Journal #38
Hello to…myself. Yeah, that's right. Since I don't have a Traveler ring anymore that can send my journals through space and time to my friends Mark and Courtney, I suppose I'll be reading this to myself. But why bother writing it down in the first place? I guess I've gotten so used to writing down things that this just comes naturally. And besides, I have no clue when I'm actually going to disappear and pop back to Solara so I should write this down in the off chance someone else might pick this up and read a little about Bobby Pendragon, trapped Traveler on Zadaa. Yeah, that's right. Trapped Traveler on Zadaa, home to the Batu and Rokador…and Loor.
All right, let me just rewind a bit for the sake of a stranger who happens to see this. My name is Bobby Pendragon. I'm a Traveler, meaning I'm a very old spirit in physical form. I, along with some other Travelers, just managed to defeat this very bad spirit called Saint Dane. Saint Dane wanted to destroy all of Halla, or everything that have and has ever existed. After the battle, every single Traveler was supposed to go back to Solara, the essence of Halla, and become a spirit again. All of the Travelers besides me and Uncle Press had already left. I stayed behind because I needed more time to finish what I thought would be my last journal. While I was with Uncle Press, I gave him a piece of my mind. Why should we have to go back to Solara now, when all the trouble was over? We were the soldiers of Halla. We fought the war to protect everything we knew and loved. The motivation for fighting stemmed from our love for our homes. And just when we thought we could relax and rebuild our lives, we learned that we had to give it all up. I understood that our purpose was to fight and leave—that's why we were Travelers. But it just wasn't fair.
With that being said, I finished my journal and went back to Uncle Press. He was standing just as I had left him, on top of the Ravinian star. My approaching footsteps didn't make him look up and smile at me. Instead, he appeared deep in thought, with furrows etched into his forehead. I waved my journal at him.
"All right I'm done. Now what?" I asked, trying not to sound too down. The idea of leaving behind all I'd ever known wasn't the greatest.
"I'm starting to question whether or not my intentions were good."
Woah. That was unexpected. And bad. Uncle Press usually didn't have to think about his intentions because really, they were always good.
"Tell me more," I shot back.
He stayed silent for a few more moments. Finally, he looked up and gave me a small smile. I knew that smile. It meant "I-know-exactly-what-you-want-and-I'm-thinking-about-giving-it-to-you." I resisted giving a tap dance for joy. Uncle Press faced me full on and opened his arms wide.
"You know Bobby, for such a young kid, you've really got some brains. Must be from me," he joked.
"Yeah, sure. What's going on?" I asked excitedly.
Uncle Press gave me a bigger smile.
"You're right about it being not fair. I want to give you all a chance at a life after Saint Dane. I don't know if this is the right thing to do, but it seems like it was meant to be."
Whoo! Now this was more like it! I ran up to him and gave him a big old hug. I could have kissed him if I thought he'd enjoy it. He laughed and shoved me off playfully.
"Cool, so how are we going to do this?" I was practically bouncing around.
"Not so fast wise guy. First you have to know what you want. Once you go, there can't be any changes. Time must take its course," he calmly said.
Okay. Good. What did I want? My thoughts immediately went to Courtney and Mark. Maybe I could stay here and help rebuild everything. Create a new civilization. Mack some more with Courtney and go fishing with Mark. But then I slowed down. I know I've said this before, but Courtney and I, well I don't know. I'm sure I could have a good time with her, and I'm sure we could have some sort of a future together. But as what? If I actually thought about it, which I was doing now, I couldn't imagine being with her as a boyfriend or husband. Not yet at least. We had grown too apart and too different to easily fit back together. I couldn't even think about kissing her without feeling all sorts of awkward. I didn't love her in a romantic way. That spark wasn't really there. And I was sure if Courtney opened her heart, she would agree with me. Maybe not on everything but on the important points.
