Posted before I could actually submit it to the relevant competition thread, because I expected to have only fleeting internet access for a week, on a very strange computer, and thus would be likely unable to upload this fic to the Docs Manager when the thread did go up.

Warnings: Fourth wall is absolutely butchered, this is borderline crack as most of my fics are, please read the handicap to see why the fic might not make much sense to you, or indeed anyone else.

Length: 2,287 words.

Time Period: Duelist Kingdom (I usually abbreviate it to DK), during the duel between Pegasus and Kaiba.

Handicap: I really wanted to perform this particular handicap for this round with my other ship (Rerunshipping), but I had to choose between a handicap that might improve my writing, and this very fun one. Ultimately, I chose the other handicap to improve my writing – but then I was suddenly able to adopt another pairing as well, giving me the ability to take on both handicaps!

Due to covering various loopholes in the system with a large number of restrictions, the actual handicap is quite long.

'I will base the entire oneshot upon a random paragraph I pull out of a generator at , which has been set with 'Pegasus' as the primary subject, and 'Kaiba' as the secondary subject. I have five conditions:

One, all sentences within the paragraph must be somehow shown in the fic. By this, I mean that I cannot just take the one sentence of the paragraph that makes sense, and base my story around that – no, the thing MUST be based off the whole paragraph. Every sentence there must happen, no exceptions.

Two, I am not allowed to go easy on myself and write pure crack, or just write something utterly original, then substitute 'Kaiba' and 'Pegasus' for 'Bob' and 'Todd'. All characters must stay relatively IC, and the fic is NOT allowed to be AU (Alternate Universe), AR (Alternate Reality), in any way lemon, lime or citrus, or horribly serious.

Three, the story must make sense, even though the paragraph likely won't – I cannot simply describe the paragraph more fully, I MUST show what is going on, give somewhat logical explanations for what is going on.

Four, I am allowing myself to have four attempts at the generator – I will generate four random paragraphs from the site one after another, record them, and then choose to use either paragraph 1, 2, 3, or 4 for the fic. I must then show all four options here, and state which one I am going to use before I write the fic. Once I have made a decision, I cannot change my choice.

Five, I can and must rewrite my chosen paragraph after picking it, to help myself build a coherent plotline – both the original and the rewrite must be shown somewhere in the final document. However, I am not allowed to rewrite any of the four paragraphs, until AFTER I have made a decision as to which one I will be taking on.'

My four generated options were:

1. 'Pegasus mounts Kaiba. A rescue shines! The notable multiplies beside the fatuous shot. Pegasus rocks the hierarchical enemy. Pegasus repeats a withdrawing pain beneath the helicopter. The waffle disguises Pegasus below a rope.'

2. 'Pegasus braves Kaiba around the gathered crew. Underneath the signed temperature pants Kaiba. Kaiba argues on top of Pegasus. Pegasus forces the violin beneath the author. Pegasus shifts underneath the print prefix. Pegasus smokes Kaiba.'

3. 'Kaiba enters. An endeavor speculates against the permitted thrust. Pegasus shapes Kaiba above the root gas. Pegasus deletes the insidious bugger. How does Pegasus act? Pegasus zones the horrified pan beside the agricultural parody.'

4. 'How can Kaiba posed the praise? Under Kaiba pumps the formal hindsight. Pegasus coughs under Kaiba. Pegasus draws your emphasized economy after a photograph.'

And I choose… *drum roll*… Numero Duo! There's an explanation of how I made this fic in the UAB (Unnecessary Author's Babble) at the end, and also of how it ties into Paragraph Number Two, if you happen to be interested.

Feedback: In general, I do like a nice bit of feedback. Providing it isn't something like "UR FIC SUKS STUFF U", I'll be happy anyone even bothered to R&R – I already flame myself, so there's no reason for my needing any more of it. Respectful concrits are probably liked the most, as they help me to improve (and there's lots of room for improvement). This time, my main annoyance lies in how well I translated the random paragraph into a cohesive one-shot - so any opinion on how I did with that would be greatly appreciated.

I'd also be interested to know if anyone would like me to attempt a handicap like this a second time, seeing as the results vary a great deal every time I hit that 'Generate Paragraph' button.

Of Rigging, Recaps, and Randomness

Welcome to Definition Time, the show where… well… something. Today we are taking a break, because these ones should be blatantly obvious to all concerned – yes, even more obvious than they usually are.

That said…

Rigging: Can be netting on a ship, but in this context refers to 'rigging a game' or agreement in order to gain a favorable outcome – that is, cheating. For instance, bending the rules to work your way is rigging. Rolling dice in a certain way to constantly get critical hits is also rigging.

Deliberately writing dumb stuff in the blind hope that people will vote for it because it is different is not rigging.

