When I'm Gone
There's another world inside of me
That you may never see
That night in the forest, when Jeremy burned alive inside of that car, Mary-Lynnette had relished his screams. She had thought this is who I am, the girl who is supposed to hold Ash's hand. But that thought had the rest of her rebelling, and she was sick in the bushes because who the hell thinks like that?
There're secrets in this life
That I can't hide
Ash broke as he held Mary-Lynnette's hair as she puked in the bushes, understanding that he had just lost her. Burn in hell, you bastard! He viciously thought at Jeremy's corpse. She would never join his world now, he knew that with an agonizing clarity, and now he had three choices, leave her now, watch her die later or change her without permission. Any way, he lost her. Better this way, he thought bitterly, I don't deserve her anyway, and I couldn't make her happy even if I did.
Somewhere in this darkness
There's a light that I can't find
Ash didn't see the stars before he met her, and now, he couldn't bear to look up for too long, because there was a chance that she was watching the same one and that was just too much for him to bear. He just wasn't strong enough for that, he was still twisted enough that it didn't feel right to look at her stars. So he stuck to the underworld he used to rule, but he didn't belong there either. He wasn't twisted enough for that anymore. So he lurked in the shadows, saving little blonde girls from bars and searching for something to tell him he was doing something right, for the first time in his life.
Maybe it's too far away…
Or maybe I'm just blind…
Or maybe I'm just blind…
Mary-Lynette couldn't tear herself from the stars anymore then she could before she had met Ash, but now they had no meaning. Now, she noticed the space between the stars. Doesn't matter how bright they shine if they're all alone. She wondered whether she was blinded now, or if she was finally seeing stars for what they really were, lonely.
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
And love me when I'm gone
The first time he returned, a year after he left her, they still weren't ready and he felt that as he held her in his arms. They lingered together for weeks and he savored the feel of her, the scent of her hair, the color of her eyes under the new moon and early dawn. She didn't have to say anything, but just under a month later he left again, pressing one last kiss to her upturned mouth, heart breaking with silent tear that traced Mary-Lynnette's face. "We'll try again next year." He told her, knowing it was still on him to be better; he could trust her to let him know when he was purified and better and what she needed.
Every thing I am
And everything in me
Wants to be the one
You wanted me to be
Mary-Lynnette clung to his last words so her fears wouldn't overwhelm her completely. What if he doesn't come back? He had changed so much when he was… away. She saw it in the calmness in his eyes, the reverence when he held her. He had knowledge and experience in his voice that he didn't have last time. What if he's ready for me, but I am not ready for him? That fall, she went off to college across the country.
Ill never let you down
And even if I could
I'd give up everything
If only for your good
Ash just hoped he hadn't let her down. He prayed she didn't think he had whored that last year away. He needed her to know he had been true and mended bridges long burned. But maybe it wasn't enough. Maybe there weren't enough nails in the world to fix the charred remains of old acquaintances. But maybe that was what he deserved, and losing her was the only way to cleanse the dirt and darkness in his soul. All he still had to do was accept it. But he still wasn't strong enough. Always had been a selfish bastard.
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
You can hold me when I'm scared
You wont always be there
So love me when I'm gone
When he returned a year later he was thinner, and held her loosely, but with the same desperation she remembered. He told her he was working now with a wry smile, the twist in his lips laughing at himself. Eyes dark and unreadable, even for her. She had her college transfer prepared so she could follow him wherever he went. "I'm saving the world, Mare, you cant come." He said it softly and kindly and implacably, eyes devouring her face like she was water and he had been wandering the desert for weeks. Maybe he just enjoyed the flush of blood in my cheeks. So she swallowed her hurt and forced a smile, though she was sure he felt it through their bond. "Next year, then."
Love me when I'm gone
He couldn't think of her while he was working. He travelled across the world multiple times, fighting the dragons he promised her he would. The only difference was that she was ready for his brand of love. Now he was the one causing the separation. He often caught sight of James watching him sadly as he volunteered for the most dangerous jobs and recognized when Thierry began blocking him from taking them. "Why are you trying to kill yourself?" Jade asked, "You're hurting her everyday you stay away." His sisters didn't understand that maybe he was punishing her because that was the only way he could punish himself. Maybe I'm finally strong enough, selfless enough to give her up.
When your education X-Ray
Cannot see under my skin
I wont tell you a damn thing
That I could not tell my friends
She waited all night even though she had known by ten that he wasn't going to show up. She laid there for hours on the ground like Bella Freaking Swan as her heart broke and then froze by degrees. She would never stop loving him, that golden thread could never entirely be extinguished, but maybe she could make her life without him. Maybe they were the example of the exception: soul mates who just couldn't take the pressure of the connection.
