Close Encounters 18: License to Kill
as always, for Jessie, who has informed so much of spy as we know him:
anything for you
She hadn't expected to feel so trapped on the flight to Cyprus, like a caged wolf in sight of the woods, restless and anxious for freedom. But when they stepped out of the Paphos International Airport, a familiar and brilliantly blue sky awaited them, a breeze that smelled of olives and dark green trees.
They'd flown Ryanair for the last leg of their trip, and she'd taken it as a kind of sign, a touchstone to her world, an encouragement that this was the right choice to make, this was the right place for them for now.
Despite leaving a criminal case back in the States and Bracken looking like the martyred hero.
Cyprus was warm and the sun was welcoming, and Castle took her hand and led her down the sidewalk towards the line of taxis waiting. "You okay?"
"I'm good," she said easily.
"How are the ribs?"
"Not great after sitting so long," she admitted. She could feel every tread from the man's boot once more, but it would pass soon enough. "Get me to a hot tub, Rick Castle."
He smiled at her, his hair teased by the wind and flopping into his eyes. She reached up and brushed it back, came up on her toes to kiss the corner of his mouth.
"Hey," he said roughly. "Did you mention something about being pregnant?"
She laughed and tilted her head. "I might have."
"Huh. Go figure."
"Am I gonna have to explain how it happened - the birds and the bees?"
He grinned and looked like he was thinking about it. "Yeah, I think so. Maybe you could provide a demonstration?"
She laughed, startled out of her by just how happy she could be in the midst of grief and not-knowing and thwarted justice. It didn't seem to matter so much that Bracken was dead, or that her mother's case forever closed without even a hint of prosecution, or that the NSA was going after the one man who knew every last detail about her husband's dependence on the regimen. But with Rick looking at her like she was delicious, with the achingly blue sky and the sun in her eyes, she felt untouchable.
"I think a demonstration could be arranged," she hummed, kissing him again. His lips were soft, like satin against hers, and she touched her tongue to his mouth, asking inside.
He cupped the back of her head and drew her in, their hips bumping, thighs brushing. She savored being this close, this free, and she wrapped her arms around his neck and held on through the ride.
When he lifted up, both of them a little breathless, she curled her fingers at his ear and rubbed his cheek with her thumb. "Hot tub, remember? Get me to a hot tub."
"Right, I'm falling down on my job. Let's get a taxi and get you inside."
Inside. She shivered and glanced over his shoulder at the blue sky. At least the hot tub in their honeymoon villa was outside, under the sky. Inside wasn't too appealing right now.
When Castle found her, she was standing in the bathroom in a two-piece bathing suit, skimpy and erotic, made to kill a man. He studied her a moment - watched her looking at herself in the full-length mirror - and then he crossed the threshold and came for her.
She laughed when his hands slid along the outside of her thighs and his thumbs hooked in the waistband of her black bikini. "Hey there," she said, turning her head to kiss his cheek.
"What're you doing?"
"Hot tub," she said brightly.
"I have some bad news," he murmured, kissing the side of her neck, humming in that way he knew she liked.
"What?"
"You can't," he sighed.
"I can't what?"
"No hot tub."
"Why-" She stuttered and her breath caught. "Shit, I didn't even - oh my God, Rick. I didn't even think." She turned around and hooked her arms around his neck, pressing her body against his. "How did you know? I didn't even know. Shit, I am so bad at this."
"You're not bad at this," he said, rubbing her back. "I wouldn't have known either. I just was flipping through that book your dad gave us and it was in there. Like divine intervention."
"I'm so bad at this. I don't even know enough to keep from cooking the poor thing. Holy shit." Her arm tightened around his neck. "This was a bad idea, leaving like this. It's not-"
"Dr Dennison said it was perfectly fine," he reminded her. "And we have the name of the guy in Paphos. Who we won't even need because we're only here three weeks. It's fine, Kate."
He could feel the shudder ripple through her and he knew she wasn't happy about leaving the States with Bracken a martyr and the NSA hunting down Black, but he was happy. He was happy they had their lives, overjoyed they'd even had the chance to get out of the country before someone decided Kate should pay for shooting the senator.
"New plan," she scraped out. "We're going back into town and finding a damn bookstore. Every baby book; we're cleaning them out. We have homework. Before I accidentally boil the kid."
He gave a strangled laugh and popped the waistband of her bikini. "But I really like this swimsuit."
