I don't usually write sequels, my attention span is way too short for that, but something about this particular alternate universe kind of stuck with me, and three members of my immediate family have struggled with mental illness and my mother recently married a fellow patient she met during a stint in the veteran's association psychiatric ward, so the subject hits pretty close to home. Since the holidays are over I think I feel safe going back to my two stories at a time ritual, but either way, St. McKinley's is almost done (expect a new chapter in the next couple of days), so here is the hopefully welcome sequel to Finn, Interrupted. I hope you like it as much as the original.
He can't figure out why he's forgotten how to tie a tie, his mom taught him when he was 12 years old, and Kurt helped him perfect the art by age 16, but today his mind is blanking as he attempts to make himself look halfway decent for his interview, the most important one of his life. Well, actually the first of eleven interviews he's been on in the last three months was the most important interview of his life, but after that fell through and the others followed he's managed to make himself nervous again. PS 42 is the worst public school in the greater New York area, which would make other aspiring ninth grade History teachers run for the hills, but for Finn it just might be the perfect fit, not because he has history with troubled kids, not even because he was one himself at one point, but because the place seemed to reek of desperation, the same kind of desperation he had become familiar with, because when it came down to it, no matter how good these last few years had been for Finn Hudson, nobody wanted to hire a maniac.
His worst days still feel like a distant memory, like the scars faded to pale white slivers on the insides of his wrists, but he knows that they happened, he was reminded every time a different employer gave him that look, that "not going to happen in a million years" look.
"I still say you should lose the tie," Kurt says, entering the room. "And not just because you've apparently forgotten how they work."
"I have to wear a tie Kurt, it's a job interview," Finn sighs.
"For a teaching position at an inner city high school, they'll eat you alive if you think you're trying to be some kind of authority figure."
"I am an authority figure, besides, the kids aren't going to be the ones interviewing me, Principal Bieste is."
"It's just a suggestion," Kurt says, throwing up his hands. "If it puts your mind at ease I have a good feeling about this one Finn."
"You said that about the last eleven interviews Kurt," Finn says dismissively.
"Yes but this time I'm not lying to make you feel better, trust me, I have it on good authority that PS 42 is desperate for teachers."
"Thanks for having so much faith in me," Finn says sarcastically.
"It's not you I don't have faith in," Kurt explains. "I don't have faith in them, they're so quick to judge anyone slightly unorthodox, but a little birdie told me this Bieste character is looking for the best of the best, the district brought her in to fix that place up and she's starting with a staff that's going to turn things around."
"Wait a minute Kurt, if she's looking for the best of the best then why would she even dream of bringing me in? I graduated with a B average, I've been subbing for less than a year and oh yeah, there's that whole business with me being insane."
"You're not insane Finn," Kurt says, getting to work on Finn's tie. "In fact, you're the best example of bouncing back from the worst, that's exactly what Bieste is trying to do, she's not just desperate for teachers Finn, she's desperate for great teachers."
He can't help the small smile that reaches his lips at his brother's encouragement.
"And once you get this job you and Rachel can finally get your own place," Kurt adds, making Finn's smile fall a little.
"And there it goes," Finn says.
"What?" Kurt says, shrugging.
"Okay, hot off the presses, Finn Hudson's new and improved curriculum vitae," Rachel says exuberantly as she bounces in, the crisp white resume in her hand.
"Wait, what?" Finn says, a bit panicked as he turns toward her. "What do you mean new and improved?"
"Don't worry your pretty little head off Finn," Rachel says sweetly, ruffling his hair, making him instinctively smooth it back down. "I didn't lie."
He takes the paper from her and scans it frantically. "Rachel, babe I just needed you to print it out. I didn't include this stuff for a reason."
"Why wouldn't you want them knowing about the crisis center? Or the after school program or the—
"Hospital?" Finn finishes.
"I just don't understand why you're so ashamed of your past Finn, it's a part of you," she says, stepping toward him and starting to pull at his tie, effectively ruining Kurt's careful work, apparently she agreed about the tie, but she wasn't one for gently suggesting anything. "And I honestly think the fact that you hide it is what makes those principals so skittish, you make it seem worse than it is."
