Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day
SEASON 3
EPISODE 11
Airdate: December 21, 2014
Title: Chicka Chicka Cheese
Segway Segment: The Big Television Debate (Buster and Wade debate over the worse Victorious episode: "Prom Wrecker" or "Tori Gets Stuck")
Satire/Social Commentary: The music industry, tendency for artists to change their approach in order to keep their audience
Special Guest Stars: DJ Vlad as Himself, Charlamagne tha God as Himself
The episode starts with the Seattle skyline being shown while Run-DMC's "Christmas in Hollis" plays in the background. However, out of nowhere, the song cuts off and we get the actual beginning of the episode.
SCENE 1
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Basement
Seattle, Washington
(Sparky, Buster, RK, Jaylynn, and KG are all in Wade's basement wearing winter coats. They don't know why Wade hasn't showed up yet.)
SPARKY: Dude, where's Wade? He said the Body Swap was ready today.
RK: Ah, you know Wade. He says a lot of things. The Body Swap will be ready today, math is going to lead you down the road of success, you better shut up, RK, and eat your vegetables before I choke you.
(long pause; everybody blankly stares at RK)
RK: OK, that last one was a nightmare I had last night but I didn't make up the other two!
JAYLYNN: I think the Body Swap is going to be awesome! Maybe I can get Anja to switch with me. Ooh, I'm so excited I might wet my pants!
KG: You have no idea what we went through a couple weeks back, and if you did, you would know not to get excited about this at all.
JAYLYNN: Wow, who's the grouchy little grouch today?
KG: Stop that, it's not even in-character!
(Unlike the theatrics in "Imperfect Friends," Wade just gets on the podium with a bored expression)
RK: Wow, that was a terrible main event-ah.
WADE: Ladies and gentlemen...the BODY SWAP!
(Wade pulls off the large tarp to reveal a slightly thinner, slicker version of the Body Swap from a few episodes back. Nobody is excited but Jaylynn.)
WADE: Who wants to take it for a spin, ah? Come on, this is my Christmas present to all of you.
BUSTER: Your present is lazy and it sucks.
RK: Yeah, um, Wade, this was a really depressing presentation, but I'm just going to go do something else that's...not exactly this thing. I'll see ya later, I guess.
KG: Yeah, I have to go...break in my new underwear.
SPARKY: Clean out my closet for the holidays.
BUSTER: Additional generic excuse, Wade!
(The only person left is Jaylynn.)
JAYLYNN: (Bleep), I got all excited for this?
WADE: Wow, I mean, I should have expected they would be a little apprehensive but the machine is perfectly fine now.
JAYLYNN: I'm confused, what happened?
WADE: Well, last month, the boys snuck down here and used the Body Swap without my permission when it wasn't even ready yet. The only thing I really needed to do was make it easier for the people to switch back into their regular bodies. But nope, I guess I'm a failure.
JAYLYNN: Hey, my man Wade ain't no failure. He never has been and he never will be.
WADE: Awww, thanks Jaylynn.
JAYLYNN: You know, I actually want to use this machine.
WADE: I figured that, but you really want to switch with this?
JAYLYNN: Yeah, I think it would be fun to be a guy. I mean, I'm not like a butch lesbian because that's a little gross to me, but yeah, it should be pretty awesomesauce.
WADE: Alright, let's do it!
(Wade goes in one pod and Jaylynn goes in the other.)
WADE: Wow, you actually filled out pretty nicely.
JAYLYNN: Wait a minute, why do you have my voice? Shouldn't our voices have switched too?
WADE: Well, vocal cords aren't in the brain and there are only two of us so it's not like they're going to be confused.
JAYLYNN: Who's they?
WADE: That's not important, but WOWZERS! These boobs are incredible! I mean, you're just ten years old and you have THESE already? I mean, Ariel Winter, look OUT!
JAYLYNN: OK, get out of my body, I'm grossed out now.
SCENE 2
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(Sparky is cleaning out his closet while RK is watching TV.)
RK: My God, it's Christmastime and there are no new episodes of anything. Where's my NBC Thursday night lineup?
SPARKY: Dude, you know they take breaks for the holidays.
RK: Well, Nick and Disney Channel don't.
SPARKY: Yeah, because they're cable and not network television.
RK: I hate network television. So what's with all that clanging and banging?
SPARKY: I'm trying to get my Christmas decorations up, but it's a little hard because there's a lot of junk. Hey, look!
(Sparky holds up a loose leaf paper with a tournament bracket)
RK: Cool, our Team of the Clean tournament!
SPARKY: Yup. To determine the best NFL team in all the land.
RK: It...it was really lame, wasn't it?
SPARKY: Yeah, we were dorks back then. Hey, could you help me move some of this stuff out the way so I could get my decor?
RK: Um...yeah, sure.
(Sparky and RK take two boxes out of the closet, and something falls out that RK notices)
RK: What the hell is this?
SPARKY: Is that another porno?! I had to get rid of them all after Cimorelli stayed with me. Wait a minute...DID they actually stay with me?
RK: No, it's a song. It's called "Chicka Chicka Cheese."
SPARKY: Oh no, THAT monstrosity? Go and burn it if you want.
RK: Why? It's not that bad.
SPARKY: Are you kidding? I would rather eat a live chicken than record a song like that in my life.
RK: So it's about cheese?
SPARKY: Yeah, because in third grade, I thought that I was a songwriter and I didn't have any cheese in my refrigerator. So I wrote that.
