Disclaimer: I own nothing and profit from nothing.
Author's Note: This story is beta-less and editor-less, so all spelling and grammar mistakes and any decidedly strange plot choices are mine own. Annnd... maybe third times the charm? First time posting and hoping the page breaks will take this time. Any tips on how best to deal with formatting would be appreciated! I don't want my posts to be big ol' blocks of text. Nobody wants that.
"Are you happy Jane?"
"Heh, what?"
"I mean, do you think you'll ever get married?"
"You mean to Casey?"
"Maybe. I meant more in general."
"In general? Maur, what kind of question is that? I've had to much to drink for that kind of question."
"I was never in love with the idea of marriage. I never got excited thinking about being married one day. But now, as an adult, the idea of a partner is really appealing. Someone who accepts me for who I am, and supports me, and lets me support them. Someone who I live each day with, that sounds appealing."
"Do you think you can have that with Casey?"
"No." Well that was a quick answer. Why am I even with him?
"Oh."
"No. As practical as my definition of marriage sounds I still want some magic."
"Magic."
"I want that person to brighten my day by just thinking about them. I want to want to be with them all the time. I want a bit of magic."
"That sounds nice."
"Yeah."
"Do you think it is out there?"
I rub my finger on the tile floor. She looks around at the kitchen. It's an absolute mess. She feels Maura squirm next to her as she readjusts in her skirt, pulling up her knees to her chest.
"Yeah."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
"It's getting pretty serious, huh."
"Yeah." When did that happen? When did she start spending more time with him than you?
"Wanna go for drinks tonight? Maybe Michael's Place instead of The Robber?"
I glance at Frost then. Wha-?
"Or how about we go to that arcade downtown? I've been meaning to hit that up for ages."
I sift some papers around on your desk. What was I even doing before she came in here?
"Or, how about both? Man we should just make a night of hit. Let's get real happy at the bar next to the arcade, then wander in for slightly drunk zombie shooting."
What?! "Frost, man that is illegal."
"Only a little." He's pouting. I laugh.
"Ha, okay. We'll go shoot zombies then get hammered."
The porch is hard and cold and I'm not really dressed for the weather. I can still hear the revelry inside, can't get away from it. I scrounge around in my jacket pockets for the pack of cigarettes I've been keeping there. I don't normally smoke except when I'm really stressed. Recently I've been sneaking out behind the precinct building and just turning a cigarette in my fingers like I'm doing now.
I fish out the lighter from my back pocket and flick it a few times, not catching, not catching, there we go. I awkwardly hold the cigarette in my mouth and carefully bring the lighter up to light it. My hands are shaking from the cold and god knows what else. I nearly cough up a storm as smoke fills my lungs, but I ease back into it. Like riding a bike. I inhale, slowly exhale.
I hear the screen door open, the creak of wood as someone approaches. My Ma takes a seat next to me and for a moment I panic, Ma catching me smoking, but I relax and give her a questioning glance.
"It's crazy in there." Her tone is strangely neutral. She seemed so excited only minutes ago, when the announcement was made. She surprises me by taking the cigarette. She takes a slow drag and stares out at the yard. "You think you have something that is gonna last forever. And one day it is over, and you are not even really sure how it happened."
I look over at my mother, then back out at the yard. She passes me back the cigarette. I take a more practiced drag. "Yeah."
"I know this is a little silly, I mean you must already know."
Oh god here it comes.
"You are my maid of honor, I mean if you want, I mean I'd really like it if-". You stop her short with a hand on her shoulder.
"Maura." She looks at you with those excited eyes, full of energy and trepidation. She really wants this. She is so happy right now.
"Yes Jane?" She breathes in as she says my name. Expectation.
"Of course I am your maid of honor. Jeez." I give her that lopsided smile. The one I can fake well enough to fool her. She is so happy. "Now what kind of strippers d'ya want? I'm sure you have some sort of weird preference I've never even heard of." Sarcasm. Boy am I predictable. She's laughing though. God she is beautiful when she laughs. "Wait! Nope! I'm going all out. The cheapest most horrible strippers I can find."
"Jane!"
"I'm kidding Maura! Jeez!" My smile and laugh are genuine this time. Am I mourning her? Is that what I'm doing? Heh, better to savor these moments I guess. Gotta saving up enough Maura to get through the winter that is the rest of my life. "I need to head back upstairs. Frost has a bet going about my coffee breaks. I can't have him winning any money off me."
"Jane?"
"Wha-" Oh man, she is hugging me. Calm yourself. Arms around her, slowly.
"Thank you."
