STORIES MY MOTHER NEVER TOLD ME
"Dad? You awake?" Ben Solo asked from his medcenter bed.
Han opened one eye halfway. "I am now," he yawned. Shifting a little in his chair, he almost regretted waking up; he thought it was possible he was crippled for life. The medcenter chairs were an abomination in terms of design and comfort, and he wasn't as young as he once was—a fact that was amply in evidence this morning. Shoot me now, he moaned to himself.
But he'd promised he'd stay with his son, and Han Solo always made good on his promises. Whether it was helping his children or murdering a bounty hunter, he kept his word.
"Dad? Do you think I should talk to Mom about, well, this stuff?" Ben asked his father.
"You woke me up to ask me that?" Han grumbled, scrubbing his hands along his bristly chin; he needed a shave. "Of course you should talk to your mother."
"Okay. I'm gonna comm her."
"Fine." Han straightened in his seat, experiencing pain in places he didn't even know could hurt. "I'm gonna hit the 'fresher." Pushing his stiff body to its feet, Han stepped out of the room. He knew that Ben and Leia often clashed, and he wanted to give his wife and son some privacy. When he returned, the conversation was over.
"Well?" Han asked, one eyebrow raised.
"She said she'll come."
Han smiled, relieved there hadn't been any fireworks. "I'll head home, then."
"No, stay, till Mom gets here. Okay?" Ben pleaded, sounding very much like the child he still was.
"Sorry, kid, but your sisters aren't going to get themselves out of the house," Han explained.
Ben's hands played nervously with the blanket as he nodded understanding.
"Don't worry, it won't take long." Han leaned over to hug his son, groaning softly as his abused back protested.
Ben smirked a little. "Getting old there, Dad?" he teased.
Han glared at his firstborn. "I can still kick your ass, kid. I suggest you remember that." But he hugged his
son again. "Behave yourself."
Ben gave him a soft smile. "Thanks for spending the night."
Han's face slanted into a wry smile. "I'll let you know when my back forgives you." Giving the boy's hair a final ruffling, he slipped out of the room.
01123581321345589144233377610987
Leia was preparing Jana for school and Kira for nursery when her comm went off. She muttered something she hoped her daughters didn't hear. Mon Mothma knew what time she came in and to not contact her off hours unless it was an emergency. Leia had learned long ago that most things did not qualify as emergencies—everyone else just thought they did.
She was shocked when she saw it was Ben contacting her, especially since Han was with him.
"Ben?" she asked, her brows drawn together in a puzzled frown as she thumbed the device on. She and her son had not been on good terms for a long while—most times they were barely civil—and she prepared herself for the onslaught of screaming and insults she'd come to expect from him. It wasn't that she condoned her son's behavior, it was just that Ben had never listened to her warnings.
"Hi, Mom," he said.
Leia stared at the device, shocked by the boy's mild tone. "Hello, Ben," she answered in an even voice. "What's going on? I thought your dad was there."
"He's on his way home. He's getting way too old for sleeping in a chair." Ben actually smiled a little.
"Honey, a five-year-old would be too old for that chair," Leia joked with him, all the while wondering: Where is my son, and what have you done with him?
"Are you working today?" Ben asked her.
Leia was wary. "Yes. I was about to take your sisters to school and nursery."
"Uh, like, do you have lots of meetings and stuff?" he asked, obviously trying to sound indifferent—and failing.
"Ben, honey, if you need something, you need to tell me," Leia admonished him, still wondering what it was he wanted.
"Do you have like...any free time today? Could you come and see me?" Ben asked her shyly.
Leia was delighted that her heretofore antagonistic son was asking to see her, but a small, often hurt part of her was still uneasy.
"I'll have to wait till your dad gets here, but I'll come over then," she decided. Leia hadn't had a civil conversation with her son in years and she was hoping that this time it might happen. There was a sense of calm radiating from Ben-and she couldn't ever remember feeling that.
01123581321345589144233377610987
Much to Leia's surprise, Mon Mothma had been unexpectedly understanding throughout her family's ordeal, shocking her yet again as she now informed Leia that she was due time off, and instructing her to take as much as necessary. She's getting soft in her old age, Leia thought gratefully as she clicked off the comm. Mon Mothma had also issued a media blackout, prohibiting anyone in the government from speaking about the Organa-Solo family situation.