"I attacked my stepfather and tried to kill myself Rachel." Finn reminds her. "It doesn't get much worse than that."
"I think she's right Finn," Kurt says, "And not just about the tie."
"Well it's not like I have time to change it now," Finn sighs. "I guess they would have found out anyway, they always do."
"Finn, you're going to do great, I know it," Rachel insists.
"And then you guys can finally get your own—
"Our own place Kurt, I know, I heard you the first forty times," Finn says, exasperatedly.
"Don't mind Kurt, Kurt and Blaine love us, don't you guys?" Rachel says sweetly.
"Well yeah, but you don't have to rub it in my face," Kurt jokes.
"Alright, time to face the music," Finn says, smoothing his hair one more time.
"Break a leg," Rachel beams.
"I love you," Finn replies, and leans down to kiss her thoroughly, but unfortunately he can't get away fast enough to keep her from mussing his hair again.
"Rachel," he sighs, reaching up to fix it.
"No!" she says firmly, swatting his hand away. "Don't you dare Finn Hudson."
"Thank you, I officially look like a hobo," Finn says, sliding his resume into his satchel and kissing a giggling Rachel one last time before leaving the apartment.
It was almost a year ago, the last time he found himself in that dark, scary place, it was so easy to forget that it was still there, even with the weekly visits to the shrink and cocktail of pills he had to swallow everyday to feel somewhat normal, but there was no escaping it, not really.
It started in the middle of the night, like so many times before when the effects of the drugs were at their weakest. He wanted to wake Rachel up, she always made everything better, but he knew that he scared her when he got like that, he caught her sometimes, tracing the scars on his wrists with her delicate fingers, that pensive look on her face. She was still afraid that it would be too much one day and he would leave her. He would never leave her, he meant what he said that day, if he ever found himself in that place again he wouldn't let it take him, but it was hard some nights, nights like that.
There was something about the cold shower that calmed his nerves, the sound of the rushing water that drowned everything out. He wanted to scream at the top of his lungs but he couldn't, it was suffocating, but she couldn't know, none of them could know. His breath came out hard and sharp as the water poured over him, wetting his clothes and hair.
"Finn, I woke up and you weren't there, are you alright?" Rachel said from behind the door
"Go back to bed Rachel," he cried out.
"Finn, I'm coming in okay," and she did, because of course he couldn't think to lock the door.
"What's the matter sweetheart?" she said softly. "Did you have that dream again—
"I couldn't sleep," he explained, flustered, cutting her off. "I woke up in the middle of the night and no matter what I tried I couldn't make my brain shut up."
"What happened?" she repeated, cutting off the water and kneeling beside him.
"Can you turn that back on please?" he said a bit frantically, and she did without question. "I hate it here sometimes Rachel, I mean I love it because you love it but I hate it, I hate the noise and all the people and how fast everything moves, it's like I can't keep up."
"Finn, everything's okay, you're going to be fine," she said. "Just tell me what happened."
"I can't sleep here Rachel, they won't stop honking," He said, gesturing wildly toward the outside. "What the hell are they honking about out there? It's 4 am why aren't they sleeping? Where could they possibly be going?"
"You just need to calm down, you need to breathe," she said, climbing into the bathtub to sit next to him, paying no mind to her clothes getting wet. "Tell me what's wrong, what's really wrong?"
"What am I going to do here?" He continued. Even with the water running it was easy to see that he was crying. "My head is a mess, and I'm supposed to help kids learn, I can't do it, I'm going to end up just like that guy on the corner who's always trying to sell you hugs."
"That's not going to happen Finn, and even if you did I'm sure you would be far more successful than he is, I've hugged him before and I have to say it's not worth the money."
It was always so hard to tell whether she was joking or just being Rachel, but he couldn't concern himself with that at the moment. It was like she wasn't even there, and he hated it. He just wanted to calm down, and go back to sleep, knowing that things would be clearer when he woke up.
