Before Santana comes out, she dreams of it, and it freaks her the hell out. She should have known better. Taken the dreams as what they were: signs that this was a bad idea. Instead, she takes the support of people at school - of Brittany - as a sign it isn't. At first, it's okay. She talks to her parents, and they tell her it's no big deal. She's encouraged when she thinks of Kurt's father and his reaction to his coming out last year. Maybe this won't be so bad after all.
By the time Santana visits her abuela, she is feeling more confident about everything. It's not the dark ages. It's 2011. Even older people have been known to be cool about this kind of thing. Santana's seen it. So, she brings it up...and she is blindsided by the reaction of the person she cares most about in the world. Her abuela says she wants her out of the house. She never wants to see Santana again.
Santana can't breathe. She gets up from the table and rushes for the door, to her car and out of the driveway. The light from the streetlights bleeds into the blackness of the night around them. Santana tries to collect herself but it's pointless. Her abuela's rejection sits heavy in her chest. If her own grandmother's reaction is this bad, Santana's terrified of telling anyone else. Maybe the kids at school are just being nice. She knows how Kurt was treated. How Karofsky lashed out in his own confusion. Santana doesn't want to end up like either one - the bullied or the bully - but already, she knows she'll continue being who they all know her to be. The mean girl with the sarcastic humor and the brutal remarks. When she goes back to school tomorrow, she'll smile. She'll make damn sure there is no evidence of what this has done to her. How much this has hurt her.
Deep down, Santana's doubting everything. How is it that Kurt lucked out with the best dad and Brittany's parents honestly don't give a crap who she loves as long as she is happy and they treat her well? How is it that Kurt's back at McKinley with an amazing boyfriend and hardly any evidence of the hell he went through in the halls every day? How is it that even Karofsky has started acting like a human being instead of an asshole? How is it that everyone else gets to be understood, and believed, while Santana gets nothing?
Deep down, Santana knows the truth: She's buried this since she was twelve, and first noticed girls. First started really feeling comfortable in boys' tennis shoes and jeans instead of skirts and heels. She remembers looking into the eyes of her seventh grade best friend and feeling more than just trust between friends, but a spark of something more. When the friendship fell apart, she acted like she didn't care. Like it didn't matter. But then she had to keep going to school every day, where all the other girls could share stories of their broken hearts and she felt forced to stay silent. She dated boys and tried out for cheerleading the next year. She wore the uniform, feeling safer in the costume of what a girl should be than in the skin of the girl she knew she was.
Not much has changed since then, really. Four years, and she's still playing the same damn role. Still terrified to be who she really is inside. She lashes out at everybody else because they have what she doesn't. They accept themselves. And while Santana wants acceptance from her family and friends, she wants acceptance from herself more.
She wants to stop hiding.
Catching her breath and trying to collect herself, Santana calls the only person she can still rely on. The only person who won't judge her for being such a loser that her own grandmother refuses to love her anymore.
"Britt. Hey it's me," Santana manages, giving up the pretense that she is okay. Brittany will know in a second that she isn't anyway.
"Hey," she says, and the sweetness of that one word very nearly breaks Santana's heart. She knows something is up. "Do you want to come over and watch Pretty Little Liars with me and Lord Tubbington? We're still catching up. I think 'A' is short for Alien. Lord Tubbington totally agrees with me."
In minutes, Santana shows up. She hurries past Brittany's mom, who waves hello, and up to Brittany's room. When their eyes meet, Brittany mutes the TV and abandons Lord Tubbington. She stands up and opens her arms. She doesn't say anything. Just holds on.
Eventually, Brittany leads Santana to the bed. "What is it?" she asks, holding Santana's hand.
"I told my abuela tonight…about me…" Santana hedges, her voice catching. It's been almost an hour and she still can't get it together. Now, though, it doesn't seem to matter.
Brittany just listens.
"She doesn't want to see me…ever again… She said it would be better if I kept it quiet because now people will talk. She's embarrassed by me, and-" Santana's voice breaks. She can't keep going. She still can't breathe.
She feels Brittany's arms come around her again. Is relieved when she holds on and lets her cry. She doesn't try to get her to stop or act shocked that she's showing emotion. Brittany gets it. She's so perceptive about what really matters. It's one of the million things Santana loves about her.
"That totally sucks…" Brittany manages, and Santana can hear the sadness in her voice. "Because that means she's missing out on knowing the most amazing person I've ever met." Their eyes meet, and there's that electric feeling Santana first felt years ago. Brittany looks serious now. "You know, I can tell you how awesome you are as much as I want, but until you believe it, it won't matter. People would say crap about you no matter what. They say it about me all the time but I just tell myself that they're intimidated by my awesomeness."
Santana laughs a little, in spite of her tears.
"Seriously. Lord Tubbington and I look in the mirror every day, and say our daily affirmations." She leans over and scoops up the ridiculously large cat, and hefts him over to the wall mirror. She drags Santana by the hand. "Are you ready, Lord Tubbington? I'm awesome. I can do awesome stuff. I'm caring. I'm a great dancer. I rock at solving Wheel of Fortune puzzles that are almost all the way filled in… Okay, Lord Tubbington's still thinking so it's your turn…Think of an awesome thing about yourself. Look yourself in the eye, and say it. Doesn't count if you look away." She squeezes Santana's hand.
She takes a deep breath, and meets her own gaze in the mirror. She has mascara running down her face. She feels totally destroyed. She's pretty sure it'll be a miracle of one good thing comes to her mind, especially if she has to stare at her own reflection. Red, puffy eyes stare back at her. But Brittany's presence behind her gives Santana courage.
She opens her mouth and surprises herself.
"I'm brave," she says.