That's just plain stupid.

Recapping: Also known as 4Kids Syndrome, this refers to the practice of going over something that's already happened, to fill idiots in on what's going on. Sometimes, details or dialogue are changed due to the writer's terrible memory. For instance, you should know that this is Spooner's Definition Time, the show where dumb things happen!

Randomness: Can be used to describe a certain component of chance and probability theory, but in this case is used to describe a story which follows no real plotline, has no real structure, and also has no real meaning whatsoever. It's usually not very well received, with only a few notable exceptions.

See also: Spooner stories.

The man brushes a few white bangs back over his left eye, his face the absolute epitome of 'tragic'. "Oh, my… I'm not sure this is the best idea, Kaiba–Boy…"

His opponent shoots him a look so fierce, it could have made a hyena drop dead on the spot. "Cut the gabble, Pegasus. Let's duel!"

Pegasus sighs melodramatically, though his right eye is glittering with untold malice. "As you wish… Let's duel."

And with those two immortal words, the young man has unwittingly signaled the beginning of a great and glorious battle… or at least, the start of a children's card game, which is being played absolutely seriously by two adults. This is naturally accompanied by overly dramatic (not to mention downright terrible) music, security guards with finger–guns lurking in the corners (advanced technology means that one need only point and yell 'BANG!' for the invisible bullets to start flying), and a cheering support team (which we will get to later). Oh, and you can't forget all those unnecessary brackets, loopholes, and general wayward behavior on the part of The Author. That's part of the fun.

Contrary to popular belief, it is in fact highly unusual to see grown–ups playing a children's card game in the Yu–Gi–Oh ™ franchise. Most of the time it's the teenagers who play, since the kids were bullied into stopping long ago, and the adults are either too busy for such things, or too ugly to show on television. However, these particular individuals are not only classified as 'Bishōnen', they also happen to be the heads of the two companies involved in the production of the card game – and so naturally play the game themselves. To be honest, it would make much more sense for the duel to be a friendly game, or perhaps an exhibition match designed to show off some new cards – but given the sorts of insults flying over the table, this is an unlikely prospect.

"Go, Blue Eyes White Dragon! Gwahahaha!" The brunette leans over the table, in order to shove the offending card in the other man's face. "Lookee, it's the one card you don't have! I'll crush you with this!"

The other CEO looks absolutely mollified, for all of six seconds – he claps his hands to his cheeks. "OH NO! How could I ever escape?!"

"Attack him for me, Blue–Eyes!", Kaiba howls. "White Fire!"

And Pegasus breaks into one of the most irritating smiles ever seen in all of gaming history. "Oh, but wait a moment, Kaiba – Boy! I almost forgot about my face–down card! Obligatory Convenient Plot Device, activate!" He looks directly at a nearby pot plant, and waves. "Available in one in every five hundred Booster Packs at your local card game store – only $9.95 per pack!"

Kaiba gasps, because you always gasp when this happens. "Oh no!"

"Oh yes! This card–"

And now, let us ignore the five–minute long montage of Pegasus explaining to both Kaiba and the pot plant exactly what messed up plot device is being used this time, and instead concentrate on other things.

In a gallery high above the dueling stage, five teens watch in evident worry; three boys, one girl, and one very girly boy – collectively known as 'the crew' by fandom aficionados. Feel free to insert report–card descriptions of each one here, despite the fact that they aren't really important to this story. (1) What they say also isn't of great significance – mostly things such as "Oh no! Kaiba's Blue – Eyes White Dragon card got lost in his jacket pocket!" or "Pegasus is evil!" or even "Um... What's going on again?" – in other words, they're stating the obvious. I mean, you're probably thinking that last one as you read this.

Anyway, the one who is important is conveniently standing off to the side, gazing down on the two duelists like a bird of prey – you know, the adorable vampire chick with the bright green hair, the dragon bracelets, the Millennium Hamster sitting on her shoulder, and Greek God Cards nestled alongside the Green-Eyed White Dragon (2) in her custom–made, fire–breathing Dragon Duel Disk, blatantly ignoring the fact that Kaiba hasn't even invented the Duel Disk yet. Oh yeah - and she's not overly fond of Kaiba, which basically means that The Author wishes to force an embarrassing situation on him. Using the card 'Evil Giggle of Sexiness' (Level 1 Monster, Fiend–type, ATK = Infinite, DEF = Infinite, Effect: All bishies present pull out wedding rings) to distract her peers, Sue G. O (pronounced "SUE–gee–ohhhh now I get it") totters over to the temperature controls, and mashes in a complicated code only special people with the word "Sue" in their names can know. No–one understands why or how Pegasus managed to install this in his castle, but then again no–one really cares. It is important to realize that in most fanfic situations, an original character with the word 'Sue' in their names can do whatever they like with minimal explanation – you're extraordinarily lucky to have what I've given you, improbable as it may sound.

