Warning: character death
"Closed eyes, heart not beating, but a living love."
~ Avis Corea
The tone of the heart monitor rings in her ears, the length between beeps steadily growing. She holds his hand, trying to focus on anything but the way his skin is already cooling, the way his fingers weakly grip her own. His chest rises and falls shallowly, hitching every third breath, pulling her forward in her seat as she waits for the time when it won't rise again.
A quiet cough catches her attention, draws her back from the thoughts of what her life is going to be like without him. She stands and leans over the bed, strains to hear his quiet voice.
"Kate."
Fresh fractures spiderweb across her heart. She can't do this. Despite the months, years, they've had to prepare, she's not ready. She has to be the strong one, though. Has to let him go, for all of their sakes.
"Kate's not here," Alexis says, trying not to let her voice crack.
His eyes, glassy and unfocused, roam around the room. Searching. "Kate."
Alexis leans over him, her free hand brushing across his forehead. His eyes slowly find her face, a tiny frown pulling at the corners of his mouth.
"Alexis?"
"Yeah, Dad. It's me."
"You're old."
She chokes on a laugh. "So are you."
"Where's Kate? I want Kate."
Every day it's the same.
Every day she has to break his heart.
"Kate's gone, remember?"
A deep furrow creases his brow, pulling his grey eyebrows into a single line. His memory has been fading for years, the gaps growing at a scary rate. One day he knew the names of her children, the next day he forgot they existed. Alexis put up pictures, told stories, tried to prod memories out of him, but every time she got less in return.
The one constant, the one person he can remember without fail, has been Kate. Through it all, he's never forgotten. He tells meandering stories about their early years. How she pretended to hate him, how much he enjoyed teasing her. The details of a random case, some funny thing she did or said, the way he slowly but surely fell in love with her. It all spills out of him randomly, his raspy voice breaking days long silences to sing the ballad of Kate Beckett.
Alexis just wishes he could remember that she's dead.
Part of her is glad that he's forgotten the details, that his eyes are no longer haunted by the long shadows of that terrible day. That he can't blame himself for her death anymore because he doesn't remember it. Doesn't remember that she went down in the line of duty, a bullet tearing through her unprotected chest. Can't remember cradling her dead body in a dark hallway, refusing to let her go until Esposito physically pulled her from his grasp. Will never remember the thirty years he spent mourning his wife.
"Gone?"
"Yes, gone. She died, Dad. Do you remember?" She knows he doesn't.
Tears fill his eyes, a sob wracking his thin chest, and Alexis looks away for a moment. Watching him waste away, watching her tall and robust father shrink into a frail old man has been the worst part. He was always so big, so warm and comforting. She hardly recognizes him anymore.
"Kate's dead."
Alexis nods, running trembling fingers over his cheek. "She is. I'm so sorry."
He falls quiet again, eyes drifting shut as his body sinks into the mattress. Alexis sits back down in the chair, keeping watch. The same thing she's done every day for the past two months.
She takes her breaths in the spaces between his, measures time in heartbeats rather than minutes. The end is coming. She knows it is. And as much as she hates herself for it, she's relieved. Relieved that she won't have to watch him go through this anymore, relieved that he'll finally be released from the prison of his body. She'll grieve but it won't be for the near stranger lying in the bed but rather the man he used to be. The man she's been grieving for years already.
Alexis startles when his chest shudders and stops, his hand tightening around hers for just a moment. She wants to close her eyes, wants to look away, but she won't. She will bear witness to this. She will see him out of this life the way he saw her into it, love in her heart and tears in her eyes.
The beeps transition into a steady tone. Alexis stands slowly, her vision blurred and chest aching. Leaning over, she presses her lips to her father's forehead, combs her fingers through his hair. Two nurses stand at the doorway, sympathy on their faces as they patiently wait for Alexis to say her goodbyes.
"I love you, Daddy," she whispers, her tears falling freely. There's nothing else to say. "I love you."
Straightening, she nods at the nurses and steps back. She keeps her fingers hooked around his, feels the warmth seep out of his skin as they turn off the monitors, freeing his body of the wires and IV for the first time in months. The doctor pronounces his death and she waits, closing her eyes and trying to feel it. Trying to feel the world change with the official proclamation that Richard Castle has left their number.
She not a religious person. She doesn't worship or pray, has never put stock in any gods or deities. Doesn't believe in an afterlife or reincarnation or higher planes. But in this moment, Alexis can't help but hope that somewhere, somehow her father is finally, after so very long, being reunited with the woman he loved.
Thank you for reading. Your thoughts and comments are always appreciated.