Snund
WC: 6,964
Warnings: Some NSFW moments (like one and it's a paragraph) and language but mainly plot driven.
A/N: Okay so this is mostly a sadfic, not very happy at all so no fluff alert. Also It's kind of a story in reverse, starting at on point and going backwards to the beginning. This is all for now, I could continue this and make a happier continuation, (as in go back further) but I'm not sure yet.
*Note page line breaks mean the beginning of a new section and / is just a time break. Though it should be obvious.
Enjoy
HELLO AGAIN
His hands shook as he held the piece of paper before him. The very air in his lungs evaporating as everything took hold. His world crumbling and collapsing into chaos.
This wasn't right. How-How could he do this, after everything, how could he fucking do this? Tears dropped to the page before him, his body nearly convulsing with the weight of his past sitting on his shoulders. Why now, why those words?
The voice of a figure he barely paid attention to rang out in the room, "I'll give you a few moments to yourself." Scott heard the footsteps and brush of robes hitting against the cabinets and chair. The man that had been behind the desk in front of him was gone and he was alone.
Grief couldn't even begin to cover the things he was feeling. He was overwhelmed, he had thought he was past this, was past Snake, was past the grief. Then again, maybe one never really gets over someone after what they had been through, maybe you just live trying to forget. Trying to move on. Maybe, he just hadn't been expecting this at all.
"Fucking Bastard," he said in a breath that didn't sound like him anymore. His voice cracked and he could hear the pain in his own voice. He was scared, and moving on no longer seemed like a viable option. He never even dreamed he would be here, he… was this really that important to him? Was I such a part of his life that he had to do this from beyond the grave? I thought… I wasn't, did he really regret his choice?
A new wave of emotions hit as he realized he would never hear that voice again, that his body was forever entombed within the earth, that somebody that had been-had meant so much just-just didn't exist anymore. That Scott was here in this room and Snake no longer held air in his lungs and was put in the ground like nothing more than a beloved pet. He was worth so much more than that, he wasn't perfect but this wasn't enough, and none of it seemed right. God, just as he thought he'd taken everything in, expelled enough tears, he'd get hit with another wave.
He collapsed into himself no longer able to handle the thoughts that assailed him. The paper that had been sealed in nothing but a plain envelope, was clutched to his chest like a lifeline. He rocked back and forth on the seat, knees hugged to his chest as he just tried to breath and not to think, anything not to think. He had no right to do this, and yet he had, and Scott was at a loss. Thoughts of 'would of,' 'could of,' 'should of,' assailed him, and the guilt ate him alive.
How could he still affect him like this, how could he know how much this meant-would mean, when the fuck did he do this? He must have planned this out, and that hurt so much more. How stupid they had both been, how fucking trivial it all seemed that he was no longer here and this scrap of paper was all he had left. A few words on a piece of paper and they were able to strike him with such searing pain.
He looked down at the paper for what had to be the hundredth time and the effect was still the same. His chest squeezed and stomach pulsed painfully. How much did it say about them that the last words Snake had for him had to be put in his last will and testament.
The note crinkled in his grip, breath shaky and erratic as he stared at the handwritten letters on the tear-stained page.
"Scott, I'm sorry. It will always be you."
He had been at a party when he found out.
His party, his 40th birthday to be more exact. He had thought it was someones idea of a bad joke considering their past, his casual laughter and comment of, 'good riddance,' received in poor taste. It didn't take long for reality to kick in. Even shorter amount of time for him to kick everyone out, this wasn't the way it was supposed to be.
He locked himself away in his loft taking leave from work because he couldn't think about anything important right now, he had trouble thinking anything at all. He called Snake's parents to make sure, he didn't want to believe it was true. He wasn't ready for what this meant, to think about all the things that his death would bring up.
The fact that his call had been unexpected struck a chord with him, like a slap in the face. Snake had been a part of his life, and just because they were, estranged, even though that didn't quite cover it, it certainly didn't mean his death would mean nothing. What kind of person did they think he was? Maybe he didn't want to know.
/
It didn't feel right.
Not that anything was making sense anymore, but there was a weird feel to the world, to everything around him. Rehearsed even. The weather was too blistering hot, the breeze too nice, nothing seemed to fit. It seems to scream, 'hey, this isn't happening, get out of here, go have a good day.' One look around and you would see it for the lie that it was.
