A/N: This is a series of mostly short letters written for amusement and addressing all the things in skyrim and oblivion that made me giggle because they were either not meant to happen or just struck me as ridiculous, along with some added situations that are not in the game but amused me none the less. Not to be taken seriously as you might have guessed and if you are against fourth wall breaking then these are probably not for you.
Dear cowardly dragon,
I know you were likely frightened, your heart thudding at the realization that the world eater's conqueror had set his eyes upon you and had already loosed many an arrow in your general direction before readying a shout that no dragon ever wants to experience. I understand… really I do, however, you might consider these things are likely to happen when you land in front of him, devour his horse, knock his companion off of the cliff side and set fire to his eyebrows. Which I'll have you know have yet to grow back, and I have a sneaking feeling that people are beginning to suspect that the soot smudges I've used as substitutions are in fact not really my eyebrows.
Anyway yes, yes, I am aware that you are a dragon, I get it, it is not your fault that you can't speak without lighting something on fire or smashing it to pieces. All I'm saying is that you can't be surprised when these actions you seem to take such pleasure in performing, get a less than chipper reaction from well frankly everyone you come across. And can you really say that flying off into outer space with your wings covering your face in the oddest fashion… seriously doesn't that hurt at all to do that? That couldn't have been comfortable… I could see your bone sticking through the membrane… Anyway… can you say that was the better choice?
I mean yes, it was true that I was going to jump atop your head with a sharp pointy thing and then proceed to stab you in the face with said sharp pointy thing until you shut up and well… ceased to be alive. All in the hopes that upon your death I could suck your soul out of you and maybe learn a word of your language in the process. However, I am hard pressed to see how flying directly into the sun makes for a better demise. You're a dragon after all, it's not as if you need to work on your tan or something. And even if that were the case, you soaked up enough rays in those first few seconds to last several lifetimes. One would think the sunburn alone would make one long to be stabbed repeatedly in the face instead.
But I digress, all in all I hope you're pleased with yourself. Robbing me of my prize and my means of transportation so I had to ride all the way back to Solitude on my companion's shoulders. All while listening to her endless whining about burdens and broken bones from falling halfway down a mountain. I hope you find outer space to be incredibly dull and completely devoid of conversation, air, and aloe vera.
Yours truly,
The Dragonborn.
P.s. I plundered that chest you were guarding, what on nirn were you doing with four potions of ultimate stamina and the latest copy of "The Sultry Argonian Bard"?