RK: Why didn't you go to the store and buy some cheese?
SPARKY: It was raining hard that day. Don't you remember?
RK: Of course not. That day's not important in the life of RK.
SPARKY: Well, you could do whatever you want with that stupid song, I have no use for it.
RK: Are you sure? It's my...propertay?
SPARKY: Yeah, the song is all yours.
RK: Wow. This must be what real power feels like. Cool, a McDonald's toy based on Bucket & Skinner!
SPARKY: Hey, I want that!
RK: NO! It's my toy now.
(long pause)
SPARKY: I'm going to kick your ass.
RK: OK, take it.
SCENE 3
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(Wade hums "Jingle Bells" while polishing his coffee table and shaking his butt. The camera does a close-up of his butt gyrating as he starts dancing like Michael Jackson and grunting repeatedly. He then resorts to slapping his own butt, puts an apple in his mouth then tries taking off his pants at the same time when Jaylynn and Anja walk in, disturbed at what they're seeing. Wade turns around and realizes he's not alone, then spits out his apple.)
WADE: Um...you were coming today?
JAYLYNN: Yeah.
WADE: Could you come in an hour?
JAYLYNN: No, because I don't want to live with the fact that you're failing at being a stripper.
ANJA: Oh yeah, ride 'em, cowboy.
(Jaylynn starts laughing)
WADE: Shut up, Anja. What do you guys want anyway?
JAYLYNN: We're here to use the Body Swap.
ANJA: Yeah, it would be really cool to be in Jaylynn's body for a while.
WADE: How about in JAYLYNN for a while? (Wade slaps his knee and does a little dance while Jaylynn and Anja give him a bored look. The scene cuts to RK in front of a black screen. He checks his watch and the scene cuts back to Wade.) Just go to the basement.
JAYLYNN: Come on, Anja. Oh Wade, by the way...
WADE: Yes?
JAYLYNN: You think you could swing that thing around one more time with an orange in your mouth and...
WADE: GO!
JAYLYNN: OK.
MINUTES LATER
Jaylynn and Anja have switched bodies, but this time, so have their voices.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, this is nice. This is nice. Hey, how come you have to wear this all the time?
ANJA: It's my religion?
JAYLYNN: Oh yeah, dumb question.
ANJA: I don't like this. I want my old body back.
JAYLYNN: Why, because you think I'm an old bag of milk, you jerk?
ANJA: No, I'm just not used to...this. Wow, you're ten years old and your boobs are THIS big?
JAYLYNN: You guys are pathetic, they're not even that big.
(Wade comes down the stairs)
WADE: Sup guys?
JAYLYNN: We switched bodies.
WADE:...When?
SCENE 4
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(RK's eyes are fixated on the lyric sheet)
RK: Sparky may think this song is trash, but I think this could be a hit. All it needs is something cool. But what is it?
KG: Still talking to yourself, huh, little bro?
(KG is on the staircase)
RK: You talk to yourself all the time!
KG: Yeah, but when I do it, it's awesome. What you got there? President Nixon's enemies list?
RK: Um...no. It's a song Sparky wrote in second grade. Check it out. I smell Billboard, Grammys, brunch with Taylor Swift.
KG: You better be sniffing that coke then, because this song is garbage.
RK: Explain.
KG: RK, this is what happens when "Don't Worry, Be Happy" rapes "MMMBop" and they have a love child. The lyrics are juvenile as (bleep), there's almost no consistent flow, the hook is unbelievably stupid, the title is even more stupid, and I can't even tell what genre it is.
(long pause)
KG: This will probably reach #4 on the Hot 100.
SCENE 5
The Jennings Household
Interior RK's Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
(RK is in the process of producing "Chicka Chicka Cheese")
RK: Alright, becoming the next DJ Premier shouldn't be too hard. All I need are the right tools. OK, so "Chicka Chicka Cheese" sounds like a reggae song kinda. So how about something upbeat? Like conga!
(RK plays a conga-influenced beat on his computer and starts dancing)
RK: Ooh! Caca! Purneisto! (in rhythm with the conga beat) Do I like this music? Do I like this music? I think I threw my back out. Call the paramedics.
(RK turns off the beat, and starts scratching his head)
RK: I got it! Something original!
(RK looks up the drum loop from "Oh My God (Remix)" by A Tribe Called Quest featuring Busta Rhymes and puts it into his computer as part of the song's beat. RK also adds some jazzy horns to it and hears the finished product.)
RK: Niceeeee. Now, time to lay down my sexy vocals.
(RK starts singing the song, and sounds more like a little kid than he does when he talks. The hook goes like this: "Chicka chicka cheese, chicka chuck chuck cheese/Chicka chicka cheese/I want some cheese, please." The following is the first verse, which RK suspiciously sings in the style of "My Boi and Me" by Ashley Tisdale: "I was doubled over in pain and I needed some cheese/And the cheese that I wanted was gone, so there was no cheese/When the cheese in the world is gone, and your best friend's name is Don/You sing about cheese, and that's why it's so cheesy." RK repeats the hook and takes off the headphones after the first take.)
RK: Still better than Charli XCX.
SCENE 6
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
(Buster and RK are walking past the third graders area)
BUSTER: And so that's when the astronaut exploded and he died. Wasn't that funny?
RK: Yeah, Buster, haha, the Challenger is funny because it's a reference. I need to get my head in the game, I have big plans after school.
