Author's Note - Ciaossu! ...I really should be working on finishing Acceptance, but inspiration struck me down hard and I couldn't do anything else until I wrote this. (bows deeply) Forgive me, Acceptance-readers. Please? (teary eyes) Blame me for watching KHR! these days. (sheepish)
This is sort of a character study for me. On one hand, it is to delve deeper into the small (living) blood family Tsuna has and on the other, to try to understand how and why Tsuna is who he is currently. Also, to see another side of Nana... or I just wanted to mess with her, 'cause angst is fun like that. XD Kidding, kidding. I really like Nana, as dense as she is, because she's very persevering, taking things into stride all the time. I can definitely see her in Tsuna. She's also quite cute (and Kyoko looks like her, if you ask me, so isn't it kind of weird for Tsuna to like Kyoko?! ...cough).
Summary - Sawada Tsunayoshi had plenty of memories; some good but most, admittedly, bad. There were also memories that he called gaps, which he thought were the worst of them all. They were much worse than those of him being bullied because it was in those that his father never appeared in.
Disclaimer - Katekyo Hitman Reborn! does not belong to me and neither do the characters. I make no money out of this.
Author's Note (again, meow) - I'm so happy 'cause this is my first Reborn! fic (even though it's sort of a sad fic). I have something else on the way, though, so be on the lookout for it! For real; it's not a joke. It'll be done before the 22 December, because that's my given due date. XD
Forgive my lack of knowledge in Japanese (do tell if I got anything wrong) and beware the OOCness if there's any... Okay, I'm pretty sure there are. (flails)
Gaps
Sawada Tsunayoshi remembered the day his father started leaving more and more often and visiting less and less frequently. There were also memories that he called gaps, which he thought were the worst of them all. They were much worse than those of him being bullied because it was in those that his father never appeared in. And there were plenty of them.
X
"Otou-san! 'Tou-san!" Tsuna cried out in excitement and happiness at the blonde man that was his father, Sawada Iemitsu.
The brunette's smile was wide and his pleasure practically shone when Iemitsu bent down, resting one hand on his knee while raising the other to ruffle his son's soft spikey hair. "Tsu-kun! How's my cute little son? Have you been good for 'Kaa-chan?" Iemitsu playfully interrogated, eyes squinting from the force of his grin.
"Un, un! Tsu-kun's been good for 'Kaa-chan!" innocent was the child as he replied with every bit of sincerity in him, not that he was even capable of lying.
Iemitsu's grin gentled into a proud smile as he reached forward to embrace Tsuna, burying his nose into his son's burnished brown hair and inhaling his unique scent of fresh grass and dew and what he thought to be freedom, if freedom had a scent. He felt Tsuna's small arms reach around his neck to wrap him in his own tiny hug that had and expressed no less affection.
Carefully, Iemitsu stood up straight again, bringing Tsuna with his rising as he shifted his arms to hold the boy more comfortably against his chest. Just then, his cellphone rang.
He manoeuvred Tsuna smoothly into a one-arm grip, his son's arms still caging his neck tightly in their own trap, and picked up the call. "Iemitsu," he stated.
There was a tense silence for minutes before Iemitsu finally replied faintly as though it was against his wishes, "Understood."
For several moments after the call, all Iemitsu did was hold his son tighter and try to hide his face in Tsuna's small shoulder, as though if he did not look up, whether at his son or at the rest of the world, what was told over the call would not be real and he did not have to heed the instructions he had been given.
"Otou-san?"
But that was his son's voice, and as his father, he cannot ignore the small child. Reluctantly, Iemitsu looked up and at Tsuna. With that one look at his adorable son's innocent face, he knew he could not deny his orders, nor could he tell Tsuna anything about his 'job' or Tsuna's future.
"Otou-san... has to leave for a while, Tsu-kun," Iemitsu spoke each word slowly and with precision, as though to stall for time and delay his leave.
"Nande?" the confusion was obvious in the tone, just as the not-so-hidden pain was in Tsuna's large amber eyes.