I give her one last squeeze then extricate myself. I'm clutching her arms loosely, holding her out a few inches in front of me. She is looking up at me, crying again. She gives me a little smile, like this whole thing, her whole engagement was just a little gift I set up for her.
I try to match her smile but my face falters in the process. I can't do it when she is this close. I can smell her expensive perfume (sandalwood), and her moderately priced shampoo (vanilla). I can feel her breathe, I can feel her skin. I close my eyes to guard yourself against how she looks, so beautiful, but you feel her tense.
"Jane?" I see worry, confusion on her face.
I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. I open my eyes and look anywhere but at her face. Why aren't you happy for her? Why aren't you as excited as she is?
"Wellp, back to grindstone." I give a quick smile and peck her on the cheek. What? Why did you-
"Jane?" Her voice is urgent now but I've already turned around and am booking it to the elevator. My phone goes off, yes! I pick it up as you press the call button for the elevator.
"Hey partner, you owe me ten bucks." You give an exaggerated eye roll for Maura's sake, but she still isn't convinced everything is okay. You check your watch, it's as broken as it was yesterday. The elevator doors open, you hop in.
"I've got forty-five seconds according to my watch buddy-boy." The doors are closing and she is still giving me a look, a look that says this conversation isn't over.
"We're not basing our bet on your broken watch!"
"Not today Frost." Radio silence.
"Gotcha, partner. Got some paperwork to sift through for you."
"Joy."
"Hey Lieutenant, you got a sec?"
"What's going on Rizzoli?"
You close the door behind you, take a seat in the chair in front of Cavanaugh's desk. "So the Bureau's offered me a position in D.C." He chuckles, and shrugs.
"That isn't a first."
"I've uh, I've decided to take it." I meet his eyes as I say it. He is honestly surprised. He leans back in his chair and crosses his arms.
"Well." He looks around his office, out into the bull pen. Frost and Korsak are having a laugh. He looks back at me. "That is a first." I nod my head at him but never turn down my eyes. "Well we have some paperwork to do."
We've been in some shitty stake-out car for four hours.
"I'm gonna be her maid of honor." I sound so resigned. Get grip on yourself!
"JeeEEz."
"Yeah." At least he gets it. Ma sort of gets it, but Frost gets it.
"I'm gonna be standing right there y'know?"
"You need a vacation from this wedding."
"I need a vacation from my life." Frost looks at me then.
"Really?" His voice is serious, somber.
"I think so. I really do. Work sucks. Home sucks."
"How is living with your mom going?"
"I'm helping her move in to her new place this weekend. Maura and Robert are helping."
"Jesus. Hey but at least you'll have your place back to yourself."
"I'm thinking about getting a new place."
"Oh?"
"Yeah, I uh, I got a job offer in D.C."
Frost takes a big slurp of his drink, nods his head.
"That doesn't surprise me."
"Yeah, I'm thinking of taking it." He licks the ketchup off his fingers.
"Are you gonna tell her?" God, hit the nail on the head.
"Well, not now. She has a lot on her plate." He just looks at me.
"When are you leaving?"
"April."
"Her wedding is in April."
"Late April, I'll be here for the wedding."
"But only just." I shrug. "Just tell her beforehand okay? Like, give her some notice. Don't be gone when she gets back."
"What am I supposed to do? Tell her at the wedding?"
"You've got a month and a half."
"She's busy Frost, she's always busy." I sound petulant.
"Is that why you haven't told her, or is that why your going?"
Ouch.
"I'm sorry, that was... just, don't just up and go."
"I'll tell her Frost."
Two weeks until the wedding. Two weeks and two days until the move.
I'm laying on a bare mattress in my bedroom, lights off, window open. I'm washing my sheets at two in the morning. Haven't had a chance to in a month, long case, trying to pack. I'm surrounded by half full boxes. It would be suspicious if Maura were here. Still haven't told her. But she hasn't been over in over a month.
I dial my voicemail again, put in on speaker.
"Jane!" She's breathing hard over the phone. Must be outside too, there's traffic in the background. "Robert hold on, actually, just go get the car." I hear the clacking of heels then things get quieter. "Jane." You can hear her more clearly now. "Oh I've just had the best idea for my bachelorette party! Can it just be a sleepover? Like we used to do? I can come over to your place with my wine and you can have beer and we can watch, oh I don't know, some sporting event and -" She stops to catch her breath. "I just feel like I haven't seen you. I mean of course I've seen you, at work, but - " I hear her fiddle with the phone. "Just! I just want it to be us." She sounds... sad? Pleading? I don't know. I wish I could see her face. "Well, I'll-" She swallows. "I'll see you at work tomorrow." I hear Robert say something in background, muffled. "Goodnight Jane."
