"Love, Brian"
By: Ann
**
Author's Note: This is my first attempt at fan fiction, so if it sucks, just bear with me. This was hard story to write, because it's not easy getting into Brian's head. The character of Brian is so complex and mysterious, but I'm always up for a good challenge. Enjoy the story, and please give me feedback!
**
The dance. The kiss. Justin. The parking lot. That fucking bastard Chris Hobbs. Justin. Blood. Justin. Hospital. Mikey. Justin. JUSTIN!
My eyes flew open when Michael shook me into consciousness. "Brian....Brian can you hear me? Brian wake up!." I looked around in a daze. I am still sitting on the same fucking chair I had sat down in 5 hours ago when I got here. "Sorry I....I dozed off," I said, trying to make my voice sound less shaky. What the fuck am I doing dozing off at a time like this? I glanced down the hallway for anyone who could tell me how Justin was doing. This was all my fault. I should have never shown up at the prom. Hell, I don't even know what made me show up in the first place. I looked across the lobby to meet the angry eyes of Craig and Jennifer. They blame me, and I know it. They blamed me from the beginning, when they found out their son was gay, when they found out I took him home. If only I had gotten to Justin sooner.....if only I hadn't pulled Justin out into the parking lot......if only I hadn't been there at all. I should be the one on that stretcher. Tears are rolling down my face...no not again. I need to be strong for me and for Justin.
Michael put his arm around his friend. He hadn't seen Brian cry since his father died, and even then it wasn't this bad. Michael felt bad for what happened to the Boy Wonder. Sure, Justin annoyed the hell out of him sometimes......okay, all the time, but he was a good kid, and he meant a lot to Brian.....more than Brian could ever admit to. He looked around the hospital lobby. Mom and Vic were the first to show up, then Jennifer and Craig, Justin's parents. Emmett and Ted showed up an hour later with flowers. Ted had just gone to visit Blake in rehab, only to find he checked himself out. It seemed shit was raining down on all of them in every direction. Emmett was crying his eyes out, which didn't make the situation any better. Daphne arrived looking deathly pale, her prom dress ripped at the bottom from running across the parking lot. Lindsey and Melanie showed up holding Gus. Brian's face lit up a bit at the sight of sonny boy, and Lindsey was more than happy to deliver him to Brian's waiting arms. Melanie said there were a ton of people outside from Babylon, the Diner, and Woody's holding signs that said 'GET WELL JUSTIN'. Even Sheba, the Queen of Babylon, stopped by on her way to the best pecs contest at Boy Toy with a huge bouquet of flowers with a note that said, "To my King of Babylon, get well soon honey. Sheba." A doctor had been by a few times to tell them how Justin was doing. He seemed to be coming out of it, but it was still too early to tell. The doctor said that if Brian hadn't distracted Chris by yelling Justin's name, Justin would have taken a full blow to the back of the head, which would have been instantly fatal. Michael looked over at Justin's dad, who was glaring at Brian. Michael tightened his grip on Brian's shoulder. He couldn't help thinking about David. What was he doing right now? Did he get there okay? Will the airline ticket still be good tomarrow? It didn't matter, he'd buy another. He felt bad for not getting on the plane, but Brian needed him, hell everyone did. He couldn't turn his back on his friends. Michael sighed. This was going to be a long night.
I felt Mikey grip my shoulder. I was glad he was here, yet at the same time I felt bad. He finally met a guy who loved him, and I ruined it. When all this blows over I am buying that fucking plane ticket myself, and he is getting on that plane to Portland. He's been following me around for so long he forgot he had a life to live. I may not like the Doc, but he's good for Mikey, and that's good enough for me. My mind keeps going back to Justin. I want to see him, but the doctors won't let anyone in. This hospital lobby is driving me insane. The lime walls make me want to puke. Where's the funeral march to top it off? I have to do something.....I can't sit here and lose myself. I don't want to cry in front of all these people. I'm not weak! Why does Justin have to do this to me? When he's around me I lose control. I can't think or act....all I can do is feel. Lindsey and Mel are here now, and they brought sonny boy. Perfect timing, as usual. Lindsey walked over and put him in my arms. Whatever small comfort I can get.....it's not comforting enough. Gus was named by Justin the night he was born.....the night we met. Gus is gripping a teddy bear that I don't remember buying for him. It was probably from Justin. God, please let Justin be okay. Don't take him away from me. The doctor is coming back. Hopefully he has something good to say this time.
