Disclaimer

I do not own any rights to the Suzumiya Haruhi series, nor do I claim to. I'm just borrowing the characters for a while.

The lovesickness of Kyonko

The rain spewing out from the sky was rather depressing. Haruki seemed to be playing off of this as his melancholic mood resurfaced. I don't think it was ever truly gone, it was just kept in check by the happiness he had experienced in the time the SOS Dan has been together. That being said he was never happy he was just contempt with the situation.

Sometime back Asakura Ryou—before he tired to kill me—said that maybe he was suffering from love sickness. It may have been true, but really could someone like him feel love sickness? I mean I know I could, but I'm normal could as Itsuko calls him "god" really suffer from love sickness?

If he could then maybe we'd have something in common, but as it is now I don't have anything in common with him. He's haughty, I"m laid back. We're the antithesis of one another and only bound together by Haruki's lack of common sense. It's annoying what I've had to put up with, and what I've done.

Yuuki's always so quiet, and kept to himself as before. Itsuko is still Itsuko, and Mitsuuru hasn't changed. Everything has remained the same as when it started, and at this pace it seems that it always will. It's about time something changes isn't it? My rudimentary life has overall remained the same. I may be scarred for life though. With what I've seen, and what I've had to portray.

I guess it's all part of life even though life lately has got me down.

Chapter 1—Envy

I hurried to the clubroom the rain outside was pushing me into a melancholy. The same sorrowful rain that didn't want to cease it's torture on me. What had I done to anger the sky? Is it even possible for the sky to be angry? These question don't need answer but people nonetheless waste their time analyzing such useless things.

The old school building didn't muffle the sound of the rain pounding in to. I hadn't brought an umbrella today to make things worse. During class I had hoped it would cease by the time I left for the clubroom, but it hadn't so now I hoped it would stop before I had to head home. Humans are like that if we don't see things as possible we give up without even trying. In the case of rain, yeah it's pretty impossible to make it stop, but with other things you can at least try. Haruki isn't bound by common law he sees anything as possible. He still has the imagination of a child a wonderful thing to keep.

I entered the clubroom Mitsuuru wasn't inside changing into his butler outfit. I had beat him here since I had to do some changing too. My outfit was a short apron dress. I had grown accustom to wearing it already. Haruki has never complimented me. He's too cold to do that all he will ever do is look at Itsuko when she cosplays, and tell her how great she looks. Why does she look better than me! It ticked me off as I locked the door.

I undid my ribbon, and proceeded to undress—my flat chest isn't even something anyone would want to look at though—once I had taken off my uniform I started to put on the apron dress, it was a simple black and white design with lace, first came the black knee-length socks, followed by the shoes, the shoes are black with a simple ribbon on the front, finally I placed the headdress on my my head.

I honestly thought I looked okay but I had never been assured of that fact—Haruki is ignorant to it all. Like most people are ignorant to the most obvious things in anime. It really annoying you want the two characters to end up together but they'll go through the entire show and never realize each others' feelings. Guys have never had much interest in me to begin with I guess so why would someone dedicated to finding a alien bride have much interest in me?

Still it's annoying I think to not have anyone to tell if you look good or not. Maybe I'm foolish thinking the way I think. Why do I think about him so much? Everything is about him dammit!

I unlocked the door, the click of it unlocking reached my ears. Nobody was here yet, I had hurried to get here as to not arrive in the middle of one of Mitsuuru's stripteases. He can't seem to lock the door—I don't want to peep at him, I rather see Haruki's bare body. I'd rather see him in a swimsuit again—his built body. My brain wandered in an unwanted direction again how had it all gone back to Haruki?

I guess I'm just a normal schoolgirl. Nothing special about me, an absolute zero, nothing at all. A flat chest—I'm not as tall as Itsuko or have glimmering white teeth. She has everything I can't stand her. She looked good in the bunny suit, while I...I thought I looked okay but compared with her it wasn't even a match. Everyone is so cruel, guys have always treated me like I don't matter though—nothing different with Haruki—I should've gotten used to it by now, but I am just a schoolgirl.

I moved to to a chair as I held back tears for some reason. I don't know why I was holding them back. When had I begun to act this way? It's like finding out your not as skinny as you thought—you're actually fat. Haruki was Haruki, sure I kissed him, but that didn't count. When had I started to love him so much? He treated me badly, and acted as if my opinion didn't count—he hadn't ever been sincere with me. It was bluntness—he'd tell me how my hair was mess, he told when I first talked to him how I was a waste of time. I don't think we ever had an actual connection between us. As time passed the gap between us didn't seem to shirk it grew. Everything we had done together didn't matter. He was still Haruki, and I was simply Kyonko. A girl who never had a say in what was to be done. I was his gopher—Itsuko said I was the one chosen by Haruki, but I don't feel like it—his tool.

I laid my hands on the table and used them as a cushion for my face as I cried. It was pitiful why was I crying for such a sleazebag? He didn't deserve to have a girl crying over him.

