note: well couldn't resist. count this as a teaser for the rest of season 4 stuff.

will eventually have the story starting at 4.01 but throwing this little bit out there to tide all us junkies over until the finale.

4.11

It's like the actual ground underneath her has cracked, leaving her shaky on the earth, her foundation broken. Carrie keeps hearing Maggie say the words over and over again.

Dad died last night.

She thinks it must be true but it doesn't feel real. Especially with everything else that's happened, the attack on the embassy, the empty station, Quinn on the loose with a kill order on his head. All the death, it's all suddenly surreal, can't possibly be happening.

Carrie's sitting on her couch, looking at the computer. Thinks about calling Maggie back but can't, not yet. Maybe when the ice in her chest isn't so constricting. Or when she's sorted through her list of regrets.

If she'd been on the transport she could have been there by then, maybe even seen him that night. Fuck, if she'd never fucking come to Islamabad at all, ran away from her family, her responsibilities, she could have been around for the last year of his life.

She briefly thinks of Saul, her other father figure. Wonders where he is now, considers calling him but knows he's in no condition for her to lean on right now.

And it's not Saul who she really wants to talk to anyhow, but Carrie's trying her best not to give in to the thought. Because Quinn's fucking pissed off at her and has every right to be. At this point he won't give two shits about her problems, she thinks. And yet she's still sitting there, looking at the German woman's phone number in her hand.

Dad's dead, she thinks yet again. As if thinking it on repeat will make it seem more real. She tries to remember the last time she saw him and realizes how long it's been since she's even thought of him.

I'm a fucking terrible person, Carrie thinks. She's failed her colleagues, her friends, her family. Why the fuck didn't Quinn just tell her so in the first place? Instead of pussyfooting around it, barely saving her from herself in the end.

And now her dad is dead and she hasn't seen him in a year. She's off kilter, vaguely understands she's still in shock. Realizes it's been less than half an hour since she called Maggie. Impossible, she thinks. She's frozen in time.

Carrie looks at the number again, glances at her phone on her lap. Picks it up with a disembodied hand, dials without letting herself think about it.

It goes to voicemail and suddenly Carrie doesn't know what to say, starts to stumble on her words.

"Um... Quinn, it's, well, it's uh, me. Something happened," she stammers tearfully, feeling ridiculous for calling him, wishing she had just hung up before leaving a message. "And, um. I guess I wanted to talk to you. But you probably don't want to talk to me and I deserve that."

And now the whole idea has gone to shit, she can feel the next batch of tears start to overflow, knows she must sound pitiful on the message. All she can do now is finish it off quick, Carrie thinks.

"So.. fuck. This was a bad idea," she finishes quickly. "But call me. If you can. Please."

Carrie hangs up and immediately feels like an idiot. Just another thing she fucked up, she thinks. And now she's made herself look pathetic to Quinn's German girlfriend too, she realizes. Which shouldn't matter. But somehow definitely does.

Fuck, she thinks again. Stares at her wall, cries another round of regrets.

Quinn's mind is entirely on soldering perfect wiring when Astrid enters, his focus absolute.

"Your girlfriend left you a message," she says a bit snappishly. "To call her. She sounded upset."

His concentration instantly broken, Quinn looks up at her, wonders what Carrie could be up to now, does his best not to react to the barbed girlfriend comment. But it's hard not to notice how often he gets accused of this. Sometimes he thinks there must be a neon sign in his chest announcing this fact to everyone but himself.

"Well, she's used to getting her way," he says brusquely, trying to turn his attention back to the device.

"I don't think it was that," Astrid replies.

And of course that's all it takes to set his mind off course, away from the bomb, on a collision course to his own personal source of life-destroying trouble. What the hell could Carrie be calling him about after the fucking shitshow in the parking garage? Despite what he'd said to Astrid, it wasn't like Carrie to play the sobbing maiden - it isn't how she rolls.

So he knows something is up, tries not to let himself think through all the reasons she could be upset enough to leave him a message when she knows exactly how pissed he is with her. But he knows it is futile, was having a hard enough time not thinking about her even before he knew she'd called.

