A letter to none.
It's been two months. Two months yesterday. I never noticed it before. Surely I should be over this by now, why haven't I moved on? I sometimes think I have, have days when I don't think about him at all but then I see his empty chair round the table or his shoes under my bed.
I don't want to forget him, I just want to remember him without it feeling like being punched in the stomach. In fact it scares me sometimes how okay people are. They seemed to have forgotten he was even in their lives. Arthur and Gwen are getting married and everyone is more than convinced that merlin and Gawain have something going on. They were all sad at the funeral- of course they were, one of their close friends had just died. The first funeral I mean the real one. When my lance died, not that empty shell that someone had created in his image. It may have fooled everyone else. But I knew him. And that was not him.
Everyone seems so okay. Why can't I be? I just wish he was here.
Gwen cried at his funeral. Didn't she see what she was doing to Arthur? I wasn't even allowed to seat with him because she was there. Oh how she moaned. For all about an hour then it wasn't like he didn't mean anything.
I don't want to let him go.
I suppose it would have been easier if there was someone else. If I had a girl to be with but it wasn't like that. It was me and him. Al those years, in the forests and then they take him.
I have tried that you know. Dating. Courting. Even just sex but nothing. Now, I'm not saying that it has killed my sex drive that would be a bit weird. I'm just saying that's it doesn't help.
Sometimes when were out, hunting or….whatever, and everyone's chatting and laughing, someone teases Gawaine and he will protest but then he will look at merlin and he will smile and then he won't care. I feel outside. Lance would have been there and I would have felt like I'm part of something. I did for the first time. But since he went, I just.
Why am I writing this? Even probably doesn't even make sense. Nothing dose anymore. Everyone's so blind to what's missing. What I'm feeling. They don't care. I just hope this helps get it out of my system.
Why can't I just have fond memories of him and go on. Why can't I live? I'm not living, I'm just surviving. I'm only eating when I almost pass out from hunger and I drink way too much. I even sleep in his shirt sometimes. Nobodies notice, even if it is way too small.
His name is forever the name on my lips.
Please someone help me sort this out?