Notes: I've heard people compare or complain about the differences between K-ON! and Haruhi. Well, I'm here to tell you that you shouldn't bother. Why? Because, for the most part, the similarities end right around the point where both series take place largely in a school. That's it. Now, if the light music club ever gets stuck in an endless summer, I will be the first to admit that I was wrong. But I doubt that will happen, largely because I don't think too many people have the balls to be quite that annoying a second time (on purpose, anyway). Anyway, this story explores why those two worlds colliding is such a horribly bad idea, for certain characters.

Summary: Mio decides to peek in on the literary club. It turns out to be the SOS Brigade. The venture does not end well for Mio. Ever.

The Distress of Mio Akiyama

A K-ON!/Haruhi Suzumiya Crossover Oneshot by

Nate Grey (xman0123-at-aol-dot-com)

One of Akiyama Mio's many problems was that she was insecure about a great deal of things. This included the size of her hands, her weight, and, most often, any choice that her supposed best friend forced her into.

To be perfectly honest, Mio was glad that Ritsu had all but forced her to join the light music club. However, there were times when Mio questioned the wisdom of that decision (especially when Yui tended to forget pretty much everything she'd learned over the past few days, and Mio had to start teaching her all over again). If not for Ritsu, Mio would have applied to, and most likely (in her mind) been accepted into the literary club. They had been running pretty short on members at the time, so nearly anyone with interest had to be seriously considered.

It wasn't as if Mio intended to leave the light music club now, though. She simply wanted to know what she was missing. Recently, she had begun to hear some odd rumors about the literary club (or lack thereof). This struck her as odd, because as far as Mio knew, the literary club's current president was a quiet, serious girl that was almost always reading a book. How could the literary club not thrive with such a person at the helm? It was mind-boggling to Mio, and she genuinely wanted to know what was going on. Aside from that, a small part of her was hoping that she might at least be allowed to participate, if not as a full member, then possibly by sitting in on a lecture or two. Just as long as they didn't ask her to read anything in front of an audience, she figured it would be fine.

It should be noted that in exactly 395,182 possible worlds, Nagato Yuki was in fact the president (or at least the recognized authority figure) of a certain club. It was almost always a literary club of some sort (although the list included journalism, newspaper, calligraphy, meditation, reading, and sitting-completely-still-for-hours clubs, to name a few). It should also be noted that aside from reading related subject matter, she almost never did anything to support any of these clubs. Despite this, no one else ever assumed control of them, and anyone who tried was ruthlessly squashed in a quick and efficient manner (it was essential to always have, at the very least, a dedicated, competent militia waiting in the wings, and though she rarely needed to use them, they were all quite talented).

Curiously, in over ten times as many other worlds, Yuki was a member of Suzumiya Haruhi's SOS Brigade. For unknown reasons, she did participate actively in this club (though some might argue that she did nothing actively, including breathing), though her only reward appeared to be an unlimited number of odd costumes that she was allowed and often encouraged to take home with her. Also, she had a pet cat, and sometimes it talked, often to her.

Yuki had met Mio a total of 61,827 times. The end result was always that Mio emerged from such meetings with no memory of them, and that was always for the best (if for no other reason than seriously mentally scarred people should not be walking around with their memories intact). The starting result, not surprisingly, was always that Mio got these serious mental scars by unintentionally exposing herself to Haruhi.

In most scenarios, Mio would immediately leave the literary club, walk upstairs to the light music club, and do one of three things.

She would die, she would die horribly, or she would die horribly along with the rest of her friends.

It should be noted that Mio was, for all intents and purposes, in no way related to the success or failure of any version of the SOS Brigade. Consequently, that put her firmly on the list of innocent bystanders that got themselves maimed when they happened to encounter Haruhi. Yuki should not have cared what happened to Mio one way or the other.

Except that she sort of did.

Because the only reason that Mio was ever curious enough to venture into what she thought was the relatively normal literary club was because of a small, nagging desire to meet Nagato Yuki, literary club president. Unfortunately, all this meant was that Mio unknowingly walked into the SOS Brigade, and almost always while Haruhi was in the midst of tearing off or shoving on Asahina Mikuru's clothing.

After several lengthy discussions with some of her lesser known comrades, it was decided that Yuki would be allowed to save one (and only one) version of Mio. If that still went horribly wrong, then so be it. But, if by some carefully orchestrated miracle, Mio managed to survive the rest of the day without dying horribly, the experiment would warily be considered a success. Provided that the expected mental scarring didn't show up abruptly years later, anyway.

Mio often felt a certain sense of foreboding upon entering unknown territory. This was fairly normal for someone like her, as she was frequently paranoid (and fairly justified in being so, considering who her best friend was).