"I can't, I can't be here, I can't do this Rachel, I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm so fucking sorry,"
"Finn, stop, stop, please, stop hurting yourself," she yelled, he didn't even realize that he was banging the back of his head on the tile, he knew that she hated that but he couldn't stop, not until she tried to stop him herself, quickly cupping the back of his head with her hands and crying out in pain when his jerking movements smashed her fingers into the tile.
"Rachel, Rach are you okay? Did I hurt you baby?" He said, finally stopping, his voice shaking as she held her injured hand.
"I'm okay," she assured him, but she didn't sound okay.
"I'm sorry, he cried, I'm so sorry," what scared him the most about his illness, what drove him to take his pills every day even though they made him so cloudy sometimes was the possibility of hurting Rachel, the way he almost hurt Burt that awful day so many years before. She was so tiny, and he was so big and so much stronger, the thought of snapping and hitting her made him feel sick, it was so important to him for her to know that she was safe with him, that he would never hurt her, but sometimes he worried that it wouldn't always be his choice. He took her hand in his, kissing her fingers softly until the look of fear on her face melted away.
"I'm sorry baby," he whispered between kisses, and she gently pulled her hand away from his and cupped his face, kissing him tenderly on the lips. He pulled back a little only to look at her, her deep, dark eyes, her rose petal lips… her neck. He swept her long wet hair behind her shoulder and swallowed hard, it was so easy to forget that she had scars of her own, so much deeper than his. There was so much in her past that still hurt her, he saw the way she shuddered sometimes when he touched her late at night, those scars would always be with her.
"Can you come to bed with me?" She whispered softly. She didn't have to ask twice.
He bounces his knee nervously, thinking back on that night as he waits for his name to be called, he knows that appearing nervous won't exactly make the best impression, but it wasn't an easy thing to help. PS 42 certainly lived up to its reputation, at least on the surface, if the beat up lockers and graffiti peppered about weren't enough to set his teeth on edge, the noise in the crowded hallway certainly was, times like these he's relieved that the pills were doing their job.
"Why don't you back the fuck off Lynn!"
"Last time I checked this was a free country Fuckerman!"
"You guys cut it out, I mean it, this is stupid!"
"Fight! Fight! Fight!"
Finn's eyes immediately dart to the source of the commotion, it's two boys, most likely sophomores, one a fair skinned black boy with a humorless expression, the other a lanky brunette with a scowl that suggests he's tougher than he looks, getting ready to thoroughly wail on each other while a very uncomfortable looking brunette girl tries fruitlessly to stop them. He's been to many schools in his year of subbing and he has seen his fair share of fights, but this is PS 42, it isn't out of line to fear that a gun might be involved. So far there is none that he can see, but it's hard to tell with the tangle of bodies landing hard punches anywhere their fists can reach while the girl shrieks in distress and the crowd cheers them on. He doesn't think about it, or wonder if somebody will come to stop it, he simply darts up from his chair and goes to pull the kid referred to as fuckerman off of the other boy, yelling at them both to end it before it goes too far, both boys are already bleeding, and the girl looks close to tears. This boy is clearly strong, it's hard to get a handle on him the way he's thrashing, but Finn is stronger, and bigger, and before long he's stilled, his arms behind his back.
"Get off me man," Fuckerman grunts, shaking Finn's grip off.
"Who the fuck is this clown?" Lynn says, nodding toward Finn, breathing hard, clutching his bruised ribs.
"Nevermind who I am," Finn answers. "Principal's office, now."
"Who the fuck are you telling to go to the principal's office, are you even a teacher here?" Fuckerman shoots back.
"As a matter a fact he will be if he impresses me in this interview as much as he did just now. Lynn, Puckerman, in my office, now," The woman entering the hall barks in a commanding voice, and Finn instantly notices the way they both jump a little, he can see why. She's tall, and broad, with curly black hair, and a hard look that suggest she's not to be fucked with. "And the rest of you scatter, now unless you're looking to deal with me."
