Disclaimer: JK's world is JK's. (ButI love playing with it!)
SPOILERS HBP.
HBP According to Rita Skeeter
Chapter 1
(London) After a scandal-infested reelected term filled with resignations, defeat in the Commons, and disagreements over European political issues, Muggle Prime Minister John Major's hope for yet another Tories victory in next May's general election is dashed.
Instead, the Prime Minister has turned to constant tête-à-têtes with former Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge, doubtless asking the Minister for advice on how to deal with post-resignation loss.
For unknown reasons, the Other Minister was advised to stay away from Dementors.
"That's right. And they're breeding," said former Minister Fudge.
The Other Minister could not be reached for comment.
Chapter 2
(Spinner's End) The alleged Dementor epidemic appears to leave Spinner's End, a largely Muggle-populated town, entirely unscathed. The only activity in the vicinity was an unplanned meeting between suspected Death Eaters Severus Snape, Narcissa Malfoy, and Bellatrix Lestrange.
Upon closer inspection, The Daily Prophet confirms that the meeting was nothing more than a spontaneous game of alcoholic Truth or Dare. Much red wine was imbibed, interspersed with rounds of gameplay.
Hogwarts professor Severus Snape was lackluster as a daredevil, choosing Truth over Dare various times, disclosing the inner workings of the Death Eater organisation to his gamemates in painful details.
The game ended when Narcissa Malfoy could not withstand her gamemates' repeated taunts of "Cissy!" (a Muggle jargon that ridicules one's lack of courage) and took upon herself the dare to make an Unbreakable Vow with Severus Snape, to which the professor readily agreed.
No winner was declared for the game.
Chapter 3
(Surrey) The Daily Prophet's trip up to Number Four, Privet Drive—Harry Potter's boyhood home—authenticated once and for all that Hogwarts Headmaster Albus Dumbledore's favourite jam is raspberry.
Contrary to popular belief, raspberry, or Rubus idaeus, is not a berry, but a composite fruit. A highly effective fever reducing agent, raspberries have been used by Muggles to concoct fever-reduction and cough-suppressing potions, which they call "syrup." Such raspberry flavoured medicine is rumoured to be quite tasty.
It is an open secret that Harry Potter was not treated well by his Muggle relatives, denied such simple pleasures as raspberry syrup. But Harry was fortunate in this instance.
Dudley Dursley, Harry Potter's cousin, appeared to suffer from raspberry syrup overconsumption.
"The best that can be said is that he has at least escaped the appalling damage you have inflicted upon the unfortunate boy sitting between you," said Albus Dumbledore to Petunia and Vernon Dudley of Harry Potter, while eyeing a rotund and raspberry medicine oversaturated Dudley Dursley.
Chapter 4
(Budleigh Babberton) Hogwarts Headmaster Albus Dumbledore and Harry Potter were spotted outside the home of former Hogwarts professor and Head of House, Horace Slughorn, yesterday.
Reason for Professor Slughorn's resignation many years ago was unclear. Some said that his conduct around a select group of students—both male and female, but particularly male—was highly questionable and led to his eventual dismissal from Hogwarts.
If the speculation is correct, then at least the current Horace Slughorn is a reformed wizard. "There was no need to stick the wand in that hard," said an obviously out-of-practise Slughorn to Headmaster Dumbledore. "It hurt."
Slughorn seemed to have taken a liking to Harry Potter, a very attractive boy. If Slughorn indeed returns to teach at Hogwarts this year, there will be no dispute as to the compelling reason that drives his return.
Chapter 5
(The Burrow) The Ministry of Magic recently announced the creation of a new department—Office for the Detection and Confiscation of Counterfeit Defensive Spells and Protective Objects. Former head of the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office, Arthur Weasley, was appointed head of this new department.
The Daily Prophet is unsure of Mr. Weasley's competence in his new post. He seems to lack the passion he used to have for his former position.
When asked what his life ambition was, Mr. Weasley replied without hesitation: "To find out how airplanes stay up."
Perhaps Arthur Weasley is better off remaining in the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office.
On a lighter note, Molly Weasley, wife of Arthur Weasley, appears to have taken up a part-time job: matchmaking (or, in her son Bill Weasley's case, matchbreaking).
Auror Nymphadora Tonks has been spotted as a frequent guest to the Burrow—the Weasley home—an apparent effort on Mrs. Weasley's part to pair her up with one of her many sons.
On the matchbreaking front, arguments abound daily between Mrs. Weasley and Fleur Delacour, Bill Weasley's fiancée.
"Yes, well, your father and I were made for each other," Mrs. Weasley said defensively to her children. "Whereas Bill and Fleur… well… what have they got in common?"
In support of every witch and wizard's freedom of choice, The Daily Prophet is offering "I support Bill/Fleur" wizarding T-shirts for fifteen sickles each. Owl post orders only, please.
NdA: It will be more ...soon.