Eh, heh, heh . . . moo.

Insert universal disclaimer here.

Words of Wisdom

By AStormIsBrewing

There were few things in this world that Edward Elric could not understand. Or so he thought. The one at the forefront of his mind was this: "How did you know it was me?!" as his most recent disguise, stilts and all, had failed.

Lust sighed, rubbing her temples, the stoic expression she usually sported exchanged for one of frustration. "Do you really want to know?"

Essentially, Edward's rant translated roughly to "Yes." Lust closed her eyes against the stream of curses, wishing she could do the same for her poor bleeding ears. Would she have to use a death every time this brat opened his mouth?

"Honestly, I don't know where you got your manners. No matter where you are or what disguise you're wearing, you always put your weenis on the table when you masticate. Your posture is unique and totally recognizable."

Slump. Thunk.

"What's wrong, Lust?" Gluttony poked Ed's unmoving form with a chubby finger. "Is he dead? Can I eat him?"

"Please, Chubby," Envy muttered, sauntering forward to stand next to his siblings. "Women like Lust don't talk about weenises and mastication without getting some kind of physical reaction from guys. Isn't that right, Lust?"

"Whatever."

Gluttony watched the homoculus in confusion as she walked out of the room, her natural gait causing her hips to sway hypnotically. The sin looked up at Envy. "What's masticating mean?"

"Come on, Gluttony, you do it all the time!" The supposedly unconscious alchemist in the corner twitched. "I mean, you're around Lust all the time, so you don't have to be masticating all by your self! You could throw yourselves a party!"

"Party?"

Ed was, of course, awake, and hearing another word that ended with '-y.'

"Yeah, you could invite a bunch of other people, like that muscle-y weirdo or Scarface or that Mustang guy from central! He could be the main course!"

Ed's face was turned away from the homoculi, but that was no help; Gluttony licked his lips loudly.

"Seriously, how did that guy get his name? It's like fate or something! Here he's got more than half the female population of the world hanging off him, and his last name means something like 'horny wild horse with a harem of girls at his beck and call.' His pretty little nickname probably has more to do with his sex appeal than his skill with — "

"Are you two coming or what?" Lust had returned, stoicism back in place.

"Yeah, just a minute." Envy looked down at his handiwork. The Full Metal pipsqueak was foaming at the mouth, a look of horror plastered across his face. Come on, he had to have known this about the guy. "I think I broke his brain."

"Just so long as you don't break his arms. He needs them for Alchemy." Envy opened his mouth to say something else, but Lust cut him off again. "And if you keep that up, he's gonna barf all over you, and then what would you do? Scream like the little girl you are? We need him alive."

"And conscious, which is why you should take your sexual euphemisms and stuff them up that perfectly-shaped ass of yours — " Envy subconsciously transformed his own posterior into the higher standard he saw in the female homoculus — "and get the sacrifices ready. I wanna be a real boy as much as the rest of you!"

"Are you sure that's the right gender?"

In the battle that followed, Edward had the good sense to regain consciousness and vamoose, though he took his sweet old time getting back to Central. Once there, he could never look at Colonel Mustang or his aides the same way again, wondering how many of them were actually girls in disguise and what they really did while he was away.

Thus, Edward Elric, teenage alchemic genius and breaker of taboo, custom, and logic, was guilty of the most heinous sin of all: possession of a teenage imagination.

After all, Lust will be Lust, and I guess you know why this is rated what it is.

A/N : I live!! I realize I haven't posted anything in an age and all of you are probably wondering where the ent wives have gone, and why I haven't posted anything for my other supposedly incomplete stories . . . such as There Are Many Paths.

Just know that it is getting written, and the second chapter is always the worst to write. Stuff actually has to happen.

And I hate writing for the main characters!! HATE IT!! Main characters are awful, as a rule or something. I even hate the main characters for my original works! The minor characters are so much more interesting.

And I have an addiction to ridiculous humor . . . which this is, or at least my attempt at it. Woohoo for fandom experimentation!

Please review and thank you!