The sounds of grief seemed to echo off the trees, the very grass beneath his feet looking battered and morose. He had flown in to his old hometown just to attend. He had never considered not going, but the phone call he received from one of Snake's siblings telling him about the will took the choice it had been away. He had to go. He could tell the call was forced, he hadn't wanted to ever talk to Scott again and the feeling had been mutual. He could almost remember the family cookouts and the times they had crashed on their couch before it all went to hell. He could almost glimpse the life he had had all those years ago.
He'd wish he'd been able to forget all of it.
He arrived late to the service and the viewing. A part of him said it would have been enough to show up at the burial the next day but his feet pushed him out the door anyway, jet lag be damned. It was awkward and no one had dared to say a word to him. He wore a plain tailored dark grey suit and he was sure most of them only recognized him because he stood out so much. His attire made it apparent that they lived their lives worlds apart, and while Scott had not gone out of his way to do this, it was inevitable. He could handle the stares though, he wasn't here for them.
He waited until no one was by the open casket before he went up. He almost hadn't but he felt like this was the only closure he would ever get. If that's what you could call it.
He couldn't breathe. The man lying in what would be his eternal resting place stole his breath away like he had so many years ago. Nothing had changed, and yet nothing would ever quite be the same.
The worst was that Snake looked like he could just have been sleeping. Like the car crash that had taken his life never happened. Those lazy mornings when they had both slept in, curled around one another came to mind; a choked noise escaped from his throat. Never talking to someone again because you cared too much, and never being able to talk to them again because they ceased to live were completely different things. His hands had started to shake as he laid a hand on the chest that was once as familiar as his own, he could no longer hold back the tears or the grief that seemed to slowly rip at him from the inside out.
Snake had always left a hole in him, something that would forever be closed and never be filled. Now it felt like a crater.
He had forgotten he was in public. He had forgotten the world had existed outside of this pain, and this aching, and everything that wasn't a part of this moment. A hand on his shoulder jolted him out of his reverie and he looked into a slightly older but familiar face.
"Cry?"
He nodded in return. "Yeah. Listen I know this is kind of a dick move but we need to get the service started and you being up here is kind of causing a stir."
Jund wiped his face, perfectly masking the emotions he had just let slip. A hard glare towards Cry and the man took his hand away. "Are you saying I can't be here?"
"No, no, of course not. Just-no one understands why you're here. The family is pretty pissed, I get it, kind of, but," Cry reached out another hand towards Scott to steer him away from the casket, but Scott smack it away, eyes hard and face telling him not to push him further.
"I'm not here for them, for you, for anyone other than the man lying in that casket. I don't expect you any anyone else to understand why I came, but if you think just because my presence makes anyone uncomfortable I'm going to fly back home and leave, you have another thing coming."
Cry's face sunk, irritation settling across his face. "It's been ten years Scott, you didn't even know who he was anymore."
Scott who had started to walk away turned back to him, "Go fuck yourself, all of you."
/
Scott left the funeral home, he had seen Snake for the last time, he had done what he came to do. He made it to his hotel parking lot before the tears started falling once more. He felt like such a baby and he knew it was only going to get worse over the next two days. He never dreamed of this happening, he never thought in his life he would be here again surrounded by these people.
Snake had been out of his life for ten years, he had moved on. He'd gotten remarried, he'd adopted kids, he had a whole life Scott knew nothing about. Maybe he shouldn't have come, maybe they were right, but he'd had to say goodbye, he'd needed the closure.
As he made his way up the elevator and to his room, he considered not going to the burial the next day, but he knew he would. He had never forgave Snake, nor was he sure if he ever would. Even after ten years the man was a sore spot, but in the end they had both been to blame. In the end Scott had been the one to leave.
He stripped out of his suit and laid the one he was going to wear tomorrow for the burial. He was out almost as soon as his head hit the pillow.
/
This time the stares had turned into murmurs, he could hear them talking about him being there. He didn't care. He had been sitting in the same spot for almost an hour, no one daring to sit next to him. He could have made things a lot worse, and he was sure the looks he was getting from Cry, and the rest of the people he used to call his friends were a sign that they were expecting him too.
