Okay, you people have my beta to thank for this one. We were talking about Artemis Fowl and how it's so awesome and the topic came up; what is Artemis actually bad at? I figured he would be a bad singer because he's so good at everything else. And then this plot bunny just popped into existence and I couldn't stop myself! Anyway, this was so much fun to write, so read and review people! Actually this is my first AF fanfic so tell me what you think.
I don't own anything that Eoin Colfer does, sadly enough. Boohoo!
This one's for you, rukiachan15!
A Lack of Talent
"Artemis!" Holly shouted, cupping her hands so the sound could carry through the large, mostly empty house. "Arrrttteeeemmiiiiiiiss! Where in Frond's name are you?"
It was summertime in Ireland, a cause for celebration and relaxation. The Fowl family was currently spending their leisure time with various relaxation activities. Angeline was at a spa in Switzerland, currently being worked over in every way a human being could be. She had booked the spot at the world-renown spa six months in advance. Her parting words before she hopped on the plane to Artemis were, "I don't want to be disturbed unless the mansion burns down or one of your situations with your little friends comes up and you need to save the world again. Try to avoid any apocalypses while I'm gone!" With that, she had kissed Artemis on the cheek and boarded the plane, humming as she did so.
Artemis Senior and the twins were in the Carpathian Mountain spending some 'man time' away from the house. This included camping, fishing, and otherwise directly interacting with nature. When Artemis had been approached with an invitation, he had declined with as little disgust on his face as possible.
Butler and Juliet were away on a wrestling tour. It was Juliet's shot at the Ultimate Champion title, and Butler had gone to Mexico with her to cheer her on and strip the people betting against her of their money. After all, if they were betting against his sister they deserved what they had coming to them. Plus, after the last wrestling match had gone terribly awry, he wanted to make someone was there to watch her back, just in case. However, there had been just one problem. Who was going to guard Artemis while he was away? After all, there would be no one in the house, and an intruder could easily overpower his slight charge.
So Butler had called in (begged) some favors, and now Holly would be watching Artemis for three days until Butler got back. But of course, Artemis didn't know that. Yet.
Holly heaved a sigh, hands on her petite hips. Where could that annoying little genius be? He had to be here somewhere. She stepped over the threshold of the Fowl estate, holding a letter from Butler that gave her permission to enter the property. She had no wish to lose her magic. Stomping around the entrance hall, she paused in thought. "Now if I were a Mud Boy, where would I be?" Holly murmured, green eyes flashing. Spinning around, she began to search the house for any signs of life.
The bedroom was out. So were the dining room, the kitchen, and Artemis's study. Holly even checked the gym and the pool, but had no luck. Puzzled, she sat on the windowsill, wondering what she could have missed. When nothing came to mind, Holly began to feel the slightest bit worried. Artemis had a nasty habit of attracting trouble like a female troll in mating season. The possibility that something might have happened to him made her blood run cold.
Suddenly, she cocked her head, listening intently. She heard something! It sounded like a voice, and it was coming from the west wing. "Of course!" Holly groaned, face-palming. The west wing was where the showers were. Relieved that Artemis seemed to be okay, her benign thoughts turned to curiosity. What was Artemis doing, talking in the shower? Planning world domination? Speaking to his multiple personalities (Orion included)? Playing with his rubber ducky? Or maybe something worse.
As these possibilities sprung to mind, Holly's eyes lit up with unholy fire as one word reverberated in her brain like the thunderous voice of God.
Blackmail.
Holly had spent the last some-odd years under Artemis's thumb, forced to go along with his hare-brained schemes and help clean up his messes. Maybe it was time for her to gain the upper hand. The next time the People were in danger, maybe she wouldn't have to bargain for help. She could have some deep, dark, dirty secret on him to insure co-operation. The more Holly thought about it, the better the idea seemed. All she had to do was sneak down the hall and find out what he was saying.
Activating the sound recording device in her omni-sensor, Holly began to slowly creep down the long hallway. She couldn't shield, seeing as the vibration might affect the recording. After all, Holly Short was a fairy who took no chances. Using all her stealth training, Holly crept up to the door where the noise was coming from. Gently pushing the door open a crack, Holly brought the sound to an audible level. And what she heard changed her life forever.