She got the same feeling when she first gripped the doorknob of the supposed literary club. For whatever reason, Mio chose not to ignore that feeling, and mentally braced herself before slowly and quietly turning the knob, allowing the door to gradually inch open.

Her hesitation most probably saved, if not her life, then a great deal of her sanity.

There were, at first glance, only two boys and a girl seated at a table. One of the boys turned his head, beamed at Mio, and opened his mouth, possibly to offer some sort of greeting.

The other boy, who kept shooting nervous glances at something on the floor, shot a glance at her, turned away, and then immediately spun around to stare at her in apparent horror, for no reason that Mio could guess. He all but lurched out of his chair, arms outstretched in alarm as if to ward her away from some danger.

The girl was unobtrusively seated on the opposite side of the table, and did not even look up from the book she was focused on.

At that point, there was a strangled shout, and then two shapes shot up from the floor and practically collapsed across the far end of the table. One was quite obviously an unfortunate girl who was, inexplicably, being stuffed into a large frog costume. The other girl was "helping" her do so with an almost maniacal gleam in her eyes, and seemed on the verge of some rather sadistic laughter when she froze.

It was as if Mio had set off some sort of silent alarm, which was somehow connected solely to the sadistic costume stuffer, because she instantly turned her head towards Mio, staring intently.

A heartbeat later, a wicked grin spread across the costume stuffer's face, and then she was in motion, her former prey forgotten as she sprinted around the table, heading straight for the door, and, to Mio's growing horror, Mio herself.

Without warning, the girl who had been reading up until that point (and indeed, Mio was fairly certain that the girl was still sitting at the table) appeared next to Mio, gently placed a hand on her arm, and lightly pushed.

Mio felt as if a pro linebacker had just slammed into her arm, and was bodily tossed out of the room.

She only had time to see the costume stuffer howling in disappointment as the door was slammed in Mio's face.

Mio was driven backwards into what felt like a person, and she spun around to see an all too familiar shape looming over her. Instead of being frightened, she launched herself into Sawako's arms, laughing with wild relief at having something familiar to latch onto.

"Mio-chan?" Sawako asked, obviously startled by her reaction. "What is it? What's wrong?"

Mio opened her mouth to describe what had surely almost just happened to her, then paused. Slowly, she let go of Sawako, stretched a trembling hand toward the doorknob, and yanked the door of the literary club open.

The classroom was empty, just as Mio had suspected it would be. The tables and chairs weren't even in the same positions as they had been before.

"If you're looking for the literary club, they're meeting upstairs this month," Sawako said after a long moment.

Mio stared at the empty classroom, then at Sawako, then back at the classroom. "But," she finally said, and then fell silent.

Sawako placed her hands on Mio's shoulders and steered her away from the classroom, toward the stairs. "Come on. You look like you could use some tea and sweets."

Elsewhere, Haruhi ranted about the loss of a perfectly good victim for the better part of twenty minutes. Then she sat down at her stolen computer and sulked.

Yuki was made to wear the maid costume (which she immediately put on without protest), and Mikuru still had to serve tea in the frog costume, which was less revealing but no less humiliating.

Kyon seemed greatly relieved about something, while Itsuki was serene as always.

Mio could not explain the alarming desire that suddenly seized her moments later. Upon spotting her bass, something whispered into her head. The tiny voice seemed to think it would be a very good idea for her to pick up the bass, and proceed to bash everything within reach until it either stopped moving or was completely destroyed. If the urge remained after that, there was always the final option of turning the bass on herself.

Then Yui dropped a teacup, and Mio forgot all about the voice in her head as Tsumugi rushed over to clean up the mess.

For years afterward, however, Ritsu was on her best behavior. When asked why, she could only say that she did not care for the sinister gleam that entered Mio's eyes from that point on when she was wronged, or for the fact that Mio suddenly began practicing with the baseball club whenever she had free time. More than once Ritsu caught Mio muttering about "Very Bad People" and swinging her base as if it were a bat, and this was indeed all Ritsu needed to see.

The End.

Endnotes:

Awful, right? I am assuming, of course, that Mio is roughly a hundred times more sensitive than Mikuru, and that Haruhi, being a human shark, can smell fresh meat in the air. Or in Mio's case, gooey marshmallow softness in the air.

Sadly, many versions of Mio were harmed in the making of this oneshot. Which is even more reason why this should never happen again. But sadly, I fear it will. Just imagine: all of this terror could happen if Mio alone met Haruhi. Imagine the horrors if Haruhi ever got outside the literary club and, heaven forbid, made it upstairs to the music room? I shudder at the very idea, and I trust you do as well.