The Most Badass

A Hobbit Fanfic

Once upon a time there was a eleven king who was so badass that all he had to do was sit on his throne because he didn't have to show he was badass, he just was, ya know? It radiated of his skin like pure starlight, except instead of starlight it was simply badassness. His name was Thranduil and not only was he the most badass elf to ever elf, he was in fact the hottest. Because he was so hot and badass, he was also incredibly cool, like a walking paradox of sexy and sexier. He also had a son, who tried to be as badass as his father, but failed because that was a quest doomed from the beginning, it is kind of like trying to just walk into Mordor….(lolz I'm so funny.) This son's name was Legolas and at this very moment he was back-flipping up to the throne.

"Yo Daddy", he said as soon as he had back-flipped in to position, sticking the landing like the perfect ten he was, "some dwarves have like broken in and stuff." He finished his sentence by lighting an elf equivalent to a cigarette and flipping his hair. I'm so badass. He thought for sure that Thranduil would think so too, after all he'd been practicing his entrance all week.

"God Legolas, stop trying so hard. Why can't you stop acting badass and start being badass?" Tranquil smirked in his direction, letting him know he had been bested. Clearly Thranduil was too badass to think about the failings of his son, and there was no way anyone could know how much it hurt him that his son fell short on that area. Through a mask of coldness he hid his pain and in his most awesome voice said "Let me show you how it's done, bring in the dwarf king what's-his-name…" Thranduil waved his hand to signal to his son to leave. Legolas parkquored out of the room. The elven-king thought about his sick burn about Thorin, he might of smiled about his own cleverness, but that would be most un-badass, so he smirked instead.

The smelly dwarf king said some stuff Thranduil didn't care about and so he insulted him and then like the total badass he was he got somebody else to throw them in jail. Just then Legolas came in riding on a unicorn. He looked up, trying to smirk just like his father, but falling short because he just didn't have the badassness coursing through his veins, "Yo Daddy, what if I married Tauriel?"

"Legolas, that is why you will never be badass, because you can think of something as stupid as that." Thranduil sounded cold and uncaring about, but inside his heart was breaking. Why couldn't his son just carry on the legacy of badassness? Was this tough love really the way to fix it? Thranduil didn't know the answer, but also didn't know any other way. Legolas lunged out of the room firing arrows into targets. Every single one was a bullseye.

A few hours later Legolas came in fighting Orcs with one arm tied behind his back. Not even out of breath, after the last Orc fell, he said in his most nonchalant voice "Tauriel has run off to be with dwarves like the lame ass bitch she is, should I go get her?"

"For God's sake yes, she is an embarrassment to all elf kind, bring her back." Thranduil was getting really tired of Tauriel's bullshit, but he managed to keep his cool, because of course he did, badasses never lose control.

Legolas succeeded in his mission and after Tauriel returned, he turned to his father, expecting him to be proud and asked "Am I badass now?"

"You could live ten-thousand years and still not be a badass like me…" Legless walked sadly out of the room, his spirit broken, but knowing in his heart that his father was right. As Legolas turned away, Thranduil, made sure no one could see and allowed himself a single badass man tear. Where had he gone wrong? This heartbreak would only add to the badassness and create a vicious cycle of heartbreak and new levels of badassness. This was his curse.