A/N: I'm a little out of practice writing Kingdom Hearts, so I apologize if my facts are a little screwy. Written as a birthday present for Zexion of the Twilight. A lot of inspiration for their crackface!characters was taken from the Chain of Memories manga.
Perpetual night shimmered in the sky above, naught but a glowing mass of Hearts illuminating the empty streets and deserted buildings that was the sprawling city of The World That Never Was. Within the stark white walls of a certain edifice lurked the elusive, enigmatic members of that most mysterious of organizations, Organization XIII. Their mission: to collect Hearts by any means necessary. A band of ruthless, emotionless villains committed to reaching their goal no matter what the cost.
"Come on, Roxas, it'll be fun!"
The youngest of them, Number XIII himself, stared blankly into the shining emerald eyes of his best friend. "No," he said simply, shifting on the white couch to peer around Number VIII, Axel, and return his attention to the video game paused on the large television screen.
Axel crossed his thin arms and all but pouted. "His birthday is coming up, so we have to do something."
"Do Nobodies even have birthdays?" Roxas asked disinterestedly.
"Yes!" As if he had just been waiting for him to ask, Axel whipped a sheet of paper from a pocket within his long black trench coat. "The day upon which one becomes a Nobody shall be referred to as the 'birthday,'" he read aloud, waving the paper before Roxas's face. "Therefore, as it is, by definition, a birthday, birthdays require the giving of gifts."
"All right, let's assume for the moment that I'm willing to go along with your crazy scheme... what would you get him?" Roxas tapped the video game controller against his leg impatiently.
At a loss for words, Axel only stared blankly. "A... book?" he asked finally.
He resisted the urge to smack the controller against his forehead. "But what kind of book? If you get him something he doesn't like..."
Axel shuddered, remembering the last time their prospective subject had been angry. They'd all walked through what they thought were doors only to run headfirst into walls for a week. Defeated, he slumped onto the couch beside Roxas and rested his head in his hands. "I just wanted to do something different," he pouted unhappily. "I'm bored."
Wordlessly, Roxas offered him the controller, but Axel didn't move. Then, with a burst of what would have appeared to be excitement on a human but on a Nobody was nothing but a hollow remembrance, he lunged to his feet with something vaguely akin to triumph. "We just have to steal that book he's always reading and see what it's about!"
"...and that's safer than getting him something he doesn't like?" Roxas muttered incredulously.
"A plan, a plan, we need a plan!" Axel clapped his hands together absently as he stared into the blank white wall pensively. "He's a master manipulator, so we just have to out-manipulate the manipulator!"
"We?" he repeated under his breath. With a regretful glance toward the blinking television screen, he set down the controller and shut off the game. If Axel was going to go through with this, Roxas would have to go along to make sure it actually succeeded.
-xXx-
Plan A
A diminutive figure strode silently down the immaculate white corridor, his black robes flapping around him, his nose buried in a book. He sniffed once, sighed, and closed the book, turning to face a swirl of darkness materializing behind him. "You want something?"
"Zexion! I fear I have uncovered a diabolical plot against you!" Elegant pink hair flowing down his shoulders, Marluxia placed a single, manicured hand upon the younger man's shoulder and offered him a rose.
Zexion glanced with distaste at the hand, then the rose. "You want something?" he repeated, unwilling to hide his distain as he shrugged off Marluxia's hand and stepped back.
"Oh, my dearest Number Six, I must implore your attention for the briefest of moments." Marluxia clapped his hands together, eyes sparkling. "Numbers Eight and Thirteen are plotting to– Hurk!" He lunged backward, a shining yellow kunai knife shooting through the air between them.
Electricity sparking from her hands, Larxene stalked down the hall with a vengeance. "Mar-lux-i-a," she growled angrily. "We have to talk."
"But my dearest Larxene, what seems to be the problem?" Frantically backpedaling, he didn't even notice Zexion shake his head and vanish into the darkness.
Fortunately, Larxene did, and stopped. "Well, that plan failed," she observed indifferently. "Oh well."
Hand clutched to his heart, Marluxia only stared blankly as she similarly dissipated. "But... she told me... to tell him about the plan..." he protested weakly to the empty air.
Several floors up, Larxene bowed her head in mock sadness. "I'm afraid plan 'Distract Him With Epic Battle Between Marluxia and Larxene' has failed."
With an irritated sigh, Axel leaned back against the couch and pretended to examine his fingernails through the gloves. "You've failed me for the last time, Larxene," he stated coldly.
"Idiot, like that matters to me." Darkness swirled, and she disappeared.
"Execute Plan 'Delicious Treat'!" Axel pounded his fist on the arm of the couch without concern for the hasty departure of Number XII. "Roxas!"
"Right..."
-xXx-
Plan B
Seated at a table in the library, Zexion pursued through piles of books scattered haphazardly before him. He sniffed once, twice, and frowned. Chocolate... chips?
"Zexion, Zexion!"
He squeezed his eyes shut in irritation, the familiar scent of Number VII filling his nose despite wishes to the contrary. Close behind him followed Number IV.
