I have it all figured out.
My boyfriend is the one.
I have my university picked out.
My family is like a well oiled machine.
Mistakes can never be an option.
I have to keep everything going, there is no room for a downfall.
I'm popular, pretty, kind and smart, most people would describe me as.
Why do I feel like I'm missing something in my life?
I'm desperate to figure it out, but I still feel so empty inside.
Everyone tells me that I'm so perfect, and asks me how I do it all. If only they knew the work and effort I put in everyday when I have that smile plastered on my face.
"I'm not perfect." I answer them, far from it actually. I keep the second part in my head.
I know that one day I will fall apart. I feel as if everyone will one day see right through me to see the person that I never want to be. Imperfection is my downfall.
I fight everyday of my life to make sure that every hair is in place, every breath is even, every smile is at the right angle. Anything imperfect is immediately broken down to be perfect in every way. Adam and I have been together for 2 years. He thinks I'm the perfect girl. He is so perfect as well, I never have to fix anything about him. We both strive for absolute perfection in everything. He does it because his parents are always on his case. I do it because I feel as though the person I really am doesn't exist anymore, this is who I am now. Who I'll always be. Every single day is the same. I get all the jealous looks from those imperfect girls who's lives are not a lie. They all have normal emotions, their smiles real. Sometimes I wish I could be like them, have real feelings and a voice. I'm so hollow. I don't even feel like I'm real. I feel like a ghost occupying this body. Sometimes I wonder if I even have feelings. I just am in a constant state of numbness. All know they all want to be me, but I wish I could tell them that everything about me is a lie. For all I know, I don't even have feelings for Adam. If everyone knew what it was like to be perfect, they would never want to be me.
"Delilah!" I heard my name being called from behind me and I turned around making sure my smile was in its place.
"Hey," Adam said catching up to me, the same perfect smile on his face," How was your weekend?"
"Good," I said as he slid his arm around my waist," I missed you." I lied. "I missed you too." He said smiling at me, then he leaned down and pecked me quick on the lips. I felt absolutely nothing when he did that.
At lunch, we sat at what kids would call the popular table. Adam and I sat in the center where everyone liked to focus on us.
"Your hair is so nice today!," Farah, the head cheerleader, stoked her bleach blond hair and pouted," I wish my hair was as perfect as yours."
"Thanks," I said crossing legs under the table," Your hair looks different.. Did you dye it lighter?" "Yeah," She said smiling at me," Thanks for noticing."
I smiled back at her and began to pretend to listen to what ever she had to say. I perfected the art of smiling and nodding at all the right times. As she was talking, something, or rather somebody, caught my eye. He walked past our table, just behind Farah. I had never seen him before. I watched as he passed. He was so imperfect, it scared me. His dark brown hair was messy and too long in the front where it covered his eyes. His sweater was baggy and looked like it had seem better days. I squirmed in my seat. Farah stopped talking and followed my line of sight.
"New kid," She said," What a mess that boy is. I heard he got kicked out of his last four schools for dealing and smoking drugs on school property. Like, can you say stoner? I passed by his locker and it already smells like a weed mart."
"Wow," Adam said joining in," Someone should get him some help. Do you know his name? I should refer him to my dad's old rehab clinic."
"Yeah," Farah said, what didn't she know?," It's Jules Paxton." Thats a cool name, I thought. Wait, what? I shook the thought away and nodded as Adam began to talk about how his dad saved countless people from their addictions each year when he worked at this clinic. Farah smiled at Adam and shrugged as he asked her what grade he was in.
"Not sure," She said," it's his first day, and I only heard some people talking about him in the halls... I haven't had classes with him yet so I'm not sure." I shrugged and Adam glanced over at Jules," If I have classes with him I'm going to talk to him.. Maybe even see what..."
His voice slowly faded out in my mind as I studied Jules. He was so imperfect, it was almost as if he did it on purpose. I wanted, no needed to know why he did that to himself. Why he would want to be so imperfect. That day, it just so happened that in last period, Jules walked in.
"Guess that answers my question." Said Farah as she watched him take a seat at the back. "I wonder if Adam had the chance to talk to him yet." I said to her as she turned back around to face me. She laughed," Like he would EVER talk to someone like that. Are you kidding me!"
I smiled and shrugged," Yeah you're right.. He probably forgot all about it by now."
"Exactly," She said," Oh here he comes." Farah and I watched as Jules walked passed us, and Farah smirked when he walked back to his seat.
"I wonder what his eyes look like," She said still smirking," Or if he even has eyes." I faked a laugh and she smiled. Ms. Halhen began her lessen and we all quieted down. I wrote the notes down off the board and Farah passed me a note.
"I can smell him from hereeeeee!:p" It said. I pretended to hold in a laugh and wrote," I know right?:p" and handed it back to her. "He's such a waste:p why is he even here? He should just go smoke and waste his life away somewhere else." The note said that she passed back to me. She was right. He is ruining his life but if he is, why even come to school? Why not just waste your life away somewhere else, rather than school. "He's trash." I wrote back. She nodded her agreement as Ms. Halhen passed between us.
