Lost

Fifteen hours.

That was how long she'd been at work.

That's how long it had been since the last time she'd slept.

Olivia was exhausted. Nothing sounded as good as going home, sliding into a nice warm bed, and falling into a deep sleep. Stretching her arms over her head, she smiled as her phone lit up in front of her. The picture that filled the screen was one of Alex sound asleep on the couch in her apartment, the glasses that Alex wore slipping down her nose as she slept, and her head tilted gently to the side as her mouth hung gently open. Alex hated the picture, absolutely abhorred it, and every time she could see it on Olivia's phone, she would frown, but Olivia's big brown eyes would widen and Olivia would convince Alex to let her keep it.

"Hey," she heard the blonde whisper, exhaustion laced in her voice.

Olivia let her head rest on her hand propped on her desk, which made it much easier to keep her head up. "Where are you?" Olivia asked, hoping Alex would be at their shared apartment. It meant when she got out of there, she was that much closer to her own personal idea of nirvana.

"Home," Alex sighed.

Olivia smiled. "Good."

"I still have so much paperwork to do." Alex complained. Olivia smiled as in her head, an image of Alex wearing her pajamas, sitting on their couch with files strewn around her filled her head.

"I got dinner." Alex said. Olivia smiled to herself.

"Thanks," she heard herself say; happy to tick food off her list of things to worry about, knowing she was one step closer to getting home.

"Oh, would you mind picking up my dry cleaning on your way home?" Alex asked, with a tired yawn.

"Alex, I'm really tired."

"I know, but Liv, I really need it." She said.

"Really Alex?"

"Please Liv?" Alex said. Olivia could hear the smile in her voice, the presumed belief that Olivia would say yes no matter what made Olivia burn.

"Fine," Olivia said, frowning.

"Thanks Babe," Alex said. "So, I'll see you when you get here?" she asked.

"Yep." She said, hanging the phone up before she even said goodbye.

Olivia could feel herself fuming. She was tired. Really tired. When she had pulled herself out of bed at two am to go to the scene of a rape/homicide Alex had been sound asleep. When she had kissed her on the forehead, as she ran out the door, Alex barely moved, let alone woke up and saw her off. She knew Alex's alarm clock was set for six thirty, having set it herself, meaning she had gotten far more sleep than Olivia had, and now she had Olivia getting her dry cleaning? She had to be crazy. She grabbed her jacket and stormed down the stairs in front of the precinct on her way to do Alex's errand.

As she thought about it, she realized this wasn't the first time Alex had acted like this. She did stuff like this all the time. Well, Olivia thought, this was the last straw. How could Alex be so insensitive to her? Didn't she realize how selfish this was? Couldn't she do this kind of thing for herself? No, Olivia was done.

This was over.

She started immediately rehearsing her farewell speech in her head, "Alex, I just can't take it anymore, and trust me, this is the last straw…" she heard herself saying. Her feet stomping down the street, Olivia thought about how she would rip the door open, grab a bag and start throwing things into it. She could almost see the look on the blonde attorney's face and she smiled a smug smile. She wouldn't even pay attention to what she took. Not stopping to fold, she would throw things haphazardly while Alex looked on, confusion written on her face. She hoped there were tears. She hoped there were lots of tears.

Storming back and forth she would offer no apology or explanation. She would finally get to tell her how it was.

As a matter of fact, she would make a big show about the whole thing. If Alex wanted an errand boy, she could go hire one. Hell, Olivia would give her the yellow pages and show her the page titled "Maid Service." That way, she could easily be replaced and Alex wouldn't even miss her.

Yes, she would be heartless. She knew Alex would call, she could almost hear the pleading messages in her head, but she wouldn't respond. She would ignore the text messages, the urgent pleas to talk. She would ignore the letters, the pleading for her time. She would never look back. Ever. She would just cut Alex out of her life like none of this had ever happened. The last three years, gone. Nothing besides professional words, most of which she could manage to avoid all together if she worked hard enough at it.

No, the blonde was out of her life forever.

