Story: Wolverine: The Collective Remakes of Awesomeness 2
Author: Master Jin Sonata
Written: January 12th, 2015
Genre: Humor/Parody
Rating: T (Violence, Language)
Disclaimer: I do not own Marvel or its silly and hot-headed clawed berserker.
The second collection of Wolverine-themed fics is here! The originals have been removed, and the updated versions are now in this new final update.
In this collective you will find:
Wolverine Goes Berserk Over Prohibition
Originally Published On December 28th, 2008
Wolverine Gets It Handed To Him By Juggernaut
Originally Published On April 26th, 2010
Wolverine Saves The World, Sorta
Originally Published On August 2nd, 2010
Wolverine Goes Berserk Over Prohibition
The Blackbird
The X-Men were on their way back to the X-Mansion after completing a rescue mission in the Savage Lands. Storm was piloting the jet, and next to her sat Cyclops. In the back were Gambit, Psylocke, Colossus, Jubilee, and of course: Wolverine.
"Whew, another job well done by us!" Jubilee says, pulling out a bottle of cold soda out of a cooler that sat next to her.
Wolverine reached into the same cooler and dug out a brown bottle from underneath the ice. "Hey, no drinking on the job…unless its alcohol kiddo," Wolverine teases, popping open the cap and taking a swig of his beer.
"I'm glad you're not flying this jet while intoxicated," Storm called back to Wolverine.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Wolverine says, leaning out into the isle and glaring at Storm.
"You know what happened last time you were buzzed while operating machinery," Cyclops adds.
Flashback
Wolverine is standing through a gaping hole in the wall of Scott Summer's bedroom, haphazardly looking at his motorcycle which was lying on top of Scott in his bed after Wolverine had crashed it there moments earlier.
"I always know that kid loved his bikes, but damn…" Wolverine says, taking a swig of his beer as he continued to look at the accident scene while under the influence.
End of Flashback
"Funny…I don't remember that ever happening…" Wolverine said, scratching his head.
"Gee you think?" Cyclops said, with an irritated sigh.
"Well at least his drinking does not interfere with his fighting ability, no?"Colossus commented.
"Damn straight!"Wolverine says, taking one last gulp of his ice-cold beer just as the Blackbird lands back at the X-Mansion.
Xavier's Office
Inside Professor Xavier's office, the X-Men stand before the professor, who was congratulating them on a mission well done.
"Well done team. The hostage you rescued is in safe hands thanks to you,"Professor Xavier said to them.
"Ah it was nothing sugah',"Rogue said with a wink.
"Oh, by the way, a breaking news report just came on a bit earlier while you guys were gone. I recorded it in case any of you were interested," Professor Xavier says, turning around in his wheelchair and popping in a videotape of the recorded news broadcast into his TV.
"Good evening. We have breaking news to report. Senator Kelly has just passed a new law that bans all alcoholic beverages from the entire state effective immediately in hopes to curve irresponsible persons from getting in trouble with beer. And now for Sports…"
"Well that's not bad…it's not like anyone drinks here anyways…" Psylocke comments, but was cut off when Wolverine kicks the television off of Professor Xavier's desk in a fit of rage.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Wolverine yells as he turns around and leaves the room babbling and sobbing like a big baby.
"...Well that can't be good…" Jubilee says, shocked at what she just witnessed.
"I have a bad feeling about this…" Storm comments as she puts her palm on her face in embarrassment.
Wolverine's Bedroom
Later that night, a very jittery Wolverine was in his bedroom, curled up and rocking back and forth at the fact that he won't be able to drink any more beer now that this prohibition law is in effect.
Moments later, Jubilee peeks her head inside his room and sees how much of a wreck her teammate was at the moment.
"Come on Logan…pull yourself together! You can make it through this!" Jubilee said to him, trying to cheer him up.
"I just can't grasp the facts kiddo…you don't know what it's like to lose something precious to you…" Wolverine said with a groan.