Han and Leia crossed paths in the entranceway to their apartment, stealing a moment to share a quick kiss before Han walked in to round-up his daughters for their day and Leia walked out to visit their son.
Han had given Leia his service entry pass in the forlorn hope she could avoid the holorazzi camped out at the medcenter. Not even Mon Mothma could keep the all rathtars away, but by using the service entrance, the princess would be able to avoid most of them. She'd chosen a hovercab with a droid pilot, which was far more anonymous than her speeder, and most droids knew not to speak out of turn, Threepio being a notable exception. While she had great affection for the golden droid, and he was a great help to the family, there were moments when she simply wanted to deprogram him and sell him for scrap. She didn't voice these sentiments to Han, he'd be all too willing to go along with the plan.
Leia felt her nervousness growing as the hovercab wended its way through Coruscant's morning orgy of traffic. She knew that some of the apprehension she was experiencing was likely Ben's, broadcast through the Force, but she was pretty sure that most of it was her own. She really had no idea what to expect when she saw her son.
The princess used the service entrance, as her husband had done before her, and also stopped to greet the workers, just as Han had. Many of them were beings and droids that had provided the silent infrastructure that had proved invaluable during the war and construction of the new government. A few had worked the front lines, but many more had served behind the scenes. Leia would always be grateful to them for their efforts.
Finally, she figured she'd delayed the inevitable long enough; while she had always felt it was important to be a woman of all those who made up the galaxy, today her most important job was just a few hallways away. She walked the now sadly familiar corridors with growing trepidation. Ben was nothing if not a changeling, and he was as likely to turn on her as he was to be grateful that she'd come.
When she approached her son's plasticine cube, she knocked as a courtesy. To her relief, Ben looked up
and gave her a shy smile.
"Hi Mom," he said quietly. Leia's maternal emotions took over at the sight of her son; she hugged him gently, and was rewarded with a stronger one in return. She kissed him on the cheek.
"How are you, sweetie?" she asked him. Leia could feel so much emotion pulsing through him that she was surprised he was as restrained as he was.
"I'm okay," he said, lowering his eyes. Leia knew he wasn't, but she wasn't going to argue with him. "I was...can I ask you something?"
"Please," Leia encouraged him, sitting on the end of the bed and folding her legs under her. She was small enough to be able to do it, and to her surprise, Ben stuck his very large feet in her lap, which she began rubbing. She remembered how much he'd enjoyed it as a little boy, and it warmed her heart that he was still willing to let her indulge in this very motherly act.
Ben cracked his knuckles, one of his many indicators of tension. "Um...I was gonna ask you...well, I got this… I had this Force vision."
"Go on," Leia encouraged him.
"It was Ben Kenobi. Did Dad tell you?"
"Honey, Dad barely had time to hand me the passcard for the service entrance. We passed in the doorway. He needed to get in to your sisters off, not a lot of time for conversation," Leia said to him, smiling a little. "Tell me what happened."
"What was he like?" Ben asked his mother curiously.
"Ben Kenobi?" Leia shook her head. "I never met him."
Ben was puzzled. "You didn't know him?"
"No." Leia focused her thoughts inward as she told the tale. "How it happened was that I was on an Alderaanian diplomatic vessel, attempting to deliver the plans of the first Death Star to the Alliance Command. My father; I suppose I should say my adoptive father—the man I consider to be my real father—told me that if I was ever in trouble, I should get in contact with Obi-Wan Kenobi, an old friend of his. My ship was attacked by an Imperial star destroyer, the crew was slaughtered, and I was taken prisoner by your grandfather." Leia's face darkened with distaste when she uttered those last two words. "What I did was slip the plans into your uncle's Artoo unit, instructing him to get to General Kenobi on Tatooine."
"We were told in school that the Rebels did get the plans," Ben responded.
"They did," she confirmed. "But because I'd been captured, my only hope was that the plans would arrive safely into the hands of General Kenobi. They did, but in a rather roundabout way." Leia's face softened again. "What happened was that your uncle's aunt and uncle, who were raising him on a moisture farm, purchased Threepio and Artoo, who'd been claimed as salvage by Jawas."