The weather still seemed abnormally nice for a funeral, the birds chirped as if nothing at all was wrong, as if he wasn't questioning if he had made the wrong choice. At the time leaving seemed like the only real option, after what had happened he couldn't imagine staying, of things ever getting better, of being able to fix the gaping hole they had had in their relationship.
People seemed to settle and it looked like the whole damn town was in attendance. Not that that was too surprising, everyone knew everyone on first name basis in the small town and Snake had done a lot for this place. He'd done a lot for everyone, the war hero that he was, nobody knew the scars that one left, no one like Scott did.
Scott felt his hands clench in resentment when he saw who he knew to be Snake's now husband, or rather his widower, standing behind the pastor. After the initial words he stepped aside letting the horrifically familiar blonde husband talk and it grated every one of Scott's nerves. Too much history clouded his judgement, but he relaxed when one of his adopted kids came up to speak, he was only eight, and his younger sister clung to his suit for dear life, tears spilling down both their faces.
He always knew Snake would make a good father, he had just always assumed it was something they'd be doing together. Seeing them now, made the old hurt ache just that much more. He rubbed a spot on his chest like it would actually help but unsurprisingly it didn't, he didn't figure anything would for a while.
The funniest thing about all this to Scott was how much he was reacting to his death. He hadn't seen the man in a decade, had barely thought about him or anyone else from his past. His career kept him busy moving up the economic ladder, he'd dated but nothing serious, he had thought he'd moved on.
The speeches kept going eventually asking if anyone else had anything to say. Scott saw a few eyes swing to him, but he remained seated. He had been tempted and probably would have, but Snake's kids didn't need that, even if everyone else did.
Before he knew it they were lowing his body into the ground and he walked away heading off to gods knows where, he didn't need to listen to everyone else's grief along with his own. He heard his name called and he turned around.
A woman in her late thirties faced him, hair still as red as the pits of hell. "Red."
She looked at him not too unkindly and gave him a sad smile, "I'm sorry about Cry yesterday, he was out of line."
Scott shifted his weight to another foot, "He was." It was awkward having conversations with these people now, there was an air of familiarity that didn't really belong, a history of hurt and pain.
"What are you doing here Scott?"
He sighed. "Not you too."
"I just want to know. I'm not mad or anything, but it has been ten years. No one thought they'd ever see you again, especially Snake when he was," her words faltered, "we were all kind of taken aback at your presence. We didn't think you cared."
"You didn't think I-" he let the words fall off incredulous. He wiped his eyes before the tears that threatened could fall. "Of course I fucking cared, that man was the love of my life, I adored him. Ten years, twenty, nothing could erase those memories, Red. Not all the alcohol or drugs in the world, believe me I tried."
"Okay, okay, I'm sorry," she said putting a comforting hand on his shoulder. "I just, we didn't know. We thought you'd at least come back and see your family, see us."
A hand scratched the back of his head feeling a tad guilty, but still too angry at the accusation to let her see it. "It hurt too much at first, and then when it didn't, it was just easier to stay away. From everyone."
Red just nodded. "Sorry again about Cry. You didn't just leave Snake you know."
"I know."
With that they parted ways. Scott slunk off to a distant part of the cemetery, walking, waiting until everyone left so he could have a moment alone. When he approached the tombstone the sun was setting in the sky, the coolness to the air sneaking past the fabric of his black suit making him shiver.
He felt a little silly standing there, feeling too many things at once to put words to them. He had so much to say, so many last words, last thoughts, last everything. Before, it had been his choice to stay away, now, now he felt stupid for holding onto the hate for so long. Had he known, had he known he's not sure what he would have done. He could lie to himself but in the end, "what if's" were getting him no where.
He just stood there looking at the fresh pile of dirt knowing that decades of history were buried beneath it. He had so much anger about everything still, but he couldn't bring himself to feel it just now, everything sort of melted away when he had seen his lifeless body in that casket.
"Hello again," he said rubbing the back of his neck. The words felt foreign to him, too real, too much like words he'd wish he'd said while he was alive.
"I'm sorry I was such an idiot, but you already knew that," he said scuffing the grass with his foot. "You always used to call me stubborn to a fault, I guess you never really understood how true those words were until I was gone."
He could feel the tears already on the brim of his eyes but he tried to force them back. He needed to say this. "God I miss you right now. I never thought I would, not after I got over you, or at least I thought I had. In the end I think I just numbed myself from it all, from everything. So much drugs and alcohol can do that to you. But I do, I miss you, I miss your smile, and your laugh. I even miss the not so good things, because at least you were there, and you were mine, and you were alive."