"Well…actually I sorta do…" Jubilee started to mention.
Then, an idea pops into Wolverine's mind.
"I got it! If I can't purchase any more beer, I'll just make some!" Wolverine says with a new-found tone of confidence.
He jumps off of his bed and began rushing out of his room toward the lower level of the X-Mansion.
"Wait! Where are you going?"Jubilee calls out to him.
"To play with a certain someone's chemistry set!" Wolverine yells back, disappearing down the hall.
Beast's Laboratory
Downstairs underneath the X-Mansion, Beast was busy in his lab conducting various experiments involving dozens of chemicals wired through many test tubes and beakers.
"Hmm…fascinating…if I just combine these ingredients together…I'll be able to make a potion that will potentially reverse the effects of the mutant gene within all of us, making us normal humans again…but I'm missing a key ingredient…" Beast said to himself.
Beast turns and heads out of his laboratory to retrieve the missing ingredient he needs.
Unbeknownst to him, Wolverine had been hiding in his lab the whole time, waiting for him to leave. Slowly rising up from behind the counter, Wolverine swipes all of Beast's chemicals and pulls out a slip of paper from his pocket.
"Okay, these damn instructions I printed off of the internet better be the correct ingredients for making homemade draft beer," Wolverine mutters to himself.
Then, one by one, Wolverine began grabbing the various colored liquids and started mixing them together according to the instructions.
"There!" Wolverine said, holding up a vile of brown liquid, which was his completed concoction. "And now for the taste test."
Just as soon as Wolverine brought the vile to his lips, Beast taps him on the shoulder from behind.
"What are you doing, Logan? Can't you see I'm busy here?" Beast says to him, arms crossed in disapproval. "Hey, are those my chemicals?" he then questions, pointing to the vile in his hands.
"Yeah, I'm making me some beer, got a problem with that, blue-boy?" Wolverine says to Beast.
"As a matter of fact I do. Give me that!" Beast says, snatching the vile out of his hands. "Let me try this so called beer you mixed together."
Beast takes a swig of the mixture that Wolverine made, and smacks his lips.
"Hmm…tangy…but it's no beer though…" Beast says, savoring the odd taste.
POOF!
Suddenly, a large cloud of smoke engulfs the blue mutant.
Once it cleared, Beast was completely transformed into a four-legged Canadian Deer, antlers and all.
"What the…?! Logan, what in pete's sake did you make?!" Beast said angrily to Wolverine.
Wolverine looked dumbfounded at what had happened to Beast, and then looked at the paper he printed out.
"Ah shit…I misread it…it doesn't say 'Draft Beer', it says 'Draft Deer'…" Wolverine mutters to himself…
RAM!
…when Beast suddenly rams into Wolverine in frustration, sending the beer-loving mutant flying across his lab, crashing into a wall on the other side.
"Time to report Logan's behavior to the Professor…after I get me some berries and leaves…" the deer-transformed Beast says as he trots out of his lab.
After Beast had tattled to Professor Xavier about Wolverine trying to make bootleg beer, Professor Xavier orders the other X-Men to tie down Logan in his own bed to make sure he couldn't try any other shenanigans that night.
Wolverine's Bedroom
Wolverine was laying face-up in his bed, strapped down by several chains, belts, and ropes.
"Dontcha think this is a bit…much?" Wolverine says as he tried to wiggle himself free, but fails.
"It's for your own good. Your craving for alcohol is going to get yourself and the rest of us in trouble. Besides, Professor's orders," Cyclops responds as he, Storm, Jubilee, and Beast stood around him.
"Don't worry Logan, this'll pass, and you won't be craving beer anytime soon!" Jubilee reassures him.
"I beg to differ, with you mentioning beer right now isn't helping, kiddo," Wolverine grumbles.
"Then might I suggest we play some soothing music to ease your mind?" Storm asks.
"Music?!" Wolverine says, as if he didn't want to listen to any right now.