"I have to work, Tsu-kun. So I can support 'Kaa-chan and Tsu-kun," it was obvious that while the words were true, they hid the real reason but if Tsuna knew anything about it, he did not say nor imply that he knew.
Tsuna stared at Iemitsu for several long moments, gazing directly into his father's eyes to look for any unnecessary lies. It made Iemitsu cringe inwardly, but he did not deny his son of his odd inspection. Whatever Tsuna might have found must have been enough for him to accept his father's explanation, or at least enough to satisfy him that whatever it was, he was not allowed to know.
"Sou ka," the words were like a stopper, ending the pleasant, content mood around the father and son.
As gently as he had picked up Tsuna, Iemitsu placed he down on the ground again. His hands, however, remained on his son's smaller than average body, just as Tsuna's arms were still locked around his neck with his tiny fingers entwined in a tight grip that screamed, 'I don't want to let you go'.
Iemitsu allowed himself the small moment of freedom from the mafia and the pride and joy he felt in his Tsuna's arms, knowing it was going to grow less and less frequent to the point of never. At least, until his son was dubbed the Ninth's heir, but that was a whole other matter.
His eyes burnt with unshed tears as Iemitsu finally brought his hands away from Tsuna's frame and grabbed hold onto his son's arms in a tender but firm grip. Slowly, painfully, he untwined Tsuna's fingers and broke himself of his embrace. Gomenasai, Tsu-kun.
With a final tousle to his son's hair, Iemitsu turned and walked away, never daring to look back because of what he knew he would see and what he might see.
All Tsunayoshi did was stand rooted to the spot his father had left him in and watched as the back figure of his father become smaller and smaller until it was gone.
X
Perhaps, Tsuna wondered, that was when he began disliking his father, the one he had always looked up to.
Because the memories after were all painful and full of his mother's grief and misery, though she had attempted several times to hide her tears and sorrow from him.
Gaps, Tsuna insisted to himself. They are gaps. Empty holes that caused her so much pain, empty holes that no one knows of but us.
Tsuna sighed softly. He was even beginning to not convince himself. He buried his face in his hands as his intuition told him once more that Sawada Nana, his beautiful, cheery mother, was crying in her room. It's not even their room anymore, is it? Tsuna thought with a wince. There was no sound, but the atmosphere in the house was unmistakable.
Where's Reborn when you need his craziness? Tsuna vaguely processed the thought with a fond sort of annoyance at the mere idea of the baby hitman. Even Lambo, I-Pin and Bianchi would be welcomed now. At least they would keep the pain at bay by distracting her. Tsuna sighed tiredly aloud, before heeding his intuition and getting up from his desk.
As he walked towards his mother's room, he winced as he recalled the first time he felt his mother crying and the actual feeling of uselessness when he was unable to do anything to stop it or cheer her up. He often felt envious of his parents' relationship as the two of them were painfully obvious about being deeply in love with each other. They never had eyes for anyone else except each other and Tsuna when he was born. It was only on days like these that he felt that envy turn into immense dislike. Bittersweet, was such deep love and devotion.
When his father was gone for two straight years, that dislike grew to the point of almost-hate, but he could not hate Iemitsu, no matter the grief and pain he caused because in the end, he was his father. I used to wish he'd come back more often. I didn't even dare to wish he would stay. It's been two years... That stupid, useless, no-good man.
Tsuna grimaced when he felt his own pain at his father's disappearance. If he felt like he had been deserted, then Kami-sama knows what his mother must have felt. As much as Nana knew her husband loved her, the knowledge did not do anything to lessen the pain of not having Iemitsu by her side. Where he should be.
X
"Okaa-chan?" Tsuna was terribly confused, because something in his chest told him that something was not right and it happened to involve his mother.
It was not the first time either. In fact, it had occurred many times before, but he hadn't understood what the feeling actually wanted him to do, nor had he understood why he had the feeling. So in the end, he had thought nothing of the feelings as they often passed quickly without injury.
But this time, it was much stronger and it wasn't going away as quickly as it did the other times. It was beginning to hurt his chest and he was close to frustrated tears. So he decided that he was going to act on what that thing in his chest was telling him to do and went to look for his mother in the house.