The doctor walked into the lobby and was shocked at the large crowd that greeted him in anticipation. He cleared his throat and asked for the parents. Jennifer and Craig stood up and followed the doctor down the hallway. Emmett had stopped crying and was now pacing back and forth, driving Melanie insane. Melanie grabbed Emmett by the wrist and pulled him into the seat next to her. Emmett started to whine in protest, but Mel shot a look of death at him and he was silent. Ted was staring at the bouquet of flowers he brought. They were supposed to go to Blake, but Blake had checked himself out. He chose his drugs over him, and that hurt more than anything else in the world. Ted didn't want to admit it, but he knew Emmett was right all along. Ted was stubborn, but he couldn't help it. He always looked out for people. Like Michael, he wanted to be a superhero and save people. Today was a rude awakening. Blake had to want to be saved, and he chose differently and there wasn't a damn thing Ted could do about it. Justin's parents returned to the lobby all teary eyed and happy. Ted caught a glimpse of Brian trying to stand up. He wondered if they would let Brian in there. He hoped they would.
I lost it. As soon as I got word Justin was okay, I lost it. I must look like a fool sitting here crying. But I don't care anymore, let them think I am. Let them think I'm weak and vulnerable. I think they knew my hard ass exterior was bullshit all along. His parents look happy. Maybe there's a chance they will get back together. Maybe Justin will have his family back. Hopefully his dad will finally accept him for who he is. They're looking at me again. I can't tell how mad they are. His dad probably wants to kick my ass again. I'll let him.....I deserve it. The doctor is motioning in my direction. Please let me go in and see him. God, his mom is looking right at me. I'm getting up.....my legs are shaking. Mikey had to stand up to support me. I feel so dizzy and drained. His mom is hugging me now. I didn't expect that at all. The doctor is telling me to go with him. Everyone's reaching out to squeeze my hand or pat my back. Why can't they all just disappear? I don't need their fucking pity. They weren't there when that asshole swung that bat. They didn't see me cradling Justin in my arms until the ambulance arrived. So much blood....I'm still holding that fucking scarf. The same scarf I tried to kill myself with just yesterday!? I'm definitely getting rid of this fucking scarf.
**
"Sunshine! Get your bubble butt in here and finish your dinner!" Deb was so happy to have him home. Justin came downstairs with a frown. "I can't finish it!" Deb put her hands on her hips. Justin got the hint and sat down. Deb could be so intimidating sometimes. He forced the rest of the meal down and put the dishes in the sink. The phone rang, and Deb ran over to answer it, thinking it was Michael calling from Portland. It was Brian asking to speak to Justin. "Hey Sunshine, pick up the phone!" Justin ran up to his room and picked up his cordless. "Hello?" There was silence. "Brian I know it's you, Deb has caller ID."
Damn that little shit is smart. I know Deb doesn't have caller ID. I was surprised that Justin knew it was me, considering I hadn't been able to speak. I tried to play it off by laughing. I lightened up a bit. "Are you feeling better?" I waited for a reply. Justin was taking a long time answering. "Yeah I'm doing a lot better....the headaches aren't that bad anymore, and I'm not dizzy when I get up." It was so good to hear his voice, especially since 9 days ago, I didn't think I'd be able to hear it again. "Well if you're feeling better maybe Deb will let you go out." I could see his eyes lighten as I said that. "Out where?" I smiled at his playfulness. I knew he was mocking me. "Oh I don't know....maybe my place?" I heard him mumble "hold on" and then scuffling feet. I guessed he was running down the stairs to ask Deb. After a moment, I heard the feet coming back. "Deb says it's ok, but I have to be back in the morning.....I have a doctor's appointment." Yeah, like the doctors haven't done enough damage. He's on so much medication he could fill up Vic's pillbox for the whole week with just a day's worth. I told him I'd be there in ten. I set the alarm, locked up, and ran across the parking lot to my Jeep, eager to see Justin. I had been talking to him on the phone every day since he got out, but Deb never let him out of her sight until now. I drove by the Diner and Torso as I headed toward Deb's. I saw Emmett in Torso's display window dressing a mannequin. I waved but he didn't see me. I saw Ted walking down the street past Woody's and beeped my horn. I think I scared the shit out of him.....I never saw him jump so high. At his age that must be pretty hard. He should be careful before he breaks a hip or something. God I even make fun of Ted in my thoughts.....
