Friday night dinner. It was nice that some things never changed. It had been a constant part of Kurt's life for as long as he could remember. All the way back to when his mother was alive, she was the one who started it and his dad had kept it going after she was gone. Kurt had then transferred the habit to New York at the loft and now he came home to find his friends had kept up with the tradition as well. It was cozy, but more importantly it was familiar and he hadn't realized how much he needed that until he was sitting at the table. After these last few months of living in the "Twilight Zone" alone in New York, without Blaine or any of his friends...this felt like home. Even his bickering with Rachel was welcome, because it took him back to the old days. Back to when...Blaine was his.
Blaine. Where was he? He was supposed to be here, but he was late. Kurt tried to bury the worry that something might have happened to him deep inside. Of course he was fine. People sometimes ran late, it was no big deal and he wasn't even that late. No, but Blaine was usually so punctual. What if...?
Stop it, Kurt. He's fine. You should focus on other things, like how to fix this mess you made between the two of you.
How did he ever screw up so badly? He was sure if his old self could travel forward in time, he would slap him senseless for what he had done. He couldn't help but wonder where that version of himself had gone? The Kurt that got all moon-eyed whenever Blaine was near, the Kurt who swooned whenever Blaine sang, the Kurt who drew little hearts in notebooks with their names? The Kurt who didn't take Blaine for granted and liked his boyfriend's clingy attentiveness. What happened to that guy? He didn't know, it had just sort of happened gradually. He couldn't tell you when he stopped being that Kurt and became...this.
His therapist had said he "had this thing with love." And she was right. That after everything that had happened to him in his life; his mother's death, the bullying...he was scared of intimacy, of trusting people, of letting anyone in completely – because in the end he was afraid they would either hurt him or leave him. And as a result he found it extremely hard to be vulnerable and talk about his feelings. Instead he had developed this defense mechanism where he bottled things up until he exploded and whatever was bothering him came out mean and snarky the second he was pushed too far. Kurt would rather fight than talk things out rationally, because that was at least something he knew how to do, something he had been used to with bullies, something that kept the walls in place and protected him so he could act indifferent, when in fact he was anything but.
He did try though, to talk to Blaine. And in a few instances he succeeded, but never until after the storm, never until after he had already blown up. Blaine was always so calm trying to work things out in an adult manner until Kurt pushed his buttons and got him riled up and boy did Kurt know how to do that. It was a natural side effect of knowing each other so well. Too well. An issue would arise and it could be the smallest thing that set it off. Sometimes things that shouldn't even matter. More often than not they weren't even really fighting about that thing, to Kurt it was just an excuse to fight, to create some distance whenever Blaine came too close and he felt suffocated. Blaine would then try and talk to Kurt about it, Kurt would get defensive, then go off like a bomb and say things he didn't mean. But he wasn't aware of that at the time, that that was what he was actually doing. He didn't realize. Not until his therapist pointed it out. And then it was suddenly so clear.
It had been their pattern for so long. And it was exhausting, yet Kurt had been powerless to stop it, hadn't known how. It usually resulted in tears from Blaine and him leaving because he couldn't stand to be there with Kurt and then eventually he would come back and there would be silence until Kurt had calmed down; then they would finally talk the way they should have the first time, Kurt would apologize - as would Blaine, he always did even when he wasn't at fault and Blaine would always forgive him. Well, not this time.
"I will never forgive you for this."
Blaine's last words to him that rainy night still played in his mind and he could still see his broken face when he said it. It haunted him. And he knew just saying "sorry" wouldn't be enough this time. He had been prepared for that though, he had known all along that he would have to fight to get Blaine back and he had decided to be completely honest about his intentions from the start, no more games. He had already played enough of those with Blaine and his therapist had advised him that honestly and transparency was the best policy at this point. What he wasn't prepared for and never could have seen coming was Karofsky. David. Dave. With Blaine.
Kurt had always thought that Blaine and Sebastian hooking up was his worst nightmare, but he had been wrong. Seeing his ex-fiance and ex-tormentor was worse. So much worse. And when they started in on the nicknames he had almost lost his dinner. He knew Blaine hadn't done it to purposely hurt him, he wasn't that vindictive, but it had had the effect none the less. He had excused himself to the bathroom as soon as he could and next thing he knew he had found himself broken down on the dirty floor of the gay bar. He'd cried and cried and cried, clawed at his shirt because he'd felt like he couldn't breathe, like he was suffocating again, but this time for a completely different reason. His Blaine, had moved on. And it had hurt worse than anything he had ever experienced, even losing his mother.
