Disclaimer: I do not own Doctor Who. That belongs to BBC and all their wonderful people. If I did, series four would not have ended the way it had. Neither would series 2, for that matter. I also don't own Thinking of You. That's owned by Katy Perry and her people. So, please don't sue. I just borrowed the song lyrics because they fit my thinking for this story and the characters were also borrowed and abused a bit.
A/N: This is my first Doctor Who fic. Constructive Criticism is welcomed. Bashing is not. This ficlet came about when I was in my car, with my friend, on the way to buy Torchwood. I told her how this would make a beautiful story and told her some of my ideas and...yeah...it just evolved. I was actually trying my had at another story but this one just wouldn't leave me alone. Hope you enjoy.
Thinking of You
"But he's not you," I said, feeling my heart breaking into a million pieces. He was being so…heartless. So cold. I couldn't believe he was going to do this, leave me with the clone after all I had done to get back to him. I wanted to be angry with him, but I couldn't. I loved him too much. Instead, my heart, my spirit, shattered as I stared into his eyes, pleading with him to change his mind.
"He needs you," The Doctor stated, looking into my eyes, his expressive chocolate brown eyes giving nothing away. "and that's very me."
I shook my head slightly, getting ready to argue that it's not the same.
"But it's better than that though. Don't you see what he's trying to give you?" Donna asked and I wanted to slap her. I liked Donna, I really did, but in that moment, I wanted to kill her. I desperately wished she hadn't turned left. I didn't need, or want, her two cents. "Go on, tell her." Donna said, sounding happy, oblivious to my heartbreak.
I looked away from my Doctor and turned to face his clone. I couldn't listen to the man I love break my heart anymore. It would hurt less coming from the double; at least, that's what I tried to tell myself.
"I look like him. I think like him. Same memories. Same thoughts. Same everything. Except I've only got one heart."
"Which means?" I asked, not wanting to play the guessing game.
"I'm part human." He stated, looking into my eyes, trying to make me understand. "Specifically, the aging part. I'll grow old and never regenerate. I've only got one life, Rose Tyler. I could spend it with you." He sounded so tentative at the last part that my heart softened just a little towards the double. "If you want."
"You'll-You'll grow old at the same time as me?" I asked, my mind spinning, trying to figure out exactly what this meant for me and if it changed anything.
"Together."
I reached out and touched his chest, over his one heart, trying to see for myself if this was true. I could feel My Doctor's eyes on me as I had a small moment with his duplicate. Before more could be said or done, the TARDIS began to make noise. I turned to look back at My Doctor, afraid I already knew what that sound meant.
"We've got to go." He stated. "This reality is sealing itself off. Forever." He finished, turning away from me.
"But," I rushed after him, determined to not let him leave me. "It's still not right. Cause…the Doctor's still you."
"And I'm him." He stated, so simply it felt like a kick in the gut. He didn't realize I had given myself to him and he was tossing it all away like it was nothing. Like I was nothing.
"Alright. Both of you, answer me this." Both Doctor's stood face to face, me between them. I didn't know what I was about to do, and I couldn't be sure if it'd make a difference, but I had to know. "When I last stood on this beach, on the worst day of my life, what was the last thing you said to me?" I asked, looking at My Doctor as I said the words, pleading with him to understand what I wanted. Both were silent. "Go on, say it."
"I said, 'Rose Tyler'."
"Yeah…and how was that sentence going to end?"
"Does it need saying?" My Doctor asked. I stared at him, not believing he didn't know. Couldn't know how much those words plagued me over the last couple years.
"And you Doctor?" I asked the duplicate, determined to get an answer from one of them. He began to reach for me and I started to feel a little hopeful. "What was the end of that sentence?" I asked and he bent down and whispered the words I had longed to hear forever. When he pulled away, I couldn't help but look into his eyes, seeing all the things there I always wanted to see from My Doctor. Everything I had seen.
I grabbed his lapels and kissed him. I was kissing him for what he told me, and also to say Good Bye. I knew I couldn't stay with this Duplicate. Though I knew he was everything I wanted from The Doctor, he wasn't MY Doctor. He was just…the duplicate.
Second best.
I got caught up in the passion, the moment and before I knew it, My Doctor and Donna were sealed within the TARDIS, and leaving this world.
Forever.
And I knew, I would never be whole again.