Justin hopped up from the couch as soon as he heard the Jeep pull into the driveway. He kissed Deb and Vic, grabbed his bag, and ran out the door. Vic looked out the window in awe. "That kid doesn't waste any time does he?" Deb put a bookmark in her romance novel and joined Vic at the window and watched as Brian got out of the Jeep.....wait, got out of the Jeep? Aren't they leaving? Brian ran around the side of the Jeep and stopped in front of Justin. They stood there looking at each other for the longest time. Deb smiled. She always dreamed that Brian would finally grow up one day, and now it was happening. She and Vic looked on smiling as Brian leaned in to give Justin a kiss. It was slow and passionate, as if they were savoring each other. Deb went back to her chair and sat down, eyeing the novel she was reading. "You know what Vic, I think we're going to eat out tonight."
We drove back to my loft in silence. I wanted to say a lot of things, but I was never good at expressing my emotions, especially not to Justin. He wasn't supposed to get in my head, to know my thoughts, and to know me better than I know myself. But he did. And I barely told him anything. I shut him out, treated him like shit! Yet he still comes back! We walked the short distance to my loft, got into the elevator, and walked into the apartment. I watched him kick off his shoes. God I missed him so much. I can't believe I'm thinking that! What happened to the old me…..the Brian Kinney who didn't give a shit about anyone or anything. The Brian Kinney who fucked anyone with no looking back, no regrets. I look in the mirror and see a different person, not physically, but mentally. Maybe I can settle down with Justin for the rest of my life. I can't believe I'm thinking about this! Why are you so perfect Justin? Why can't I shake you? Why can't I resist you? Could I actually shut Justin out of my life and go back to what I was? I will never admit it, but I wouldn't go back. I didn't like my life before Justin. It was an endless shithole with no exit, no release. Justin is my release. As I watch him sitting on my couch with his eyes closed, his head lolling back and forth to the music he put on…..he's so beautiful. Why am I so scared of committing to someone? Is it my reputation? I need to stop thinking with my cock and listen to *cough* my heart? What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm having a breakdown. I finally went nuts. I need a drink….I need drugs…..anything. Anything to keep my mind off those three words. The words on the edge of my mind, waiting to come out. But I won't let them. Justin can't know. Why is it so hard for me to say it? So hard to say what I really feel? So hard to say "I love you."
Justin looked through Brian's CD collection until he found what he was looking for. Moby. He put it in the CD tray and hit play. He felt Brian's eyes on him, but didn't shove it in his face. Instead he acted like he didn't notice. He sat down on the couch and shut his eyes, figuring Brian would make the first move. But Brian wasn't moving. Justin wished he could read his mind. He wished he could just crawl inside Brian's head and stay there forever, if only Brian would let him. His thoughts came to a stop when he felt Brian's hand on his shoulder. Justin breathed in deeply, swooning under Brian's touch. It had been so long since they had been alone together. Brian's hand traveled to Justin's chest. Justin stood up and turned to face the object of his affection. Brian stepped over the couch, his eyes locked on to Justin's. Justin ran a hand through Brian's hair as Brian's mouth hovered inches from his lips. Justin leaned in for the kiss.