She didn't want anything from the relationship. All the things they had accumulated together Alex could have. The living room set, the new TV. All of it could be hers, because that was how mean she would be about the whole thing. She didn't need any of it. She would just go. Just go and leave this whole rotten thing behind her. After all, what did she need with a photo album of memories like the time they had gone to the Cape? That was the trip they had first said the words, "I love you," for the first time, but she didn't need those memories. Or why would she need the sea shell that Alex had picked off the beach when they had gone to the Caribbean, the one she claimed looked like a heart? The one that she had handed to Olivia with big blue eyes, telling her that she was giving her heart away for Olivia to keep. Olivia frowned. No, she didn't need any of it. Especially not the gifts like the socks Alex had given her on her birthday, before Alex had realized that socks were something you got from your mom and not from your girlfriend, no matter how practically you needed them.

Maybe she would take some of the other things though, as Alex had started to learn and gotten decidedly better in the gift giving department. The necklace that Alex had given her on their first anniversary with their initials carved into it. And maybe she would take the rock climbing gear she had been given on her last birthday. And she would definitely take the cherry desk that Alex had bought her for Christmas; the one that Olivia had a sneaking suspicion was more of a gift that Alex was giving herself than really a gift for her. But Alex could have everything else. And besides, Alex owed her those things. Owed her.

What would Alex need it for after all, she fumed as she stormed into the dry cleaner's. The woman behind the counter smiled at her, as she gave them Alex's name, and was handed a stack of suits wrapped in plastic, including the light blue one that Olivia loved on Alex, the one that made her eyes sparkle. Olivia felt a smile on her lips, before she remembered how mad she was.

She was leaving, after all. So, now, it appeared she would need more than a bag, a van maybe, at least a truck, as she was definitely not going by foot. But she could still do it. Of course, the problem was that if she was going to take the plunge and rent a van, she'd theoretically need a place for that van to go.

She would need to get an apartment, a whole concept that made her stomach tighten. Signing a lease was not her favorite thing to do, and she always had an attorney look over the damn thing. Obviously, Alex had done their last lease together. Actually, all Olivia had to do was sign, something that made her anxious enough. Alex had taken care of everything else. So now she'd have to find a place, find a lawyer. It made her shudder, not to mention the money involved.

But she could do it. She could totally do it.

It wasn't that she didn't have money because she did. But she wasn't sure anymore how to get her hands on it. It was in a bank surely, and she knew that bank statements with her name on them came to their apartment every month, but Alex was the one who opened them. Alex opened all of the boring mail. Alex was the one who paid the bills, and knew things like when the insurance payments were due, or where their passports were. Alex knew who to call when the garbage disposal backed up, or when the washing machine stopped working.

Olivia knew that when things like that happened, she learned to work around them. Suddenly, the broken refrigerator became a storage closet and she would learn to live with warm soda and avoid keeping anything that needed refrigerating that she couldn't keep at the office. The broken washing machine became a license to buy new clothes, and anything else she couldn't fix herself sat sad and broken in a corner. After all, she wasn't home that often anyway. At least, that's what she told herself.

Alex took care of all of it. Alex was the one who was there in the middle of the night, holding her when she woke up screaming, which happened far more often than she cared to admit. Alex put up with her bad moods and smiled when tears flowed down her face at sappy romantic comedies.

Alex packed her lunches and made sure she ate when she was working ridiculous shifts. Alex rubbed her shoulders when she was tense and reassured her when she needed it. Alex was the only one she had ever told some of the worst moments of her childhood to and Alex was the only one who knew how to play her body like it was a musical instrument.

Alex was her everything.

So it came down to this: She was going to leave Alex and then what? Move in with Elliot? After thirty minutes of pure rage, standing outside their apartment door, she opened it, revealing the blonde just as she had imagined her. Looking at Alex, she smiled, realizing she had never been so happy to see anyone in her whole life.

"Where've you been?" Alex asked, her head tilted to the side as she looked back over the couch staring at Olivia.

Olivia looked into her eyes and with all the honesty in her heart she spoke the only true words that came to her and told her simply that she'd been lost.