I'm... glad? Glad that it went to voicemail. Glad that I was caught up with paperwork when she called. Maybe I can figure this out if I'm not on the phone with her. Maybe it is best this way. Invite her into the apartment, explain away the mess - oh! I'm sorry, I'm moving soon, didn't I tell you?
Maybe we can have the sleepover at their place. Maybe we talk and joke and laugh in the bed her and Robert share every night. Maybe I can shoot myself in the head. Ugh!
Maybe I can call in sick for the bachelorette party, or say I'm too busy at work. Oh man would she be disappointed in me, but who cares right? I'm leaving. Leaving.
No, it will have to be here. I roll onto my side, curl up in the fetal position. I can hear the traffic outside. I squeeze my eyes closed and tears roll across my face. I haven't really cried about this. About any of it. It was so easy to separate, but hearing her voice, talking to me. And I'm leaving Boston, my family. I'm leaving her.
Oh well. Tomorrow, tomorrow will be.. Hah. I wipe my face, curl in tighter. Tomorrow won't be today at least. I try to sleep.
One week until the wedding. I'm standing in my living room. Everything is packed, except the things I need everyday and for tonight. This.. this is not gonna be a fun night.
Frost opens the front door. "Hey partner, got the pies and a salad. I even got you beer because you didn't have any in the fridge."
"Oh shit, thanks Frost. I didn't even check." I feel lost. Frost moves the stuff to the kitchen, puts away the beer.
"So what's your game plan?" He closes the refrigerator door and leans back against it.
"Game plan. Huh. Wish I had one."
"When is she coming over?"
"Half an hour." He nods his head. I turn away from him, one hand on my hip, the other I pull through my hair. "I think this is as clean as its gonna get. I don't have.. I don't have cable, had it shut off."
"Got your DVD player out though."
"Yeah."
"Got any movies?"
"Some, I mean I had most of them packed already but I opened a box." I gesture to the open box on the couch. There is knock at the door. I jump. "She's never early." I walk the short distance to the door, put my hand on the knob, turn my head back to Frost. He sweeps is hands up to his face and smiles big and fake. Message received. I put on my best fake grin and open the door.
She is already in pajamas. She is so adorable I could die. She is clutching an overnight bag to her chest and she is so excited. My smile becomes genuine. She opens her mouth to say something, then just bites her lip and smiles wider. She bursts past me into the apartment. "I broought a documentary I've been wanting to watch for ages! It's about the economic burst of-" I turn to look at her, all innocence and confusion. I glance at Frost, who is looking between me and her with the saddest expression on his face, which he quickly schools.
"Well I'll let you two girls get to it." He walks quickly towards the door.
"Oh! Barry, hello." Innocent, confused, and a little bashful.
He stops at the door next to me. "Hey partner, got those spaghetti westerns?"
Oh! "Oh! I've got them right over here." I sift through the small box of DVDs on the couch and bring out a small case. "The definitive collection." I hand them over to Frost. He salutes me with the box and waves goodbye to Maura as he shuts the door.
I turn to face her, she is still standing in the middle of the room with a question on her face. Better rip this one off like a band-aid. A big ol' freakin band-aid. "So I'm moving, heh, obviously." I take her bag and head for the bedroom."I've been meaning to tell you!" I yell from the next room. I set the bag on the bed, rifle through it until I find the DVD she mentioned. "We've just been so busy-" I come back into the living room, movie in tow. "Well you know." She looks startled, but curious.
"A testament to how little we've seen each other I suppose." She says with a little laugh. "Tonight can be my bachelorette sleepover and a goodbye to this place! Where is your new place? Is it closer to work?" She begins opening the bottle of wine I left out for her. I set the movie on the counter and grab a beer from the fridge. I play with the top a bit before I open it. Just rip it off Rizzoli.
"Well sorrt of. I mean closer to my new work. I, uh, I took a new job." She stops fiddling with the wine bottle, the corkscrew half way in. "In D.C., for the feds, way better pay y'know?" I say it as casual I can. I take a sip of beer.
She is quiet for a long time. I look at her. She has a look... like she wants to cry, or.. like things finally make sense. Her voice is steady when she speaks.
"Am I the last to know?"
"Er- No!" I cough a bit, wasn't expecting that. "I uh, I told Cavanaugh o'course. Had to put in my notice." I wipe my palm across my mouth. "And Frost, because he'll be getting a new partner. Soon. Next week I think." She's still not looking at me. Damn. "And I told Ma last week. This, uh, this all happened pretty fast. She's been helping me with the finer details - I've been so busy at work."
"Will you be able to make the wedding?" She's crying now, clenching her fingers against her palms, staring morosely at the half opened bottle of wine.