It felt so good to touch him again. To feel his lips moving over mine. To run my fingers through his hair, down his back. I pulled his shirt over his head, briefly breaking our liplock, giving us time to breathe. He had a hungry look in his eyes. I felt my erection pressing painfully against my jeans. I grabbed my boy wonder and threw him on the couch. I straddled him and started kissing and biting his chest, his nipples. I played with his nipple ring, pulling on it gently with my teeth. I heard him moan in ecstasy. That always got to him. I unzipped his pants and pulled down his briefs, watching as his erection popped out. I didn't notice he had pulled off my black wife beater and was unzipping my pants. I slipped my pants off and threw them on the floor. I kissed him until our lips were swollen. He put his legs over my shoulders and I knew it was time. I grabbed the condom and the lube. He took the condom, ripping the package open with his teeth. He slipped it on me as I applied the lube to my fingers. He gasped as I slipped one finger in, then two, then three, to apply the lube. It had been so long! In minutes I was thrusting into him wildly as he moaned and yelled my name. I love it when he does that. The look on is face alone made me climax. My climax triggered his, and I moaned as I felt his essence spray across my chest. I slumped on top of him and we laid there for a while holding each other. It felt so good to hold him, to feel his body against mine. After a while we got up, took a hot shower together, and I led him to my bed. I pulled down the duvet and got in. Justin jumped in beside me, snuggling against me. I never liked cuddling before. Only Justin. I wrapped both arms around him and kissed his forehead. This could work. I could picture being with Justin. I'm going crazy again. I'm going to sleep. Maybe tomorrow I can think straight.
Justin woke up to Brian kissing his cheek. He rolled over and pulled Brian into a long passionate kiss. "Thanks for last night," he whispered into Brian's ear. Brian smiled and pulled Justin out of bed with him. Brian lost his balance and they both toppled on to the floor laughing. Justin got up, pulling Brian up to regain his balance. Then they dressed each other slowly, planting kisses on each other along the way. When they were dressed, Justin went to the refrigerator and pulled out some guava juice. He then pulled bagels out of the freezer and put them in the microwave. He pulled two glasses out of the cabinet and poured the juice. Brian watched him, smiling. Justin pulled the bagels out of the microwave and put them on a plate. He then brought the plate and the glasses to the table. They ate in silence, casting winks and smiles across the table.
I have to tell him. Okay okay so I thought I was going nuts last night with the whole idea of couples *shiver* and love. Maybe I am crazy, but if I am I don't want to be cured. Justin has to know how I feel about him. It seems to be the only thing he doesn't know about me. Shit maybe he does know. Maybe that's why he stuck around so long. I spotted his bookbag on the floor by the door. Maybe I could write him a note or something. Yeah, a note sounds good. I grabbed a post it note and a pen, and while Justin was putting things away I wrote the note and stuffed it in the smaller part of his bookbag. He didn't notice thank God. We got in the Jeep and I drove him back to Deb's. They weren't awake yet, but they would be within the hour. I kissed Justin goodbye and he got out. Was the note a good idea? I'll have to wait and find out. My heart is pounding….I have never felt like this before. Christ, maybe I am in love. I don't know what love is supposed to feel like, but if it feels like I feel right now I could get used to it. I didn't even need my latte this morning. It's going to be a good day, I can feel it.
'History class sucks dick,' thought Justin as he scribbled on his notebook. He couldn't believe he still had to finish the year in this school. He was glad in a way, because he could graduate with Daphne. Chris Hobbs was expelled and in jail, so he wouldn't be seeing him anytime soon. "Hey Justin! Justin? Hello?" It was Daphne, trying to get his attention. He looked up and smiled at her. "What do you want?" She giggled. "May I borrow a pencil?" He smiled and unzipped the lower part of his bag. He knew there had to be one in there somewhere….ah there it was, right next to a yellow post it note. He handed Daphne the pencil, then focused on the post it note. It was folded into fourths. He picked it up. His name was scrawled on the outside. It was Brian's handwriting, he knew that much. He slowly unfolded it, afraid and excited to see what was written inside. He silently read it, unaware of the big grin that creeped across his face. He let the note fall on to the desk. He stared at it until the bell rang. He made a mental note to tell Deb he would be at Brian's tonight. I think the note would convince her enough. He put his bookbag on and put his arm around his best friend as they walked out into the bright sunlight. It was a beautiful day.
July 3, 2001
Justin-
Words cannot describe how good last night was, not only for you, but for me too. Meet me after school.
By the way, I love you.