"Ooh, I know! I just bought this new music at the mall! It's a classic song from the 60's!" Jubilee offers, pulling the disk out of her portable CD player.
"Oh god…" Wolverine mutters.
Jubilee places the CD into a mini stereo next to Wolverine's bed and plays it.
"We'll check on you in a half hour, okay?" Cyclops says as he and the others leave the room, shutting the door behind them.
The music started playing.
"Hmm…music's not bad…" Wolverine comments as he moves his head a little to the beat.
Then, the artist started singing.
"Oh show me…the way…to the next…whiskey bar…oh don't ask why…oh don't ask why…
For…if…we don't find…the next whiskey bar…I tell you we must die…I tell you we must die…"
"...You've got to befuckingkidding me…" Wolverine groans.
Thirty Minutes Later…
The X-Men return a half-hour later to check on Wolverine's status.
"You know…I can't shake the feeling that I played the wrong track for Logan before we left out of there…" Jubilee says to the others.
"What makes you think that?" Beast asks, still in his deer form.
The X-Men open the door to Wolverine's bedroom, only to see the entire room destroyed, including the mini stereo, the bed, and a giant wall in the wall with Wolverine's outline through it.
"…I think I can take a wild guess…" Cyclops says, shaking his head in frustration.
Wolverine, who had breached his house-arrest order at the X-Mansion, was now on the loose within the city in search for some beer to calm his nerves.
National Guard Reserve HQ
The jittery and frantic Wolverine wanders throughout the city, eventually wandering into private government property. Climbing over a metal fence, he sneaks across the open grassy property and reaches one of the bunkers where the soldiers slept. Peering through the window, he immediately sees one of the soldiers near the front door with a bottle of beer in his hands.
"That son of a bitch has beer? What the hell makes him more privileged than me!?" Wolverine growls as he starts stomping toward the front door and knocks loudly on it.
"Huh?" Who are you?" the soldier asks after he opens the door.
"Hand that over, bub!" Wolverine threatens to soldier, unleashing his claws as a way of intimidation.
"Oh hell naw!" the soldier yelps as he immediately slams the door. "Ain't no one getting' my cold bottle of-WAAAHHH!"
The soldier's comment was cut short as Wolverine punches a hole through the door and pulls the soldier through it as well, proceeding to pummel the hell out of him.
CRASH!
Unfortunately for Wolverine the bottle flew out of the soldier's hands and broke as it landed on the floor.
Then, the alarm began to sound around the grounds.
"Dammit!" Wolverine says as he books it out of the vicinity and continues his search somewhere else.
City Zoo
Wolverine's search continues into the city zoo.
Leaping over the tall brick wall surrounding the zoo grounds, Wolverine's heightened sense of smell detected a hint of booze nearby. Tracking down the scent like a hound dog, he ends up near the monkey display. Sticking his head through the metal bars, he sees in the corner a small chimpanzee cuddling and caressing a bottle of alcohol.
"Damn prohibitions even got the animals in desperation…" Wolverine mutters as he slices open the cage with his claws and casually makes his way toward the little monkey. "Come on, pal, how about sharing some of that with Uncle Logan, hmm?"he beckons as he stepped ever closer.
Acting quick on impulse, the monkey opens the bottle and chugs down the alcohol in one fell swoop, and then smiles cheesily at Wolverine.
"…You're dead, monkey!"
The next thing that was heard was the monkey screeching for help as it was being roughhoused by Wolverine for that act.
City Park
A while later, Wolverine sat on a park bench within the city park, his head down as he tries to think of another place he could try searching.
"Hey, Claw-Man!" said a voice from down the sidewalk, followed by loud stomping.
It was the Incredible Hulk.
"Oh, hey Banner. What are you doing here?" Wolverine asks with a sigh.
The Hulk flops down on the bench next to Wolverine, which elevated his side upward as the Hulk sat.
"Hulk angry about prohibition. Hulk wants beer like many others," the Hulk said to him.
