Harry Potter was sitting on his bed, in his dormitory at Hogwarts. Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry is a school in the United Kingdom where young witches and wizards go to learn how to do magic. It is located somewhere secret way out in the country, and it's surrounded by a forest called the Forbidden Forest. Students aren't allowed in the Forbidden Forest, because lots of dangerous creatures live there, like huge gigantic spiders, and maybe werewolves, and unicorns, and in the fifth book Hagrid's half-brother who is a giant is in the forest too. Hagrid is the groundskeeper of Hogwarts, and he's a half-giant, which means his mum was a giant and his dad was a human, and he lives in a hut on the grounds near the edge of the forest and he has a big dog named Fang, a Boarhound. Fang seems really vicious, but he's really a coward, as we learn in Book One.

So anyway, Harry was sitting on his bed, and he decided he was really hungry, so he got up. Ron asked him where he was going. Ron is one of Harry's two best friends, and he has red hair and freckles. Ron is afraid of spiders and really likes candy. When he's not at Hogwarts he lives with his family, which includes Fred and George (who are twins), Percy, Charlie, Bill, his parents Molly and Arthur, and Ginny. Harry and Ginny get married later, but for the purposes of this story they are not. Fred dies in the last book, but right now he's still alive. Doctor Who cried when he read Book Seven. Fred loves jokes and he has a joke shop that he owns with his brother George. Their shop is in Diagon Alley, which is a street that only witches and wizards can get to, and it's full of all kinds of wizard shops, like Ollivander's, where they sell wands, and Gringotts the wizard bank. You get to Diagon Alley by going through a secret passageway in the Leaky Cauldron, which is a seedy little pub located in London.

Anyway, their joke shop is located in Diagon Alley, and it's called Weasley's Wizard Wheezes, and they sell things like Skiving Snackboxes, which have all kinds of candy that you eat so you can skip school, like Puking Pastilles (which make you puke) and another one called Nosebleed Nougat that makes you get a nosebleed. George also owns the shop with Fred. He loses his ear in book seven when a Death Eater casts a curse at him. Death Eaters are what followers of Lord Voldemort call themselves. Lord Voldemort used to go to Hogwarts and his name was Tom Marvolo Riddle, but he eventually became evil and now wants to exterminate all non-purebloods. He is the child of a Muggle (who is a non-magic person) and a witch, and his witch mum had tricked the Muggle into having a child with her. When Voldemort's mother finally gave birth, she died and he ended up being raised in an orphanage. He tortured other kids there and stole things. He was also a descendant of Salizar Slytherin who founded the Slytherin house in Hogwarts, and because of this, he knew Parselmouth, which means that he is able to talk to snakes. Harry can talk to snakes too, since when he was one year old, Voldemort tried to kill him but was unable to do so because his mother sacrificed herself for Harry, which put a sort of magic charm around Harry. Some of Voldemort's power was transferred over to Harry when he tried to kill him. The curse rebounded upon Voldemort, causing him to become very weak, near the point of death. It was believed for many years in the wizarding community that Voldemort was dead.

Anyway, Harry said to Ron, "I'm going downstairs to get some food, because I'm hungry." Ron said, "Oh, cool. Say, have you seen Hermione?" Hermione is another one of Harry's friends. Hermione is hot for Ron, but Ron doesn't know that. Hermione has bushy brown hair and prominent front teeth, and likes to read books. She owns a cat named Crookshanks, who is a ginger cat with a smushed face, and is kind of magic. She has Muggle parents and is a know it all. A lot of kids often called her a Mudblood, which is a derogatory term for people who have Muggle parents.

So anyway, Harry replied to Ron that no, he had not seen Hermione recently. He walked out into the common room, which had a large fireplace and big squashy armchairs. The room was decorated in red and gold, which are the house colours of Gryffindor, the house that Harry, Ron and Hermione are in. There are four houses in Hogwarts: Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, Slytherin, and Gryffindor. When new students arrive at Hogwarts, the Sorting Hat assigns them to a house depending upon their personality. Gryffindors are brave, Ravenclaws are clever, Hufflpuffs are loyal and hard working, and Slytherins have ambition, and are generally mean.