The students oblige, the girl too, but not before mouthing a subtle thank you to Finn, and the two boys disappear into the Principal's office without another word.
"Finn Hudson," I'm Shannon Bieste, she says with a surprisingly warm smile. "How about we talk out here, let those two sweat it out a little.
"Puckerman, why does that name sound familiar?" Finn asks, more himself than Principal Bieste.
"Heck if I know, the kid's been bounced around so many schools, you've probably crossed paths during your subbing," Bieste says with a shrug. "Anyway let's get a look at that resume kiddo."
Kiddo, upon first glance she doesn't seem like the type to refer to someone as kiddo, but it sounds surprisingly sincere and sweet coming from her, and it eases his anxiety a bit. He obliges, reaching into his satchel and pulling out the resume.
"Before you say anything, I know I don't have a lot of subbing experience," Finn says, trying to keep his voice steady as she scans the paper. "But I'm fully committed to—
"Allen County hospital psychiatric facility?" Bieste says, looking up, and he swallows hard before preparing an answer.
"I used to volunteer there before I moved to New York," Finn explains. "Me and my girlfriend, Rachel."
"You're the one I've been hearing about aren't you?" she says, making the hairs on the back of his neck stand up.
"That depends on what you've heard."
"Well, I heard that you were more than a volunteer at that hospital, you did some time didn't you kiddo?"
She doesn't speak with any judgment, it's more like curiosity.
"It was a long time ago," he admits quietly, and he thinks about what Rachel said this morning, about how all of the bad things in his past are a part of who is, and he breathes deep. "I was seventeen when I was diagnosed with severe bipolar disorder, I spent some time in the hospital after a particularly bad episode. But with regular therapy and medication I've gotten it almost completely under control."
"Well, we all have our Demons Finn, can I call you Finn?"
"Sure," his says, his voice a bit choked.
"All in all I gotta tell ya, this is one impressive resume," She says. "Graduated with a 3.3 from Fordham university, worked at an after school music program for disadvantaged kids, you like music huh?"
"I do," he says, trying to sound excited but still terrified on the inside. "Me and my roommate Blaine used to have a band in high school, I played the drums, I sing too, and play the guitar, actually when the teachers don't have too much on the agenda for the day sometimes I'll sing songs from schoolhouse rock, they tend to like that."
"I'll bet they do," Bieste replies. "So, Finn, why teaching?"
He knew she would ask that, they always do, and although he has an answer prepared, something about this woman makes him think she won't exactly be floored by it. So he starts from scratch, hoping he manages to be at least a little articulate.
"I don't know, I guess it's just nice helping other people's dreams come true, you know."
"Well Finn this isn't exactly a place where dreams tend to come true," she says a bit sadly.
"But it could be, couldn't it?" he says, gaining confidence with each word. "I mean, that's why you're here right, to make a difference?"
"Yeah," she says with that same warm smile. "That's exactly why I'm here."
He thinks this may end better than he expected.
She's been waiting for him for over an hour, waiting in her usual space while Kurt and Blaine go on about their business, buzzing around the apartment over one thing or another, she thinks they're arguing about where the vintage movie poster they picked up at the flea market should go, if she weren't so intensely focused on the front door right now she would tell them that the poster obviously belongs in the bathroom, it's a poster for Psycho, where else would be more appropriate? But she doesn't interfere, she only waits in silence, jumping up from her seat only when he walks through the door.
"You got the job," she says as a statement, not even a question, and she can tell he was focusing very hard on not giving anything away through his facial features alone, but she can read him like a book. Every other time in the past few months she's greeted him with a hug and the assurance that it was their loss, but not today.
"How do you always know?" he says deflating a little, and she jumps into his arms with a delighted squeal.
This isn't going to turn into a Dangerous Minds type deal, Finn's experience in PS 42 won't be the main focus here. This is actually more Rachel's story, although still mostly from Finn's POV, just because I write better from Finn's POV. Anywhoo, stay tuned folks!