"I didn't say I'd change," she chuckled, her lips grazing his jaw. "I'll throw on a sundress and send you lascivious looks over my shoulder while we walk to the store, get you all hot and bothered for me."
"Oh, yeah?" he laughed. It'd be torture, and in the best possible way. "Sounds good to me."
"Yeah, make you crazy with it," she hummed. "Think I can make you follow me into the bathroom this time too?"
"I am most definitely sure you can," he muttered, nudging his mouth into hers and stealing a quick, hot kiss.
"And then we can come back here and read in the pool. No hot tub."
"Pool can be good for your ribs too," he promised. "And I'll give you a massage."
"You can read to me," she said in his ear. She was already working on lascivious, apparently. Her tongue traced his earlobe and he clutched the nape of her neck, trying not to squeeze her ribs too badly. "You can read about babies in that sexy voice."
"That seems... inappropriate somehow," he muttered.
"Oh, no. Entirely appropriate. How else do you get babies?"
"Hmm, you're so right. Sexy voice it is."
Kate reached up and dog-eared the page, turned into him on the float as the water lapped over the sides of the infinity pool. The villa's caretakers had filled it up too high but she loved how the water leaked over the sides, spilling over the brim like a metaphor.
"Were you reading that over my shoulder or reading yours?" she asked, tapping the baby book against his chest.
"Reading mine. Why, what did it say?"
"No deli meat," she said. "Weird."
"What? Why no deli meat?"
"It might have this bacteria called listeria. Causes a miscarriage," she answered. Even the word on her tongue made her feel a little panicky, back to that drowning sensation she'd had before she'd seen the doctor - like it could all go wrong, like she could lose everything.
"Hey, hey, okay," he said quickly. "No deli meat. Got it. We can do that."
She nodded and opened up her book again, the panic falling away. She didn't want to have panic attacks with the kid inside her; that didn't seem like being a good mother.
"And maybe we can get the water tested," he said then, his lips dragging a kiss over her still-wet hair. The water in the pool sloshed against the raft and touched her toes, made her shiver.
"The water tested," she echoed.
"For lead, this says."
"Oh-okay." Kate let out a breath and chewed on her bottom lip, kept reading.
After another few minutes, the panic was clutching at her insides again, like little fingers curling in her guts. "Apparently I have to do a glucose test, to make sure I'm processing sugar correctly. So the kid doesn't get diabetes."
Castle grunted. "Yeah, I just read that. But if we keep eating healthy, you don't suddenly start drinking a gallon of soda every day, it doesn't sound like we have to worry."
"Then there's this thing called Rh factor, and if our blood types aren't compatible-"
"Kate," he groaned. His arm tightened around her and his forehead came down to her temple, his breath skittering across her skin.
"And the pre-natal vitamins might cause gall stones, this book says. Because of all the extra calcium and estrogen and stuff. So even when I'm doing everything right, I might still be doing damage."
"Shit."
"This is kind of freaking me out," she admitted. "There are all these... so many things to keep track of."
"And the regimen - the pills you're taking on top of it - I just..."
"Vitamins," she said quickly. "Just vitamins, supplements, like the pre-natal vitamin. I swear."
"But like you said - what if it does damage to you? What if, like the Rh factor thing, what if a kid with messed up DNA isn't compatible-"
"You don't know that," she pointed out. "We don't know that he's got any of that. We'll find out with the amnio."
"But you're taking pills from Dr Boyd."
"Just to - to help him out. That's all. Just in case. Because these early weeks are so important for development."
Castle leaned back against the raft and she shifted to look up at him. He looked wrecked, absolutely wrung out, and that wasn't what this trip was supposed to be about. Not what their pregnancy was supposed to be about either.
"Forget it," she said quickly, taking the pregnancy book out of his hands. She threw it hard to one of the lounge chairs and the pages flapped as it flew, landing with a thud where she'd aimed. She tossed her own book after it and turned back to him with a triumphant grin. "No more."
He glanced across the pool to where she'd chucked their books, and then he laughed and shook his head at her. "All right. For today at least."
"Dr Dennison gave me a list of stuff to avoid, things to do, and I feel really good about her," Kate told him. "She knew we were headed overseas, and she told me to stay away from the seafood, and I just think - we should have fun. I don't want to spend this pregnancy afraid."
"No," he said quickly. "No, Kate, me neither. Even if - if something goes wrong, it's not - so long as you're here, alive, we can survive anything, you know?"