Brian
EL FIN
By: Ann
**
Author's Note: This is my first attempt at fan fiction, so if it sucks, just bear with me. This was hard story to write, because it's not easy getting into Brian's head. The character of Brian is so complex and mysterious, but I'm always up for a good challenge. Enjoy the story, and please give me feedback!
**
The dance. The kiss. Justin. The parking lot. That fucking bastard Chris Hobbs. Justin. Blood. Justin. Hospital. Mikey. Justin. JUSTIN!
My eyes flew open when Michael shook me into consciousness. "Brian....Brian can you hear me? Brian wake up!." I looked around in a daze. I am still sitting on the same fucking chair I had sat down in 5 hours ago when I got here. "Sorry I....I dozed off," I said, trying to make my voice sound less shaky. What the fuck am I doing dozing off at a time like this? I glanced down the hallway for anyone who could tell me how Justin was doing. This was all my fault. I should have never shown up at the prom. Hell, I don't even know what made me show up in the first place. I looked across the lobby to meet the angry eyes of Craig and Jennifer. They blame me, and I know it. They blamed me from the beginning, when they found out their son was gay, when they found out I took him home. If only I had gotten to Justin sooner.....if only I hadn't pulled Justin out into the parking lot......if only I hadn't been there at all. I should be the one on that stretcher. Tears are rolling down my face...no not again. I need to be strong for me and for Justin.
Michael put his arm around his friend. He hadn't seen Brian cry since his father died, and even then it wasn't this bad. Michael felt bad for what happened to the Boy Wonder. Sure, Justin annoyed the hell out of him sometimes......okay, all the time, but he was a good kid, and he meant a lot to Brian.....more than Brian could ever admit to. He looked around the hospital lobby. Mom and Vic were the first to show up, then Jennifer and Craig, Justin's parents. Emmett and Ted showed up an hour later with flowers. Ted had just gone to visit Blake in rehab, only to find he checked himself out. It seemed shit was raining down on all of them in every direction. Emmett was crying his eyes out, which didn't make the situation any better. Daphne arrived looking deathly pale, her prom dress ripped at the bottom from running across the parking lot. Lindsey and Melanie showed up holding Gus. Brian's face lit up a bit at the sight of sonny boy, and Lindsey was more than happy to deliver him to Brian's waiting arms. Melanie said there were a ton of people outside from Babylon, the Diner, and Woody's holding signs that said 'GET WELL JUSTIN'. Even Sheba, the Queen of Babylon, stopped by on her way to the best pecs contest at Boy Toy with a huge bouquet of flowers with a note that said, "To my King of Babylon, get well soon honey. Sheba." A doctor had been by a few times to tell them how Justin was doing. He seemed to be coming out of it, but it was still too early to tell. The doctor said that if Brian hadn't distracted Chris by yelling Justin's name, Justin would have taken a full blow to the back of the head, which would have been instantly fatal. Michael looked over at Justin's dad, who was glaring at Brian. Michael tightened his grip on Brian's shoulder. He couldn't help thinking about David. What was he doing right now? Did he get there okay? Will the airline ticket still be good tomarrow? It didn't matter, he'd buy another. He felt bad for not getting on the plane, but Brian needed him, hell everyone did. He couldn't turn his back on his friends. Michael sighed. This was going to be a long night.
I felt Mikey grip my shoulder. I was glad he was here, yet at the same time I felt bad. He finally met a guy who loved him, and I ruined it. When all this blows over I am buying that fucking plane ticket myself, and he is getting on that plane to Portland. He's been following me around for so long he forgot he had a life to live. I may not like the Doc, but he's good for Mikey, and that's good enough for me. My mind keeps going back to Justin. I want to see him, but the doctors won't let anyone in. This hospital lobby is driving me insane. The lime walls make me want to puke. Where's the funeral march to top it off? I have to do something.....I can't sit here and lose myself. I don't want to cry in front of all these people. I'm not weak! Why does Justin have to do this to me? When he's around me I lose control. I can't think or act....all I can do is feel. Lindsey and Mel are here now, and they brought sonny boy. Perfect timing, as usual. Lindsey walked over and put him in my arms. Whatever small comfort I can get.....it's not comforting enough. Gus was named by Justin the night he was born.....the night we met. Gus is gripping a teddy bear that I don't remember buying for him. It was probably from Justin. God, please let Justin be okay. Don't take him away from me. The doctor is coming back. Hopefully he has something good to say this time.