Ben looked curiously at her, and Leia realized it all sounded a little unbelievable. "I told you it was roundabout," she admitted.
"Was Threepio as annoying back then?" Ben asked, smiling a little.
"Definitely," Leia agreed, her throaty chuckle showing she was enjoying the light moment. But she grew serious again. "The idea was to get the plans to General Kenobi so that he could get them to my father on Alderaan. But he didn't get them until after the Empire learned who had purchased Artoo and Threepio, and they had murdered your great aunt and uncle. Uncle Luke and Ben Kenobi needed passage to Alderaan, and they hired your father for the job."
"In Chalmun's Spaceport Cantina," Ben added. Han had shared that part of the story with the kids. Leia had asked him not to bring up shooting Greedo, but Han could never resist. If Han had been able to grab Greedo's head, it probably would have been mounted on their living room wall. Leia was grateful that particular reminder of her husband's past was not part of the decor.
Leia smiled, but then saddened. "I only caught a glimpse of Ben Kenobi, and that was from a distance. He was struck down by that monster, Darth Vader. He sacrificed himself for your uncle, and your father and me. He made it possible for us to escape and to get the plans to the Alliance commanders. He was noble, and goodhearted, and courageous. Just like you, Ben Solo."
Ben grimaced. "Don't say stuff that's not true, Mom," he said accusingly.
Leia took his hand. "You've already shown you are those things. You can be that way." She remembered a moody but deeply affectionate little boy, who would hand her a flower, comfort her when Han had to travel, and would hug her just because.
Her son's hands were nearly as large as his father's, but right now they were trembling. Leia squeezed them in her two small ones, trying to let him know that she was with him in all manners of speaking. Ben, for his part, was amazed at how strong his mother's hands were. He shouldn't have been: those hands had fought a war, built a new government, and lovingly raised a family.
"Is that why you didn't become a Jedi?" Ben asked her.
Leia became thoughtful. "There were a lot of reasons. My father has a lot to do with it, but it's more than that."
"You still feel things through the Force, though," Ben pointed out, his tone suspicious.
"That I can't help," Leia explained. "And even though Luke and I are twins, we are very different people. Luke's chosen the path of the Jedi warrior. That was not my calling. And, quite honestly, at some level I'm afraid of the Force. I'm not comfortable with the experiences I've had with it. Sometimes they've been useful, but more often than not, I find that they've been unpleasant. I have dreams that disturb me—visions I don't want to have." Leia shook her head. "I'm not interested in learning more about it."
"Uncle Luke still bugs you to get trained," Ben pointed out.
His mother nodded. "He's lightened up over the years, because he knows how much it annoys me." She smiled a little. "Luke's path is different from mine. I was trained from a young girl on for the job I have today. I may have to consider Darth Vader to be my biological progenitor, but my real father is Bail Organa, the man that raised me. He would have been a wonderful grandfather to you; I wish you had met him."
Ben noted that his mother's eyes had misted a little. "Do you think your dad, well, okay, the one you call your 'biological progenitor,' was good once?" he asked curiously.
"Probably. Maybe. I don't know. To me he's a sperm donor and nothing more," Leia stated, irritation in her voice. Talking about Darth Vader—or Anakin Skywalker, as Luke still insisted—was never her favorite topic of conversation. "I don't care if he did repent at the end. Five minutes of regret doesn't make up for a lifetime of committing horrors and atrocities. I don't care how powerful in the Force he was."
Ben studied his mother carefully. "So..." he drew out the word. "You'd be happy without the Force, if you didn't have it?"
"I'd be just fine," Leia asserted. "To me, it's, if you'll pardon the expression, a double-edged lightsaber."
Ben laughed a little. "So you'd rather be without it." His face became serious.
"Given a choice, I'd rather be, yes," Leia said. "I thought about it a lot, for many years."
Ben's eyebrows raised up and he laughed a little. "Maybe you should let Uncle Luke work on you since he's here, anyway. But that's not the only thing that's bugging you. I can tell."
Leia sighed. "It's a number of things. I've committed myself to working for justice and liberty since I was your age and I've made my best efforts. But I'm tired."
"Tired of what?" Ben asked, scowling. "I'm tired, too."