The grief was already bleeding through the edges of that statement and the worst hadn't happened; at least, it was for her. She wasn't sure she could, actually, survive losing his son.
Shit, the panic was just... ruthless today.
His arm snaked around her neck, but she had to unwind it, holding his hand to her chest instead as she breathed. "Just... let's not do this today."
"Okay," he said. "Not today. Honeymoon, right? It's our second honeymoon. We have three weeks to enjoy ourselves. Celebrate."
She nodded, grateful he was going along with it. She didn't want to think about all the ways she could screw this up; she just wanted to float in her gorgeous pool and let the sun sink through the blue sky while her husband played with her hair.
She laid down next to him again, her cheek against his shoulder and took a deep, cleansing breath. Dr Dennison had said it was important to find a space to breathe, and she knew it. She curled Castle's arm in close and kissed his knuckles.
"Do you think it really is a boy?" he murmured.
"Yeah," she grinned. "I do."
"A feeling or..."
"Mm, a feeling. Can you feel it too?"
"I don't know if it's just that's all I can picture or if it's really a feeling." He moved his hand away from her clasp and settled his palm over her stomach. It seemed to flutter under his touch, her skin rippling and her insides moving to meet him.
"Was that-?"
She laughed. "No, no. Just me. Can't feel the baby for a long while yet."
"Oh."
Kate grinned, closed her eyes to feel the sunlight on her face and the heaviness of her husband's arm across her stomach. She rubbed lightly up and down his forearm and then tangled her fingers with his.
"What does it feel like?" he said. "Right now, I mean. Can you feel him?"
"No," she admitted. "I don't - it's not anything other than - maybe thick? That doesn't explain it very well. I would never have known if it hadn't been for Boyd doing that bloodwork for the iron deficiency. A check-up, that's all. I still wouldn't know."
"Well, you'd be pretty late."
"You know me," she sighed. "That happens."
"Oh, yeah, I guess so. Faked us out a few times there."
"Yeah," she muttered, rolling her eyes behind her sunglasses. "I guess I'm lucky. No morning sickness, no feeling tired."
"Oh, this book - well, the book you threw," he chuckled, "mentioned the tiredness. Said to give in and take as many naps as you need."
"But I actually feel the opposite. Maybe I'd have noticed this sign," she gave him. "Feeling buzzed. Having energy for more."
"What does that mean?"
"Like..." She paused to try to figure out a way to explain it. A way that wouldn't make him nervous about anything super, which were her own suspicions about it. "When that NSA agent said we had to leave the country, I immediately said no."
"Well, that's-"
"Not because it was smart - obviously, not smart to stay - but because I wanted to fight. I still do. I want to fight this so badly, Rick. Just - it's buzzing through me. The need to fight. And it's not even about my mother."
"It's not?"
"No," she whispered. "I knew it wasn't. Which is why I didn't say it. But it was for - for the justice of it? For the principle. My mom's been gone for a long time now, and I've gotten closure. Killing the senator didn't help any of that. It only made me - kinda messed everything up that I'd been able to do for myself. So it's not that. It's just - I'm wired."
His fingers flexed at her abs, started to do a slow tease around her belly button. "Need a way to burn off some of that energy?"
She caught her breath and turned to kiss his jaw. "Yeah. Yeah, I do. Why don't you slide your hand a little lower?"
It was good here, easier to forget how awful the last few months had been for them, to remember only that they'd created exactly what they'd wanted for themselves.
Easier to be happy.
Kate had a hold of his hand as they left the villa, stopping on the little stone path to wait for him to lock up behind them. The air was cool in the early morning sunlight, and she'd already gone for a long run alone at dawn, the beach under her sneakers and the water chasing her farther away than she'd meant to go.
The thrill of being outside, free, under the sky with the endless Mediterranean beaming the sunlight back to her - it had made her feel alive again. Like she could do this, like she just might be able to keep hold of their baby long enough to bring him safely into the world.
She was looking forward to it; she didn't think she'd ever felt quite like this before.
Kate tugged on his hand to get him moving; he was being slow this morning, dragging his feet, and she was almost bouncing off the walls, she was so ready to get out there.
"You remember that restaurant we went to - the place with the wobbling table and the cracked tile and-"
"And the bathroom?" he smirked.
She grinned back at him. "Oh, yes. You do remember."
"I do."
"I want to go back there for lunch. Dinner. Something. Today. You up for it?"
