Continuation of another fic, the Temptation of Adam. Warnings for crack, fluff, the tiniest drop of pairing rivalry for kicks, room-mate!1859, and general fail.
The trip to France was extended a whole month. It wasn't the worst news for the two of them, but it wasn't the best news for starving Uri and Hibird, locked inside the apartment back in Japan.
"They'll survive."
Gokudera grunts a little. "If you're damn bird has eaten my cat," he says, and Hibari doesn't reply as precaution, on the off-chance. He glances briefly at Gokudera, who's skillfully picking the tomato from his sandwich, and decides it isn't really the most ridiculous thing he's ever heard.
Ten Reasons Why Relationships Are Ridiculous
1. The arguments.
"We should get a house-keeper," Gokudera says absentmindedly, clicking his tongue at the contents of the fridge. "This milk smells like drinking it will infect me with fucking mono." He sighs, slams it shut. Hibari never really pays attention to these conversations; they're fleeting, few in number, really. Gokudera just likes to whine.
Hibari favours him with his blankest expression, picking up a tub of three weeks out-of-date yoghurt and banging his spoon on the countertop as though he's making a point. "I'd prefer to risk it."
The subject is quite obviously not done with. "That's what your mother said to the syphilitic whoremonger that is your father, and look how that worked out," he hears from the kitchen, along with a rhythmic slam from Gokudera's knife cutting a - salvageable - orange. It's a formidable sound. It's the declaration of war.
Hibari frowns and turns the volume on the television all the way up.
2. Your job should really come first.
The next day, Gokudera's gone, the fridge is empty, and he still needs to unpack.
He remembers belatedly, dumbstruck in the shower, that it's exceedingly possible Gokudera mentioned something about a trip to America, and that, just maybe, that's why his suitcase has disappeared. America sounds much too random; what the hell business has he, or even the Vongola got there, anyway?
And then the realization hits him - it's not business he's got there.
"I'll bite him to death," he tells himself, and then he nods at his own statement, and goes on trying to get the shampoo out of his eyes.
3. Jealousy is a pointless emotion, but still a constant threat to your manhood.
Yamamoto Takeshi was training in America, while - somehow, with all three of his IQ points straining from the pressure of thought - managing some of the family's Stateside workload.
"It's not like I want to be here," Gokudera tells him carefully, with the sound of Tsuna and Yamamoto laughing together in the background. There's something in the tone of voice that screams falseness, that sings with content. To Hibari, this is something like a wake-up call, something like a get your ass to New York and kill the fucker dead call.
In Yamamoto's defence, when it came to a confession - or, more honestly put, that time Gokudera had to pry Hibari's hands from Yamamoto's throat and bashfully explain their situation - afterwards, he'd backed off. Leered from a distance. For an awkward month, Hibari violently refused to allow them within ten metre proximity. The teachers had all been outraged when he'd took it upon himself to redecorate and section humungous holes into their walls, so Yamamoto had an acceptable seating position in class. A handful of staff had been fired for their audacity, not to mention beaten to shitty pulps, but that was simply the price of virtue.
"Look, two more days, and I'll be back."
It's said definitively. As though that's it. Hibari wonders how he doesn't understand his old school buddy is only a flight away from getting his balls skewered with a bottle opener.
Then comes the goodbyes; as horrendously uncomfortable as they were when they were kids, still much too couple-y, too feeling-y.
Gokudera's obviously not as uncomfortable as he is though, because he doesn't even notice when he mumbles something suspiciously - bloodcurdlingly - similar to I love you.
But then he realizes, a second to late, after making an extremely unextreme girly yell of panic and hitting the End Call button so forcefully that Hibari hears the screen of his iPhone cracking, right before the outdrawn mockery of the dial-one.
It's about ten minutes before he wills himself to stand up. The only reason he moves at all is because his face will stick that way if he holds it any longer, appropriate as it may be.
He numbly strides into the kitchen and starts cooking the tin of soup at the back of the cupboard that's been there since he moved in. He feels like he should be sick and be laughing and be happy at the same time. He ends up with a monstrous headache, and then the infernal compulsion to check his phone every so often - just in case.
4. Love is a pointless emotion, but still a constant threat to your manhood.
In no way do either of them - fucking ever - acknowledge it.
That was the plan, anyway.
"Slip of the tongue," Gokudera blurts out hurriedly at the airport food court, taking another long sip from his coffee. "I just. I wasn't really thinking."
Hibari raised an eyebrow. "There's a surprise."
Gokudera begins spluttering and cursing and blushing, and everything is alright again. All apart from the aching disappointment flooding Hibari's veins like ice, but it's not like he hasn't handled - or, more fittingly, ignored - worse. Worse, like the possible infidelity of, okay, maybe not a loved one, but a liked one, definitely, and that surges through him like fire, burning at his very skin and bones, until he was actually suddenly sweating. One moment, he's opening his mouth to let loose the attack of accusations and gruesomely phrased threats to one mentally deficient Rain Guardian and the next -
- he's having a coughing fit into his styrofoam cup.
