POV Cas
Background- a year after Cas's fall
Dean changed after I fell. For a while he was angry all the time. He would sit around the bunker, staring into space, yelling at me and Sam, who healed slowly but entirely. Dean hung a punching bag in his room, and I would hear him hitting the bag into the early hours of the morning. Now, a year after I fell, Dean's hardly around anymore. He takes long drives a couple times a week, and keeps himself in his room otherwise. He doesn't look me or Sam in the eyes. I still think it's my fault.
Sam starting sending me on errands a few months ago. I would get the groceries, get gas for the impala, and other little things. Tonight he needs me to get us all new phones. Not a totally uncommon request- Dean breaks his phones maybe once a month. Sam just likes to play things safe, so I buy new phones in twos and threes.
I need currency. Sam is in the shower so I have to get it from Dean. I knock on his door, and he when he doesn't answer I assume he isnt there, so I go in. He keeps his cash box in his top dresser drawer. I take it out and open it up, but the normal money isn't there. Just a couple of tokens, with different numbers from one to eleven. I take them and go to find Sam, but run into Dean in the kitchen. He doesn't look up as I enter.
"Dean, what is this currency? Is it enough for new phones?" I offer the tokens to him, and he looks up. The look on his face scares me. He jumps up and grabs at the coins, but I jerk my hand away and the coins scatter across the floor.
"Dammit Cas!" He shouts, dropping to his knees and picking up the coins. I offer to help but he just snaps "No!"
"Dean, I need money for Sam's cellular telephones."
"Go ask Sam!"
"He's in the shower Dean, he's spoken to me about talking to him in the shower."
"Then just wait for him. I'm going for a drive."
"I need the impala to get sam's cell-"
"I don't care about the goddam phones, Cas!" He storms off through the kitchen and I hear various slamming doors and the engine of his car rev. He left the coins in a pile on the ground. I try to visualize where he's going. I picture the impala. If I still had my powers, I could be with him right now. I could ask him what's wrong. Where he goes all the time. What he's struggling with. But I can't.
Sam comes out of his room a half hour later and finds me exactly where Dean left me. He asks why I haven't gone out yet, since it's pretty late at this point. I tell him what happen and pick up Dean's tokens, offering them to Sam. He stares blankly at my hands. He says he doesn't believe it.
"What, Sam?"
"Those are AA tokens. Dean's...he's getting clean. I don't believe it. There are eleven here...he must have given up around the time you fell..."
We stare at the coins in silence for awhile. "Is that why he's so mad at me all the time?" I ask.
"What do you mean?"
"He drove away angry...aggressively. Is this why?" Sam shrugs and heads to the refrigerator. He opens the door, and slams it less than a second later.
"Where's the beer, Cas? The beer, the vodka, where is it?"
"I don't know," I answer slowly. We both have the same awful idea. Sam sprints in the direction of the garage and I follow him. We get in the first car Sam can grab the keys to, and we race off towards the nearest town. Sam tosses me his phone and tells me to call Dean.
"He doesn't have his phone, Sam. He broke it, remember?"
"Shit, Dean, what the hell are you doing?" He mutters, hitting the steering wheel angrily. We race along some quiet roads, and in look at the clock and see its 2am. And then we see it...the smoke. A car crushed against a tree. Sam slams the breaks and we practically fall out of the car trying to get to the wreck.
He's in the drivers seat, bloody and unconscious. The floor of the impala is littered with empty bottles, some shattered from the crash. Sam drags deans body out of the car, and a couple bottles and broken glass come out with him. Sam lays him on the side of the road and listens for a heartbeat. He doesn't look hopeful. I kneel next to him and instinctually reach my hand out to heal Dean. But I'm not an angel. I don't have powers. I can't heal him, or get him to safety, or fix any of this. I'm worthless.
Sam looks at me expectantly, but I shake my head. He shoves me away. "What good are you, then?" He shouts. He starts giving Dean CPR, and yells at me to call an ambulance. I stumble back to the car and fumble to dial the number.
"What is your emergency?" A woman asks me. But I can't answer. I can't say anything. I babble. I mutter. But I can't say the words. I'm worthless.
Finally, it slips out: "It's all my fault"