Yuuki walked in he didn't say a word or even announce his presence—his steps were those of a ninja or had he even stepped? He found his spot in the corner—I wish I was able to be alone like him instead of desiring to be with someone—he opened a book, and began reading as usual. The ever so reliable alien didn't seem to care if I was crying, or did he just not know what to say. I'm sure he knew why I was crying—nothing ever gets through him.

I tried to stop but couldn't the tears kept coming out making it clear how much I truly wanted to be with Haruki. How I wanted to kiss him again—even if only for a second it'd be better than nothing. His soft lips being entrapped by mine as I closed my eyes and found my heaven. My mind started to wander again, and I fantasied about kissing him. It seemed to help as I stopped crying—I realized how pitiful I really was. He was oblivious to how I felt, and if he felt the same way before it seemed to be gone. Had I not acted quick enough? Can't I have second chance? Where's the reset button here? I want things to revert to how they were before I felt this way, maybe I could stop myself from falling for him.

I wiped away the remaining tears, and swallowed my feelings hoping they'd be digested.

Itsuko walked in a few minutes later. Her simple presence pissed me off—this girl just got on my nerves. Her perfect everything was so irritating, how could she be so perfect—was it plastic surgery!? Was she a doll—or an esper! She even had that—if Haruki knew that he'd take her as his bride in seconds. As I'd be left to cry to myself for not acting. Her peppy breasts. Her fully developed figure dammit! What do I have?

Nothing.....

I didn't want to talk to her—half of me wished she was dead the other half cursed me for how malicious I was.

"Do you want to play chess?" She said in a cheery voice.

"Sure." I muttered.

If I destroyed her in a board game I'd be satisfied if only for a little bit. She started to set up the pieces.

"Asahina-san isn't coming today."

"Really," I said uncaring about him. He had lost his appeal long ago—how could I want a man that wasn't even really man.

"Yeah he had other things to attend to today."

Did I really have to talk back wouldn't my silence serve as enough? I didn't want to talk to Itsuko about anything I just wanted to destroy her at chess. Haruki walked in my eyes traced him as he went to his seat. He was in a melancholic mood. I don't blame him, the rain is so annoying, sure it's necessary but still I hate it, rain makes me feel bad too.

"Hi" I said to him. I didn't get a response as he dragged his body to the commanders chair.

Haruki booted up the computer, paying no attention to me. With Asahina gone I went to brew tea instead. I gave Haruki some when it was done he just swiped it out of my hand without so much as a thank you. Then I gave some to Yuuki finally I brought some to the table for Itsuko and me. Even if I detested her I wasn't going to show it. She had setup the board already. I sat down to play—my goal was total conquest.

Time passed, as I became aggravated she was beating me—actually beating me. I wasn't going to go down that easily dammit—I couldn't lose to her. She was beating me badly.

"Check." she announced.

I made a move then she did.

"Check."

Again.

"Checkmate." She said with a irritating gleaming smile.

I had lost—everything was lost—she beat me at everything. I had always been able to win beforehand, and I lost the one time I actually wanted to win. Anger swelled inside of me. I tossed the board aside as I stood up. The pieces fell in a scramble with a rhythmic sound of one after the other hitting the floor. Everyone was looking at me, even Haruki—at least he looked....

"EVERYONE GET OUT! I'M CHANGING!"

I yelled, steamed. I should've known something like this was going to happen—I just can't seem to win. Slowly and wordlessly they left the room. I tried to calm down by breathing deeply—it didn't seem to help I grew angrier. I threw off the dress, and changed into my uniform, in a haste. After grabbing my bag I opened the door, and ran by them as I exited the school. Haruki better not think badly of me, it's his fault anyway!

At the shoe lockers I threw off my indoor shoes, and changed into my outdoor shoes. I ran in the rain crying at the same time—Itsuko didn't lose to the rain on the hate scale albeit. When I got home I was soaked—my parents got mad that I had forgotten my umbrella. After throwing my uniform in the washing machine I took a shower in steaming water. It was not relaxing at all—Haruki was on my mind the entire time, and I started to sob—soon I was bawling. My parents didn't hear me somehow—I'm glad they didn't. What would they think—I wouldn't be able to tell them the real reason I was crying—they'd probably think I was depressed in the end. None of that would be good.

After the melancholic shower I changed into my pajamas—deciding I was going to sleep. I couldn't think of anything else to do—watching television wasn't possible my mind would wander anyway. My parents made me eat—I tired to fake a smile—the food was okay, but for some reason lacked flavor. Everything had downgraded—food wasn't good, a shower made me cry instead of making me happy—nothing was the same. My life had changed but not how I wanted it to. It was only filled with melancholy now. A deep melancholy that showed it's face where I didn't want it to. At school, inside the clubroom, at home—this day had just been full of melancholy.

