Posted before I could actually submit it to the relevant competition thread, because I expected to have only fleeting internet access for a week, on a very strange computer, and thus would be likely unable to upload this fic to the Docs Manager when the thread did go up.
Warnings: It's somewhat creepy, in my opinion. Sure, it's probably more crack than actually scary. But still, creepy. Also, the formatting is very weird.
Length: 1,640 – it looks a lot longer than it actually is, due to the formatting.
Time Period: Battle City, right before Yami Bakura's duel with Yami Marik.
Handicap: 'I must show the whole story through thoughts only. The definitions section aside, there is to be no dialogue and no descriptive paragraphs in the one–shot.' This forced me to face one of my worst weaknesses – showing internal monologue. I don't often do it, and there's a reason I don't, but I figured I may as well try it for a handicap worthy of the 'Hard' round. I was all ready for the challenge, but it gave me even more trouble than I thought it would – I had to completely rewrite my piece four times (and because I love to save older things, I have four finished stories for this pairing alone, only one of which is the actual oneshot), I somehow managed to kinda sorta break my own rule (but only sort of…), and the pairing in general was horrendous to write for.
However, in the end, I'm pretty sure I got something decent down… or… well, something at least.
Feedback: In general, it's very much appreciated. Providing it isn't something like "UR FIC SUKS STUFF U", I'll be happy – I already flame myself, so there's no reason for my needing any more of it. I do like respectful concrits, they help me to improve. This time, my main annoyance laid with making the oneshot easy(ish) to understand what the heck was going on, especially with the handicap and the strange formatting method I used. I'm not sure about all those line breaks, either. Any opinion on how confusing it was/how to improve there would be appreciated!
Of Pendulums, Pet Peeves, and Playing Portal
Hello, and welcome to "Definition Time", the show where… ah, who am I kidding? These aren't going to affect the story in any way, not unless you really, REALLY think about them in the context of the story. Seriously, it's just the author trying to rub in how much cleverer she is when compared to you. And she's failing, because… well… you already know the meanings of most, it not all of these.
Anyway, here's your random definitions for today. Unless you squint a bit and scroll to the Unnecessary Author's Babble at the end, I can guarantee that they're not going to aid your understanding of the story:
Pendulum: It goes baaack, and it goes fooorwards, aaaand it goes baaaaaaack, and now would you kindly give me all your money?
…Come now, it was worth a go.
Pet Peeve: Not to be confused with my neighbour's best friend's uncle's daughter's husband's mother's dog's puppy, Peeve, this term refers to a certain something that you, as in you as a person, happen to dislike with a very certain sort of dislike, by which I do not necessarily mean hate, but in this case, I do.
For instance, one of my pet peeves is long and confusing sentences.
And another one: Hypocrites.
Playing: Literal translation is something along the lines of 'getting frustrated over'. In Barbarbarbarbaaabaaabarian (ancient sheep–speak), "Playing" means "I want to hit you over the head with a big stick", and saying the word out loud in Ancient Gromlantgypt would almost certainly get you arrested for threatening someone with decapitation, disembowelment, and general mutilation all at once.
Portal™: A single–player puzzlegame, in which the player is put through a series of tests by a computer, who has become sentient (sort of) and goes all evil on main mechanic of the game featured a portal gun, which could be used to place a blue portal and an orange portal on the walls, floor, and ceiling. Any object moving into one portal would come moving out of the other one at exactly the same speed, but at whatever angle the portal was placed at (it was possible to get across a large gap by falling from a height into a portal on the floor, and be catapulted across by coming out of a portal on the wall at high speed, for instance). This concept was used to solve the puzzles in the game, most of which were extremely frustrating.
For the record, the author of this one–shot refuses to comment on the whole cake thing.
C.R.E.A |K. M.P.3
Light off shadows creep bedperson sleeping sheep counting count
Sheep count = i, i=1, i++
Noa like sheep baaa
Pause 500 (1)
Someone's here, hurry up and go away already. I want to slaughter Yami Marik, kill the Pharaoh, Items mine, all mine, mineminemine i'm sick and tired of being stuck in your head what are you doing here,what's wrong with MY head i'm stronger than you think, what ISN'T wrong with your head why, you little
C.L.I.C|K.W.A.V
Light goes on shadows sleep wake up bedperson wake up Noa up already not fair bad bedperson bad bad eyes open now
Pause 500
IF Response = 0 THEN
peekaboo
LOOP
Owowow get that stupid light out of my face! Must lie still must lie still must stab person when they turn away no no STAY STILL, Marik! It could be anyone like you care about anyone. You know you want to will you stop interrupting me already?! I'm trying to think straight here, and you're not helping stab the guy already I'm not a fan of the 'stab everything' method then how can you seriously call yourself evil?