"You and me both, bub," Wolverine responded. "I'd like to fricassee that damn Senator for putting this stupid law into place…" Wolverine continued.
The Hulk then has an idea.
"Wait! What if we challenge Senator to drink-off. We win: we get beer. We lose, we lose beer for good," the Hulk proposes.
Wolverine looks up at the Hulk.
"That just may be crazy enough to work…! I doubt that point-dexter of a Senator has the ability to out drink me," Wolverine said, with newfound confidence returning to him.
"Yeah! Let's go smash the Senator's stupid law!" The Hulk says.
Both heroes get up and start making their way toward the Senator's home to challenge him for the right to drink again in the city. When they arrive at Senator Kelley's mansion, they knock on the front door and wait for an answer.
"What is it? It's after midnight!" the pajama-wearing Senator Kelly says as he opened the front door.
Wolverine and the Hulk both immediately rush inside, grabbing Senator Kelly along the way, and slamming him down in a chair in his den.
"What the?! What is the meaning of this?" Senator Kelly demands.
"We're here to get back what you've taken from us," Wolverine says coldly to the Senator.
"Yeah! Hulk no like it when you take away beer!" the Hulk follows up.
"It's idiotic people, especially mutants like you that shouldn't consume alcohol! I'm not changing my stance on my prohibition act," the senator tells them.
"We'll see about that, you wimp," Wolverine says to him.
"...What did you call me?" the senator says, eyebrow raised at the threat.
"You heard me you featherweight, I bet you can't consume a sip of alcohol without passing out!" Wolverine tells him.
"You take that back! I can to hold my liquor!" the senator says back to them.
"Prove it!" the Hulk adds.
"Yeah bub. You and me: drinking contest. I win, you end this prohibition crap. You win, and you can keep it," Wolverine offers him.
"Hmm…fine. I'll show you guys not to mess with the higher government authorities," the senator says, accepting his offer. "Meet me in the study in five minutes."
The two agree to the drinking contest. They sit at a table in the study across from each other as the Hulk pours them each a shot glass of the lightest beer around. The senator was the first to drink.
"Bottoms up," Senator Kelly says, quickly downing the alcohol in one gulp. "Hmm…not bad…" he says, smacking his lips.
WHACK!
It didn't take long after drinking it for the senator to collapse onto the ground.
"What happened? Over so soon?" the Hulk asks, leaning over to check on the senator.
"Yep. That bottle of beer you poured us? I spiked it with some drugs while you two weren't looking. He'll be out like a light for a while," Wolverine says to the Hulk with a sneaky grin.
"Where you get drugs from?" Hulk asks with much curiosity.
"Oh, I found some lying around his home. I always knew the crock was a stoner." Wolverine says. "Come on, let's get out of here."
The Next Day…
The next morning, Wolverine returns to the X-Mansion, where he is greeted by all the other X-Men.
"Logan, you got some serious explaining to do. Where were you all night?" Cyclops demands.
"Oh, just taking care of some business. Why you ask?" Wolverine asks, looking innocent.
Cyclops and the others bring Wolverine into Professor Xavier's office, where on his TV was a special broadcast from Senator Kelly from the capital.
"My fellow people…I speak to everyone today to call for an end of the Prohibition Act effective immediately, due to unforeseen circumstances last night. As much as I hate doing this, as a government official I must keep my promises to the people."
"Well what do you know…looks like the man had a change of heart," Wolverine says to them with a satisfied smile.
"Wait Logan, there's more," Storm says, turning Wolverine's attention back to the broadcast.
"On a smaller side note, I am passing a new bill that will freeze all funding and assets of Educational Institutes that cater to mutants until further notice. That is all."
All of the X-Men glare at Wolverine, knowing that he was the one responsible for this.
"Uh…how about a beer to celebrate?" Wolverine says with a cheesy smile.
Next Story: Wolverine Gets It Handed To Him By Juggernaut