The doctor walked into the lobby and was shocked at the large crowd that greeted him in anticipation. He cleared his throat and asked for the parents. Jennifer and Craig stood up and followed the doctor down the hallway. Emmett had stopped crying and was now pacing back and forth, driving Melanie insane. Melanie grabbed Emmett by the wrist and pulled him into the seat next to her. Emmett started to whine in protest, but Mel shot a look of death at him and he was silent. Ted was staring at the bouquet of flowers he brought. They were supposed to go to Blake, but Blake had checked himself out. He chose his drugs over him, and that hurt more than anything else in the world. Ted didn't want to admit it, but he knew Emmett was right all along. Ted was stubborn, but he couldn't help it. He always looked out for people. Like Michael, he wanted to be a superhero and save people. Today was a rude awakening. Blake had to want to be saved, and he chose differently and there wasn't a damn thing Ted could do about it. Justin's parents returned to the lobby all teary eyed and happy. Ted caught a glimpse of Brian trying to stand up. He wondered if they would let Brian in there. He hoped they would.
I lost it. As soon as I got word Justin was okay, I lost it. I must look like a fool sitting here crying. But I don't care anymore, let them think I am. Let them think I'm weak and vulnerable. I think they knew my hard ass exterior was bullshit all along. His parents look happy. Maybe there's a chance they will get back together. Maybe Justin will have his family back. Hopefully his dad will finally accept him for who he is. They're looking at me again. I can't tell how mad they are. His dad probably wants to kick my ass again. I'll let him.....I deserve it. The doctor is motioning in my direction. Please let me go in and see him. God, his mom is looking right at me. I'm getting up.....my legs are shaking. Mikey had to stand up to support me. I feel so dizzy and drained. His mom is hugging me now. I didn't expect that at all. The doctor is telling me to go with him. Everyone's reaching out to squeeze my hand or pat my back. Why can't they all just disappear? I don't need their fucking pity. They weren't there when that asshole swung that bat. They didn't see me cradling Justin in my arms until the ambulance arrived. So much blood....I'm still holding that fucking scarf. The same scarf I tried to kill myself with just yesterday!? I'm definitely getting rid of this fucking scarf.
**
"Sunshine! Get your bubble butt in here and finish your dinner!" Deb was so happy to have him home. Justin came downstairs with a frown. "I can't finish it!" Deb put her hands on her hips. Justin got the hint and sat down. Deb could be so intimidating sometimes. He forced the rest of the meal down and put the dishes in the sink. The phone rang, and Deb ran over to answer it, thinking it was Michael calling from Portland. It was Brian asking to speak to Justin. "Hey Sunshine, pick up the phone!" Justin ran up to his room and picked up his cordless. "Hello?" There was silence. "Brian I know it's you, Deb has caller ID."
Damn that little shit is smart. I know Deb doesn't have caller ID. I was surprised that Justin knew it was me, considering I hadn't been able to speak. I tried to play it off by laughing. I lightened up a bit. "Are you feeling better?" I waited for a reply. Justin was taking a long time answering. "Yeah I'm doing a lot better....the headaches aren't that bad anymore, and I'm not dizzy when I get up." It was so good to hear his voice, especially since 9 days ago, I didn't think I'd be able to hear it again. "Well if you're feeling better maybe Deb will let you go out." I could see his eyes lighten as I said that. "Out where?" I smiled at his playfulness. I knew he was mocking me. "Oh I don't know....maybe my place?" I heard him mumble "hold on" and then scuffling feet. I guessed he was running down the stairs to ask Deb. After a moment, I heard the feet coming back. "Deb says it's ok, but I have to be back in the morning.....I have a doctor's appointment." Yeah, like the doctors haven't done enough damage. He's on so much medication he could fill up Vic's pillbox for the whole week with just a day's worth. I told him I'd be there in ten. I set the alarm, locked up, and ran across the parking lot to my Jeep, eager to see Justin. I had been talking to him on the phone every day since he got out, but Deb never let him out of her sight until now. I drove by the Diner and Torso as I headed toward Deb's. I saw Emmett in Torso's display window dressing a mannequin. I waved but he didn't see me. I saw Ted walking down the street past Woody's and beeped my horn. I think I scared the shit out of him.....I never saw him jump so high. At his age that must be pretty hard. He should be careful before he breaks a hip or something. God I even make fun of Ted in my thoughts.....