He sniffed unable to keep the memories back, the overwhelming feelings that had been swamping him since he found out. "Sometimes I wonder if you ever came after me, tried to find me at all. I know it's not like I left a map behind, I hadn't wanted to be found, but I think a part of me had always hoped you'd end up back on my doorstep." He sighed letting the wind dry some of his tears on his face. "I think that's a bit selfish, I know it is, but I always had unrealistic expectations of you. You were the guy that could do no wrong, until you did, and boy fucking hell did you."
Silence fell then, the topic bringing an unpleasant taste to his mouth. "I forgive you, you know." He breathed out hard feeling a little bit of relief as he said it, a weight he had been holding subconsciously all these years lifted. "It took a long time, years, but I do forgive you. I think a lot about what we could have done differently, especially the few days afterwards, but in the end I think we were just too young and dumb to know to to react otherwise."
Scott's eyes welled once more, "I'm so fucking sorry Snake. I'm sorry I wasn't a better person, and I'm sorry nothing worked out like we thought it would, I hope you forgave me, I hope you can if you never did."
He patted the tombstone before he walked off.
"Rest well."
He'd forgotten his keys.
It always starts as something as simple as that doesn't it? In all the stories you hear it's always something like, 'got off work early,' 'school was canceled,' 'accident on the highway.' He had left early that day, Snake and him had been on edge for months, and he had just wanted the privacy and peace that driving to work could bring him.
He didn't realize he'd left his work keys at home until he was almost there. He turned around to drive the 15 minutes back home but when he saw that familiar car in the driveway he knew.
It didn't make any rational sense how he knew, it could have been there for numerous reasons. It's not like it was too unusual to see it parked there, but his gut knotted and that panicky fear pulled at every nerve telling him what he didn't want to know, didn't want to believe.
His hands squeezed the steering wheel as he parked across the street. God, how he didn't want it to be true, but he had to find out, he had to know for sure. Maybe he was just the paranoid husband, maybe it was the distance that had slipped between the two men after Snake got his honorable discharge and Purple Heart. It could have been anything, but everything together, and the thoughts that he may have been subconsciously pushing back bloomed in full.
He got out of the car, apprehension rising with each step as he walked around the the deck entrance. It was the worst idea he's ever made. Knowing was one thing, but seeing was another entirely. He could hear them before he even rounded the corner, soft and loud noises mixing together, while bile rose up Scott's throat.
The sliding glass door was closed but did nothing to conceal what he saw, what he could never erase from his mind. Splayed on his dining room table an all too familiar body, a look of unadulterated pleasure cast on the same face he woke up to every morning. His body arched, hips bucking up into the greedy mouth that devoured him, hands pulling and guiding blonde hair to set the pace he liked.
Scott couldn't move, tears fell down his face as he watch Snake come undone beneath the man he'd come to know as Snake's best friend and comrade in arms. A choked painful sound he never meant to escape did as he saw Snake pull the blonde man in for a deep kiss, both their heads snapping simultaneously his way.
Jund barely registered their shocked and mortified faces before his body reacted. His feet bolted and he ran, flight beating fight in the instantaneous response to adrenaline. He heard Snake's voice calling for him, but he never even slowed down. His car left behind forgotten, because Scott didn't have time to think, he didn't want to ever think again.
His feet kept going, running until he couldn't anymore. He would have gone further, he wanted to; he wanted to outrun the images that swarmed his head, the feelings that threatened to overwhelm him. He wanted anything to go back in time and not have seen that, anything for Snake not to make him feel like he was rotting from the inside out.
His hands rested on his knees, breath coming in labored and winded. Scott had no idea where he was, unfamiliar houses surrounded him on either side, the sidewalk littered with childrens chalk drawings and abandoned hopscotch games. He held his phone in his hand swiping the screen and typing in the keycode with even acknowledging the numerous missed calls and text message notifications that littered the screen.
Cry picked up on the first ring. "Dude where the fuck are you, we've been looking for hours?"
"I'm sorry," were the first words out of his mouth. He had planned on asking for a ride but what came out was a cracked, "Why? Why do you think he did it, was it me?"