Anyway – the effects of whatever Sue G.O has done to the controls quickly make themselves known. Down on the floor, Pegasus has only just finished explaining what the card does, when Kaiba starts sweating and panting like crazy. He is of course being absolutely blasted by the dry, hot, pepper spray mixed air of a heater, but there is no way for either of them to know this. "Hahh... H'is it… huff… me, or h'is h'it gettin' haahh–hot h'in h–here?"

As the brunette sucks in noisily, pants becoming gasps as the pepper spray makes it even harder for him to breathe, Pegasus checks the self – signed, conveniently placed Industrial Illusions thermometer behind the CEO. We are treated to a close–up, wide angle shot of his visible eye narrowing as he does so. "I do believe the temperature is increasing… rather quickly, as a matter of fact."

"Ghh… hff… so h–hot…" Kaiba's eyes roll back in what is either a dreadful longing for the other man, or heatstroke.

"I suppose I am hot..." An accusing finger points up at Sue G.O, who hastily turns off the heater; "But I do believe our problem is right up there." With a broad, news–host style smile, Pegasus stares once again at the pot plant. "Readers, I am so sorry about this interruption. However, this is an urgent newsflash: It appears The Author is attempting to ship yours truly with Kaiba, as payback for my good opponent here kicking Sue G.O into next week a few weeks ago. Naturally, this calls for a punishment."

Pegasus reaches into the pot, and with a squeal, an anorexic six – year old with flaming red hair, the worst spray–on tan ever imaginable, at least twelve inappropriately placed piercings, and far too much bling in general comes flying out with a wail, to land in a heap in the corner. (3) "Dwon't yoo dware twuch meh!"

"Worst lisp ever, m'dear. Now, for today's punishment…" The older man thinks about it for a second, then his smile widens. "Oh, I know! Shadow Game: Ironic Punishment!" His Millenium Eye glitters for a moment, and suddenly The Author is being forced to play a violin, surrounded by darkening shadows, because darkening shadows happen to look cool.

"NOOOO! Nodeh wiolin! I WATE dose dings! Sooo benweath meh!"

Pegasus shakes his head with a decidedly mocking smile; "You really should have thought about that before you messed with Ka–ack!"

Kaiba yelps in a most undignified fashion at that stage – possibly justified, as the brunette did randomly appear high in the air, and fall heavily on top of Pegasus. The readers are of course advised to think of this as being no more than a last minute, logic defying, revenge act by The Author, because that totally wasn't obvious already.

At any rate, Kaiba recovers quickly, bawling; "I demand a stricter punishment! This is an affront! An insult! And insults will not be tolerated!"

With some difficulty, Pegasus extracts an arm from under himself, and wiggles a finger at the brunette, lifting his neck up from the floor in order to speak: "No, no – eternal damnation and torture is easier on the paperwork than murder. Mostly because no–one can prove you did it."

Kaiba thinks about this for a moment, as always unwilling to admit that Pegasus might just have a point. Eventually, he smirks: "All right. if I win this duel – and I will win – I demand that I be allowed to… help The Author to see the error of her ways."

"Ohhh, I'm so sorry Kaiba–boy…" The evil grin is lost in the plush carpet, but it's there. "I can't do that."

"Why?"

An almost delicate yawn from the carpet. "Let's check the dueling agreement, shall we?" The two of them untangle themselves from around each other, walking back to the duel table to their original places. The Author is screaming blue murder by this point, but no–one's listening to her – after all, in the Shadow Realm, no–one can hear you scream.

"Right. I'll read this out loud, so you can hear it."

Even though he of course knows exactly what Kaiba will say, Pegasus still leans eagerly over the table as if about to receive the best news he's ever heard in his life. He beckons hurriedly: "Go on, do go on…"

Kaiba gives him a funny look, but begins to slowly read out loud all two thousand, nine hundred and forty–two clauses.

Half an hour later, because time skips are just sooooo great:

"Number Five Hundred and Sixty Four: 'I, Maxmillion Pegasus, swear this: If Seto Kaiba wins this duel, he may take my company. But he is not to take Pooky, my teddy bear companion.'"

"Oh, yes. Pooky is very dear to me, you know." The comment may sound ditzy, but the way Pegasus says it is supremely calculated to irritate Kaiba just… so.

The brunette just shakes his head in disbelief, and carries on: '…Number Five Hundred and Sixty Five: 'I, Maxmillion Pegasus, swear this: If I win this duel, Kaiba's soul is taken. If Kaiba wins this duel, his soul is taken'…Wait a second! WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?! I thought it said 'If Kaiba wins this duel, my soul is taken'!"