Justin hopped up from the couch as soon as he heard the Jeep pull into the driveway. He kissed Deb and Vic, grabbed his bag, and ran out the door. Vic looked out the window in awe. "That kid doesn't waste any time does he?" Deb put a bookmark in her romance novel and joined Vic at the window and watched as Brian got out of the Jeep.....wait, got out of the Jeep? Aren't they leaving? Brian ran around the side of the Jeep and stopped in front of Justin. They stood there looking at each other for the longest time. Deb smiled. She always dreamed that Brian would finally grow up one day, and now it was happening. She and Vic looked on smiling as Brian leaned in to give Justin a kiss. It was slow and passionate, as if they were savoring each other. Deb went back to her chair and sat down, eyeing the novel she was reading. "You know what Vic, I think we're going to eat out tonight."
We drove back to my loft in silence. I wanted to say a lot of things, but I was never good at expressing my emotions, especially not to Justin. He wasn't supposed to get in my head, to know my thoughts, and to know me better than I know myself. But he did. And I barely told him anything. I shut him out, treated him like shit! Yet he still comes back! We walked the short distance to my loft, got into the elevator, and walked into the apartment. I watched him kick off his shoes. God I missed him so much. I can't believe I'm thinking that! What happened to the old me…..the Brian Kinney who didn't give a shit about anyone or anything. The Brian Kinney who fucked anyone with no looking back, no regrets. I look in the mirror and see a different person, not physically, but mentally. Maybe I can settle down with Justin for the rest of my life. I can't believe I'm thinking about this! Why are you so perfect Justin? Why can't I shake you? Why can't I resist you? Could I actually shut Justin out of my life and go back to what I was? I will never admit it, but I wouldn't go back. I didn't like my life before Justin. It was an endless shithole with no exit, no release. Justin is my release. As I watch him sitting on my couch with his eyes closed, his head lolling back and forth to the music he put on…..he's so beautiful. Why am I so scared of committing to someone? Is it my reputation? I need to stop thinking with my cock and listen to *cough* my heart? What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm having a breakdown. I finally went nuts. I need a drink….I need drugs…..anything. Anything to keep my mind off those three words. The words on the edge of my mind, waiting to come out. But I won't let them. Justin can't know. Why is it so hard for me to say it? So hard to say what I really feel? So hard to say "I love you."
Justin looked through Brian's CD collection until he found what he was looking for. Moby. He put it in the CD tray and hit play. He felt Brian's eyes on him, but didn't shove it in his face. Instead he acted like he didn't notice. He sat down on the couch and shut his eyes, figuring Brian would make the first move. But Brian wasn't moving. Justin wished he could read his mind. He wished he could just crawl inside Brian's head and stay there forever, if only Brian would let him. His thoughts came to a stop when he felt Brian's hand on his shoulder. Justin breathed in deeply, swooning under Brian's touch. It had been so long since they had been alone together. Brian's hand traveled to Justin's chest. Justin stood up and turned to face the object of his affection. Brian stepped over the couch, his eyes locked on to Justin's. Justin ran a hand through Brian's hair as Brian's mouth hovered inches from his lips. Justin leaned in for the kiss.