"Of course! I- I'm still your maid of honor. I mean if you want me to be." I just want to hold her, she looks so small. "I don't leave until the 27th."
"I am, " she hiccups " an imbecile." She cries and laughs and wipes her eyes, getting mascara all over her fingers. God only she would wear make-up to a sleepover.
"Maura.." I reach out for her but she pulls away.
"No! No, I-" She wipes her hand off on the towel hanging from the stove "you have been so distant!"
"I-I've been distant?" I don't have the right, but I'm offended anyways.
"No!" She swats a hand at me. " You will let me speak Jane Rizzoli!" She wraps her left hand around her stomach, her right she brings up to her face and covers her mouth. She just looks at me, searches my eyes for something. She brings her hand down to her waist. When she speaks its so quiet. "You are, you are an idiot." I turn away and face the counter, I know she is still looking at me. "Did you think that it would always be this way? Did you think it was easy for me, to not see you?"
"You think this is about you?"
"Don't insult my intelligence." I look at her then. Disappointment.
"Maura, I will always be your friend." It comes out sad, a complaint almost. Why can't I be more? She won't hear that though.
"How can you be my friend if you are in Washington?" How can you be MY friend if you spend all your time with Robert? If you share everything with him, when I share everything with you. How can I sit here and watch you be so happy with someone else?
"I'll visit." I won't.
"You won't." I jerk my head up to look at her. She looks confused again. "Why are you leaving Jane?" Why are you leaving ME Jane. I hear the things she doesn't say though. It doesn't seem fair.
Why am I leaving. Why. You are getting married. Ma is finally on her feet. Frankie is taking his exam, he is gonna ace it I know it. Tommy, Tommy is not getting any better, but he isn't getting any worse. Frost and Korsak work well together. They're good. You're good. You work well with them. You work well with Robert. You are happy with Robert. You are getting married, Maura.
"They've got an uh, a position for me." Maybe a place for me. "A really nice one. I'll be doing good work." Maybe making a difference. "Moving around a lot at first." It'll keep me distracted. "I'll meet a lot of new people." New friends, new life. I can't say the important parts out loud, but maybe she'll understand enough.
She pops the cork out of the bottle and pours herself a glass of wine. She moves to the couch. I watch her sit down, then follow her. I sit at the opposite side, a pile DVD cases and a half empty box between us.
"You're not really going are you Jane?" She is just staring down into her glass.
"Yeah. I am Maura. I w-want to go."
"Robert's job is fairly flexible, what if I found a pos-"
"Maura, I just. I think we need some space."
"S-some s-sp-space?" She's sounds blubbery, tears coming down in earnest. "You are leaving because of me? Why?"
"No! Not just be-"
"Not JUST?"
"I mean. Listen, it is a really nice job Maura."
"You love your job!"
"I do. I did."
"What happened?"
"You got married Maura, or you will have, and I realized, I'm just never gonna have.." You. " ...that."
"Oh Jane, you will!"
"Let me finish! I'm never gonna, I'm never gonna have something if all I do is work." That, that might actually work.
"You go out."
"I go out with you."
Silence.
"Oh."
"I, I spend all my time with you Maura, and you being so busy lately, it made me realize just how much."
"Oh."
"And that isn't... that isn't good. Ya know? So when the feds offered me this job, not a desk job, but closer to a nine to five than I've ever had so I'll actually have some free time, and be in a new city. I think. Maura, I think Robert makes you really happy."
"H-he does."
"I want you to be happy Maura."
"Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you talk to me?"
"You were so excited, so happy with your planning, I didn't want to put a damper on things."
"I want you to be happy too Jane."
Eight months. It went by so quickly. Ma said she'd disown me if I didn't come back for Christmas. We talk almost every day. I don't think our relationship has ever been better. Funny what a few hundred miles will do. Frankie is a detective now. Detective Rizzoli. Heh, well there ought to be one around. I'm Agent Rizzoli now. Still sounds weird to me. We talk sometimes, about twice a month. He's got himself a girlfriend, just recently. Not so serious. Not as serious as me and Danny. Nearly six months now. My mother pitched a fit, said if dating girls was all it took to get me with a lawyer she would have started setting me up with'm long ago.
She's beautiful too. And smart. And she loves me. And I really, really like her. I love her. I do. Well Ma is throwing a big shindig and threatened death if I didn't bring Danny along. If I didn't bring Danny to Maura's. Or Robert's. Maura and Robert's place. That's where the party is. Ma and her still talk every day. Me, I haven't spoken to her since the wedding.