"Please no more note passing girls." She said quietly as she passed. The thing about teachers was that they didn't really care what you did if you were perfect. I usually got off with warnings if I did something unusual like pass a note, which barely ever happened. Ms. Hahn liked to make random groups for discussions and put us into pairs for projects. Usually Farah begged her to put us together when we didn't get put together. Ms. Hahn hated to be begged and always turned Farah down, but she didn't turn me down if I asked.
"Alright," Ms. Hahn said clapping her hands together," Since we are just about to start Hamlet, I have decided to put you in groups of two, with someone you don't know to get things mixed up. The project is going to be a summary on what you know about hamlet before and after reading it." She paced back and forth in front of her desk. "Okay," She said picking up the attendance," Let's put…. Farah and Michael… Aaron and Rachel… Michelle and Jeanine… Lorrie- Anne and Kayla… Bryson and Amanda… Jules and Delilah…" Her voice faded out of my hearing. I am not partnering with… Him. Farah instantly looked at me, her eyes wide. She mouthed something at me but Ms. Hahn stepped in between us so I couldn't see. As soon as Ms. Hahn stopped talking, Farah stood up and I followed.
"Ms. Hahn," I said already guessing what Farah wanted to say," Is it okay if you put Jules with Michael, and Farah and I pair up?" "It's just that Delilah and I would work very well together as you know," Farah said," And we don't know if we can work well with anyo-" "What Farah is trying to say," I said already knowing that what Farah was saying wasn't working," Is that there is some issues going on in her life and she needs to be with me right now." Just a little lie. Ms. Hahn raised her eyebrows at me and I mouthed boyfriend. Ms. Hahn nodded, then sighed," I would help you girls," She said honestly," But I don't think it would be fair to the other students. You two always get put together while the other students have to deal with working with someone new." She had a point, but there was no way I was going anywhere near Jules. "Please," I begged," Just this last time." Farah smiled her "pretty-please?" smile and Ms. Hahn chuckled. "Sorry girls," Ms. Hahn said," But next time you will be put together, I promise."
It's not next time that matters, I thought, I am so screwed. Farah and I turned away from Ms. Hahn's desk and she sighed.
"Well," She said," It was worth a try.. I will be praying for you." I sighed and looked over at Jules. He was staring, well I couldn't really tell because I couldn't see his eyes, out the window while drumming his desk. What do I do? Just walk up to him? Shake his hand? No thanks. I don't want to touch that. I think his earphones are in anyways, I thought. I turned back around to face Ms. Hahn's desk.
"Ms.?," I asked and she looked up from her book," Can I go to the washroom?" She nodded and I quickly got out of there. My plan was to stay in the bathroom for as long as I could before it looked like I skipped. When I got there, I looked at myself in the mirror. You can do this, I thought, He's gross but just think about how you'll be praised for standing his presence. I took a deep breath and rolled my shoulders back, stood up straight. Perfect is possible, I repeated in my head, perfect is possible, you are so close to perfect. Almost there. I caught a wisp of hair out of place and brushed it behind my ear.
You are a lie.
A voice said in my head.
I'm not going to let you do this to yourself.
A liar.
You're no one.
Idiot.
Stupid.
I shuddered at my own thoughts. Sometimes they came into my mind and try to distraught me, but I'm stronger than that. I will never be real. I know I am a lie, but it's better than being who I am meant to be. I left the washroom a little earlier then I had planned and walked, as slowly as I could, back to class. I stood beside the door for a minute and took a deep breath. Just think how above him you are, I thought, don't even worry about it. No you're not. I ignored my thoughts and walked into the class. Ms. Hahn handed me a paper as I walked in, it had a chart on it and some stuff about Hamlet. I grabbed a pen off my desk and passed by Farah who gave me a thumbs up, but looked horribly sad for me. I guided my way around the desks and finally made my way to Jules. He looked up at me as I came over and pulled his one earphone out of his ear.
"Hey," I said," I'm Delilah, guess were working on this project together.."
He shook his hair out of his eyes- Wow. He had nice eyes," Hey, yeah, I'm Jules as you probably already know.." I nodded and sat down in the desk in front of him. I handed him the sheet that we had to work on.
"I already read Hamlet," He said," Lucky for you."
"You did?" I asked, truly surprised. He looked like he would never even pick up a book.
"Yeah," He said," In my old school. We went ahead since I was in AP English." He was in AP English? No. Way.
"Guess that's good for me," I said shrugging," I don't even know what it is about."
"Well," He said," Prince Hamlet mourns both his father's death and his mother, Queen Gertrude's remarriage to Claudius. The ghost of Hamlet's father appears to him and tells him that Claudius has poisoned him. Hamlet swears revenge. He kills the eavesdropping Polonius, the court chamberlain. Polonius's son Laertes returns to Denmark to avenge his father's death. Polonius's daughter Ophelia loves the Prince but his behavior drives her to madness. Ophelia dies by drowning. A duel takes place and ends with the death of Gertrude, Laertes, Claudius, and Hamlet." I raised my eyebrows, and he smirked. "Just a quick summary," He said," But it's a pretty good book. I would suggest you read it."
I nodded, sort of lost that he said all of that. And he didn't smell like weed, actually.. He smelled pretty good… What am I thinking? He probably sprays himself to disguise the scent or something.