"What are you talking about Scott, Snake just called and said you ran off after a fight. He sounded worried."
The chuckle that came next was pained and humorless. "A fight, a fucking fight, are you kidding me?" Guilt and grief turned to boiling anger and resentment in seconds, fuck that smug bastard. "I fucking caught him cheating on me Cry. Getting sucked off on our god damned dining room table like a cheap whore. Fuck him, just fuck him." His voice broke again as the feeling of his heart being ripped out of his chest had him falling to his knees.
Silence met him on the other end of the line and he had worried for a moment Cry had hung up. "Jesus Scott, I-I'm sorry I didn't know. I-Just-where are you, I'll come and pick you up, you can stay with me for a few days if you like."
Jund eventually made it to his feet giving Cry a street name and house number of his rough location. He sat on the curb waiting for him, nothing else to do but wait, his brain torturing him with thoughts he'd much rather forget.
The car ride was consumed with awkward silences and reassurances that indeed he was okay. Okay as he could be in any case. His physical body held no signs of being worse for wear, but emotionally, he wasn't sure anymore. He was wrecked and torn apart, his stomach in a constant state of of unease, nausea threatening to erupt every other second. He needed to rest, he needed time, he needed not to exist, not to feel.
"Stop at the liquor store before we head to your place," he said not bothering to look at Cry.
He heard Cry swallow hard bordering on not saying the next few words. "Are you sure that's a good idea?'
Scott just turned his bloodshot gaze to the man beside him, he didn't need words to say that he needed this, he could feel it all written on his face. He barely registered Cry's sad nod before he leaned his head against the window once more.
/
The last thing he remembered was a bottle of whisky in his hands and Cry sitting next to him while a movie played in the background, his thoughts were chaos, he drank to forget.
It didn't work.
He woke with a terrible hangover but it matched how the rest of him felt, he couldn't bring himself to care. He'd cried until he could anymore, he'd struggled to scrub out the images that had implanted in his brain. He had thought he was enough, being wrong never hurt so much.
He knew he had to go home today, had to face Snake, had to figure everything out. He didn't know what he wanted to do, should they work it out, should he leave? He somehow felt it was his fault, as if he was the one that pushed Snake's dick into another man's mouth. He knew he was being ridiculous, but it was easier to believe he fucked up then believe Snake just didn't want him anymore, that he had hurt him so willingly.
He'd already called off work, he had some vacation time saved up, plans for that trip they had been planning all going out the window in a single morning. He aimlessly drew patterns on the couch cushion next to him, watching the pattern go from light to dark depending on which way you slid your hand against its fabric. How does one going about confronting a significant other, he'd much rather just disappear, he didn't need answers, he just wanted the world to swallow him whole.
Cry walked in with coffee for which Scott was eternally grateful. He'd been a good host, a good friend. A cleared throat had him looking into the face of his blue eyed friend.
"So Snake called. He said he'll be at the house whenever you're ready to come home."
Jund remained silent, his eyes moving to the empty television screen.
"If you want though," Cry continued after a beat, "I can go get some of your things and you can stay here, or I can go with you. Whatever you need man."
Scott let a downcast smile grace his lips at the offer. He sniffed and took a deep breath willing the tears to evaporate before they could fall. He'd been too emotional as it was, he hated it. "Thanks."
They drove over a few hours later. Jund knew he'd never be ready, so after his coffee they headed over. He wouldn't be able to stay the night, not at first. Cry stayed in the car as he got out closing the door behind him and walking towards his house, although it didn't really feel like home anymore. Even the air he breathed in felt tainted in some way, everything leaving a bitter taste in his mouth. He waved to Cry letting him know he was okay and that he'd call when he was ready to be picked up again. He doubted this would be anything but quick and easy.
The door opened before he even reached it and there stood the man that made his heart ache with too much hurt. He looked away and toward the ground as he walked over the threshold waiting to hear the click of the door being shut behind him.
He felt a hand on his shoulder and flinched back like he'd been hit. Anger welled inside of him, everything twisting in conflicting emotions that he didn't quite know how to organize. "Don't. You don't get to touch me, you don't get to feel better."
He shifted his feet before walking over and sitting on the smaller of the two couches in the living room. He watched as the hurt and guilt etched themselves onto the face of his husband but just nodded for Snake to sit adjacent him on the larger couch. He could feel the tension, thick and stuffy, words unsaid filling the invisible space between them.