BUSTER: Oh yeah? What plans, Mr. Man?
RK: I have my finished draft for "Chicka Chicka Cheese" and I'm making sure every radio station in Seattle gets the word. If they don't know by now, they might as well be stupid. Or broke, you get the picture.
BUSTER: You're trying to make a hit out of that stupid crap Sparky wrote?
RK: It's not stupid! I like it and I want other people to like it because if they do, that means it's good.
BUSTER: RK, I don't think music works like that. You know, I'm not much of a smarty pants, but I think that...
RK: Hold on, I'm practicing my big shot phone call. I'm going to sound like I have lots of money even though I don't. Aiyyo, what's up, Tony? Tone Tonay?! So, Tone Tone, I'm heading down to Vegas, going to pick up on the clean money just in case Mayweather has an off night. Yeah, that's what Darlene said, I told her not to touch it but she still did it. Girls be acting like they can...aiyyo, Darlene, I told you, bitch, don't (bleep) with my money or else I'm going to (bleep) you straight like a fat fat fatty. My album sold what yours did in my first week, biotch. What do you think?
BUSTER: Do you ever read?
SCENE 7
KWAS 90.7
Interior Booth
Seattle, Washington
Slowly moving through the station, RK drops a pink CD on one of the tables with nobody else inside. He sees a whole bunch of discs near the soundboard and places his CD as close to it as he can, then leaves.
35 MINUTES LATER
RK is watching TV and drinking a bottle of Minute Maid fruit punch when Wade and Jaylynn walk in.
JAYLYNN: OK, what's your scheme?
RK: What are you talking about?
WADE: Anja heard you singing on the radio. How did you get a song played on the radio?
RK: I went to the station and left my song there like everyone else. Besides, it's not like I did anything wrong.
WADE: Um, yes, you did. You can't just barge into a professional institution and get a record played, you need clearance for that.
RK: Well, if it all worked out, then it all worked out. I do it anonymously, it gets a couple spins here in town, big whoop. Whoa baby, I'm thirsty.
(RK walks into the kitchen)
JAYLYNN: RK, they're going to catch you.
RK: Oh yeah, like they could ever catch the White Mamba. It's impossible.
JAYLYNN: White Mamba?
WADE: Don't mind that.
RK: You guys are insane. They're never going to trace it back to me.
(RK cracks open a can of orange Fanta)
RK: Eh. Pineapple Fanta's better.
JAYLYNN: Well, did you put your name on it?
RK: Hell yeah I did. They have to know who the song belongs to.
(Wade and Jaylynn give RK bored looks)
RK: Son of a bitch, they're going to trace it back to me! Well, as long as I go back to the station, I can get the song back and...
(The doorbell rings and RK goes to get it. It's two guys in suits.)
RK: Oh no, it's the CIA. I'm naked right now, but I'll fight you with my bare hands! Come on, come on! On guard, put up your dukes! Counting the days and nights for this, I have!
SCENE 8
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK: Oh, so I can see you guys didn't appreciate my little radio stunt there. Look, if it means we can end this, just give me the song back and we'll never have to bring this up again.
EXECUTIVE: We actually want to help you out.
RK: With what, my fastball?
EXECUTIVE #2: No, the song. Look, "Chicka Chicka Cheese" was played and we got more than 50 calls asking for it to be played within minutes. We're going to send it to all of the radio stations in town. They enjoy the song, and you could be one of the hottest acts in the Northwest.
WADE: Really?
JAYLYNN: That's awesomesauce!
RK: Wait a minute, weren't you guys just trying to stop me?
WADE: Yeah, but we want to be there for you and your success.
JAYLYNN: You're the man, RK.
(long pause)
RK: Fame whores. Look, I appreciate the offer, but I'm not really into being a hot act. You get the lightning in a bottle once and I'm kinda done with being a celebrity.
EXECUTIVE: You get $500 every time a new station plays "Chicka Chicka Cheese."
RK: Well, as long as the price is right, you got yourself a deal.
SCENE 9
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
BUSTER: So they're going to play your song all over town?
RK: Yeah, and I get paid for it. Can you believe that?
BUSTER: No, I can't. But don't you think Sparky is going to be upset?
RK: Why? He thinks the song is crap, he told me so. He gave it to me.
BUSTER : I don't know. You're pretty much taking another person's work and benefiting off of it, so I guess you really are a musician.
RK: Sparky's not going to care, man. "Chicka Chicka Cheese" is mine now and if he really has a problem, he can take it up with me. But from now on, this musician is on easy street.
BUSTER: If you say so.
RK: By the way, we're going Christmas shopping after school, you want anything?
BUSTER: A big fat cheese pretzel.
RK: Buster, I told you, you can't eat that anymore. Whenever you do, you always ask me where the cheese is on the pretzel.
BUSTER: Is it my fault they make it like that?!
SCENE 10
Pacific Place
Interior Second Floor
Seattle, Washington
("Jingle Bells" by School Gyrls featuring Aaron Fresh playing in the mall)
RK: I need to find Wade the perfect present.
SPARKY: Whatever it is, I just hope it's better than what you got for him last year.
CUTAWAY GAG
Wade opens his present at RK's house to reveal a large sack.
WADE: It...it's a sack. What the hell am I supposed to do with this?
RK: The power of imagination.
END OF CUTAWAY
RK: That was an awesome gift. It was way better than what Wade got for Buster.
CUTAWAY GAG
Buster opens his present at his house to reveal a dictionary.