He had stayed in that bathroom for far too long and he was sure Blaine knew what was going on if the look on his face was anything to go by. Because Blaine just knew Kurt too well, but none of them acknowledged it and Dave seemed totally oblivious. Kurt had excused himself about five minutes later to go home and cry some more. It felt like it was all he did these days. Cry. He dived into the salad on autopilot when he was torn from his thoughts by the door bell.
"Oh, I guess that's Blaine." Rachel was quick to point out and sure enough, two seconds later Blaine was storming in looking flustered, apologizing for his tardiness, satchel still over his shoulder. "Hey everybody, you would not believe the day I've just had. Sorry, I'm late, what did I miss?" He proclaimed as he sat down, but didn't elaborate further.
Kurt couldn't help but steal a few glances his way. He looked good. Blaine always looked good. He barely glanced Kurt's way though and that stung. He was used to being the only thing Blaine had eyes for, but that had clearly changed. His thoughts were interrupted once again by Mr. Schue talking show choir stuff, but Kurt wasn't really paying attention, all he could focus on was Blaine. He wanted to ask about his day, was curious to know what had happened, but he didn't wanna pry. This friendship they had now was tentative at best and he didn't wanna overstep any boundaries. Lucky for him Blaine spilled the beans himself a few minutes later.
"I actually really really need everyone's advice, I have a huge dilemma. A girl wants to join the Warblers." Blaine said and looked a Kurt for a second in a way that said: "That's crazy, right?" And Kurt had to agree, it kinda was. Well, it was for sure unexpected at least. Since when did Dalton even let girls in? As far as Kurt knew it had always been an all BOYS school. And the Warblers was an all BOYS choir. Had been for generations. To change that now would be really hard. Kurt knew this instantly, having attended there and seen first hand how tradition was so important. His friends however didn't understand.
"What's the dilemma?" Rachel chipped in right off the bat without thought. Typical Rachel.
"You can not be on the wrong side of history here. I mean, you of all people should know that." Schue followed. They were so predictable.
"I know. I just think tradition is important too, ya know." And again Blaine went and proved how you could take the boy out of Dalton, but you couldn't take Dalton out of the boy.
"Well, some traditions are meant to be broken." Rachel spoke again and Kurt had to agree with her on that. He believed in equality for all and even though Dalton was in many ways a safe haven for a lot of kids, some of their policies weren't fair. This being one of them. He could easily imagine how he would feel if he was in the position of this female student. She had to be given a chance like anybody else.
"You have to at least let her try out, what's the worst that could happen?" He asked, going for casual. He wasn't sure he succeeded though. Speaking directly to Blaine after all this time of not seeing him was still weird and slightly awkward. Blaine just looked at him, clearly conflicted and the dinner conversation moved on to other topics.
Because it was Friday and none of them had plans the day after they decided to retreat back into the living room for a few drinks after dinner. Kurt sat on the couch and was surprised that Blaine sat next to him. They were on different ends, but Kurt considered it progress. Rachel and Sam were in the chairs on the opposite side while Schue lit up the fireplace, ditched out some glasses and then produced a bottle of Whiskey from a cabinet.
"Mr. Schue!" Rachel protested.
"Right on!" Sam exclaimed.
Kurt and Blaine just sat in silence, looking at the bottle, thinking about how alcohol was the last thing they needed to add to the chaos their friendship already was. But in the end they all accepted a glass anyway. Screw the consequences. They weren't in high school anymore. They could handle this. Like adults.
"Don't tell anyone." Mr. Schue said, a conspiratory gleam in his eye and he opened the bottle. "I know you guys aren't legally of age but you're almost there and I know you've all been drunk before." He looked pointedly at Kurt as he poured making him blush and thank the powers that be that Emma wasn't there in that particular moment. He thought he caught Blaine's smirk out the corner of his eye, but when he turned his head it was gone. Shortly afterward Blaine was forced to move closer to Kurt when Mr. Schue claimed the only spot left on the couch. Their legs were almost touching and Kurt really wanted to close that gap, but he knew he couldn't.