Pegasus carefully leans back, folding his hands in his lap."Prefixes, Kaiba. One little prefix is your undoing, it seems…"

"Then I quit!" In one fluid movement, Kaiba flips the table sideways, managing to stomping on his deck before it can even hit the floor. He then proceeds to jump on his own cards several times, screaming all the while:

"Cheater! Senile old man!"

"Oh?" By this point, the older man's grin is so wide that it could make a crocodile back down in terror; "You forfeit? Well… I suppose it's game over…" The Millennium Eye glows again, and Pegasus chuckles as if he just made a rather good joke. Tongue playing around pale lips, he sighs in pleasure at the screams Kaiba makes. Until they fade, and there is silence – that never ceases to amuse.

As the next order of business, he straightens his frills. There are many of them, and it is of the utmost importance that he keeps them curled over just so – it allows companies to make more realistic toys and figurines showing his likeness.

And casually, ever so casually, he collects his cards off the floor… along with one extra, one that is lying next to Kaiba's now unconscious body. There is a picture on it, one of his rival, his face pressed up against the card as though he is trying to escape. With a giggle, Pegasus decides to disrespect the man even more – taking out a lighter, he rolls up this extra card, puts it in his mouth, and lights the end, puffing out a few Kaiba–shaped clouds of smoke.

"I do enjoy a nice cigar from time to time…", he muses – and then is interrupted by an angry shout from the gallery:

"Wha–what are you doing?!"

"What am I doing?" With a smile as bright as the sun, Pegasus looks up at the observers – and just for a second, that innocent smile turns absolutely vicious: "…I suppose you could say I'm smoking Kaiba."

He holds up his deck, face once again innocent. "So, anyone for a game of Duel Monsters?"

Notes:

1. Having a stab at myself here, as I'm somewhat prone to describing characters like that.

2. In the famously bad Hong Kong YGO subs, the Blue–Eyes White Dragon is known as the "Green-Eyed White Dragon"

3. Deliberately made this description to look nothing like myself, as The Author and yours truly are very different people. I apologize if this person happens to resemble yourself.

UAB (Unnecessary Author's Babble)
Wondering how I made sense of my handicap, or how exactly the fic ties into what I was meant to base it off? Well, here's Randomly Generated Paragraph Two again:

'Pegasus braves Kaiba around the gathered crew. Underneath the signed temperature pants Kaiba. Kaiba argues on top of Pegasus. Pegasus forces the violin beneath the author. Pegasus shifts underneath the print prefix. Pegasus smokes Kaiba.'

Because the fic was to be based off the paragraph, I didn't have to follow it to the letter – huzzah, a loophole! I then rewrote it to get a somewhat sensible plot line for a one–shot. To do this, I used some alternative word meanings, inserted my own explanations for what was going on, and absolutely slaughtered the fourth wall. Here's the rewritten version, which was then used to write the fic:

'Pegasus and Kaiba are dueling during DK, while the rest of the YGO crew watches. The resident Mary Sue in the room deliberately messes with the temperature controls for the room, so sitting underneath a signed thermometer, Kaiba begins to sweat and pant in front of Pegasus. Pegasus gets upset with The Author for forcing a ship, and angrily forces her to play a violin as a Shadow Game Punishment – a horrible embarrassment, as she considers the violin to be beneath her as an instrument. Kaiba demands that the author be given a stricter punishment, as he has now been forced to sit on top of Pegasus for no apparent reason. They argue over how badly to punish The Author, and Kaiba swears that as soon as he wins, he'll murder The Author. In reply, Pegasus shifts his allegiance to Chaotic Evil, pointing out the fine print in the dueling agreement – due to a single prefix that reads 'your' instead of 'my', Kaiba's soul will also be taken if he wins the duel! Kaiba rage quits, and Pegasus sets fire to Kaiba's soul card and uses it as a cigar. This means that he is smoking Kaiba's soul, and since the soul is what defines a person, he's effectively 'smoking Kaiba'.'

This round was great fun, and I'm seriously considering repeating this handicap for next time!

Oh, and in case you're still wondering: The title is "Of Rigging, Recaps, and Randomness" - 'rigging', because in the story, Pegasus rigs the duel to end in his favour, and the author tries to rig things so that Pegasus X Kaiba happens, 'recaps', because this could be considered a short recap of the duel and its ending (which has been changed but results in the same outcome as the original duel), and 'randomness', because the fic was written from a single, utterly random paragraph.

And of course, it makes for a very convenient ending, the sort of thing only an idiot like me would go for. I've never pleaded, but this is too tempting...

R, R & R!