"Zexion, you must try this," Vexen stated coolly. "This may even be better than my homemade pickles."
Zexion's right eye twitched. "Vexen, I never liked your homemade pickles."
"You never... liked...?" Vexen's lower lip trembled pathetically as Demyx lunged before him bearing a plate of warm cookies.
"I'll hold your book while you try–"
"Number Seven," Zexion cut him off coldly. "Do you have any idea what happened to the unfortunate soul who smeared food on one of the books in this library?"
Wordlessly, he shook his head.
"Would you like to be the first to find out?" The smaller man stared up emotionlessly from the table without moving. Contained within that single visible eye, Number VII found more contained hatred than he'd ever thought possible.
Demyx shook his head quickly and backed away. He placed a comforting hand on Vexen's shoulder and led the heartbroken older man from the library.
-xXx-
Plan C
"Zexion, I've finished this volume of manga. Would you like to borrow it?"
Without even looking up from his own book, Zexion shook his head.
Lexaeus shrugged indifferently. "Do you think I could borrow that book you're reading?"
No answer.
The Silent Hero shrugged again and left. He'd tried, so it didn't really matter to him whether he succeeded or not as long Number VIII would be off his back... however, he was a little disturbed to find that he wasn't the quietest one in the conversation.
-xXx-
Plan D
"Bet you your book that your year of birth doubled is an even number!" Luxord offered his most disarming grin and spread his hands. "What do you say? It's 50:50 odds!"
"The year of anyone's birth doubled is an even number," Zexion responded drily, closing the book on the table and setting it off to the side. He pulled his normal book from an inner pocket and began to read. "Any number doubled is even."
-xXx-
Plan E
Minor Nobodies swirled around the motionless figure of the Cloaked Schemer as Xigbar sighted in with his gun. "Tell us about the book, Number Six!" he ordered. Saïx roared with imagined rage as he slammed his claymore into the ground, opening the way for Xaldin to flip one of his lance over and hurl it at the younger Nobody. With a sickening crunch, it penetrated all the way through, cloth and darkness flying everywhere.
"Whoa whoa whoa, Xaldin!" Xigbar lowered his gun and dismissed the Nobodies. "You killed him!" He leapt down from the upper balcony of the library's second floor and rushed toward the still body leaking darkness. "Aww man, Superior's gonna be mad..." He peeled away the shredded black robes to see a Dusk writhing in pain finally disintegrate.
"It wasn't him," was all Xaldin said.
-xXx-
"I'm going insane!" Axel pressed his fingertips into his scalp and screamed as Saïx, Xigbar, and Xaldin bowed out after reporting their failure. "This man is driving me to the brink!"
Roxas blinked, his video game controller again in hand. "Don't you think you're being a little overdramatic?"
"Who's left, who's left..." Muttering feverishly to himself, Axel counted on his fingers. "We used Larxene, Marluxia, Demyx, Vexen, Lexaeus, Luxord, Xigbar, Xaldin, Saïx... we can't use Superior, he'll be furious... That leaves... that leaves..."
"There is no one else left," Roxas finished with a shrug. "Oh well."
"No! There is one more way!" Axel dropped his hands, eyes wide with a fevered gleam.
-xXx-
Plan F
"Yo, Zexion... you busy?"
Zexion shook his head and shut his book. "If you can make it quick and not inane. What is it you want, Number Eight, Number Thirteen?"
"Whatdoyouwantforyourbirthday?" Axel muttered quickly, refusing to meet his eyes.
"Pardon?"
Roxas sighed. "Axel wants to get you a present for what he's decided is your birthday. What is that book you're reading about so we know what to get?"
The Cloaked Schemer leaned back in his chair and stared pensively at the ceiling. "If you want to get me a present... I would like... to be left alone."
Axel shuddered at the glare shot at him as the smaller man continued, "Do you have any idea how much ridiculousness I've had to endure because of your half-baked plans? Over one thousand, five hundred and eighty words worth!"
"One thousand... five hundred and eighty?" Roxas repeated quietly. Where was he getting that number?
"So if you're that determined to give me a present, leave me alone. No cookies, no battles, no bets." Zexion reopened his book and resumed reading. "Starting now would be acceptable."
Roxas bowed deeply and grabbed the back of Axel's coat, dragging him from the room. "But we never found out what he was reading," Number Eight protested weakly.
"It doesn't matter anymore." Roxas carefully shut the door to the library and breathed a sigh of relief. "If that's all he wants, we'll give it to him."
"But... birthday...?"
"Just give it up, Axel. It's better that way."
-xXx-
Zexion paused and sniffed the air. Nothing. He was finally alone. Laughing quietly to himself, he dropped the book on the table, letting its pages fly open.
The leaves of parchment fluttered gently from the impact, opening wide down the middle.
They were blank.
With a soft chuckle, Zexion left the phony book on the table and removed his real book from an innermost pocket, already flipping through its worn pages to find just the right illusion to inflict upon Number VIII.
A member of a band of the most ruthless criminals, after all, still had to have a happy birthday.