It felt so good to touch him again. To feel his lips moving over mine. To run my fingers through his hair, down his back. I pulled his shirt over his head, briefly breaking our liplock, giving us time to breathe. He had a hungry look in his eyes. I felt my erection pressing painfully against my jeans. I grabbed my boy wonder and threw him on the couch. I straddled him and started kissing and biting his chest, his nipples. I played with his nipple ring, pulling on it gently with my teeth. I heard him moan in ecstasy. That always got to him. I unzipped his pants and pulled down his briefs, watching as his erection popped out. I didn't notice he had pulled off my black wife beater and was unzipping my pants. I slipped my pants off and threw them on the floor. I kissed him until our lips were swollen. He put his legs over my shoulders and I knew it was time. I grabbed the condom and the lube. He took the condom, ripping the package open with his teeth. He slipped it on me as I applied the lube to my fingers. He gasped as I slipped one finger in, then two, then three, to apply the lube. It had been so long! In minutes I was thrusting into him wildly as he moaned and yelled my name. I love it when he does that. The look on is face alone made me climax. My climax triggered his, and I moaned as I felt his essence spray across my chest. I slumped on top of him and we laid there for a while holding each other. It felt so good to hold him, to feel his body against mine. After a while we got up, took a hot shower together, and I led him to my bed. I pulled down the duvet and got in. Justin jumped in beside me, snuggling against me. I never liked cuddling before. Only Justin. I wrapped both arms around him and kissed his forehead. This could work. I could picture being with Justin. I'm going crazy again. I'm going to sleep. Maybe tomorrow I can think straight.
Justin woke up to Brian kissing his cheek. He rolled over and pulled Brian into a long passionate kiss. "Thanks for last night," he whispered into Brian's ear. Brian smiled and pulled Justin out of bed with him. Brian lost his balance and they both toppled on to the floor laughing. Justin got up, pulling Brian up to regain his balance. Then they dressed each other slowly, planting kisses on each other along the way. When they were dressed, Justin went to the refrigerator and pulled out some guava juice. He then pulled bagels out of the freezer and put them in the microwave. He pulled two glasses out of the cabinet and poured the juice. Brian watched him, smiling. Justin pulled the bagels out of the microwave and put them on a plate. He then brought the plate and the glasses to the table. They ate in silence, casting winks and smiles across the table.
I have to tell him. Okay okay so I thought I was going nuts last night with the whole idea of couples *shiver* and love. Maybe I am crazy, but if I am I don't want to be cured. Justin has to know how I feel about him. It seems to be the only thing he doesn't know about me. Shit maybe he does know. Maybe that's why he stuck around so long. I spotted his bookbag on the floor by the door. Maybe I could write him a note or something. Yeah, a note sounds good. I grabbed a post it note and a pen, and while Justin was putting things away I wrote the note and stuffed it in the smaller part of his bookbag. He didn't notice thank God. We got in the Jeep and I drove him back to Deb's. They weren't awake yet, but they would be within the hour. I kissed Justin goodbye and he got out. Was the note a good idea? I'll have to wait and find out. My heart is pounding….I have never felt like this before. Christ, maybe I am in love. I don't know what love is supposed to feel like, but if it feels like I feel right now I could get used to it. I didn't even need my latte this morning. It's going to be a good day, I can feel it.
'History class sucks dick,' thought Justin as he scribbled on his notebook. He couldn't believe he still had to finish the year in this school. He was glad in a way, because he could graduate with Daphne. Chris Hobbs was expelled and in jail, so he wouldn't be seeing him anytime soon. "Hey Justin! Justin? Hello?" It was Daphne, trying to get his attention. He looked up and smiled at her. "What do you want?" She giggled. "May I borrow a pencil?" He smiled and unzipped the lower part of his bag. He knew there had to be one in there somewhere….ah there it was, right next to a yellow post it note. He handed Daphne the pencil, then focused on the post it note. It was folded into fourths. He picked it up. His name was scrawled on the outside. It was Brian's handwriting, he knew that much. He slowly unfolded it, afraid and excited to see what was written inside. He silently read it, unaware of the big grin that creeped across his face. He let the note fall on to the desk. He stared at it until the bell rang. He made a mental note to tell Deb he would be at Brian's tonight. I think the note would convince her enough. He put his bookbag on and put his arm around his best friend as they walked out into the bright sunlight. It was a beautiful day.
July 3, 2001
Justin-
Words cannot describe how good last night was, not only for you, but for me too. Meet me after school.
By the way, I love you.
Brian
EL FIN