Comparisons are easily done
It's been months since My Doctor left me with his clone and I still feel betrayed. I still find myself noticing the differences. This Doctor is less likely to ramble on and on about Bananas. This Doctor doesn't hold my hand the same way, doesn't have that twinkle of mischief I always loved in my second Doctor.
Once you've had a taste of perfection
I keep telling myself I need time to adjust, but the more time I have, the more betrayed I feel. It isn't fair. I never wanted this Duplicate. I wanted the real thing and it hurt every time I looked at him.
Like an apple hanging from a tree
Sad thing is, I can't seem to let him go. He's the closest thing I have to my lost love and I need to make due.
I picked the ripest one
No other could make me even half as happy as this clone does. No one else could possibly understand my life. I was settling, something I had refused to do for the years I was originally trapped in this parallel world.
I still got the seed
I still felt just as empty.
You said move on
I still replay that last scene on Bad Wolf Bay, trying to tell myself that My Doctor did care about me. Cared enough to leave me with a duplicate he felt I'd be happy with.
Where do I go
I tried to tell myself that it hurt him as much as it did me, but each time I replay it, I can only see his matter of fact-ness. His cold brown eyes. The way he left without saying goodbye. Again.
I guess second best
I closed my eyes and tried to hold back the tears. You'd think after months of being left, I would be over this.
But I wasn't.
Is all I will know
Cause when I'm with him
I look back at my bed and see the duplicate laying there, still asleep. It's moments like this, when the duplicate is asleep, I could pretend he was My Doctor. He looks just the same, all childish and wild hair.
I am thinking of you
I could pretend that what transpired between us last night wasn't with a clone, but the real deal
What you would do if you were the one
I could imagine the whispered words were what My Doctor would say to me.
Who was spending the night
I could pretend he'd wake and grin at me, that wild way of his, and whisk me off to the TARDIS, rambling along about what planet or time we'd be visiting next.
Oh I wish that I
And then, he'd open his eyes, just as he's doing now, and give me a smile that is so much like The Doctor's that it makes my heart break. It was so close to the original, but so different at the same time. I'm the only one who notices the slight differences. The way the grin never quite lights his eyes, the way his mouth smirks slightly to the right....and I'd remember, that this wasn't My Doctor.
Was looking into your eyes
And my heart would break all over again.
I found I couldn't breath. It's been almost a year since Bad Wolf Bay and while the pain isn't as sharp, it still hurts. I sit in the garden outside my Dad's mansion and cry. It shouldn't be like this. I should be happy. I shouldn't feel like I had just sealed my death sentence, but it does, and I do.
"Rose?"
You're like an Indian summer in the middle of winter
I look up and look into those familiar brown eyes and all I want to do is cry. They're so soft, so sweet, that I can only remember My Doctor, and when the last time he looked at me the same way.
"I'm sorry," I choke out, a sob escaping my throat.
He sighs, a sound I don't think he wanted me to hear and bends down, hand on my knee. He squeezes gently and looks up into my eyes.
"You still think about him?" He asks me, so softly, I didn't even know if I had really heard it.
I looked away from his eyes, unable to meet his gaze, feeling like I was betraying him by thinking about his original.
Like a hard candy, with a surprise center
"I know this is hard for you," He states, his voice soft and understanding. "It's taken me some getting used to too." He pauses, reaches up with his other hand and wipes the stray tears off my cheeks. "But I had hoped…" He trailed off and looked away from me.
"What?"
"It doesn't matter." He said with a sigh. "I just…I don't know how to help you, Rose."
"I…I guess I just need time." I told him, looking into his eyes. I hated being with him, but I couldn't lose him either. He was all I had left of My Doctor and I couldn't lose him.
How do I get better once I've had the best?
"I can do that." He said, giving me a small smile and I couldn't help but smile too.
You said there's tons of fish in the water
I took a deep, shaky breath and looked into his eyes.
"Yes." I stated, my voice stronger than I felt.
"Hu?" He asked, looking confused. Obviously not remembering the question he'd asked me earlier today. The one that had overwhelmed me. Caused me to run out on him and into the garden. The very question that made me remember My Doctor for the first time in a month.
"Yes," I said again, giving him a smile. "I'll marry you."