So here we are, squished in some economy seats on a red-eye to Boston. We could have afforded first-class. Danny and I aren't hurting for cash, but I hadn't made up my mind until the last minute and this is all we could find. Ma's convinced everyone I'll be there, so she'll probably be the only one genuinely surprised by my showing up. And maybe Frost.
Danny is fast asleep, like most of the cabin. She's got herself propped up against the window, clutching her small duffel. I can't sleep. In about an hour I'll be bangin on my Ma's door and grabbin a few hours sleep on her pull-out couch. Danny will drag me out of bed probably, and I'll moan and groan. I'll pull on something comfortable, then Ma will throw a fit, then I'll pull on one of her god awful sweaters and we'll pack in to her car. We'll drive across town to some unfamiliar neighborhood, to some house that I've only seen twice, been in once. We'll park on the road because the drive-way will be full already, we'll be the last ones to arrive. Ma will take too long fiddlin with her food, and Danny will be too kind and help her. I'll be the one at the door, I'll be the one to knock. Ma will be chattering away, Danny laughing. And Maura. Maura will open the door.
I keep thinking... this was a horrible idea. This is a horrible idea. But we have to do this. Danny said I should be the one to have done it, said it fit. I never thought I would propose to anyone. Well, once I thought maybe.. but this feels wrong, forced. I didn't propose, she didn't propose. We just got married one weekend, seemed the thing to do.
I had work detail in New York, brought her along. Got a couple of the guys to be witnesses. Went out to celebrate at a small club in Manhattan. I wasn't thinking about Boston, or Ma, or- or Maura.
Well. I was thinking about Maura a little bit.
But now, boy am I in trouble. That was two months ago. Ever since I got on the plane I've been fiddling with my ring. I'm gonna have to take it off soon, before we get to Ma's. I guess I'm just lucky two months isn't enough to leave a mark on my finger. Danny's still got her ring on, well a different one. A real nice engagement ring. Ma will be crazy happy.
"I'm nervous to meet your mother."
"Well that's natural y'know?"
"Yes, but I didn't think I was going to be." Danny is half awake, leaning against the passenger side door.
"She's gonna love you. She already loves you."
"I thought I would just be nervous about meeting Maura." She yawns and stretches.
"You don't need to be nervous about Maura."
"I'm not nervous about her, I'm just, I don't know." She looks over at me and I give her a smile. "I'll behave Jane. I just don't like it."
"She didn't hurt me on purpose."
"Does that matter?"
"Yes." Of course it does.
"Would it matter to you? If someone had hurt me?" Damn it, Danny.
"It's just for a few days. Then we'll be back in D.C." I pull into the spot next to my Ma's car. "Come on, I'm exhausted."
"Did you sleep at all on the plane?"
"A little. I'll grab our stuff." We packed light, short notice and all. She waits for me on the curb.
We hoof it up two flights of stairs and just as the Sun is rising we're knocking on the door. I hear and exclamation from my mother from inside, and she's opening the door and hugging me and taking the bags and squealing and hugging Danny.
"Oh Danny! It is so good to finally meet you. Janey just talks about you all the time. Come in!" She bustles us inside and-
"Maura?" I croak, more than say.
"Hello Jane." And there is Maura, sitting pretty on a barstool in the kitchen. There are two glasses of
wine poured and half a bottle left. She gets up and moves to hug me, then hesitates, but I finish the action for her.
"Hey Maura." The hug feels good and is over too soon. I'm coming out of my head when Danny and Ma come into the living area from the entry way. "This is, hey Danny, this is Maura. Maura, Danny."
Maura turns toward Danny hand out to shake, "Oh yes, Angela has told me all ab-". There is a moment of silence. I'm looking between Maura and Danny, Danny is looking at me, and Ma, Ma is looking kinda guilty. "Angela failed to mention you were a woman."
"Ma!"
"Well, I ha, okay?" Danny shakes Maura's hand, laughs and turns to Angela. "Must have slipped your mind?"
"Had I never? Well! Give me your bag Danny, I'll put it away and we can chat!" Angela goes to take Danny's bag.
"Ma, its four in the morning."
"Yes but all of us girls are here and I thought we could just chat and Oh my GOD! Jane!" Angela has Danny's left hand in a vice grip and her eyes have bugged out. Well that didn't take long. "Janey! Oh! My Janey is getting married! Oh Danny!" Angela drags Danny off towards the back room. "You have convince her to wear a dress. I'll show you pictures. Oh please Danny."
Just me and Maura then.
"Er, Danielle. I can't believe Ma. What the hell."
"Well you didn't tell me either." I shrug.
"I also got a tattoo."
"Really?"
"No. Heh." What is wrong with me.
"Are you happy Jane?"