BUSTER: Where do I plug this in?
WADE: Nowhere. It's an expansive piece of reading material that allows you to look up any word you want.
BUSTER: Don't (bleep) with me like that, education SUCKS! (Buster throws down the dictionary in protest while Wade gives him a bored look)
END OF CUTAWAY
KID: Mommy, look, it's the "Chicka Chicka Cheese" guy!
SPARKY: "Chicka Chicka Cheese" guy? RK, what's going on?
RK: Nothing. Hey, did you know the slimmies of summer come to class wearing next to nothing?
MOM: You think you could sign Billy's book for him? He just loves that little song you did.
SPARKY: What little song?
RK: Hey, if the kid wants it, I'll give it to him. (RK signs the inside of Billy's book)
MOM: Thank you for keeping my children away from drugs.
(Billy and his mom leave at that moment, and Sparky turns his attention towards RK)
RK: You want some clam chowder?
SPARKY:...You know what? I'm not pissed off at all.
RK: You're not? I thought you were going to whop me!
SPARKY: I was, but then I realized I gave the song to you. It's your property now and you can do whatever you want with it, I don't care.
RK: Wow, really? Thanks Sparky. That's pretty mature.
SPARKY: Just as long as I get credit for it.
RK: Wait, what? Credit?
SPARKY: Yeah, because I WROTE the song?
RK: You just said it was my property now!
SPARKY: But dude, if you're out here making money off it, then that's a problem with me. I should at least get songwriting credit.
RK: OK, but I really don't think I should.
SPARKY: WHAT?! I can't believe this.
RK: Sparky, you don't have to believe something is real in order to enjoy it. It's called suspension of disbelief.
SPARKY: But you not giving me credit IS real!
RK: True, true. But what if it wasn't? It still made you happy, and that's perfectly fine, that's my whole point.
SPARKY: You're not making any sense and I want my credit!
(long pause; RK sighs)
RK: Alright, Sparky. If it means that much to you, I'll give you credit for writing the song.
SPARKY: Thank you.
RK: But I think you're wasting your time. It's not like the song is going to blow up or anything.
SCENE 11
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
("Blow Up" by J. Cole playing briefly in the background; the camera cuts to a shot of the school when the song plays and then to the lunchroom, where RK is eating with Buster, Wade, and Jaylynn)
RK: I can't believe the song blew up.
WADE: Well, it looks like "Chicka Chicka Cheese" has surpassed "Shake It Off," "Jealous," and "The Heart What It Wants" all in one week. How do you feel, champ?
RK: Please don't call me that. And I don't know. It's just weird. I never thought I would ever be a pop star.
BUSTER: Well, what about the song? Are you going to give Sparky credit?
RK: I have to, he wrote it. Tonight on The Colbert Report, when they ask me, I'm going to tell them straight up.
BUSTER: Good.
JAYLYNN: In my opinion, you don't have to tell them anything.
RK: Why not?
BUSTER: Yeah, why not?
JAYLYNN: Look, in the music business, people lie all the time. Everyone thinks you wrote it so just give them what they want.
BUSTER: But people have professional songwriters all the time. What's the difference between that and this?
JAYLYNN: I just said that everyone treats RK like he wrote it himself. Look, you produced "Chicka Chicka Cheese" yourself, right?
RK: Right.
JAYLYNN: So you should just take credit for the writing too. It's not like you're going to have another hit.
RK: Yeah, it's an independent single anyway.
BUSTER: But if you don't give Sparky credit, he's going to get mad.
RK: Why are you defending Sparky so much?
JAYLYNN: Yeah, why?
BUSTER: Because I'm his best friend and both of you are...
(A "Please Stand By" sign is seen on the screen and when it comes back, everybody is momentarily confused)
RK: The (bleep) was that?
BUSTER: I have no idea. But seriously, dude, you owe it to Sparky for giving you the song in the first place. It happened to Milli Vanilli, don't think it won't happen to you.
JAYLYNN: What do you think, Wade? What should RK do?
WADE: Honestly, it's his choice. Whether he takes credit for the songwriting or not, he's a one-hit wonder no matter what.
SCENE 12
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(Every member of Testicular Sound Express is in their pajamas waiting for RK's interview on The Colbert Report)
WADE: And they say appointment viewing is dead.
SPARKY: It's coming on!
BUSTER: So Sparky, how do you feel getting credit for writing one of the biggest hits in the country?
SPARKY: Eh, it's nothing. RK will get the glory anyway, I just want to be recognized, you know?
STEPHEN COLBERT: And now, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the man behind "Chicka Chicka Cheese," making Taylor Swift and Meghan Trainor wet their pants, RYAN KENNEDY JENNINGS!
("Cult of Personality" by Living Colour playing in the background as RK comes out for his interview. He flexes his muscles for the camera and starts greeting the audience.)
STEPHEN COLBERT: Welcome to the show, RK.
RK: Pleasure to be here, Stephen.
STEPHEN COLBERT: So how does it feel knowing your song about cheese is more popular than it really should be?
RK: How does it feel knowing you'll never top Letterman?
(RK and Colbert start cackling)
BUSTER: I think he has a chance.
STEPHEN COLBERT: I'm going to love having you here, I know that for a fact. So RK, million dollar question: Who wrote this sleeper hit? It gained traction in your hometown of Seattle and now you're the latest pop artist with fleeting success. So who put the lyrics down on the paper?