Truth was, I loved Loor. Plain and simple. I liked Courtney a lot, but I loved Loor. And the important thing was, Loor had feelings for me too. When I was pulling away from Courtney, Loor was pulling me towards her. I read somewhere that complete strangers grow closer to each other in intense situations than friends do in a lifetime. Something about how stress brings people together. And Loor and I had experienced enough stress for two lifetimes. I wanted her bravery and selflessness. I wanted her compassion and companionship. She had put herself in danger countless times for me. That day on Zadaa, near the flume. When she heard the flume activating, she pulled me behind her. And Saint Dane had killed her. And I went ballistic. I needed her. She brought me out of my ignorant shell at the very beginning and walked by me until the very end. She was always my go-to Traveler in times of crisis. I wanted to see her smile and laugh. I wanted to feel her presence close to mine. And most of all, I wanted to hold her to her word—that perhaps if given another chance, she would kiss me that night in the rain.
Courtney and Mark. Mark, my best friend since childhood. And Courtney, my biggest crush since grade school. That was the natural way. I was from Second Earth and with Second Earthlings I should stay. Heck, that logic didn't make sense. We were on Third Earth. Not mixing territories, or worlds, wasn't possible anymore. The real question was, did I deserve to put my own happiness before the happiness of others? Could I have the chance to be selfish? Should I ditch my two greatest friends who literally risked their lives for me, not because it was their duty but because of their love? If Courtney or Mark knew that I would choose Loor over them, man, I didn't even want to think about that. I would basically negate every single thing they'd ever done for me.
But I wanted Loor!
I sat down, my knees suddenly weak. Geez. Get a grip, I told myself. I thought about my earlier argument, that I should stay with Mark and Courtney because they were the natural way my life would've taken if I didn't find out I was a Traveler. But was that the natural way? After all, the reality was, I didn't belong to any territory. I wasn't really human. I had been put on Second Earth to fight Saint Dane. Courtney and Mark and Stony Brook and basketball and everything else just kind of got in the way of my true natural fate. But what did fate matter now? I had strong bonds with both my Second Earth friends and my Traveler friends. I may be a spirit and I may call home Second Earth instead of Solara but really the two weren't compatible. I couldn't have the best of both worlds, literally. I had to choose.
I let out a huge sigh. Uncle Pressed gave me a sideways glance but didn't ask. If I was going to choose Loor, I had to explain to Courtney and Mark in person. Another thought stopped me. If I chose Loor, would I still be the person Loor liked? The selfless guy who put others before him at all times? Would this be a signal that once something better than her came along, I would ditch her and go after it like how I was ditching Courtney and Mark?
I shook my head. If I stayed with Courtney and Mark, I knew I'd be regretting my decision for the rest of my life. I knew what type of future I had with those guys. It would be a happy one. But I wanted to get the chance to find out what a future with Loor would be like. Course, I'd feel horrible about leaving my two friends behind, but that wouldn't cause me to regret my decision cause I'd be with the one person I needed. And I didn't want regret. Didn't I deserve what I wanted for once? Man, that sounded totally bratty. I had to stop or else I'd be arguing with myself for the rest of my life. This was going to get ugly, fast. But the only way to find out was to act.
I looked back at Uncle Press. He raised his eyebrows, waiting.
"Okay. I don't know if this is the right thing to do, but I want to be with Loor. I gotta explain to Mark and Courtney before I go anywhere." There. I said it. But I didn't really feel too dreadful. Maybe because I finally came face to face with my selfishness instead of having it gnaw away at me inside.
"You sure? She could be tough to live with," Uncle Press joked, trying to lift my mood.
I wasn't smiling.
"I'll call everyone back now. We'll figure out how to complete things from there," he told me.
"Fine. But I need to find Courtney and Mark right now, before anything major happens," I replied, already turning towards the Taj Mahal entrance. I wanted to explain to Mark and Courtney first, and then see Loor. Uncle Press nodded once and turned away. There was a rushing noise that grew louder in volume. I assumed that was the sound of Solaran spirits returning back to Second Earth. I didn't stop to check it out though. I quickly stalked out of the building. Where would they go?