I just wanted to tell you that you are all I ever wanted and all I ever dreamed of. It has always been you and in quite moments like these I can not deny it. The feeling burns through me, it consumes me and all I want to do is run to you, take you in my arms and never let go. I can not hide this anymore, not from myself, from you or the world nor do I want to.

You deserve explanation from me. Hell, you deserve so much more from me than that. I know what I have done to you, how much heartbreak I have caused you and frankly I would understand if you never, ever wanted to speak to me again but I feel the need to tell you all of this. You need to know the truth. No matter what happens in our lives, if we ever find our way back to what we once were or if we go our separate ways I want you to know that your love was not unanswered. You just fell in love with one confused motherfucker who did not have enough courage in him to embrace the feelings he had for you. I should have welcomed those feelings, thanked the Scribe Virgin for them and been proud of the fact that this perfect male wanted me and only me. But as always, I was an idiot and threw it all away.

It probably is to late for us. You have moved on with your life and I know that I am being selfish by telling you this now but you need to know and I need to tell you. My life has been a hell of a ride so far. I haven't lived that long, but sometimes I feel like I have centuries behind me. You know what it has been like for me. My family never wanted a defect like me and they made sure as hell that I knew that. They have always denied me everything, even the simplest things like love and affection that parents naturally show their kids. Mine never did. My mismatched eyes aren't normal, they told me, not accepted. I wasn't normal and therefore I would never be accepted in their world, glymerra world. And even though I hate myself for that now I needed that acceptance. I needed to be a part of that world so fucking bad and I knew that the love that you and I shared for each other would never grant me a ticket there. So I lived in denial and I cut you of. The love of my life, the one and only person that I ever loved, and ever will love. I know that now. I told myself that I wanted a female in my life, a shellan and a young, and that that would help me into glymerra. And then finally, I would be accepted. I would finally be happy. But it was all based on a lie and on a child's dream. When I lost you that day on the balcony I realized that I lost everything. My light, my happiness, my heart, my body, my soul, my dreams, my life and myself.

I know that I was cruel and that you did not deserve those words from me. And as hard as it may be for you to believe what I am about to tell you, it is the truth. During my childhood you were the only light I had. You have always been there for me. Never questioning, never treating me differently, never feeling sorry for me and you always made me feel like the most important person in the world. What can I tell you, you were, are, my angel. For me you were, and still are, the ultimate perfection, everything good and pure. You deserved so much more than me. No way I was going to ruin you. Not only would you get me as a mate, a defect and reject, but you would be rejected from glymera also and how could I live with myself if I did that to you. So I did everything in my power to make you hate me. To make you stop looking at me with love and affection that was always reflected in your sapphire blue eyes when they looked at me. I dreaded the day I crossed that line, but I kept going. If you hated me, then you would move on and find somebody that was worthy of you. Not that anybody would ever be worthy of you, but still, somebody a whole lot of better than me. So I lied to you. I told you I did not return your feelings and to rub it in your face even more I slept around. Anybody would do as long as you were there to see me. I saw your heartbroken face and it killed me every time but I thought that I was doing you a favor. You needed to hate me, to move on. And eventually I crossed that line and my wish came true. You hardly ever look at me anymore and you have a male of worth by your side now. I may think whatever of him, I may want to rip him apart and throw away the peaces, but he is a male of worth. And he can grant you what I never will be able to. Acceptance.

We are not pretrans anymore. We are grown males now and we both have learned how difficult life can be at times. You are not a child and you do not need my help in deciding what you want in life or how you want to live it. Or with who. I am sorry that I let my insecurities get the best of me and I am sorry for denying you. I thought that I was doing what was best for you but who am I to decide what you need and what you want. Nobody but you has the right to make that choice for yourself. I was a coward. You have always known how our situation would be and how glymerra would see things and you never cared. I know that you have tried to tell me this, but I have been so focused on my own way of seeing things. In my mind I was right and you were wrong and that's that.

As for myself, well, I am a grown male now, a soldier of the Black Dagger Brotherhood and ahstrux nohtrum for John Matthew but I still feel insecurities linger in my mind. Deep inside of my soul I feel like a defect they told me I was and no matter how much I try I can not bring myself to forget that. But I have accepted it. Somehow I have made peace with the fact that my eyes will always make me different and I can live with it. Glymerra, those bastards, can go to hell.

So, what now? Well, I don't know. I just needed to tell you this. I love you. I love you so much that I sometimes don't know what to do with myself. Sometimes I have to lock myself in my room and prevent myself from running to you. I am constantly avoiding you because I don't trust myself. And at the same time I'm always looking for you. At every meal, every meeting, every party, everywhere I go. I'm secretly looking at you and for the most part you show no emotions. No happiness, no sadness. You just are. But then there are times when you think that no one is looking that sadness takes you over and in those times it becomes so clear in you face. And that sadness is part of the reason why I'm telling you this. I want you to know the truth about me so if I'm the reason for that sad face then you can let it go. Be happy, with whoever you chose.

Cards are in your hands now. I can understand if you don't want the same thing from me now that you once wanted, and I can accept the fact that you have moved on. I will respect it. Hell, I will even force myself to respect him if you chose to stay with him. I don't wanna pressure you but I am begging you. I don't expect anything from you and like I said before I do understand if you never, ever want to speak to me again. I don't deserve you, but I need you. Anything you can offer me I will gladly take. I just want to come back into your life, anyway I can. I miss you. I miss your friendship. I miss what we once were. I miss everything that we once could have been.

So with all of that said I don't know what else to say except I love you. Believe it or not I have always been yours. Your happiness is what keeps me going. So be happy with whoever you want, I will never deny you myself ever again. I am giving myself to you, every last peace of me. Please find it in your heart to forgive me.