RK: Well, to tell you the truth, Stephen, the same guy you produced it: Me.
(Sparky and Buster are shocked while Wade and Jaylynn just sit there.)
SPARKY: WHAT?!
(Buster simulates spitting out something when TV characters see or hear something shocking)
BUSTER: Oh, I thought I was drinking something.
("Big Time Theme Song" by Big Time Rush plays in the background as the camera zooms in on a less-than-amused Sparky, watching RK and Colbert continue to laugh together)
SEGWAY SEGMENT
(The opening instrumental to "F*** Tha Police" by N.W.A. playing in the background; the camera cuts to a shot of Buster's living room)
SPARKY: Welcome ladies and gentlemen to another Big Television Debate. Tonight, we the people against the kids sitcom Victorious for crimes against humanity. But which crime is worse? We have Buster. He's going for the season two episode "Prom Wrecker," claiming that it is one of the worst episodes he has ever seen from a Dan Schneider show. He's squaring off against Wade, who claims that while "Prom Wrecker" is bad, it's not nearly as terrible as "Tori Gets Stuck," which is another season two episode. Interestingly enough, "Tori Gets Stuck" aired one week before "Prom Wrecker." Talk about being served a double whammy of shit.
JAYLYNN: And now, we will proceed.
(Buster and Wade stare each other down at Buster's coffee table. Wade is noticeably wearing a Tweed blazer with leather patches.)
RK: Buster, state your argument. GO!
BUSTER: I don't really need any evidence to tell you that this is what happens when you let bad writing clog your mind. You forget who your characters are or what they're supposed to know or say or do. When an episode sucks because characters are out of character, that's a big problem because "Prom Wrecker" is the kind of episode that could have been done a lot better. Let's start with the fact that they made everybody unlikable in this episode. Jade actually has a reason to despise Tori because she decided to have her prom on the night of Jade's play. Couldn't any of these things been pushed back a week? No, because then there would be no stupid plot. I don't get the plot here. Jade is actually justified in how she treats Tori and Tori is an asshole about the play being moved. At the same time, Jade's still a bitch because she ends up ruining the prom for everybody else so she's not easy to root for. When Jade tells Tori that maybe now she knows how it feels to plan something and have someone else ruin it, Tori doesn't get the point. She calls Jade a baby and ends up winning in the end. Why is there no clear good guy here? Everybody is at fault and the episode should have realized that. The main plot doesn't lead to anything. The subplot is really bad too but off the main plot alone, "Prom Wrecker" is easily the worst Victorious episode ever.
WADE: Hold it! I'm afraid I disagree. While this episode was bad, I find it miles above the crap we got the week before..."Tori Gets Stuck." This episode was a shitty ripoff of "Casa Bonita" from South Park and proved to me that Jade is the biggest sociopath on a Dan Schneider show since Megan Parker. She literally tries to kill Tori because of a part she clearly didn't deserve. Let's start with the fact that Tori doesn't know what an understudy is. Even if you haven't been going to that school, you should know what that (bleep)ing word means. I knew what it meant when I was FIVE. Plus, it's season two at this point. I would expect Tori to know what understudy means. But anyway, Tori gets three pints of blood taken out of her to help out with Robbie's surgery to remove a toy car from his...ass. Yeah. The first pint was taken away by Jade and lost somewhere. The hospital should have told Tori to leave at that point and figured out another course of action because you can't take another pint of blood from a human like that! The second pint gets destroyed by Robbie who drops it on the floor. This is not going to benefit him, so I'm going to assume he didn't do it on purpose. Let's not forget that Jade nearly exposed Tori to bush daisies which she's allergic to, looked through her medical records like a creep, and nearly KILLED HER BY HIDING A PINT OF BLOOD!
BUSTER: Are you done?
WADE: Not yet. South Park handled this plot a lot better because Cartman always goes to extreme lengths to get what he wants. He looks out for himself only and never cares what the consequences are. That's always been a major part of his character. Plus, he always gets what's coming to him in the end. We don't see that with Jade. She doesn't get the part because she's been acting like a bitch all week, yeah, I guess that makes sense. But before that, we have to see Tori half-dead on stage trying to act. And Jade literally does not care about the fact that she nearly killed someone for a ROLE IN A DAMN PLAY! Oh yeah, we also have that subplot where Trina ends up getting tuberculosis from exposing herself to it at the hospital. Fantastic.
BUSTER: Look, I know "Tori Gets Stuck" is bad, but "Prom Wrecker" definitely has even less going for it besides the main plot.
WADE: Explain.
BUSTER: Robbie wants to ask Cat to the prom for some reason, but she says no because some other guy already asked her and she said yes. From the way Cat describes him, it makes it seem like she's lying. And it has nothing to do with her being stupid, this is something that characters do all the time to avoid doing something they don't want to. Every time Cat does this, it makes her look like an asshole. Because we never see this guy, we have to assume she's lying. Then when Robbie leaves for the last time, we actually see this guy and we're supposed to react...how? Did Dan think this plot through? Now that we know the guy is real, it makes Robbie look like the asshole even though he never did anything wrong. Plots like this usually end with the person admitting they lied and apologizing, or the person telling the truth all along and giving the other person what they want. There's no payoff here, everything is just so lazy and thrown together. This isn't like "The Blonde Squad" where they built up to something on purpose only to give us the finger in the end, this is just nonsense. Everything feels thrown together and it's pointless.
