"You can become unhinged and cut loose from the world. You can believe you are a permanent outsider. But the innocence of a child will bring you back and give you the shield of joy with which to protect yourself. I have learned this late in life but not too late. It's never too late."
Michael Connelly in The Narrows
The Innocence of Children
Jack sat before the roaring fire hoping the warmth of it would seep into the ache in his shoulder. He was on medical leave and chose to come to the cabin alone and enjoy the brisk fall air, only the weather turned nasty and a freezing rain made a dull vacation dismal. Staring into the fire he could still feel the boys hand in his, feel the child in his arms, feel the boy go slack and Jack not able to hold him adequately. That was the story of his personal life – inadequate. That was putting it mildly not just inadequate but a total failure, a looser. He could still feel his son in his arms as the life seeped from the boy and all meaning of life and will to live seeped from him. Now with passage of a few years Jack had so much in life – an interesting fulfilling job that provided financial security, good friends, this cabin that held memories of happier times but he lacked the essentials. He would give anything to have his son alive, happy and healthy. And Sara…? Maybe there was too much time and too much pain. He thought of the Crystal energy being that took the guise of his son. It had nearly undone him. And just this past week there was the Re'tu boy who asked to be his son but this child too would have only died if he stayed with Jack. To have a family again with…and Sam Carter came to mind, beautiful and intelligent…and young. What the hell was he thinking?
He felt the ache of loss, the ache of want, the ache of feeling unworthy of what he craved. His grandparents had hard lives; they suffered losses of children and financial disaster and yet they found peace, contentment and even joy in life. And these things they readily shared with him; their love never withheld no matter how, in his youth, he tried their patience. He felt the painkillers kicking in and the warmth of the fire lulling him to sleep and felt the warm, small hand in his. And he thought perhaps there was something more for him in this existence. Not merely existence but perhaps a rich life for the taking. And maybe, just maybe he thought as he drifted off to sleep he'd ask that beautiful Captain up here to go fishing someday.