"Today?" he hesitated. "We're going to be out all day in the market. You're making me shop, Beckett."
"Mostly just groceries," she insisted. "And maybe if there's something... I don't know. I like when we buy things from all of our places - it makes it meaningful. But we don't have to."
"I don't mind buying you things," he said quickly. His arms wrapped around her in a sudden tight embrace, his lips glancing against her cheek. "I'll buy you anything, baby. You're doing all the work here."
She laughed. "Mm, that's more like it. Come on. We've already wasted too much time."
He huffed in her ear but she was already ignoring his petulance and dragging him down the path to their gate. She felt him jogging to catch up with her, his longer strides quickly overtaking her, and he pushed through the gate first, his head swiveling back and forth in a way that made it suddenly so clear to her.
He was afraid. He was being careful.
Her heart twisted for him, her strong, beautiful man, and she let him have a second to clear the street and sweep the sidewalk, and then she stepped out after him.
"Hey," she said softly, taking his hand once more. "I went running this morning. You knew that, right?"
"You did?" he said, turning to look at her.
"Around six, when the sun was rising," she told him. "I sleep hard when I do sleep, but I've been waking early."
"You didn't wake me," he said. "I would've run with you."
"I wanted to go alone. It was just along our beach," she reassured him. Or tried. He looked distinctly uneasy. "I'll wake you next time. I promise." Kate leaned in and kissed his cheek softly. "I thought you knew I was gone."
"No, I never... I didn't even know."
"Hey, it's okay. Our beach is private and the sun was up and it was gorgeous."
"Did you swim?"
"No," she said quietly. Really, the paranoia was kind of ridiculous. If she'd wanted to swim, she wasn't stupid enough to do it alone in the Mediterranean. And the beach was theirs, and she was a covert operative with the CIA, highly trained, and what in the world did he think would happen?
"I wish we knew where Black was," he said tightly. His face was turned away from her, awash with weak morning light.
She sighed and leaned her cheek against his shoulder. "We said no more of that," she murmured. "We're celebrating, remember? I went for a run because I feel really good, and it's healthy, and I'm going to keep up my defensive training for as long as I can."
"I know," he said quickly. "Believe me, that - that makes me feel better."
She almost said It's not to make you feel better at all. But she closed her mouth and squeezed his hand harder, trying to remind him that she was here, alive, they were both alive.
"I'm proud of you, Kate," he said suddenly. "You've been - it's been rough, and you've been attacked from all sides, and yet you just don't stop. You never stop. You are relentless, and I love you for that."
"I wasn't about to let you find me like that," she said intently. Kate stopped them in the middle of the sidewalk, holding on to him. "I wasn't going to let you find out like that either. I wanted to be the one to tell you. Not Lanie."
"Lanie - oh, God," he groaned, gripping her harder, wrapping himself around her. "A coroner. I just, shit. It was too close. I'm not sure I can-"
"You can," she murmured against his ear. "You can. We're here, we're alive. We're going to have a baby, Rick."
"Yeah," he gruffed, nudging his nose into her neck and letting out a long breath. "Yeah, we are."
"You're kinda on the edge here, love."
He gave a disgruntled laugh and pulled away from her, fingers releasing her hair and stroking down her arm to take her hand again. "All right, I'm cool now," he said, but his voice still rasped. "You know just what to say."
"I've got you figured out," she smiled back.
He shook his head, a narrow-eyed look at her, but he started down the sidewalk again, smiling at least, his eyes forward and no longer darting around. He was still careful, of course; she'd never break him of his spy habits. But he wasn't irrational about it - the paranoia could be contained.
He was just a man taking a walk with his wife through the Cyprian streets, heading for a market and maybe to buy her something invested with all the meaning this second honeymoon held for them.
If they also happened to be spies lying low while the heat blew over at home, well, that was something they could handle. They had always been those people. A pregnancy wasn't going to change that.
Castle glanced over at her and smiled, true joy in his eyes again, and he leaned in and kissed the corner of her mouth.
Honestly, she was surprised that their roles had reversed. She was the one pregnant, the one who had to keep the kid safe from everything, and yet Castle was the one who seemed to be unraveling over it.
Well, not a whole lot was in his control, was it? Not a whole had been in his control either, and while she knew she craved it, she also knew he did as well. What was it King had told her?
Time to let him drive for a while.
She could find a way to do that; she could help him out as he'd helped her.