"Scott," Snake started and he ground his teeth. The rough voice that once had the ability to calm him grating to his ears like nails on a chalkboard. "I don't even know what to say, I-I mean you fucking saw… you know, I don't know what I could possibly say to fix this. I don't have any defense, I'm sorry, I really am."
Something in the way he said it made his brain nitpick at the words. That feeling he had yesterday of walking into something he already knew hit him once again. "Sorry? Sorry you got caught, sorry I found out like that, sorry you fucking cheated on me, sorry you didn't leave me sooner? Please enlighten me, please tell me what I need to know. I saw enough to emotionally scar me and whatever this," he said motioning to the two of them, "is anymore. I don't know what this means, I don't know how to react, so please, tell me."
He watched as Snake slid his hands down his face taking in a deep breath. And for the second time in two days, he just knew. He felt the first tear fall on his hand and looked away, fuck everything.
"I don't know. I'm such a piece of shit I know, you don't need to tell me. I-I love you Scott, I do, I just don't know if it's just you anymore. I don't know what I feel. I don't want to lose you I know that. And him, he understands what you can't, he was there. He-"
"Shut. Up. Please just shut up."
Scott tilted his head up towards the ceiling and leaned back against the cushions. Fuck him, fuck everything he's ever said, how can he do this, why? He closed his eyes and just concentrated on breathing, his life was crumbling around him, he could practically taste the water he was about to drown in. Sink or swim?
"How long?" he asked.
"How long?"
He sighed but didn't make to move or look at him. "How long have you been fucking old faithful behind my back?"
Jund could practically see the flinch the verbal bomb caused but no answer came.
"That long then?"
Silence once more.
"Go fuck yourself. I'm the one that had to see my husband splayed out like dessert for another man. The least, the very fucking least you could do was be honest. I have to not only live with knowing but actually seeing. I'm the bloody victim here, so don't try to save me any more "pain." You are far too late for that train."
"About a year."
"A year," he repeated letting everything good that had happened in that year slip away with the words. In that moment he hated him, hated everything he ever said, every touch he ever gave, every lying kiss, and tender moment. He wanted to watch the world burn and Snake would be the starting flame, but no, Scott was not that guy, Scott didn't hate him quite enough. Or maybe he hated him too much, every line sort of blurred with the stunning reality that a whole year of his life had been a lie.
"Do you love him?"
"Scott-"
"Don't. Now answer me, do you love him?"
"Yes."
He nodded to himself as if confirming something as simple as a grocery list. He had already known, they always know. He forgave a lot, looked over a lot of things, and he could see it all so clearly now, so perfectly crystal clear he wondered why he chose to be so blind.
"How many times? Or wait, maybe a better question is how often?" Scott knew he was only hurting himself, but not only did he need to know, he wanted to hurt Snake a little with each confession. Make him see what he was doing, what he had done.
He heard Snake make some kind of sound in the back of his throat but tried not to picture what he was doing. "At first it was as little as once a month. Now, every other week, sometimes more."
That one took a blow. He could feel each throb of pain from his heart, each uncomfortable pain in his stomach at the thought of them together. They fucked more than he and Snake had, what the fuck was wrong with him? He could see hands that weren't his touching him, caressing him, Snake's hands on the blonde as they fucked. He shook his head sitting up and staring at the floor. He couldn't think about these things, he could felt sick as the panic in his chest tried to tear its way out.
"Scott please look at me."
His eye tore away from the floor to level him with a glare. That face he loved so much, now he could only remember how it was contorted with pleasure only hours before. He looked back at the ground between his feet. "I can't. I can't stop seeing it, seeing you with him. Looking at you, I only feel disgust."
"I deserved that."
Scott snapped at him. "You deserve so much worse!"
"I know," said the defeated from on the other couch.
Jund hugged his knees to his chest, eye open just averted from the other man. "Do you, do you really? How would you feel, think about it. How the fuck would you feel If you came home to see what I had? To find out I'd been fucking, let's say Cry, for the last year?"
Snake opened and then closed his mouth again. Silenced stretched, Scott giving him time for an appropriate and hopefully honest response.
"I'd have killed you both. I-I have no right to even ask for your forgiveness."
