It was an accident...
I didn't mean for it to happen. But somehow... The scream I managed to choke out in my sleep. The scream that practically ruined our lives. The scream that to this day I don't know how it was so deadly.
I'm sorry.
I can never forgive myself for what I've done.
I can't look at you without remembering that night; when you lost the ability to hear. You say it's okay, and that you forgive me. You say that things will be okay. But I can't just live like that.
I have to be punished.
I managed to get away from her for a while. She fell asleep in her hive while she was studying more of the sign language she was learning. She's been at it for days, though I've been along side with her so im really tired myself. But I don't know when I'll be able to get away from her next. She'd never understand. She'd never let me do it without fighting me.
I shrouded myself into a dark room. When I shut and locked the door, the tears started to flow, smearing my makeup but I was beyond caring about that right now. I sobbed uncontrollably, covering my mouth though with my skeletal gloved hand. I didn't want to hear the sound, I wasn't going to let anyone hear it anymore.
I started chewing slightly on my tongue, trying to muffle my voice a bit. It sparked an idea, and I was biting it harder at this point. I clenched my fist when I felt my indigo blood begin dripping from my fang wounds, my hand wrapped tightly around my mouth to control the damn scream I needed to let out. My tears were staining my cheeks, I knew it must've been some kind of light lavender color that was now stained on my cheeks since my makeup I knew was smearing even more.
I collapsed to the floor when my tongue started to rip apart. I held myself together so that I didn't scream like I wanted to. My first reaction was to call out for help, seeing as how the only thing I could taste now was my own blood. It was filling my mouth, spilling out enough to make my glove soaked with an indigo liquid. It was tempting to swallow it, but I despised myself so much I would rather die that know my blood was just going back into my body.
I started to chew again at my tongue, feeling that it was beginning to feel like it was barely holding on, almost like stitches that were getting weaker and weaker. At that point i released my grip from my mouth, revealing the blood and white makeup that stained my glove. I spit the indigo blood onto the floor, coughing slightly but weakly.
My tongue was halfway attached, dangling off and a few strands of the skin of my tongue held it on. My breath hitched, almost like I was holding it the entire time that I was chewing and biting into my tongue. I took a deep breath and I started chewing again on it. I was a bit more relaxed now, but it still was making me cry and have the urge to scream. I didn't want to wake Meulin up though and have her see how gory I was being during her comatose.
I got to the point where I could bite anymore because I was in so much pain. There was still a small section, but it was a large area of my tongue, that still held my tongue onto it. There was only one way to finish the job besides leave it and let it heal over time or sew it back on. A nervous breath escaped my mouth when my hand started teaching for the dangling part of my tongue. I closed my eyes and gripped it tightly. Another breath, and I started counting down in my head.
1...
2...
I didn't bother finishing it out before my hand yanked hard. What felt like sweeps was only a split second of hearing my tongue rip out of my mouth. A blood splatter erupted across the floor. I clutched my hand to my mouth to keep the scream concealed. Oh shit I really wanted to let it out now...
But I couldn't. I didn't want anyone to hear my cries. Didn't want people, especially Meulin, to come to this room and witness the self harm I was putting myself through.
It felt like it wasn't going to even be enough to keep sounds out. I wouldn't be able to actually talk, but I could still make sounds. I didn't want anyone to hear it. I didn't want to hear it. I started searching the room for something to be able to fix it.
Duct tape? No..
Glue?
Then I came across a first aid kit. One that was much bigger and looked like it was for serious injuries. I opened the box and I peered inside of it for a little bit.
I came across a suture and some thread, which I was really skeptical about using those items... What would Meulin think? What would Mituna think? Gamzee? Meenah?
I shut out the fear of them judging me for my choice. I sat down in front of a broken mirror, working from inside of my mouth to the outside. When I opened my mouth though, it was gross... So disgusting, I nearly vomited on myself. My tongue was bloodied up, ripped in three different places. Some thicker than others. There were still a lot of skin strands dangling loosely from my tongue as well. I drifted my eye contact away from it and I paid attention to where I was inserting the suture. I pierced through, flinching slightly at the pain I felt, though it was as bad as before. Another stitch, and soon it wasn't that bothersome anymore. I did the double stitch so that I really wouldn't be able to open my mouth unless I cut it open.
I began the next vertical line, stitching carefully and being careful to look away from my torn up tongue. I neared the end, then cut the string and tied it tightly on the inside of my mouth.
"Purrloz?"
What?
"Puuuurrloz where are you?"
Her senses must already be enhanced after she lost the ability to hear. What do I do? I can't exactly say anything. What's done is done and I can't change it.
I had to face her eventually. I stood from the broken mirror and I walked to the door. My hand was shaky as it gripped the knob and opened it. Out in the world of Alternia not too far from me she stood. She smiled and ran to me, but stopped when she got a good look of me. My eyes were dropped to the ground and there was blood all over me. Makeup smeared really badly and then smeared tears all over my cheeks.
"Oh my gog, Purrloz what happened to you?!" I didn't respond. I didn't even move my hands to say anything.
"Your mouth..." She had tears in her eyes. "Purrloz..."
There was nothing else I could say. I couldn't bring myself to make any hand signs to her. I felt a tear slide slowly down my face again.
There was only one thing that I managed to sign to her. Something I keep saying in my head and something I kept saying to her every time I saw her. She cried so hard when I gave her the sign and I lost it too.
*I'm sorry.*