I'm a big believer in the 'eternal pain and damnation' method.
Oh.
C.L.I.C|K.W.A.V
Light goes off shadows creep bedperson sleeping NO NO WAKE UP like sheep baa peekaboo Noa see you but no eyes only cameras used to have eyes long time ago pretty horse violin car big red car no no stop car doesn't stop Noa scream
ERROR ERROR ERROR Bad Memory detected!
ABORT MEMORY PATH
Pause 500
Oh, I suppose that's better. Now, just walk away, leave me alone, and I promise I won't maim you too badly shut up shut up shut up not listening shut up shut up shut up nyah nyah LOOK WILL YOU JUST okay, okay, I'll shut up!
C.L.I.C|K.W.A.V
Light goes on shadows sleep WAKE UP bedperson PLEASE WAKE UP wake up pretty girl please wakeup. Eyes open now girl pretty girl oh pretty please open eyes come with me.
Response = 1
IF Response = 1 THEN
END LOOP
Auugh, stop playing with the light switch! Either leave it on, or turn it off! JUST LEAVE IT IN THE SAME FREAKING PLACE overreaction much WHAT DID I TELL YOU BEFORE fine, fine!
C.L.I.C|K.W.A.V
Light goes off shadows creep bedperson out of bed now go go now please Noa say please go now pretty girl Duel Disk ooh shiny Duel Disk Noa like those GET OUT OF BED
Pause 500
Okay, that does it. It doesn't matter who you are, I am obliterating you. Right. This. Freaking. Minute.
Try opening your eyes first.
Hello, white ceiling!
Hello, white blanket!
Hello, grey steel...?
Yeah, about that…Hello, blue LEDs! Hello, guillotine claws! Hello, evil android!
SHI-
Y.E.L.P|! M.P.3
Don't cry pretty girl make Noa all wet short circuit no tears just please come get up now now
Response = 1
LOOP
Let's stay very still. Maybe it'll go away it won't but it might still won't shutupshutupshutupshutupumshutupshutupbakura?shutupshutupshutupyou listening?shut up sh ut u p…shh…
Yes, Marik?
It's still there.
S.H.O.U|T.M.P.3
IF Filename = 'Shout' THEN
Comfort ();
Don't cry pretty girl Noa here Noa alive not really sort of anyway just want to help honest really truly want to help take my hand pretty girl.
Response = 1
Pause 500
No no get away from me i'll butcher you I mean it seriously stop interrupting sorry you're still doing it i'm sorry but I have no intention of stoppingWAIT.
Wait.
Did he…she… it just call me a girl?
Yes. Why? You're a girl, right?
Why, you little here it comes runrunrunrunrun you're lying down fine then rollrollrollrollroll
T.H.U.N|K.W.A.V
Light goes on shadows sleep–
ERROR ERROR ERROR variable 'Target' not found.
If Data = 0 THEN
WalkForwards
Motor1 =1
Motor2 =1
Obstacle = 1
IF Obstacle = 1 THEN
TurnWalkLeft
Motor1 = 0
Motor2 = 1
Target = 12
12 = Sighted
PRINT ("Target Sighted")
Accessing Laughtrack Database…
Funny pretty girl Noa likes funny fall out of bed not Noa you fall come now Noa wants you now come come come girl please pretty please
Pause 500
Ow my face wood floor owww stop whining already you're the one who screamed that was my host yeah right no, seriously, it was! I mean… um, well, you see no, I see a robot! OH NOOOO RUNRUNRUN rollrollroll smartass stop interrupting me but I'm panicking well DON'T hit it with a pillow you really think a pillow would stand up against a HOLY RA IT'S REALLY GOT A yeah I know!
B.A.N.G|! W.A.V
Noa asked nicely pretty girl come you will come now Noa says you must come with a please and a now now or Noa will shoot bang gun flash boom pretty girl fall down red then wings sky. Splatter red everywhere, just like Noa was. Then, silver wires computer mind…
But pretty girl doesn't have that.
Pause 500
So. It's got a gun. And an offer.
Not much of a damn offer.
You don't say, Sheerluck.
It's pronounced–
I know how to say Sherlock, it was just a DUCK!
B.L.A.M|! W.A.V
Come NOW pretty girl NOW or Noa trigger press AGAIN three times not miss third time lucky
Pause 500
Okay, I'm coming, I'm coming! Stop bleating at me! No manners at all!
Is this a good idea?