Every night in my dreams
I see you, I feel you
That is how the heart will go on
Artemis Fowl the Second, smartest human on the planet, heir to a crime empire, and the number one nuisance on the People, was in the shower singing "My Heart Will Go On" from the movie Titanic in the most horrible, off-kilter soprano Holly had ever heard. He hadn't even hit a single note so far. The only reason Holly could distinguish the song was she knew the lyrics.
Holly's jaw dropped to the floor. This was not happening. There was no way on Earth this was happening. It just boggled the mind. Every single perception of Artemis Holly ever had had just been smashed into a million pieces. Holly held a hand over her mouth to stifle her laughter, face beet red as she doubled over at the waist. It was all she could do to keep quiet. After all, she didn't want to mess with her recording, did she? This thing had become solid gold. Christmas had come early for one elf this year.
Trying to control her wild, all-consuming urge to laugh her head off, Holly could swear she had never been happier. This had officially become the best moment of her life. All the while, Artemis kept screeching on, oblivious to any audience he might have. And yet he continued on, winding up for the grand finale.
"You're here," Artemis warbled, hitting the climax of the song, "There's nothing I fear, and I know that my heart will go on!"
Oh Arty, thought Holly gleefully, you don't know just how wrong you are. With evil intent for the audio recording she now held, she turned to leave. However, the condensation of the shower had made the floor damp, causing water to pool beneath Holy's feet. In a heart-stopping moment Holly lost her balance, hitting the floor with a thump.
All noise from the other room immediately stopped. The silence that followed was thick like the steam pouring from the now-open door. "Who's there?" Artemis called from inside, once again sounding like the Irish crime lord he was. "Identify yourself!"
D'arvit, Holly thought, climbing to her feet. She had to send this to Foaly before Artemis could catch her and erase the audio. Turning, she ran down the hall, speeding up as she heard sounds of pursuit coming from behind her. Artemis must have gotten out of the shower to chase her. Ignoring the little shiver of pleasure that image sent down her spine, Holly turned the corner and nipped into the storage closet in the hall. In the dark, among the cleaning supplies, she quickly tapped a sequence on her wrist communicator, copying the audio log and sending it to Foaly. Seconds later, Foaly himself popped up her screen, looking peeved and curious at the same time.
"What the hell is this?" Foaly asked crossly, accessing the file on his other computer. Holly looked back at him, panting from her sprint.
"It's your birthday presents for the next century. Don't say I never do anything for you. And make sure it stays safe, I know Artemis can access your computer files," Holly gasped, sitting down on an upended bucket.
"What…" Foaly began to ask, but then the sound began to play and all Foaly could do is listen. His shock-blanked face looked at Holly. "Is this…?" he started, but couldn't seem to be able to go farther.
"Yup," Holly said shortly, the evil grin sliding back on to her face like it had a home there. Foaly looked at her blankly for one more second before bursting into hysterical laughter. He even fell off his modified swivel chair, laughing while all four legs kicked in the air. Holly couldn't help herself, little giggles bursting through as she clamped a hand over her mouth. After all, she probably had a minute before Artemis found her, but a minute was better than ten seconds.
"Oh god," Foaly cackled, rising unsteadily to his feet. "Celine Dion? I had no idea Artemis even listened to that stuff!"
"And his voice!" Holly snickered. "Isn't it awful?"
"I think we have him," Foaly said gleefully, throwing every firewall he knew around that little audio file while simultaneously copying into a disk. He was going to build a separate system for this little file just to keep it safe. "We have him for the rest of his pathetic existence. There's no way you can come back after something like this."
A burst of light cut across Holly's vision, and she blinked frantically. After spending so long in the dark, the sudden light had blinded her. Rubbing her eyes, she blinked frantically to aid the return of her day vision.
"He-hem," cough someone dryly, and Holly froze where she was. She knew that voice. But instead of the cold terror, or even annoyance she usually felt, a slow feeling of triumph and evil humor sparked through her. Squinting as her vision returned she looked up to the cool, blank face of Artemis Fowl staring down at her. He was in nothing but a towel, dripping water onto the floor with his hair a mess, and yet he still managed to look aloof and dignified. The whole façade was wrecked by the small blush that dusted his cheeks. She grinned up at him, looking him straight in the eye.
"Oh, Arty," she said mischievously, grinning her evil grin. "You have no idea how much trouble you're in."
Well, do you like! Hahahaha, review so you can tell me how messed up that was!