WADE: I see your point, but the difference between "Prom Wrecker" and "Tori Gets Stuck" is that "Prom Wrecker" could have been done a lot better. Maybe have Jade constantly doubt Tori's abilities to put on a successful prom and in the end, admit she was wrong after trying to stop her. "Tori Gets Stuck" is the kind of episode you do when someone yells at you and you just want to get rid of your frustration. Jade gets no consequences other than not getting to be in the play which was something the writers knew they had to do, Trina ends up with tuberculosis and Tori nearly dies from being forced to give up three pints of blood because Jade wanted her part in the play. None of this is ever funny, it's just painful. Because of this, "Tori Gets Stuck" is clearly the worse episode.
BUSTER: I know what you mean, but "Prom Wrecker" has no structure at all. At least "Tori Gets Stuck" knew what it was doing. You could go to a stranger's prom unannounced and have a better time than what this episode shows you. The main plot has no clear protagonist, the subplot is just freaking mean and makes both Cat and Robbie look bad, most of the jokes are just plain stupid, and the episode as a whole just comes off as a jumbled mess with no effort put into making something decent. So in my mind, "Prom Wrecker" is still the worse episode.
WADE: But we CAN agree on one thing.
BUSTER: Oh yeah? What's that?
WADE: The worst episode in Victorious history is "Brain Squeezers."
BUSTER: Oh hell yeah, that was absolutely disgusting.
WADE: Affirmative.
SPARKY: See you next year with more Big Television Debates! Now, back to our show.
SCENE 13
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
(RK gets a hero's welcome as he enters the halls with a leather jacket and a Seattle Seahawks Mitchell and Ness cap on. He starts slapping hands with the kids.)
RK: Yes, yes, I know it was awesome. Oh yeah, I'm single. No, not really, I'm dating someone, stalker.
(Sparky spears RK into the lockers)
RK: I can see you watched The Colbert Report last night.
SPARKY: You son of a bitch, I'm going to kill you!
RK: For what?
SPARKY: You told me you were going to give me credit for writing "Chicka Chicka Cheese" once it blew up and you didn't. You lied to me.
RK: Sparky, people lie all the time about things. Take last month for example.
CUTAWAY GAG
RK is at Jaylynn's house watching TV and she's looking in the refrigerator.
JAYLYNN: RK, did you eat my last Crunch bar and not tell me?
RK: No, I put it in my mouth and it went down my throat, then was dissolved by stomach acid, I don't know what this eating thing is.
(Throughout this, RK never even looks in Jaylynn's direction)
JAYLYNN: WHY YOU LITTLE...
(Jaylynn starts choking RK like Bart Simpson)
END OF CUTAWAY
SPARKY: What was I supposed to learn from that?
RK: That Jaylynn has been mentally sick for a long time and you need to get her help.
SPARKY: First of all, we all know better than messing with Jaylynn's stuff. And secondly, we're supposed to be friends and you sold me out. You're a bastard!
RK: Dude, you do realize that you were the one who made the song crap in the first place. I took it and made gold. I'm the early Jay-Z of pop music. I get what I want with no real effort put in.
SPARKY: I can't believe you're acting like this. You know, you're going to get what you deserve real soon. People are going to want a second hit and when you don't deliver, you're going to be right back where you started.
RK: I don't think so, Sparky. With the way pop works today, I can dominate the genre for at least half a year all because of this song. The music video for "Chicka Chicka Cheese" is being filmed today so I suggest you come to the shoot and see just what I mean.
SCENE 14
The music video for "Chicka Chicka Cheese" has nothing to do with the actual song. It's a full-on parody of the video for "Hot N***a" by Bobby Shmurda. RK is drinking AriZona with a whole bunch of other kids around town and wearing jeans that sag. Instead of the Shmoney Dance in the actual video, RK and the kids perform the Steve Martin, a dance popularized in the 1980s and referenced by EPMD twice (the music video for "You Gots to Chill" and the actual song "The Steve Martin"). The video ends with RK and the other kids hassling an old man for money, but when he has nothing to give, they start brutally assaulting him and throwing up gang signs. The camera cuts to Sparky and Buster watching the video on YouTube at Buster's condo, disturbed at what they're looking at.
BUSTER: Wow, our generation is going to die fast.
SPARKY: It doesn't look like we have much to worry about. See? Only 5,237 views after a week. Looks like RK's days of fame are over.
THREE DAYS LATER
Sparky and Buster are at the lunchroom with Wade and Jaylynn.
SPARKY: I can't believe they're not over! How did the video get more than 10,000,000 views in less than four days?
WADE: Didn't you hear? Beyonce put out a Vine of her doing the Steve Martin. Pretty soon, other celebrities started doing it and the video blew up just like the song did.
BUSTER: Wait a minute. If "Chicka Chicka Cheese" reached #2 on the Billboard charts, why was the video so unpopular for a week?
WADE: I guess because no one even knew he did a video. There was little to no promotion for it at all until these Vines started showing up. I hate to say it, but what RK's doing here is genius.
SPARKY: I can't believe this is actually happening.
JAYLYNN: Sparky, you don't have to believe something is real in order to enjoy it. It's called...
SPARKY: I GET IT!
JAYLYNN: Whatever.
BUSTER: Maybe we should just give up, Sparky. RK's just going to keep taking advantage of his fame and there's nothing we can do about it.
SPARKY: We have to do something, Buster. I love him, but right now, I want to take his ear and cut it off with a blade.