Roaming through this darkness
I'm alive but I'm alone
He still looked in desperation when his sisters visit because her scent clings to them the way he clings to her memory. "You look terrible," Kestrel commented every time she saw him, "as bad as she does." He barely registered that anymore, but he noticed the first time she didn't add that last part and he begged Thierry for weeks for more active and dangerous missions. He loved throwing himself in recklessly, prepared for his death as he sensed that Mary-Lynnette would survive his passing and maybe be happy. He wanted that for her as long as he didn't have to see it.
Part of me is fighting this
But part of me is gone
Mary-Lynnette didn't say no when that nice boy in her philosophy class asked her out, even though the part of her-most of her- that belonged to Ash bellowed at the betrayal. "He's killing himself," Rowan had told her sadly, "I can't help him." Maybe they were both crying out for help with their actions, pretending they were moving on even though Ash refused to die and Mary-Lynnette gave up nothing but a kiss goodnight that she dreaded. He broke up with her after a few months, realizing that he couldn't make her happy, and already in love enough to let her go. Kestrel showed up at her dorm room at 3 in the morning, tears falling like stars to tell her that the rip in her chest hadn't been imagined. Ash was slipping away.
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
And love me when I'm gone
He watched the blade go into him with resignation, knowing that he took it for someone else's soul mate, so they could have the happiness he had never deserved. His thoughts, as always, drifted to his Mare, and he thought about reaching for her, but she deserved more than the jagged edges that would leave inside her. With trembling finger tips he reached for the ragged stained photo he had stolen from Mark. He watched it till his world grew dark, and then he searched for the stars.
Everything I am
And everything in me
Wants to be the one
You wanted me to be
She barely snatched him in time, forcing her warmth and love into his cold body as if she could force him to breath. She felt his readiness and desire to die and disregarded it. I'll kill myself if you leave, she threatened, and it will be your fault because you didn't love me enough to stay. Without exception the cruelest and most selfish thing she could say. Deep in her soul she wondered if he could forgive her, recognizing she was doing the equivalent of him changing her without consent. She wondered if she would forgive him had their roles been reversed.
I'll never let you down
Even if I could
I'd give up everything
If only for your good
Her words forced him to claw his way back to the surface gratefully, knowing he was finally doing something to make her happy. He wasn't willing to live for himself or his family or even to save the world, but for her? There wasn't even a question in his mind. He reveled in the pain from his chest, every beat of agony proved his heart was beating, proved he was returning to her.
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
You can hold me when I'm scared
You wont always be there
So love me when I'm gone
His eyes were bluer than she remembered when they finally opened and she pulled his hand to her face and inhaled the scent she thought she had forgotten and realized it was always imprinted in her bones. He stared at her soundlessly, coldly, but his fingers moved against her cheek and that felt like reverence. Tears coursed down her face and he brought one, suspended on one long pale finger to his mouth like it was love.
Or maybe I'm just blind…
To him, everything she was had been synonymous with beautiful for as long as she had been entrenched in his mind. It wasn't something he could fight, and even if he could he wouldn't because she was the only pure and clean thing he had ever had and though it shamed him he coveted her the way he did. But now, now she shone like his own personal angel, with her own light that she shed from her eyes with tears. And when he tasted them on his tongue they tasted like love.
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
And love me when I'm gone
He pulled her into his arms and they fit together like puzzle pieces, fit together like a broken plate, fit together the way they always had, but this time, she couldn't imagine pulling away or letting him. She was never, ever letting him go again.
Everything I am
And everything in me
Wants to be the one
You wanted me to be
He swallowed broken glass and bled her name out his mouth like a prayer to a God he hadn't felt in years and it tasted beautiful and sacred and whole as if the torn bits of his soul had not just reknit themselves but had regenerated completely, without even the memory of the oil he had dipped it into time after time until it was oily and stained and left a bad taste in the back of his throat and made him afraid to kiss Mary-Lynette incase he was contagious.
I'll never let you down
Even if I could
I'd give up everything
If only for your good
"I'm never leaving you again," she whispered against his lips in a promise she was finally ready to keep and now it was on her. Now it was up to him whether he wanted them to be together and she would never doubt that he loved her, but maybe it was too much, and maybe that was all right and maybe they were like stars, orbiting perpetually but never coming together, bright enough on their own.
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
You can hold me when I'm scared
You wont always be there
So love me when I'm gone
"I don't want you around this war," he said softly "and if that means I'm broken without you then so be it, this is something I need to do so I can hold my head high when I ask you to marry me, so you can be proud of me." His eyes begged her wait for him, but he hoped she could see he wouldn't blame her for walking away even as his arms formed shackles around her.
Love me when I'm gone
Her throat closed like a vise because she knew he was right but it hurt and she was tired of always feeling that a part of her was missing. But she knew nothing else but waiting.
Love me when I'm gone
He know longer took suicide missions, because her heart was placed just behind his and he would do nothing to jeopardize her.
When I'm gone
She goes back to college and remembers how to sleep.
When I'm gone
He looks at the stars now, and it no longer hurts because they remind him he has forever.