The year is 14 A.D., and Julius Caesar, at age 77, has just announced the invention of the straw. Now, the first straw was not your typical run of the mill straw, but was imported from some hollowed Asian bamboo. A weary traveler came to see the roman emperor (the second Julius Caesar, a.k.a. Gaius Octavius Thurinus. Or nicknamed by the senate, Augustus. Or the successor of his uncle Julius Caesar.) from the depths of Asia, bringing only one of these precious straws. The traveler, let's call him Luxenburg Li, did not speak much Vulgar Latin, but managed to explain that drinking from the straw added 19 years to your life, not counting death by assassination or accidents, just natural causes. Julius decided that yes, he wanted the straw so he could continue to rule the roman empire. He told his guards to kill Luxenburg Li, because, let's face it, Julius Caesar was a dick. Once Luxenburg Li was dead and bloodied, Caesar picked the straw from Luxenburg Li's cold dead hands, and pranced off with his new prize.
Cleopatra, who faked her death 44 years ago, was currently living with Julius Caesar and her hive of bees, in Caesar's home. An old woman now, she was in an almost crippled state. Her death would come any day, since the likelihood of her living past 83 was already very low and she's 83 at the moment in 14 A.D. Anyway, Caesar showed the gift to his wife, Livia, and his other love, Cleopatra. Cleopatra had lost interest in Caesar long ago, precisely the day he stopped being able to get it up, but stayed because she couldn't just return to Egypt and say "Not Dead," because the Egyptians made her into a mummy and do you know how trippy that would be? Very.
Livia, being tired of Caesar's shit, said "Good for you, dear. I'm glad our empire can have you as a leader for 19 more years." Livia still loves Caesar, because he was hot back in the day, and she still likes to brag about his power to her friends in the knitting club. But she also loves him because love is love and she can't really stop.
Cleopatra was lying in her bed when the news about the straw was delivered. Imagining that the straw also restored health, she uttered the word "Give," because she was truly very pained.
"Nah, babe, look at this shit." Caesar said, drinking out of his new straw, "Guess who's gonna live for an extra 19 years!" He exclaimed, pounding a fist joyfully in the air.
"Augustus!" Tiberius, Caesar's stepson, called, using his nickname from before he became emperor. Tiberius, had grown close to Cleopatra over the years. She let him in on private information about bees, that let him get with many girls. "Stop being rude."
"Would you like a sip, Tiberius?" Julius held out his drink to his son before ripping it away quickly "Too bad!" and he continued drinking, taking large and accentuated gulps. What a dick.
"You need to share your straw, Augustus" chimed in Livia, who was standing in the hall behind the scene. Livia had a very tired look on her face, like she was done putting up with everyone. This was actually her normal face, and had been her normal face ever since she married him in 37 B.C.
"Don't tell me what to do, Livia. You smell gross and your toga never fits when we have guests," Julius said, proudly running away.
The three left in the room all rolled their eyes at his idiocy and childishness, he rules an empire. You would think he could keep his shit together. The elderly Cleopatra rolled her eyes so far back that her optic nerves collapsed,her eyes fell out of her head, and she died. Livia panicked and ran, afraid of being blamed as the murderer.
Tiberius cried at the sight of his treasured friend. All dead and what not. He didn't know what to think, and so he called the guards and the physician to set up her funeral. The body would have to be burned, since everyone thought Cleopatra had been dead for so long. The funeral would take place the following day, with only ten attendees.
At the funeral, Julius was bragging to his friend, Brutus, about his straw. Brutus already knew about the straw, since Tiberius told him the story of Cleopatra's tragic death. Brutus wanted the straw, and being besties with Caesar, convinced him to part with it on the way back to the palace. They were having a casual chat about the straw on the steps to the palace. Caesar had turned his back away from the palace, and Brutus was standing above him, staring at his shapely buttocks. Brutus pulled the straw from his waistband, and jammed the monstrosity through Caesar's rib cage. Blood began to pour from the straw, while Brutus leaned in close to his friend's ear. "You should have shared your straw, Augustus."
"And you, Brutus." Julius said weakly, toppling down the stairs to his death.