So the waters I will testHis eyes instantly lit up and stood up, pulling me up with him. I couldn't help but laugh a bit as momentum caused me to collide into him. I couldn't help but remember all the times I had fallen and the Doctor – My Doctor – had caught me. I could feel heat rising in my cheeks and I tried to shove all thoughts of the other him away. I shouldn't be doing this. I shouldn't be agreeing to marry a man when I can't stop thinking about another, but I don't know what else to do. I can't lose this doctor too.
He steadied me, just as My Doctor always had done and once I was stable, he gave me a warm smile, eyes lit with mischief as his face bent closer to mine and before I knew it, his lips touched mine and I closed my eyes, trying to remind myself this wasn't My Doctor I was kissing; marrying, but I couldn't stop myself from flashing back to another perfect moment…
He kissed my lips, I taste your mouth
…we were standing on Earth, a billion years before I ever met The Doctor. We stood, hand in hand, watching the sky turn purple as the sun set. A Pterodactyl flew over head, and I couldn't help but think, this is perfect. I was here, with My Doctor, looking at one of the most beautiful sights I had ever seen. This was one of those picture-perfect moments that could never be duplicated. This moment couldn't be more perfect.
"How long are you going to stay with me?" The Doctor asked me, glancing over at me. I couldn't help but smile up at him, knowing the answer before he finished the question.
"Forever."
He pulled me in
My mind snapped to the present as his arms wrapped around me and I couldn't help but follow suit, pulling him closer to me. I knew I should be happier, but I couldn't help but feel sad as well. My heart was still with My Doctor; I couldn't give him that. But just maybe, what I could give, would be enough.
I was disgusted with myself
"I love you, Rose Tyler." The Duplicate said, beaming at me. I gave him a small smile, my heart twisting inside my chest.
Cause when I'm with him
My brain tells me this man is The Doctor. He looks like The Doctor, sounds like The Doctor, smells like The Doctor, but my heart knows differently.
I am thinking of you
I love The Doctor.
Thinking of you
I'm marrying his clone.
What you would do if you were the one
Wishing it was him.
Who was spending the night
I looked into his eyes, and saw the love reflecting there. I knew without a doubt that this man loved me. I just wished I could love him the same way he loved me.
Oh I wish that I
"I love you too," I said, giving him my best smile, hoping I sounded more convincing to him than I did to myself.
Was looking into…
"What's wrong Sweetheart?" Mum asked me, her eyes concerned as she helped fix my hair.
"Nothing." I muttered, my eyes locking onto their reflection, trying to gauge my emotions.
"Are you happy?" Mum asked, her hands leaving my head and gripping my shoulders. I turned to look at her, surprised by her question.
"I'm getting married." I stated. "Why wouldn't I be happy?"
Mum seemed to hesitate as she stared at me.
"You know," Mum said, as she began putting the finishing touches on my hair. "I think I know how you feel." I froze as the weight of her words hit me.
You're the best
"Mum-"
"No Rose, you listen." Mum said, sounding angry and I knew to clam up and listen to her. No one messed with Jackie Tyler. "When I first got Pete back…I knew he wasn't MY Pete. But Honey, he was better than having no Pete. And while it wasn't perfect at first, it was right. I couldn't let myself dwell on the differences. I finally felt whole again. I had my family, my Rose, my husband wasn't dead, a babe on the way…it was how it always should have been."
And yes, I do regret
"I…I didn't know you felt that way." I whispered, feeling tears burn my eyes.
"Rose, I know you miss The Doctor. But honey, don't do this if you're always going to compare. You'll never be happy."
How I could let myself
"How do I let him go Mum?" I asked, my voice breaking slightly and I could see the feel the tears beginning to fall down my face.
Let you go
"You don't." Mum stated, and I stared at her, not sure what she meant. She just smiled at me and turned away.
I looked away and turned my gaze back to the mirror. I'd like to think I was beautiful, but I wasn't sure. I was missing that glow that I'd seen other brides with on their big day. I wondered if that's how I was going to live the rest of my life – missing that certain glow.
Mum returned, breaking me out of my reverie. I could see her reflection in the mirror as she fastened the veil in my hair, the last touch to getting this bride ready to walk down the aisle. She stood back and grinned at me.
"There, perfect." Mum said, beaming proudly at me.
I felt anything but perfect.
"You think?"
"Yeah," Mum said, her voice breaking slightly as tears filled her eyes. "You're beautiful Rose. Always are."
Mum turned away from me and went across the room, possibly to get a tissue.
"Mum?"
"Yeah Rose?"
