A/N: This may be a trigger, it's something I wanted to explore. It doesn't involve Naomi for once because this is so OOC for her IMO. I know it's fan fiction but even I can't see her dealing with this.

The first time he put his hands on me I didn't know how to react, well I did. I tried to fight him back, laid hands, and pushed him off of me in anger. He looked taken aback by his actions as he pulled me into a hug whispering that he was sorry. The second time he hit me, I saw it coming, I saw his anger boiling as I argued with him about our situation. We physically fought and I let him take me on the floor afterwards. The third time he hit me I didn't fight and welcomed the abuse, it was freeing to my soul, it was cleansing me of my sins, it was my punishment. I deserved it for all that I do and kept doing, the bad choices that led me into this hotel month.

This time was no different, I felt him spreading my legs as he entered me and it was something surreal and I felt a bright light come over me. He was cleansing me with every thrust.

"I'm going to come inside you and there's nothing you can do about it because you love it don't you? You love the filth of this dirty hotel and your blood marring my skin, don't you?" He yelled out at me as the spit flew out his mouth hitting my face.

I couldn't even speak as I was in another world, a world where I was free from my actions, free from my decisions, free from the abuse that I loved.

"Answer me bitch!" Another slap to my face as I almost smiled.

"Yes, sir. I love everything you do to me."

The man above me smiled as he gave a final thrust while coating me with his semen. It was like a flood, a flood of him that brought me back to myself.

The air was always different when our fornication was finished, it was never the same. The gentle kiss to my forehead was a contrast to it as he slid out of me.

"You, uh… You go take a shower." My partner was always considerate afterwards, however never before as I tried to right my tattered clothes. There was something ethereal about seeing the redness of the blood against my white tank top.

His hands gently helped me off the floor as he rubbed his long beard. "I'm sorry." He mumbled out. It was always the same "I'm sorry." It never changed and I always smiled and patted his cheek, letting him know it was okay.

"I deserve it and more." I whispered as I walk into the shower.

I turned around as I looked at him place his head in his hands. He always felt turmoil and conflicted with his actions but I was okay being that person for him, allowing him to take his anger on me; it's better me than her.

I don't know why I took flaming hot showers after each of our sessions, it was an extra cleansing, a ritual, it started after the first smack and continued as tonight was hit number forty-eight. That was my favorite number so I had a feeling tonight was going to be special. I don't know how long I was in the shower but the hot water was gone and I couldn't even tell as I kept washing myself over and over again.

"Come out." He commanded.

He always had to tell me to get out the shower, as I stated it was our ritual. I obeyed his command as always, I don't disobey him. I'm a servant in his world of minions.

I walked out the bathroom with a towel wrapped around him as he stood there handing me some fresh clothes. "Let me dress your wounds." He sighed as he felt tired and I panicked. My eyes immediately got big as I grabbed the clothes.

"No, no, you don't have to do that! I can, just I can do it myself." I was so afraid he was going to call it off. I couldn't allow him to see my weakness, he was my salvation once a month. My salvation as well as my judge and savior, I couldn't go without him.

"Calm down. I'm not leaving you. I need this just as much as you."

I finally breathed at his words as I sat on the edge of the soiled bed. I didn't want to think of how many people were in this room before us or maybe I did. I hope it was another girl like me out there, another one that couldn't move on past her choices and sought out abuse.

I watched his eyes as he tenderly touched my bruise lips and cheek and for the first time I saw the tears in his eyes. No, please don't cry, don't make me leave.

"I can't keep doing this."

"No. No. Please."

"This isn't healthy. You let me…" He put the cotton ball against my skin and I learned a long time ago to not flinch. I couldn't enjoy the tenderness of the moment. "You let me do what I want to you and I know you deserve better."

"It's okay." I tried speaking as he touched my cheek too gently, it was making me fall in love with him again.

"This is not okay, not okay at all." His accent always came through when he spoke soft and it was a medley in my ears. A medley he was trying to take away from me.

"Bray…"

"Don't."

"Please don't stop seeing me. I promise I'll do better."

"You allow me to beat you once a month, allow me to enter your body and do what I want with it. I am your God in your eyes and I'm not at the same time. You fear me yet can't get enough of me. I have bruises on my soul just as you but I can't keep doing this anymore."

"What can I do? I would die if you left me." Why was I so weak? I couldn't let him take this away from me. It was all I had, it was my cleansing, my punishment, he couldn't do this to me.

"You will live when I walk out that door."

Bray put the antiseptic down and I quickly covered my nude body with the clothes he gave me. I was angry, I was hurt, how dare he reject me after all this.

"I will die and you will be to blame. How would you feel, would you be happy? I'm no longer in your life. Walk out the door Bray. Leave me like usual, goodbye."

I feigned anger when inside I was dying, I was tired just as he was and this is what it came down to. He touched my cheek and kissed my head again.

"I will never be fully happy if you aren't there."

"So why are you leaving me?"

"I'm going to break you. I AM breaking you. You are a shadow of the women I once met, it's been forty eight times already, forty eight."

"You're leaving me." I half-smiled because I knew it was over. "Goodbye."

"You will find someone that can give you the love I can't, you will be able to live again once I walk out. I'm granting you freedom."

I just smiled as I nodded at him. "Thank you:" I could hide my emotions like no other, the goodbye and sudden change of heart reminded me of that.

Bray stood looking at me as he seemed to be scared to walk out, this was a new feeling, he was afraid of walking out for once.

"I love you." Bray took his hat as he walked out the door and all I could do is smile. I've been wanting to hear those words for so long and after forty eight times of me not feeling worthwhile he finally gave me what I needed.

The razor was hidden in my purse, I kept it on me at all times being a single woman living in the Midwest. I slowly took it to my wrist as I finally felt release. The number forty eight was still my favorite number, the light was leaving my eyes and the guilt was finally dying.

A/N: This was something stuck in my head and I can't explain why. I want to explore Bray some more because I think he's such an intricate man. It may have seemed all over but in my head it was a coherent thought. I am working on Infinity at the moment as well.