Stars and Butterflies
Arisawa Tatsuki took her moment on the park bench to consider…things. The people she knew, the places she'd been, nothing escaped her weary mind as she looked up at the cloudy sky. The petite brunette figured there ought to be a full moon and plenty of stars out, but all she saw were clouds. Oh well. Clouds had always helped her think.
Where was Ichigo? What was he thinking about? Gods, she'd known Kurosaki Ichigo since they were kids. He was probably fighting with that insane father of his or having a verbal altercation with his younger sister Karin. Maybe he was out fighting hollows with Rukia…
Or if the two weren't fighting hollows, where was Kuchiki Rukia? Maybe cuddled in her bed under a warm blanket with a good manga in hand. Or she might be drawing, maybe trying to forget for a while that she wasn't supposed to even be alive. Why hadn't Tatsuki been included on that little rescue mission?
Oh, rescues…hopefully poor Inoue was safe from Chizuru and her incessant flirtations. Orihime Inoue was another one of Tatsuki's friends. Tatsuki prided herself on her protection of Inoue, but she wasn't with Inoue now, was she? What a depressing thought.
Tatsuki wondered vaguely if she should go home, but then thought better of it. No one was waiting for her. Her home was broken, so there was no point in going back just yet. She shivered slightly. As a fighter, she was in top shape, but that meant no fat on her slender frame that might insulate her against the cold. No matter, Tatsuki still wasn't going back.
She pulled her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs, resting her chin on one bony knee as she watched a couple strolling her way, arm in arm. They looked familiar, but until they strolled under a light, Tatsuki wouldn't know who they were. In the darkness, all she could tell was that the taller one was the male, and he wore glasses. The shorter one, whose hair was more honey-colored rather than black looked familiar…
"Arisawa-san!" the girl exclaimed, and Tatsuki realized that it was her friend Inoue. "What are you doing out here all alone for?"
"Just thinking about gutters," Tatsuki replied, a weak smile twitching at her thin lips.
"Oh. Well, I have a book on a hundred and one ways to clean gutters if you need to borrow it," Inoue bubbled happily, completely missing the point.
"I don't think that's what she meant," murmured the boy – Ishida? – though Inoue didn't hear him.
"Go enjoy yourself, Inoue. I'll be fine here," Tatsuki sighed, smiling slightly. Poor Inoue, her parents had died, leaving her in the care of her older brother. Unfortunately he had died too, becoming a hollow that had nearly killed Inoue, and would have if Ichigo and Rukia hadn't intervened. So many tragedies in her life, Inoue deserved a little peace.
"Look Arisawa-san, it's a star!" Inoue squealed joyfully. "Make a wish."
Inoue was right, a single star had found a break in the clouds. Make a wish? Tatsuki didn't know what she would wish for. Maybe, just maybe, she'd wish for a healing, her family, her mind, her soul, but that wouldn't be right, would it? To waste a wish on something that wouldn't change?
"We'll leave you to ponder your wish in private," Ishida murmured, and this time Inoue heard him.
"Yeah. See ya later Arisawa-san!" And with that, both figures disappeared into the thickening darkness, leaving Tatsuki wondering, truly, what she would wish for.
She could be like all those other girls out there and wish for love, but, she wasn't all those other girls. Besides, who would love the likes of her? She was stubborn, willful, and so different. She'd never worn make up a day in her life, and was far more likely to be found wearing either gym clothes or her karate uniform than she was anything of fashion.
As a young child, she'd harbored the usual little-girl thoughts of maybe growing up and marrying her best friend, but as she and Ichigo had grown up, they had become more like siblings than anything else. Besides, even if he denied it, Tatsuki knew that Ichigo's heart belonged to Rukia.
No, no one loved her that way. It was pointless to wish for it, but, cursing herself the whole time, she did anyway. Arisawa Tatsuki wished for someone to love her.
"Oi, Arisawa, what're you doing out here?" demanded a familiar voice gruffly. Oh no, not him…
"Hello, Abarai. I'm thinking. Alone."
"Thinking about getting the Throne of the Ice Queen all to yourself? You've already succeeded there."
"Shut up!" Tatsuki snapped. Renji, for once, did exactly what she told him to, stung and stunned by the almost tearful edge in her voice. It sounded like she was in pain. The idea bothered him, not that he could say why. A few months in school together as each other's worst nightmares, and somehow the idea of her being in pain tormented him. Oh, he was never going to let himself hear the end of this one.
"You okay?"
"Oh, so now you stop the insensitive jerk routine? Get lost before I beat the crap out of you."
"Arisawa, I'm not here to fight. And if you want, I'll even stop being an asshole, just for you. Come on, talk to me. What's wrong?" Renji, in a rare show of sensitivity, even took off his jacket and tucked it around Tatsuki's shoulders because she was shivering. Then he sat down next to her on the bench, wondering why he was doing what he was doing.
Tatsuki wondered numbly why Abarai Renji was being so nice all of a sudden. First the jagged snipe that nearly made her cry, and now he was being a sweet guy. Where was the real Renji and who was this imposture?
Renji's Ice Queen remark had struck home hard that particular night because it squared with what Tatsuki had been thinking about before that. How she was so unlovable…
"Self-deprecating thoughts aren't getting you anywhere, sweet. Just talk to me." Was Renji reading her mind?
Suddenly the dam broke, and all of the events of the past up to now came spilling out. Things people had said that Tatsuki had pretended had never hurt, people that either hated her or that had loved her and gotten hurt. All the things that Tatsuki had kept inside, bottled up, and never told anyone because she was their pillar of strength and it was her job not to burden them with her personal problems.
Renji listened. He didn't speak, didn't interrupt, just listened as Tatsuki poured her heart out. No wonder she was usually so violent, keeping all that pressure in a bottle. Of course, hearing her spill everything like that had him feeling lower than a snake's belly, but he was trying to make up for tormenting her earlier by just being there for her when she needed it. When she started crying, he offered his shoulder.
Finally, her tearful tirade stopped, and maybe some of the pressure had been eased. "Feel better now?" Renji asked, carefully wiping the tears from Tatsuki's face with a bit of his shirt.
"Yeah. Thanks."
"You know, I heard someone say once, 'we're all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars'. Never could figure out what that meant, but I think I might know now," Renji said softly, being sure to keep his eyes focused on the darkness in front of him and not on Tatsuki. "I think it means that while life is going to suck for each and every single one of us, some people can still see life's beauty."
"Like Inoue, I guess," Tatsuki agreed. "Her life's been one tragic accident after another, and she still loves everyone and everything."
"And you? Can you see the stars from your gutter?"
"Yeah," Tatsuki replied, smiling despite her puffy eyes. She really did feel better now. "Thanks for helping me get rid of the clouds."
Above the two on the bench, the clouds had disappeared from the sky, leaving all the stars open for viewing. One solitary Hell Butterfly drifted its way toward the full moon.
A/N: Hey, I know they're all OOC, 'cept maybe Inoue. It's hard working with the lesser-known characters. And I know most who read this will look at me and say, "Tatsuki never cries." Well, that may be so, but think about it. You put to much pressure in a bottle and it will crack eventually. Others will say, "Renji isn't that sensitive." I say, here, he saw Tatsuki in real pain and felt like a royal asshole for putting her there. Others ask what the heck butterflies have to do with it. I honestly don't know – BloodHeron never knows why she does what she does!
Power to Lilya (a very good writer and kind critic) and the Moonbeams of Fire C2 community!