today I saw that boy! As he walked by, I thought he smiled at me…!
Harry: Ron, shut the hell up and help me out here!
Neville: (in a slurred voice) I'll…help…you… (The whiteout hadn't made him high, but it made him stoned. His eyes are crossed, and his round face is tinted with a sea green color.) You know…that whiteout is amazing… (Throws himself on top of the cow.) Oh yeah…who's the man…I did it…whoa yeah! (And then he passed out.)
(Seamus starts to do cartwheels. He gets sick and pukes all over the cow, which is going insane. But then Seamus grabs its wing and nearly yanks it off.)
Ron: (does a Britney Spears move, while still singing, and lands on the berserk cow's head) Dear Diary, one touch of his hand! Now I can't wait to see that boy again…!
(Finally Dean, who's rolling on the ground searching for dust bunnies to eat, bumps into the cow and grabs its leg.)
(The cow loses it. It run in circles fourteen times, the boys all still hanging onto it, and then attempts to fly out the window.)
(The first time, it smashed into the wall, but then it finds its way. It flies high into the clouds, and all the boys fall asleep.)
* * *
(Harry awakes still clutching the cow's tail. The cow, the boys, and he are inside some sort of a purplish protective bubble. They're hovering over some orangey land with specks of red, and it's sort of frozen over.)
Ron: (blinks open his eyes) What happened?
Harry: (breathless) It was insane! These seven cows, which were huge and orange with wings, took her Hermione away! The other guys had gotten high off whiteout and glue, and – you'll never believe this: you were singing – oh my god, you'll never guess – you were singing Brit—
Ron: (a good imitation of Justin Timberlake) It's gonna be me! (Spins around)
Harry: (moans) Oh no…
(Neville also wakes up, and joins Ron in singing "It's Gonna Be Me," by *N'SYNC.
Harry: (grabs his head) This is going to be a long day.
(Seamus and Dean finally awake.)
Seamus and Dean: (shouting simultaneously) PARTY! (Bonk their heads together, then start moshing and jumping against the walls of the bubble.)
Harry: (shouts over Neville and Ron's horrible singing) Where on Earth are we?
Cow (let's call him Bob): (angry) Moooo…mooo….mooo…moo…
Harry: (demands) What do you mean; we're not on Earth? 'Whoa, how the hell did I understand that?'
Bob: Mooo….moo mooo…mooo…
Harry: (shouts at the top of his lungs) What do you mean we're on Jupiter???!!!
* * *
If you thought that was weird, wait until you see my sequels. Yes, sadly there is more. This was so fun to do that I have to write more (despite your flames).
Just because I'm so nice and insane, I'll give you a short summary of what will happen in the next parts: Harry, Bob, and co fly back to a place (I can't tell you yet) to try to rescue Hermione, but are caught in the middle of a war (not as serious as it sounds).
Yup, a bout of insanity with a storyline. Oh no, that's not all, but I'm not telling you anymore. So tell me what you think of this pathetic excuse for a fic (but hey, I've seen worse) in your reviews.
Disclaimer: Harry Potter, Hermione, Ron, and everyone else belong to J.K. Rowling, etc.
"Dear Diary" belongs to Britney Spears, etc.
"It's Gonna Be Me" belongs to *N'SYNC, etc.
Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears belong to themselves.
Jupiter belongs to itself and the solar system.
The seven giant, silver-winged, flying, bright orange cows with red spots, including Bob, and this weird fic belong to me.