Harry crawled outside of the portrait that was like a door to the common room. In order to get back in, you have to tell the woman in the picture a password that only Gryffindors know, and the password changes every so often.

Harry walked down the hallway where he saw Draco Malfoy picking on some first years. Malfoy is a Slytherin, and Harry's sort of rival. They hate each other, and usually argue. Malfoys parents, Lucius and Narcissa, are strong Death Eaters, and know The Dark Lord. At the present moment, Lucius was in Azkaban, which is a wizard prison. It's guarded by Dementors, which can suck the life out of you with a 'Dementor's Kiss'. They are tall hooded figures dressed in black, and they float. Whenever one is near you, you feel very sad—like all the happiness has gone out of the world—and everything gets cold. Lucius was arrested at the end of Book Five for breaking into the Ministry of Magic, which is basically the wizarding government. The Minister for Magic at the time was Cornelius Fudge.

Anyways, the Malfoys are a very rich pureblood family, which means they're an old wizarding family, and have no Muggle blood in their veins at all. Purebloods often consider themselves far superior to Muggle-borns ("Mudbloods") or half-bloods. Hermione, for example, has Muggle parents, and so Malfoy is always calling her a Mudblood with his trademark sneer. It's generally a swear word in the wizarding world.

Malfoy's girlfriend Pansy Parkinson walked over to him. Pansy is a minor character and generally doesn't do much. Harry grimaced as they began to make out, which is kissing with tongues, and passed them as he walked down the stairs. He made his way to the Great Hall, which is like a big cafeteria. The ceiling is bewitched to look like the sky outside—for example, if it were cloudy, the ceiling would appear cloudy. Many holiday decorations are put up in the Great Hall year round, and Dumbledore gives speeches here. A long table at the front is where all the teachers sit. Each house has their own table.

Harry noticed there was no food left over from dinner, so he decided to just go to the kitchen. He walked down another hallway towards where the kitchen was. He passed some paintings which had moving people in them. This is quite common in the wizarding world, as all posters and pictures have moving people in them. Harry came to the stairs, which also moved around, depending on which day of the week it is, or whatever they feel like doing. He found the one that went to where he was going. He saw his friend Neville Longbottom. Neville is in Gryffindor along with Harry, but is known for not being so brave. He has a toad named Trevor, and he lives with his Grandmother when not at Hogwarts, because his parents were driven insane by Bellatrix Lestrange and the sexy Barty Crouch Jr, the Death Eaters. They tortured them for information, but never got any. Neville's parents now live in St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries, and Neville visits them sometimes with his Gran. St. Mungo's is a hospital for wizards.

Harry waved to Neville and walked past him. He eventually found the kitchen and stepped inside. He saw numerous House Elves. House Elves are tiny creatures which are magically bound to serve their masters, and can only be set free when their master presents them with proper clothes. Until then, the House Elf must do whatever its master says, no matter how badly it wishes not to do so. House elves usually wear things like old pillow cases and tea towels.

Harry asked for a sandwich and a House Elf handed him one. Sandwiches are delicious food items made from bread, and slices of meat. They can also have vegetables in them, and mustard or other such condiments. Harry bit into his sandwich happily and savoured it. He was not hungry anymore. All was well in Hogwarts. And Barty Crouch Jr was still sexy.

The End

Author's Notes: Co-authored with Adriana DiVolpe

So if you made it this far, you've probably gathered that this was a joke. We were prompted by a comment from another fandom, in which the reviewer asked for more detalied explanation of the characters. This is fanfiction. We all already know the characters that are being written about. Unnecessary detail is just annoying, as we have proven. I congratulate you on making it to the end of this story, unless you just skimmed down, in which case, go back and read it. You will probably LOL now that you know it's a joke.

PS: Barty Crouch Jr is still sexy.