I probably won't update this as often as I update my other fanfiction, but I'll try to update as often as possible.

- EMMA'S POV -

Killian is holding me tightly in his arms and I can feel his breath on my neck. He's massaging my head and my hair softly with his hand. His hook is pressed into my back. He holds me like his life depends on it, which is technically impossible right now.

He's already dead after all. And there nothing I can do to bring him back to life. I can't take him home with me. If I can even still consider the small New England town my home without him being there.

We're saying our final goodbyes to each other. I'm about to lose him any minute now and it makes me cry even harder. I pull him closer to myself – if that's possible at this point. His arms give me warmth – like he always does when he holds me. In his embrace I'm home and there's no place I'd rather be. That's why I never should've been afraid to move in with him. Deep down I know, that I've lived with him in my heart for longer than I can even admit to myself.

He wormed his way into my heart back in Neverland and with time he became my everything. I can't imagine a life without him. I never wanted to. All I know is, that my life is going to suck without him by my side.

He was right back in Camelot. The future is nothing to be afraid of because as long as I have him, I know I'll never get hurt. Not by him anyway. We're a great team. We can get through anything, if we work together – everything but death itself, I suppose.

But now I'll never get that white-picket fence life that we've planned to have back in Storybrooke. I'll never get to figure out how our relationship would've continued – if we would've ever gotten married, if there would've ever been a miniature version of us running around the house. I'll never even get to see him again after today. These are my last few moments with him and then that's it.

At that realization another sob escapes my mouth. Until now, I've still held on to hope that we could find another way – like we always do. But there's no saving him from this. I have to let him go.

Killian places a kiss on my temple. As he puts his cheek back on the side of my head, I can feel that there are tears streaming down his face like a river, too. That's one difference between him and everyone else I ever dated. They were all jerks and couldn't have cared less about me, but Killian does. My pain is his pain. He loves me with all his heart.

We're true love after all. I still can't quite believe that it's actually true. I always hoped that we were, but like I said, I wasn't sure – no one could ever be.

Earlier, when I put my heart on the scale and nothing happened, I could feel my heart shatter into a million pieces. It's a similar feeling to what I feel right now. I was so disappointed and if I'm completely honest a little scared. It made me realize, that if Killian's not my true love, I'm not his either. That's when my insecurities started to kick in and I freaked out because that would've meant that somewhere out there might be his true love. And if she's not me, that meant that someone could take him away from me. I could never live with that. I can't lose him like I lost everyone else – it hurt unimaginably much when I lost them, and my love for them was only a tiny fraction compared to my love for Killian. I know losing him with no hope of getting him back would've destroyed me – and I suppose that's what's going to happen now.

I'll never get to be happy again. I'm going to have one miserable life. It's going to be like my life before Storybrooke – before Henry, before Killian. Only worse because now I know what happiness feels like and what I'm missing out on.

I know my family will try their best to help me and they might even succeed in making me smile from time to time. But that doesn't change the fact, that I'll be upset every day. I'll be mourning Killian for the rest of my life.

Maybe it would've been easier, if we wouldn't be true love. But I doubt it would hurt less. I'd have to deal with the fact that we're not true love and that he's really dead then. That might just be worse.

The only thing that really bothers me about the whole true love revelation is anyway only the false hope, that it gave me. I always knew false hope was the worst thing you could give anyone.

When those doors opened, I was over the moon, filled with joy. I figured that it not only means Killian is my true love, but also that he's going to be able to come home with me.

But then the ambrosia was already dead, and all that hope was sucked out of me in the matter of a millisecond like I'm attacked by a vortex of evil.

Now all I have left is the knowledge, that Killian is my true love. But that's all I have.

I won't have him with me. Not ever again.

Just as much as he won't have me here. Now I can only hope, that he'll be able to move on and search for his brother. I don't want him to be alone and sad. He deserves to have someone he loves in his life. He shouldn't be stuck here, waiting for me to show up.

I pull back and look into his tear-filled eyes. They shine brightly, the blue more intense than ever. It's like he's my own personal ocean. No wonder he loves the sea so much. He's pretty much it.

"You have to promise me something, too. Don't let me be your unfinished business. Move on from here. Don't wait for me to show up." My sobs are getting heavier like the weight on my heart right now. I can't even control them a little bit anymore. I'm sure I'm going to break down as soon as his arms leave my waist.

"Aye, love. I think I can manage that." He tries to smile through the pain and tears, but I can see right through him. He only doesn't want to upset me further. He's trying to be strong for the both of us, even though this breaks him as much as it breaks me.

He doesn't want to let go of me yet and neither do I want him to, but unfortunately, we both know that the portal won't stay open for much longer. I have to get back to everyone else. This is goodbye.

Killian stares at me for a few more seconds like he's trying to memorize my every feature. Then he takes my hand and pulls me over to the elevator. He opens it for me. I step in, even though it breaks my heart. I can feel my knees bucking, but I'm not falling – not yet. Not with Killian hand still in mine.

As he pulls down the gate of the elevator, I pause him halfway. I'm not ready for this to be over. This can't be goodbye.

I know I said, that I'm not a tearful goodbye kiss person. I also said that I don't know how to say goodbye, which I still don't. But as I look deeply into his eyes, I know that I need to taste his lips just one more time.

So, I pull him to me. I'm not even sure if he didn't start leaning in sooner or if I started it. All I know is that our lips connect for one last time. It's a slow and tender kiss, saying all the words we haven't said to each other – all the goodbye we are too upset to say. I put my hands in his hair and try to memorize how soft they are.

The kiss ends far too soon as another sob of mine breaks it. We keep our foreheads together for a little longer, breathing in each other's breaths, hoping we could stop the time altogether and just stay in this moment for the rest of our lives.

But the depressing reality is, that this won't last, and this really is goodbye. It's over.

Killian pulls down the gate completely and I tightly grip his hand, not willing to let go. As the elevator begins to move upwards. I keep my eyes locked with Killian's the whole time and grip his hand even tighter.

But eventually we can't hold on to each other anymore. His hand slips out of mine in slow motion and he vanishes from sight. That's the moment my legs stop to cooperate, and I crash to the cold floor of the elevator. I hug my knees tightly to my chest and cry loudly.

Until there is an earthshattering scream.

I open my eyes and realize, that the scream escaped my own mouth. I'm bathed in sweat and tears. It's still dark outside. Nothing I'm not used to by now.

I turn to look at the alarm clock on my bedside table.

2:13 AM. May 1st, 2021.

Today, it's been exactly 5 years since that horrible day – the day my whole life changed for the worst and I lost the one person I truly love.

It's been 5 years, but I'm still plagued with these nightmares every single day. Well, they're memories rather than nightmares. Memories I'd rather forget. But I can't chase them away. I've tried for years, but since Killian is not here anymore to make me feel safe, there's no one to destroy the monsters in my head. They're in control now.

I try to fall back asleep, but eventually realize that's not going to happen. So, I just get up – not ready to face this awful day.