"Forgiveness?" Scott almost laughed. "You wanna talk forgiveness, Snake I'll never forgive you for this, never. I'm not even sure I want this anymore, I don't know if we can fix this even if I wanted to."
Snake's eyes widened as if he never considered not working it out was even a possibility.
Scott let his gaze drift to his significant other. "You fell in love and cheated on me with your best friend, what did you think would happen? That I'd fall over in bed so you could fuck us both? Fuck off Snake. I could maybe deal with you fucking him, maybe, but you went and fell in love with him too."
Jund had stood up and was not pacing behind the larger couch where Snake still sat. Too much knowledge had been dumped on him, he was hurt, and he had so much anger bottled up within him, he didn't even know where to start to sort everything out. The fact that this could actually be over, a silent fact in a loud room of thoughts.
He looked over to see Snake resting with his head in his hands and elbows on his knees. He was crying. Scott could only manage the fleeting thought of good. He wanted to care, but he couldn't, he had been betrayed, stabbed in the back and if anything he couldn't care less what Snake's reactions were.
"How the fuck did this start?" he asked. He rubbed at his forehead trying to think back. "Was is the leg? When I look back I really noticed the change when you got the prosthetic, and it wasn't just normal stuff, it was so much more, but I kept pushing the thoughts away, I acted like I didn't see it." He looked at Snake who was looking at him once more, "Please tell if I was just being ridiculous, I just, I need to know."
Snake looked down again. "You're not ridiculous."
"I didn't think so." He leaned against the wall trying to think about time. "Wait, that means this was going on longer than a year. You guys had a thing long before you started sleeping together. Didn't you?"
He watch as the other man nodded grievously. "We. At least I tried to deny it for the longest time. I didn't want to admit it, I didn't want to want him."
"Well aren't you just the little champion for holding out so long."
Snake frowned. "I didn't mean it like that. It's just. Can I try to explain something? It's not gonna matter in the end, it's not an excuse but it's the only 'why' I have."
Jund just nodded sliding to the floor arms resting along the tops of his knees.
"It's no reason at all really. Not with our history, mine and yours I mean. I should never have let the small crush get that far. It's a tired excuse, but we were on the front line, forced to cover one another backs, to the death if it came down to it. We had grown close, my best friend among the men I was serving with. When it happened, I knew lying there that I was done for, my leg was blown off and I was barely conscious. He somehow found me though, drug me back even though he had wounds of his own."
He looked up trying to convey the truth is what he said. "I think it all really started there. If we skip a few months to when we got back here we get the beginnings of the denial. I got to see you again, but I wasn't whole anymore, I didn't see me as the man I that had been. You did, but I couldn't believe it, I refused to. Well you remember how hard a time I had, the fights, the stupid arguments all because I had issues and had to learn to use the prosthetic, I was a mess."
Scott cut in, "But HE was there, and he was able to help, build you up in a way that only he could, because he was there. He had seen and served with you and saved your life. How could you ever come home and expect me to compete with that?"
"I hadn't been sure until he kissed me."
The younger of the two just nodded trying to from this picture in his mind that it wasn't his fault, and it wasn't, but somehow he still felt like he could have done more. Prevented this somehow. He needed to go, he had to get out of here, this had all been too much and one person could only handle so much of their world crushed in one day.
He stood and walked to their bedroom, he could hear Snake following behind him but he ignored the bigger man. He sent a text to Cry noting that it somehow was already 7:33pm and grabbed a suitcase before starting to pack.
"I'm going to Cry's," was all he said.
"Okay," was the response.
When he was done collecting everything he needed and then some he turned to face Snake, waiting on Cry to show, it shouldn't have been too much longer. "You once said when we were still dating that you knew I was the one, and when I questioned you, you said it would always be me. Do you remember?"
He watched as Snake thought back before nodding that he did.
"Do you still feel that way or... "
He could tell the older brunet hadn't wanted to answer. "I really don't know Scott. I don't know how I feel. I'm just as confused to you, do we stay, do we not, tell me what you want."
Jund heard the horn to signal Cry's arrival. He walked to the door his hands once again trying to wipe away tears that had fallen at the new admissions. He looked up at Snake and yet again, he just knew. "I'll let you know," he said before pulling his husband in for a bruising and emotionally charged kiss.
He wonders later as he's boarding a flight for New York if Snake could feel that it would be the last.