I needed to do it.
9/19/14
THE WORST KIND OF BINGE.
I took a deep breath, my mind coming back to the present. A deep sense of dread filled my chest as I realized what just happened. I tried to keep my breathing steady, though the air in my lungs was staggering. I clenched and unclenched my fists as my eyes darted around the mess around me. My head was spinning and I could feel a throbbing deep inside my skull.
"No," I said weakly, feeling myself start to sweat. "No, no, no...please no. God, please no. Oh no."
My whole body was tense and shook. I couldn't believe it. I did it again. I wasn't even thinking- I wasn't even feeling. It just happened. It couldn't have happened. I told myself this wouldn't happen again. I told myself I wouldn't let this happen again. I said I was done. I said it was over. I was going to let this go. I was going to move on.
Why did I let this happen? How could I have done this?
"You idiot," I scolded, my voice cracking. "You stupid, stupid idiot. Look what you've done! Look at what you've done. Are you proud? Are you proud of yourself?! Look what you've done!" Tears streamed down my face, and I shook; my heart filled with shame, dread and anger. I got up and walked to the bathroom, standing in front of the mirror. I wiped my tears and stuck my hands in my hair, pulling at the strands.
"When will you learn? When will you finally freaking grow up? You selfish brat. You can't do anything right and now look at you!"
I stood on my tip toes so I could see myself. I saw how my body looked. I hated it. I hated everything about it. I hated how it made me feel. I couldn't stand it. I was ashamed of it. I was afraid of it. I wish I could change it.
Oh, how I wish I could change it. Every part of me ached for a solution, a cure to my horrid, disgusting figure. It kept me up at night, the filthy desire to change it. Or start over. Go back to the days of my youthful past and be the person I was then and keep myself from how I was now.
But I was stuck. So stuck. I had no way out. I was suffocating. Everyday the vice got tighter, taking more and more of the air I needed so desperately to breathe. I couldn't stand myself, but I couldn't get away. Never.
Maybe I was already dead, and this was hell.
Then I deserved it, right?
I lowered my eyes. It didn't matter. It was pointless to hope. It was hopeless to think I'd ever escape this torture. I was chained to the wall and I couldn't break through the thick iron separating me from the peace I sought.
I needed resolution. I needed to let it go. I couldn't take back what I'd done, but I could pay for what I'd done.
It took three items.
Three, simple, household items.
I grabbed what I needed and headed back to the bathroom. I sat on the floor, readying what I needed. I put in headphones and played the music as loud as it go, letting the music pound in my head. When I was ready, I held the concoction to my arm and held it there, the small bundle started to grip at my skin and burn.
Cold as ice
And more bitter than a december
Winter night
That's how I treated you
I pushed the thing harder, clenching my teeth as I felt the pangs from my fingertips to my elbow.
And I know that I
I sometimes tend to lose my temper
And I cross the line
Yeah that's the truth
I cried out as my arm really started hurting. I imagined every throbbing pulse was like water rushing over me, each wave calming me and taking away the wrong.
I know it gets hard sometimes
But I could never
Leave your side
No matter what I say
"This is what you get, you idiot," I whispered through clench teeth as my arm started to turn white and swell around the burn. I held the item on my arm until I lost all feeling. I released myself and pulled away, looking at the damage I'd done. The skin was white and hard as a rock. I'd frozen it. I got ready once again and started to burn my other arm, tears pricking at my eyes as the skin started to sting.
Cause if I wanted to go I would have gone by now,
But I really need you near me to
Keep my mind off the edge
I let my arms go limp when I was done. I would cry but my tears were all gone and I didn't have the energy. Instead I laid there, filled with self-hatred and regret. I mouthed the last words of the song playing, my heart breaking.
If I wanted to leave I would have left by now
But you're the only one that knows me
Better than I know myself