BUSTER: Dude, don't we go through this shit like every other week?
SPARKY: Yeah, but still...we can't let him get away with it.
(long pause)
JAYLYNN: Hey, is it strange if I tell Ashley I want to eat her hair?
WADE: Is it strange if for no reason, I took a baseball bat and hit you in the chest with it?
SCENE 15
("Politics As Usual" by Jay-Z playing in the background)
RK has officially become one of the most popular artists on the planet. The official video for "Chicka Chicka Cheese" has gained over 100,000,000 views, and the Steve Martin continues to gain popularity through everyday people posting Vines of them performing it. At one point, even the Obamas are filmed performing the dance. At a concert, RK is approached by DJ Mustard, who tells him to perform "Chicka Chicka Cheese" with his remixed beat. The performance gets rave reviews and the song gains crossover success in the hip-hop community. Legendary producers such as DJ Premier, Pete Rock, and The Bomb Squad even remix "Chicka Chicka Cheese" themselves. Premier adds more saxophone to the song and replaces the horns, Rock uses heavier drums on top of the Tribe Called Quest sample, and The Bomb Squad samples ten other songs at the same time, including "Expansions" by Lonnie Liston Smith, "Livin' on a Prayer" by Bon Jovi, and "Sabotage" by Kristina DeBarge. The drum loop is also sped-up in the Bomb Squad remix. RK then steps out of his Miami hotel and takes a Facebook picture of him in front of it, irritating Sparky.
SCENE 16
The Jennings Household
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
(Sparky is out on the town with Santa's Little Helper when he sees RK leave the house and KG try to catch up to him.)
RK: Sorry KG, I'm busy.
KG: But RK, I thought you and I were going to run the PS4 together, you know what I'm saying?
RK: KG, you and I both know that's baby stuff.
KG: Adults play video games too, dumbass! You know what? I think this whole "Chicka Chicka Cheese" stuff has you up Billboard's rectum 24/7 and I HATE IT!
RK: Well, bro, keep on hating. I'm a pop star so I do poppy things. Now, if you excuse me, I'm going to go enjoy mah pop life.
KG: You know what? Don't bother coming back home! You know what, come back early, it's chilly.
RK: OK.
(RK walks up to Sparky)
RK: Oh, look at that, my old friend. Guess you're still green over this whole song nonsense, huh?
SPARKY: RK, I'm thoroughly convinced at this point that you're a self-centered jackass. I know that for a fact. But you can't treat people any way you want just because you have money or fame. It's 2014, sonny, and careers die fast in 2014.
RK: Not me. I'm untouchable.
SPARKY: No, you're not. Your luck is running out. You took advantage of something you didn't deserve, you lied to me, and worst of all, you got all the glory for it. Your second single won't top your first, and when it doesn't, everyone will forget about you.
RK: Ooh yeah, like people will forget about me. I'm RK Jennings, bitch. I does my bidness, you know what I'm saying?
SPARKY: When was the last time you even talked to Anna? You know, she misses you? A lot?
RK: Anna misses me?
SPARKY: Yeah.
RK: You know, Sparky, I...don't need you to distract me. I have to prepare for my concert in Phoenix tomorrow.
(RK walks away from Sparky and Sparky looks pissed off)
SCENE 17
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
WADE: You want to use the Body Swap for what?!
SPARKY: Look, I'll drug RK and take his place in the concert tomorrow night. I make him look like an idiot, he learns his lesson and things go back to normal.
WADE: Or you aggravate the problem and possibly ruin your friendship with RK forever.
SPARKY: Man, you are such a downer sometimes. This is going to work, you'll see.
WADE: Sparky, I really want to give you the benefit of the doubt here, but this idea is so unbelievably problematic not even Rube Goldberg would be able to do anything about it.
SPARKY: Please, Wade, I'm desperate here.
WADE: How desperate?
SPARKY: VERY desperate.
(long pause)
WADE: I'll allow it.
SCENE 18
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(RK is watching TV and he hears the bell ring. He goes to get it and he sees Sparky with a thermos.)
RK: What are you doing here?
SPARKY: I just wanted to give you this fruit punch. You need to quench your thirst before tomorrow if you catch my drift.
RK: I think you're on to something.
SPARKY: Come on, RK, all the greats do it. Are you not a great? Are you Devin LaRoche?
RK: Who the hell is Devin LaRoche?
SPARKY: Exactly. He never became a great because he just didn't have the juicy chops for it.
RK: I have the juicy chops! I'm the Paul McCartney of Nazareth, biotch! Hand me that thermos.
(RK starts drinking with a passion. The next thing we see is Sparky pulling an incapacitated RK into the Body Swap. Wade looks pretty unmoved about the whole thing.)
SPARKY: Alright, I got the job done.
WADE: I don't endorse this at all.
SPARKY: SHUT UP! I...want...VENGEANCE!
(long pause)
WADE: I'm starting to forget who I should be rooting for here.
SCENE 19
U.S. Airways Center
Phoenix, Arizona
(Now in RK's body, Sparky performs "Chicka Chicka Cheese" at the concert in Phoenix. The crowd gives him a standing ovation and he takes a bow. It's important to note that the two never switched voices.)
RK: Now, ladies and gentlemen, I want y'all to know that you're the best fans in the world...sometimes.
(The crowd starts to murmur.)
