I hate it.
I know what I'm capable of.
Why is it so hard to control?
Isn't this normal?
When I close my eyes, why can I still see you?
It all started out like this.
The same way it always did, nothing was different.
Destitution within me was the most unbearable for me on a night like this.
I wish it was possible to reject the memories that blatantly desire to invade my thoughts, almost to the point of offense it seems.
I was single for a while, a long while actually.
I was always the tough girl, since I can remember. So I was fine, I was used to it.
Relationships never really seemed so "comforting" to me, or better yet, "secure" would be the best way to put it. For some reason, before anything would get serious with a guy, I would chicken out and run the other way… Too scared to fall in love I guess.
WAYtoo scared.
In my head, things were much easier… Almost close to call my refuge. But my constant confusion is what made me my own WORST enemy. Fantasies are what got the best of me. Thinking about loving someone, was so much more uncomplicated, and effortless. I don't feel like being heartbroken. High school was bad enough.
Two years ago was a very happy time for me. I still remember as if it were yesterday, the day I moved into my first apartment. When I arrived to this complex, it was such a struggle to settle down and actually find a parking spot. Not because there wasn't enough room, but because of my wandering eye over the neighborhood. It was, in a dark way, very beautiful: The vast space, the trees, the pale colored grass, spacey white sidewalks, red bikes, bright sun, a huge centered lake, blue railings for the stairs and dull concrete buildings.
The eeriness of the gray concrete building didn't affect me as it should have. I was too overwhelmed by the color, excitement, and reality of my own fresh new life. Who knew it would feel so great to be twenty one!
After phone and Skype conversations, I was about to meet my roommate for the first time, face to face. Finally.
Getting out of my car, I was hauling my luggage to the staircase, and realized that I left my car on.
Leaving my luggage on the floor, I run to my car fatigued and aggravated.
"Lindsay?"