Pointers

(Because crack crossovers are too much fun. And I heart extremely possessive people)

Summary - minimalist crack, crossover with X/1999. Wolfram (and poor scarred Yuuri) runs into someone who is more than knowledgable in the art of possession, and also knows a thing or two about dealing with unwilling boyfriends... (Now with OMAKE)

Author's Note - Previously posted on LJ and on the KKM comm under Ilumena (just for reference). I am not responsible for how my brain tries to kill me, and I blame this thing entirely on episode 52 and my enormous obsession with X, and Sakurazuka Seishirou/Subaru Sumeragi. Yep. I had nothing whatsover to do with this fic. Oh, and read slowly. 'Minimalist crack' means that it's mostly dialogue with actions and expressions that are implied most of the time.

Disclaimer - don't own ANY of it. And I definitely don't own the puddle that Sei-chan stepped in before he ended up in Shin Makoku.

-

"YOU DAMN CHEATER! GET BACK HERE!"

"Wolfram, cut it ou - Oof! I'm sorry, mister, I didn't see you there -"

"Your friend seems to be calling you."

"GAH! Let me go, he's going to kill me!"

"YUURI!"

"Let me goooo!"

"Here you go, sir." Bright cheerful smile. "I believe this belongs to you."

"Huh? I - thanks!"

"What do you mean, 'this'? Do I look like an object to you?! And who says I belong to anyone, especially him?!"

"Shut up, you wimp!"

"It huuurts..."

"You're very cute together." Smile, smile.

Release, sparkle. "Thank you!"

"Waaaahhh... Scary Sunglasses-san..." Almost inaudible.

"However... I don't mean to be rude, but you seem to be having troubles."

"That's because he's just a big wimp who thinks he likes girls."

"I'm not a wimp!"

"Then if you're not a wimp, how come you were running away?!"

"You tried something funny -!"

"Would you mind if I offered you some advice on that?"

Distraction. "Really?"

"Of course." Smile, smile. "It's the least I can do. I know exactly what you're going through. It took Subaru-kun such a very long time to admit how much he loves me..." Sigh.

"So what did you do to win his love?" Shining eyes.

"Brands are a good start, I always found. That way everyone knows he's been claimed."

"... Why didn't I ever think of that?! Yuuri! We finally have a way to keep all those despicable sirens away!"

Frightened whimper.

"You'll just need an immediately recognizable symbol and a prominent place to display it. I suggest the hands, because ruining a pretty face is unforgivable, and they are usually one of the last things to be covered up."

"... Oh god, Wolfram, tell me you are not taking notes."

"So what if I am, wimp? Shut up, I'm trying to pay attention."

"What a cute term of endearment! It's very original."

"Really? I just call him that because that's what he is..."

"I am not!"

"Ahahahaha! You two are so adorable. Now, if I may continue? It looks like you have your insistent possessive behaviour down pat. From what I can see of your personality type, there's not much else I can say that would help in your particular case. Although you might want to try threatening to kill people other than him. Your average resistant boyfriend tends to become skittish and distant when you make claims like that. I would suggest offering to kill anyone who attempts to seduce him away from you. You gain reputation points as a faithful lover who would do anything to keep his precious person safe, rather than losing reputation points by appearing as a jealous, irrational lover."

"You know, I'm right here and can hear every word you two are saying."

"What else have you tried?"

"Are you guys even listening -?!"

"Well, he's already my fiance. We adopted a daughter together, and we share a bed regularly - though he never tries anything, the stupid wimp!"

"Is that so? Then I suppose congratulations are in order! It's too bad he has yet to truly see your relationship's potential, but take heart. You must work to make love happen, and half your work is already done. I still haven't managed to convince Subaru-kun to marry me or share my bed..." Disgruntled mumble. "...How long have you been engaged?"

Blush, sparkle. "Ever since the first day we met. He slapped me... I overturned the table... he picked up the cutlery... It was then that I knew it was meant to be."

"I DIDN'T KNOW YOUR FREAKING CUSTOMS! IT WAS ALL JUST A BIG MISTAKE!"

Death glare.

Frightened whimper.

"You were saying...?"

"Well, if you've safely extracted from him a promise to marry you sometime in the future, I think you're off to a pretty good start."

"But he won't let me win him over!"

"I see. Have you tried bondage?"

"... What?"

Solemn. "Tried and true. It's a law of our kind of anime. Physical contact is of paramount importance. If your intended is resistant and unsure of your relationship, at some point tying him up and pressing in close should work wonders. If you don't believe me, there's a boy by the name of Kamui that lives not too far away who can tell you just how well it worked on him. I suggest blossoming cherry trees or rubble for backing him against. Capturing him in random embraces also works very nicely for keeping him off-guard, reinforcing the impression left by your protective behaviour, and of course, giving you a chance to use tender caresses to show him how much you care."

"... I think Yuuri just passed out. Yuuri! Are you all right? Yuuri!"

"May I suggest something?"

"Huh? What?"

"Random embrace."

"Oh, right!"

"Good job. You learn fast. Hmm... does he tend to lose consciousness often?"

"... Actually, yes. He's a total klutz and a magnet for kidnappers too."

"How did you manage to be so lucky? I always had to put Subaru-kun under a sleep-spell. Are you usually the one who catches him when he falls over?"

"... Sometimes."

"Make sure you're the one who always catches him when he falls from now on. It's excellent agility practice too, which comes in handy when you're following him secretly to make sure he's not doing anything stupid."

"Got it." Scribble, scribble, scribble.

"Now, when you've finally got him willing to admit his love for you, here's what you do..."

Sometimes, Gwendal thought (several days later), he very seriously worried about the mental stability of their latest Maou. And then he would remember that Wolfram had spent all day looking for the perfect cherry tree in which to tie Yuuri up; he remembered the day that 'Scary Sunglasses-san' had spent at Blood Pledge Castle, and then he could only be thankful that His Majesty was not broken and scarred for life. And perhaps missing an eye.

OMAKE

(Somewhere in Tokyo, on a bridge...)

Flying ofuda.

Forcing closer, hand raised for one final, fatal blow...

Slap.

"... What was that for, Seishirou-san?!"

Smile. "A little custom I picked up from a friend."

"... And why are you chewing on a spork now? Wait, why were you even carrying a spork into battle in the first place...? And why a spork? I don't understand..."

"But do you accept, Subaru-kun?"

"I don't even know what I'm supposed to be accepting here!"

"Well, just say yes, then."

"...Why?"

"Just say yes. Trust me."

"Um. Yes?"

"Excellent! It's about time! I want us to be married in the spring, by the way, so we can have the wedding under the blooming sakura. Now, I know I still have the designs for the clothes Hokuto-chan wanted us to wear around here somewhere..."

"... Wait, what?!"

And sometimes, things all work out in the strangest ways possible.