"Will you walk me down the aisle?"
"What? Rose…I thought" Mum stopped, looking at me, utterly speechless. I gave her a smile and she nodded. "I'd be honored." She said, wrapping her arms around me.
"Thank you," I whispered to her and I felt her hug me tighter.
"That's what Mum's are for." She stated simply and then pulled away and looked at my face. "Now, stop that cryin'. You're ruining your make up." Mum said, sternly and I couldn't help but laugh.
Now the lesson's learned
Less than a hour later, I was alone in the side room of the church, waiting for Mum and Dad to come get me. I was nervous and ready to get this over with. I needed to do this. I spent the last hour telling myself that this is the last step to getting over The Doctor. That after this one deed was over, I could officially move on with his duplicate. That just maybe, the duplicate would become MY Doctor.
I looked down at my left hand and studied the small ring on my finger. It was small and simple, but it glittered when the light caught it and I could see a rainbow of colors within the stone.
I touched it
I twisted the ring around my finger a moment before pulling it off. I felt naked without that ring now that I had worn it for so long. It was custom to take the engagement ring off before the wedding, but I found it hard to do so. He had told me there was a piece of the TARDIS built into the ring. Somehow, he'd managed to take a piece of it before The Doctor had left. Wearing it made me feel whole, more at peace.
I was burned
Maybe because it was the only way I knew for sure that this Doctor wouldn't leave me behind too.
The door opened and in stepped Mum. I looked up at her, my heart stopping in anticipation.
"You're ready?"
Am I?
I nod in response and she smiles at me. I get up from my seat and walk over to Mum, my dress swishing as I walked. She smiled at me and walked me down the hall to the just outside the doors. I could hear the organist playing for the audience, full of people I barely knew, and waiting for the song to change to that all-too-familiar bridal march.
"Rose?" Mum whispered.
I turned to look at her.
"Do what your heart tells you." She whispered before she stood up on tip toes and kissed my cheek. I didn't get a chance to respond before the music changed to my cue and we rounded the corner and paused a moment at the end of the aisle.
Oh I think you should know
My eyes locked on the man at the end of the aisle, dressed in a suit – as usual – but instead of the usual Blue or Brown colors I was so used to, it was black, matching his dark hair perfectly. My eyes locked on his, and the look in them took my breath away.
Cause when I'm with him
Mum pushed me slightly, leading me up the aisle and I closed my eyes, letting my Mum guide me down the aisle.
I am thinking of you
I love you, Doctor. I thought, tears burning behind my closed eyes. I wish you were here, standing at the end of the aisle.
Thinking of you
I opened my eyes and found myself still staring at the Duplicate. Love filling his eyes as he smiled at me, a smile that was so much like The Doctor's, it made my heart ache.
What you would do if
I watched as he mouthed three words to me, three very familiar words and my heart panged, knowing it was the wrong lips that said them.
You were the one
It knew who it longed to hear say the words; knew exactly who wouldn't ever say them. But it didn't change what was.
Who was spending the night
We stopped just before the altar. Mum gave me a hug. Dad got up from his pew and hugged me as well. He whispered to me that I was beautiful, more a daughter than he ever thought possible and I hugged him in return, tears threatening to fall. Finally, we parted and I turned to face the man I was marrying. He offered his hand to me, just like he always did, smiled at me with that same mischief and I briefly wondered if I should have worn my converse's instead of the heels.
Oh I wish that I
He led me to stand just before the minister, took both my hands, and them both a gentle squeeze. I looked up into his eyes, and smiled at him, my own grin matching his in its craziness.
Was looking into your eyes
The minister led us through the ceremony. He gave the eulogy, blessed the rings, and said a few more words on love.
Looking into your eyes
Through all this, I couldn't help but think of how we got this far. Of all the events that led me to this moment.
Looking into your eyes
I knew I wished The Doctor was here. That he'd be the one who'd be saying "I do"
Oh won't you walk through
And whisk me away in the TARDIS…
And bust in the door
Back to the stars, the galaxies, the planets.
And take me away
But I knew it wouldn't happen. The Doctor had told me this reality was closed. Forever. It couldn't happen. Wouldn't happen.
Oh no more mistakes
And when it was time for "I Do" I didn't hesitate. I knew I'd never wind up with The Doctor. But this man…he is My Doctor.
Cause in your eyes I'd like to stay
~ Fin