Oh, of course – here I am, choosing to follow a psychopathic robot, with a gun, who thinks I'm a girl, down a very dark corridor, which may or may not be inhabited by dark shadow creatures and an axe-crazy, knife-wielding, Egyptian, git. It's the best decision I've ever made in my whole life! I mean, what could possibly go wrong?
Don't you start getting all sarcastic on me, Bakura.
Don't you start getting all spitty on me, Marik.
H.I.S.S|S.M.P.3
Into bedroom pretty girl safe safe on bed now now.
Pause 500
This had better not be kinky bondage stuff with wires and the suchlike... If it is, I think I'm going to scream again hey, that wasn't me the first time! I said and I don't believe you suit yourself.
N.O.A|E.X.E
Ohhh, now program run run mind wires me as in myself as in Noa as in measdfghjklqwertyuiopzxcvbnm ,./
alive
me
living
breathing
me
…Do I want to know where that battery is going no you don't run run run he'll shoot oh right why is he bending over me i don't know, don't care OH RA OH RA JUST GET OUT OF HIS FACE does it classify as abuse if it's a robot i think so yes great, I'm being abused by a robot...
That's a new one.
A.L.I.V|E.B.A.S
Activating storage device…
Preparing mind to mind transfer…
SD Card deployed...
Lip lock = 1
What do you reckon it's doing with its tongue in my mouth i have no clue oh wait, i think it's a memory card not much better.
Progress: 20%
My head hurts... Memory... try not to feel it, this is creepy who are you again?
you
Progress: 40%
Ghh… I… what… what is he doing…He's not... He is!
are
Progress: 60%
hold on, hold on, hold on I can't, I can't, I can't...
mine
Progress: 80%
Hear that? i definitely heard that, he's pushing me out too not good not good not good!
safe
Progress: 100%
I'm fading… can't even… evn..thn..Bye…
mine
TRANSFER COMPLETE. ERASING BACK UP FILES.
think
mine
Mine…!
Mine!
MINE!
E.N.D|E.X.E
Notes:
1. This format is roughly what PICAXE and BASIC programming looks like, and has been mixed with some Java. I've programmed with those languages before, and figured that it would be a nice touch to throw them in - most of the terms are self-explanatory, but there's a few that might raise eyebrows: "Pause 500" means "Wait half a second", the i++ statement is a counting loop, which increases the sheep count by one every time it is used, and when Motor1 = 0, motor one is turned off (when Motor1 = 1, said motor is turned on)
UAB (Unneccessary Author's Babble)
This. Oh man, this fic gave me hell. At least four rewrites, countless edits. The fact that I was given another pairing made things easier on me (I knew I already had one funny/total crack entry, so didn't feel the need to make this as funny), but still. I actually have right here in front of me another three stories for this pairing, every one of them painstakingly edited.
The title for all four of them is "Of Pendulums, Pet Peeves, and Playing Portal" - it would have been more obvious where the last part came from, had this been one of the earlier stories. 'Pendulum' comes from the idea that you're swapping back and forth between two perspectives during the fic, 'Pet Peeves' comes from the fact that the story had to be written using a technique I really don't like writing for normally, and 'Playing Portal' comes from the whole 'evil computer' thing.
There's one story (second-most-recent) which plays out much like this, but adds in two extra possibilities - YBakura and Marik are suffering a Shadow Game (odd things such as YBakura noting how he'll be able to get out and hit YMarik once the game's over), or they're simply playing the video game Portal (Marik mentions a walkthrough and tells YBakura to 'mash X' a few times, while Noa talks about his graphics card, and how boring it is doing the same thing over and over). Cut for being too confusing in general, due to the nature of the handicap - the ending is extremely so, with YBakura throwing his controller through the screen, Noa taking his mind, and Marik suffering horribly as they've clearly just lost a Shadow Game. I'd like to do something ambiguous like this, but it still has to actually make sense.
There's another story (third-most-recent) where it's just YBakura, no Marik backchat. And the fic stops when YBakura says "Ohhh, this had better not be kinky bondage stuff with wires and the suchlike..." , leaving things quite open. Cut for being far too scary to proof-read, and very one-sided to boot - there was no real way for YBakura to show what was going on, not without spouting utter gibberish. This is why Marik was added in the two later rewrites - his conversations with YBakura helped things hugely, as it meant that they were conversing in a fairly coherent form that I could at least comprehend and write.
And there's a third version (first written) which is YBakura vs Noa in a mind game. It was very different to what I ended up with (the oneshot you just read) - there's even a poem (yes, poem, I wrote a freaking poem) at the start of that one. Cut for being waay too grimdark/confusing.