5. Two socially inept, hateful people engaging in affection will offend both God and the neighbours.
"You ate the leftovers. I don't believe you ate the goddamn leftovers."
Hibari shifts underneath the blanket, watching Gokudera fuss over the thermometer. "Why don't you go check the sink again then," he remarks dryly, and then he doesn't push it, because Gokudera's hands are soothingly cool on his forehead. Their relationship isn't exactly in it's prime, so it's liable that, if he pushes far enough, he'll be left to take care of himself. He keeps his mouth shut.
Gokudera has to go on his knees to put them at a proper height with each other. "Move your arm," he instructs softly, and they wait on Hibari's temperature without a word, with an old cartoon playing in the background. Out of nowhere, Hibari thinks about how quiet it was with him gone, how boring BioShock was without him, how annoying the neighbours were without him. Out of nowhere, he leans closer, one hand firm on a bony shoulder when they kiss, light and long. Gokudera's hand slides up the side of his stomach and tugs the thermometer out from under Hibari's arm. He looks at it from the corner of his eye, unable to do much else with Hibari's hands directing the angle of his head.
"High," Gokudera says against the corner of his mouth, "That's bad. You're an idiot. You're going to get me sick like this."
"Then you're the idiot." And Hibari puts an end to the conversation there, yanking Gokudera on top of him.
6. After a while, you'll only ever get horny from sickness.
"I don't believe we did that with you ill. Not just mentally this time, but - but physically too."
Hibari doesn't have anything to comment. His smug smile and the lazy arms crossed beneath his head speak for themselves.
"... moron, you can't just lie there like that in your condition."
Hibari makes no move to put on any clothes, however.
Gokudera lets out a defeated sigh, then stands up and stretches. "I need to shower. You're health made that whole ordeal pretty unpleasant."
When he makes for the bathroom, Hibari follows him.
7. After a while, he stops getting horny altogether.
Unsurprisingly, by the third day, Hibari's immune system is victorious and Gokudera's is being torn to pieces. When he gets sick, it's always particularly vicious and harrowing, a sad truth when he's also unbelievably prone to contracting every virus under the sun. It's not at all possible for Hibari to play nurse either, because Gokudera stays locked in the bathroom for most of the day, throwing up like there's no tomorrow, or no threat of the pipes bursting.
"Aren't you meant to stay warm," Hibari points out when he makes an appearance; paper white, exhausted, sweaty and wearing nothing but a baggy t-shirt and his underwear. "Sweat it out, or something like that." His eyes flash, his expression still questioning, still hiding any possible undertone expertly, but Gokudera equally as expertly hears the intention.
He rolls his eyes, pulls on the nearest, newly ironed pajama bottoms from over the head of a chair. "Keep it in your pants, for once," he hisses, and then he goes off to fill a hot water-bottle.
Hibari's jaw is so tense his canine's begin melding into each other.
8. The time you spend together will generally be in silence.
Once, Gokudera swore to never re-play Zelda: Majora's Mask. The fact was, they were both picky perfectionists, and a game like that full of side-quests and extra storylines and unlockable equipment was not a perfect fit for two men with busy schedules. It was a good system for them, but of course, it doesn't last.
They sit in front of the GameCube for five hours straight, and the only thing either of them say is, "I fucking hate that fairy."
-
For the next day at work, they pair up. The job takes a little longer than expected, and maybe they weren't as well prepared as they should have been. (Exhausted from staring at the television screen until three in the morning, but like that matters here.)
The only sound that breaks the eery silence is Hibari coughing on the smoke and debris, and the instantly following scuff when Gokudera puts his cigarette out under his shoe.
9. The risk.
They're home by six. Gokudera's trying to hide the fact he's hurt - with no skill - the whole way, and when they enter, Hibari grabs him by the wrist and drags him to get the first-aid kit.
He ties his arm up, stops the bleeding, his eyes flickering back and forth to the horrified expression on Gokudera's face and the cleaned up wound.
"There's a reason I handle this stuff," he murmurs to Hibari, staring down at his arm with disgust. He sighs, begins to undo it, and the offence Hibari suffers rages. Gokudera stops, midway, his eyes guilty. "You can't wrap for shit." Then he tugs his sleeve back down, and puts the kit away.
10. It's a descent.
In the morning, Hibari does nothing but watch old Monty Python sketches until Gokudera wakes up.
He tenses on his seat when Gokudera sits next to him, closer than necessary. "You need to shower," he says, one hand toying with the remote.
"I know," Gokudera answers sleepily, then he yawns, scoots even closer, and they sit like that until the afternoon.
One Reason Why It Might Be Worth It
Hibari fucking hates everyone else.
Disclaimer: Nothing's mines.
AN: I don't even know. This is sort of meant to be a joke unto itself.
I blame school. And Hibari for being such a BAMF that my first reaction is, of course, to make him a doting waifu. I doubt I'll have the balls to attempt writing him again without seeing him in an apron saying 'OH MY SILLY DERA~' or something equally as horrifying.
/lols at you for reading so far