My life was falling apart thanks to Haruki. I tired to sleep but couldn't, my mind kept bringing him up—that kiss we shared. I told myself to find someone else—a normal person like me—but I wanted him, no one else! I started to cry again—it was still raining. No matter how hard I tired not to think about it, I thought about it more hence my crying went on for quite awhile. My pillow must've been soaked—I couldn't tell I was absorbed by my crying.

In the morning I didn't feel like getting up, my brother yelled at me at my mother's request, still I didn't respond. My head was in a swirl—sleep was impossible last night I was to preoccupied with my love life—I felt like staying home. Missing school wasn't going to affect me much, I thought. Haruki was ruining every aspect of my life—I thought it wouldn't matter even if I went with my barely passing grades, attending university was a long-shot. His grip over me reached as far as my self-worth—with my body I wouldn't be able to work as a hostess or some other similar job, my body also wasn't meant for heavy labor—I'd probably get no where in life, I thought. This of course only served to further drive my melancholy.

If I went, how would I confront them after yesterday, was also a worry. I had bolted off after simply being beat in a board game. Would Haruki throw me out of the club and act even colder toward me, if that's even possible? All this filled my desire to skip school for the day—how would it hurt I thought—my mother didn't think the same way, and forced me to go after seeing I wasn't sick. With everything weighing me down, including no sleep, I struggled more so than before to climbed the steep hill to North High. Taniguchi's presence a good portion of the way up the hill made me feel worse. Even she looked better than me. That morning I hadn't even bothered to tie the ribbon on my chest.

"Hey Kyonko," she said as she tapped me on the shoulder. I wanted to lash out "shut up!" yet refrained and only said it inside of my head.

"Hi," I muttered hoping that would suffice for a conversation. This hope didn't last long, it was a plane crash that happened after simply boarding and taking off, luckily I survived.

"Ah things not going well with Haruki?" She ignorantly asked.

"Everything's fine," I lashed out rudely. The way I said it meant everything wasn't fine—even someone as thick headed as Taniguchi should be able to comprehend that fact.

We reached the school soon—she stayed quiet figuring out I wasn't feeling that great as I had hoped. Her quietness was almost creepy—her tendency to talk drove me to the conclusion that she'd keep talking yet as I said above I hoped she wouldn't, and for once hoping actually worked. That's one of the problems with humans, they only hope—not saying I'm any different.

Reaching the school complex I regretted it, I rather repeat the hell that was walking up the hill then confront Haruki in the classroom. What would he think of yesterday? Could it be written off as anything? It was over a board game at eye level, could anyone analyze it and find out the real reason—Yuuki could but that doesn't count. I was in frenzy trying to come up with some excuse, or could I simply feign ignorance to what happened yesterday—no that's impossible, the entire scene was to big to act as it never occurred. Nor would I try to do that, it could backfire on my heavily—I'd be better off coming up with a solid excuse not employing some swiss cheese method like that.

The walk to the classroom seemed to end in an instant, and I was left without a plan—I grew embarrassed walking into the classroom unready. Haruki was sitting in his usual seat (row by the window, last seat) he was clearly visible the moment I walked in. He eyed me, his expression was playful, he had covered up his melancholy again. This instantly worried me—why was he so happy? Had he figured it out, I thought hoping he had. It would make things so much simpler if he had—even if he rejected me it'd better for me overall. If he accepted me that'd be great, but if he didn't....even though I'd end up breaking right there I'd make a recovery he'd be marked in my mind as an asshole, and I would've wasted a great deal of time dealing with him for no reason then...... Never mind if he rejected me it wouldn't be better I'd worse off, the only thing that'd make me feel better was if he accepted me as his girlfriend.

I shuffled to my seat. I turned my body on the chair to face him, after putting my schoolbag on the hook of the desk to see what he smiling about. I kept my embarrassment in check. Haruki's face was so full of warmth I wanted to lean over, and plant a kiss on his soft lips. His eyes were partially covered by his bangs the yellow headband was just for show as always. I don't understand why he wears it—back when we kissed I told him how I liked it better without it, how I fancied hair in the natural messy look. He only left it alone for one day, then reverted.

"Kyonko I understand what happened yesterday."

"Y-you do?" I meekly responded hoping I was right that he knew about how I felt.

"Yeah it's that time of the month."

"....." I grew embarrassed, how it could it be that? I don't get drastic mood swings like that! I mean sure it's annoying, but I'd never do that because of my period. Sure I'm a little more feisty but no not like that! I'm not going through my period right now anyway it's already happened a week ago! I'm well over it dammit!

I had no choice but to turn around, and lay on desk for completely reading the situation incorrectly. I felt humiliated—i wasn't going to correct him albeit, this was probably the best thing I could've hoped for even if it was embarrassing. But he did smile because of me...

"Yeah I was talking about it with Itsuko, and that's the conclusion we came to."

I hate her so much....she did provide my escape, but she talked with him—something me and Haruki hadn't done in quite awhile until now, yet she came first. I envy her so much—how I wish I was in her shoes then winning him over wouldn't be that difficult. I really, heavily envy her....

Chapter 1—Envy end