He started with the kitchen because it was rare not to find Nana doing something there, whether it was cooking or drinking tea. She was not there, however, which made Tsuna frown in further puzzlement and dissatisfaction. He walk-dashed to the living room, but Nana was not there watching television or folding clothes either. Tsuna even looked out to the porch, wondering if his mother was there on a rare inspiration to relax outside. When he did not see her, he moved his search to the upper storey, and finally found his mother in his parents' room, just not in the condition he had expected to find her in.
"Okaa-chan?!" Tsuna exclaimed softly as he was startled by his mother's crumbled form against the king-sized bed.
His small sock covered feet made pattering sounds on the wooden flooring as he rushed towards Nana and knelt down beside her. Hesistatingly, he nudged at her lap with both of his hands and let out a surprised squeal when he was unexpectedly grabbed by his mother.
"Hiii! Okaa-chan?!" Tsuna squeaked, his eyes searching for his mother's face and smile frantically.
"Gomen ne, Tsu-kun. Let Okaa-chan hug you a little longer, please?" Nana murmured almost weakly, and the depressed tone was what made Tsuna calm down almost instantly and worry over his mother's state.
"Are you all right, Okaa-chan?"
Nana paused in her sniffling before smiling minutely, though Tsuna could not see it and it was more of a grimace than a smile anyway. "Iie, demo 'Kaa-chan will be in a while," Nana assured Tsuna in the most soothing tone she could muster.
Tsuna stared distraughtly at the back of his mother's head before giving in into her desperate hold and accepting her pained words. "Un, Tsu-kun can wait. 'Kaa-chan has to get better, so that Tsu-kun can show 'Kaa-chan the drawing he did in school today, ne?" Tsuna whispered brightly, as if he was telling Nana a very important secret.
He did not get any verbal response except a squeeze.
X
"Okaa-san? I'm coming in," Tsuna stated as he knocked on the door before opening it and entering his mother's room.
When Tsuna walked in, he half-expected to find his mother weeping without sound again while staring at photos of herself and her beloved husband. Instead, he found no trace of tears, but the air was still heavy with his mother's depression. "Okaa-san?" Tsuna called out questioningly, brows furrowing in confusion. "Are you all right, 'Kaa-san?"
Nana looked up from the photo album she had been flipping through and with a little surprise, stared at Tsuna. "Ah, Tsu-kun! Okaa-san is fine, Tsu-kun," the weak smile on her face had grown to be more convincing over time as Nana learnt to put away the feeling of loss bit by bit and the mood turned lighter and chipper with that small, fragile-like smile.
She held back a giggle at the disbelieving look on Tsuna's face as she beckoned him over to her side. Nana waited for Tsuna to settle down on the bed beside her before showing him what she had been looking at.
They were photos of them. All three of them.
Tsuna felt a smile tug at his own lips as he gazed fondly at the pictures. "Saa, so that's what you were looking at, 'Kaa-san?" Tsuna asked rhetorically.
The air became nostalgic as the mother and son began the manual task of going through photo albums after photo albums, each filled with photos of all three of them. Moments already forgotten, moments still remembered; embarrassing events, fond memories; simple photogenic happenings, grand festives that had to be taken; all of them were immortalised in the many pictures and collected into albums.
The photos spoke of happier times and both Tsuna and Nana allowed them to wash away the negative feelings in them, if only for that moment.
As Nana continued flipping through the pictures, this time of her and Iemitsu alone, Tsuna snuck a glance at his mother's content face before returning to looking at the photos with her. He sent the Iemitsu in the photo an exasperated smile and leaned against his mother in a tender affectionate gesture.
I guess I can forgive you just a little bit, for making us - her - so happy when you could and giving us a happier time to remember while you're still gone doing who knows what.
Looking at the sole framed photo of the three of them sitting on the bedside table, Tsuna bit his bottom lip and gently worried it as his childish wish came to mind again.
But at least... come back soon, even if it's for one minute, please? Just so we can see your face again and know that you didn't leave us alone; so that Okaa-san can stop feeling sad that you're not with us.
And maybe, just maybe you'd be able to fill those gaps, Otou-san.