"Of my job," Leia said softly.
Ben was about to say something snarky, but his mother's expression stopped him from uncoiling his sharp
tongue. Besides, whatever he could dish out, his mother could give back orders of magnitude better. He demurred.
Leia continued. "I did it so that the galaxy you and your sisters live in would be a place where you could grow up safe. Where you didn't have to be looking over your shoulder every time you left the apartment. Where you could be with anyone you wanted and not have to worry about security teams picking you up for no reason other than being there. I wanted you to know equality and justice and liberty."
Ben studied his mother. "Yeah, but you were gone a lot." He tried to keep the accusation in his tone mild, but it still stung Leia like a blaster bolt through her heart. She had more than her share of maternal guilt, and anyone bringing it up made her feel as if she'd been dipped in acid. Hearing it from her own son only made it even more painful. Leia hadn't believed that could be possible.
"I know I was," she said, as evenly as she could. She was not going to cry, she informed herself firmly. Her own doubts had racked her over the years; now they were coming to a head here. "And I've made a decision."
"What kind of decision?" Ben asked curiously.
Leia took a deep breath. "Your father and I have been talking about this for about a year now. I'm burnt out from my job. I've decided to retire."
Ben's face bore shock and disbelief. "What? No way. You're putting me on."
Leia smiled. "No. I'm not, sweetie. I've been doing this for twenty-five years. I'm happy that I've done what I did. But now, I want to focus on other things."
"What other things?" Ben asked her, shifting a bit uncomfortably.
"Well, I do have three kids who could probably use a little more attention," Leia said, smiling softly.
"Mom, I'm fifteen! I don't need-well, yeah, okay, maybe I do." Ben looked down, embarrassed at the very idea that he might need his mother's help. Then he looked up. "You're not doing this just because of me, are you?"
"No, sweetie, I'm not." Leia took his hand in hers-his were nearly the size of Han's now, although the fingers were slenderer. "Although I can't think of a more important reason."
Ben was quiet for a while, just sitting with Leia. She, too, maintained silence. She could sense her son coming to a decision.
After a long bout of contemplation, Ben turned to her. "Mom...I'm really scared."
"Can you tell me what of?" Leia coaxed gently.
Ben shifted. "I think...I'm gonna let Uncle Luke...I wanna go home. But I'm really scared about it. I don't know how I'm gonna be after. What if I don't get better?"
Leia closed her eyes. "I think you will, Ben. Not immediately, of course. It's going to be a huge adjustment. But I think your odds are good." She opened her eyes and met her son's steady gaze. "Your dad thinks you'll be better off, too."
Ben actually chuckled. "Dad says never tell him the odds."
Leia laughed out loud and rolled her eyes. "Your dad has a unique way of defying them."
"Well, he doesn't get the Force exactly," Ben grumbled.
"He does, more than you think. And I wouldn't bet against him. Well, there was the asteroid field…" Both laughed. For all the times the story had been told, it had become something of a family joke, even though at the time, they'd been terrified. She gave his hand a friendly squeeze. "Now there's an experience I never want you to have."
Ben laughed in agreement. "Only Dad could pull that off."
"No argument there. Although you're a good pilot yourself, you know. That opens up a lot of possibilities for you."
"I can't even think about that right now, Mom," Ben said, a bit petulantly. "I'm just thinking about…"
"I know, honey, I know. It's a pretty scary prospect." Leia rubbed his hand, then reached up to put her arm around him. Gods, he was tall! "Do you need longer to think about it?"
Ben shook his head. "No. I don't think so. I'm gonna do it." His voice shook, but there was determination in it, the sort he had inherited from both parents. In that moment, he was an Organa-Solo.
Leia had expected to feel relief at her son's decision, but now, standing before him, she was more nervous than she'd ever been. She could feel his tension flooding her, and that was on top of her own fears. But she was the mother, and it was her job to comfort her child. And despite his height and strength, he was still very much a child. Leia was going to do everything to protect him and help him.
Before they had even proposed the possibility of removing his Force sensitivities to Ben, it had seemed certain that if he didn't agree, things would not end well. Luke, the droid, even Han had seemed so sure. But now that Ben had made his choice, the future was less certain than ever.