The night progressed slowly, but comfortably with lots of stories and laughter and somehow the drinks kept coming until the bottle was empty. Of course Blaine and Rachel were the ones who got hammered. Mr. Schue had more experience with alcohol, plus Emma would kill him if he got wasted, Kurt simply didn't trust himself when drunk so he held back and Sam was just big, so it would take more to bring him down. Rachel and Blaine were both tiny though, so it made sense when both quickly became obviously intoxicated.
No one minded though. Especially not Kurt since Blaine always became very touchy feely when drunk and it didn't take long until the small touches started. First it was legs brushing, then hands and then Blaine somehow moved really close to Kurt like they were magnets drawn to each other and no, Kurt didn't mind at all. Especially not when Blaine fell asleep right beside him, his head slowly coming to rest on Kurt's shoulder - he was pretty sure his smile could be seen from the moon.
He was nothing short of ecstatic that Blaine wasn't afraid to still be close to him like that. Granted, he was drunk, but Kurt didn't care. Nothing could bring him down from the high of feeling the weight of Blaine's head on his shoulder. He didn't even mind when Mr. Schue raised an eyebrow, Sam rolled his eyes, then smiled and Rachel sent him a pointed, drunken and so not subtle look that said: "Aww, I'm happy for you." He was just too content in that moment.
Shortly after midnight and God knows how many glasses of whiskey later, Emma came home from a girls night with a sleeping baby Daniel and Mr. Schue retreated upstairs with his family, but not before telling them that they could stay the night if they needed to. They talked for a while longer until Rachel fell asleep and Sam said he'd better take her home. Then it was just them, Kurt and Blaine alone for the first time in months and Kurt allowed himself to stare for a while at the sleeping beauty next to him. Blaine lips were slightly parted, his breathing heavy and his incredibly long eyelashes fanning out over his cheeks. He really was beautiful. Magnificent in every way. And Kurt let him go.
You are so stupid. So so stupid.
He could have sat there and watched Blaine forever and not get tired of it, but he knew he had to either get Blaine home or at least into a more comfortable position or he would end up with a crick in his neck tomorrow. He decided it was best to try and wake him gently.
"Blaine? Hey. Blaine. Can you hear me, it's time to get up."
Blaine didn't budge though and when Kurt tried to move away he actually whined a bit.
"No." He mumbled. "Feels good." He then nudged closer still and Kurt smiled. It was just so cute. Blaine always turned into this cuddly puppy who just needed affection, when he drank. It actually wasn't that much different from sober Blaine, just...a bit exaggerated. Okay, a whole lot.
"It won't feel good tomorrow, if you stay like that. Come on, honey." It slipped. It totally slipped. Kurt froze. But Blaine either hadn't heard him and was in no shape to protest. Kurt hoped for the first. And thankfully he was pretty sure that even if he had heard it Blaine wouldn't remember it tomorrow anyway.
He soon realized that he wasn't gonna be able to get Blaine awake enough to get him to the car, Kurt was bigger yes, but he couldn't carry him when he was dead weight. He somehow managed to get him manhandled down into a vertical position on the couch instead and covered with a blanket since he didn't want him to wake up freezing. The fire was sure to die sometime during the night. Blaine just cuddled down further into the couch, mumbled a thanks and fell right back into a deep slumber.
That left Kurt sitting on the floor in the dark silent house with only the cracking of the fire and Blaine's even breaths filling the room. There was a sense of tranquility in the moment that was hard to describe. It was just this overwhelming feeling of rightness that he hadn't felt in so long and he knew why. It was because Blaine was there and a sudden need to touch came over him, he couldn't help himself. He reached out and ran his fingers through Blaine hair scratching lightly, making him sigh and smile in his sleep. His hand glided down over Blaine's cheek, feather light and Kurt leaned in to whisper.
"I am sorry for everything I put you through. I love you."
He then kissed his temple, stood up to leave and as he opened the door he turned back one last time to glance back at the sleeping man, only one thought on his mind.
I am gonna get you back. I am gonna prove to you how much I have changed and how much I love you.
I will earn your forgiveness and win back your heart and trust, Blaine Anderson.
And with that the door clicked closed and he vanished into the night.