RK: You see, Arizona is home to some dumb mother(bleep)ers and they should know that. But when you really think about it, it's not their fault. They're just a product of a generation of (bleep)ing idiots. You buy crap, you look for crap so that's what you get. Pure crap. Stupid (bleep)ers like you make me want to spit in the air. You suck and your tastes in music suck. I make money off of your ugly, stupid asses. You see, you people can't digest anything complicated, you people can't stomach anything interesting. This is the way it's been since the turn of the century. We're all here in the circus to entertain you.
(Sparky's speech gets a loud smattering of boos.)
RK: Yeah, I'm not a corporate puppet, you see? I didn't even write "Chicka Chicka Cheese," my mother(bleep)ing friend did it. My talent is in taking advantage of people like you. And trust me, my next single is going to be even sicker. The difference is, it will be about ME.
SCENE 20
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(Sparky is watching TV with a big smile while Jaylynn stares at him upset)
SPARKY: And everything worked out. I got back to Seattle, switched bodies back with RK, and now he has to face the press like a worm. Everything's back to normal.
JAYLYNN: No, it isn't! You just ruined RK's career and for what? Songwriting credit? Sparky, this isn't like you at all.
SPARKY: So? He started it! All I wanted was to be recognized for writing the song and he said he would give it to me. Then he went back on his word. I may have taken it too far, but he lied to me and that really hurt.
JAYLYNN: Wow. So you really care about this thing, don't you?
SPARKY: I do. Ah, what did I do? I couldn't just let RK have his moment. I had to be selfish and end his career because I wanted credit for a song I don't even like. (sighs) I wonder what his next record's going to be.
The next thing we see is the music video for RK's new song, "Sucka What, Sucka Who." A musical departure from the pop reggae of "Chicka Chicka Cheese," this song is inspired by drill music and the rap music of today. RK sounds suspiciously similar to RZA from the Wu-Tang Clan. He also stopped doing the Steve Martin in favor of stomping around, and there is no singing at all, just rapping and black teenagers shouting the title of the song during the chorus. Part of the second verse goes like this:
My team is balls-out, we're just chilling when we're killing
You'll never f*** us up, punk, always top billing
The cat in the hat will never match up to my gat
So get BACK! I'll bust a CAP in a n***a's ass!
The next thing we see after that is DJ Vlad interviewing Charlamagne tha God about his opinion on the song. This sequence is in live-action.
DJ VLAD: So, um, RK Jennings...his new rap song "Sucka What, Sucka Who." What are your thoughts?
CHARLAMAGNE: I hate that damn song, man. It is just TRASH. That is pure garbage, man. I don't even think the radio is playing it. Niggas on the street wouldn't buy it even if it was dope, so what's the point? RK lost all his goodwill in Phoenix when he went up on stage and said he's basically using everybody to make money. I mentioned on Twitter that that was his death knell, unless he had a backup plan. And now you see him try to be ghetto with this rap nonsense, it's stupid. You're the "Chicka Chicka Cheese" guy, that song is mother(bleep)ing pop to the letter. You will never overcome that. I mean, just because your song got hot with the hip-hop heads doesn't mean you have it made. It's dumb decision after dumb decision that leads to careers ending. The artists never see that, but strangely enough, the fans always do.
DJ VLAD: So was there anything RK could have done to save his career?
CHARLAMAGNE: Nothing, dog. His career was over as soon as he said that. Unless he had a backup plan, he should just kiss his fame goodbye but he ends up with this backup plan. I don't get it at all. You're a nine-year-old white boy from Seattle trying to be hardcore and we see through that. This generation is (bleep)ed, man. He should be outside just now finding out what Call of Duty is, not rapping with his pants sagging about shooting niggas in the ass. He sounds gay too, with that line because it sounds like he really meant that.
SCENE 21
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(Testicular Sound Express is watching TV as usual.)
BUSTER: Well, it's good to have things back to normal.
WADE: You know for a fact our lives are never normal.
RK: Sparky, I'm really sorry for not giving you credit for writing the song. I let the fame and money go to my head...again.
SPARKY: And I'm sorry too. I was really selfish and petty. I should have at least supported you instead of demanding credit for a crappy song people won't give two shits about in a year.
RK: Hey, that song is awesome.
SPARKY: You of all people still think it's awesome?
RK: Eh, it's pretty cute.
(long pause)
BUSTER: So when's Christmas?
JAYLYNN: Four days from now.
BUSTER: HOW DOES THAT MAKE ANY (BLEEP)ING SENSE?!
(The episode ends with the guys all staring at an upset and confused Buster with wide eyes.)
EPILOGUE
Testicular Sound Express is standing in front of a fireplace wearing holiday sweaters.
SPARKY: Merry Christmas from all of us at Thank You, Heavenly!
RK: We hope you enjoyed tonight's holiday special...even if it did come off as really forced and tacked-on.
BUSTER: Enjoy whatever you celebrate, as long as you make it fun and full of love and cheer!
WADE: Remember, the holidays are the one time of year where we learn to hate each other a little less before the new year comes in.
JAYLYNN: So get busy and enjoy your holiday break!
SPARKY: Courtesy of us, your Thank You, Heavenly pals!
(The five all wave goodbye)
TESTICULAR SOUND EXPRESS: Now it's time for...
STEVE SONGS: Yoo-hoo!
KIDS: Music Time!
STEVE SONGS: With Steve Songs.
("8 Days of Christmas" by Destiny's Child playing in the end credits)
©2014 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS
HAPPY HOLIDAYS, PC SOCIETY :)