Astrid asks him about the bomb, and he tells her he's going to get Haqqani to come to it. He notices she never asks him about the danger of the job, hasn't once expressed any concerns about what he's doing. Quinn wonders if it's because of an uninformed belief in his abilities, if she thinks he really can escape an entire country of ISI agents and military death squads after blowing Haqqani to kingdom come. Not that he's mentioned that part but she knows the ISI is looking for him and he thinks she should understand what that means. But in reality, he knows Carrie's probably right. Once he's killed Haqqani he'll be an abandoned enemy agent in a foreign country. One against thousands, most likely picked off on his way to the border and then eating a bullet one way or another.

Quinn tries to focus back on the task at hand but now he can't shake the question, wonders what happened. Thinks it has to have been really bad for Carrie to call. Fuck, he thinks. I'm a fucking headcase.

Finally Astrid leaves the room and he hears her start the shower. Quinn waits for another minute, then swears at himself as he gets up, walks over to the phone. Presses play on the answering machine.

"Um... Quinn, it's, well, it's uh, me," he hears. And it's obvious what Astrid meant, Carrie is clearly upset, stuttering her words out between tear-stained breaths.

"Something happened. And, um. I guess I wanted to talk to you. But you probably don't want to talk to me and I deserve that... So.. fuck. This was a bad idea. But call me. If you can. Please," she finishes abruptly, her voice stripped and raw.

He knows it's not a play, can hear the shake in her speech. But he still hesitates, looks at the answering machine suspiciously. Plays the message again, tries not to let it sting.

But obviously it does. No wonder it's become fucking clear to everyone that he has a soft spot for her.

Which is exactly why Quinn doesn't want to return the call. He's been trying to kill his infatuation with her for what seems like eons, thought he had finally escaped her grasp with this last-ditch solo mission.

But after he carries out his plan the next day he will probably never see her again. And he doesn't want to go to his likely death holding onto any nagging regrets. So he lets himself pick up the phone, dial her number.

Carrie doesn't answer right away and then when she finally does she has to catch her breath before saying hello. Quinn can hear her slightly hyperventilate as she tries to stop crying and immediately he's seized by concern. Frustrated with himself, he thinks he should still be angry at her for being stupid enough to try and grab him. But he can't fucking help but forget all that shit as soon as he realizes something big must have went down.

"Carrie?" he asks cautiously. "Are you okay? What happened?

She's still trying to get enough breaths in to talk, takes her a few more seconds to push back the tears.

"No," she finally says. "My dad died."

He had no idea what she was going to say but he had definitely not been expecting that. And now Quinn's almost glad she called but has no idea what to say. And then he thinks fuck, she could have been home by now, should have been safe, with her family. But is here, chasing him instead, pissing him off at every turn, trying vainly to save his sorry ass.

In the end he realizes he hasn't said anything at all and Carrie is talking again.

"Fuck, forget it," she says with a teary huff. "I get it. You're pissed at me. You didn't have to call, I'm hanging up, forget I left that message. It was a mistake."

"Wait, don't," he finally manages. "Shit, Carrie. I just don't know what to say. I'm sorry. I know how much he meant to you."

It feels awkward to bring out his already raw heart, beaten from recent losses. He'd already put it behind the emotional wall, on ice for the mission at hand.

Carrie doesn't reply but doesn't hang up either. He can hear her crying softly, her tears splashing up against the wall, feels it eroding away.

"Do you need to talk?" he asks, feeling both inane and nervous, kicks himself mentally for being such a pussy.

Carrie takes a deep breath and he can hear her trying to shut off the tears.

"I don't know what I need," she finally says. "I feel fucking unhinged. Like I'm drifting. I don't know why I called you, though. Like you want to talk to me right now."

And that's the problem, he thinks. Because he likes it that she called, that she relies on him. And no matter how angry he is at her, all he wants is for her to be alright. But he doesn't know how to convey any of that to her, not with his emotions tied up in so much darkness and hate.

"Shit, Carrie," he finally says. "You can always call."

Carrie makes a 'yeah right' sound and he can see her in his mind, bites his lip as pictures her alone and sobbing. He knows if he were there he would tuck her in his arms and instantly forget about how annoyed he is with her.

"I should have fucking been there," she continues, a little hitch in her voice. "I haven't seen him in so long. I'm a fucking bad person, Quinn. And you've been trying to tell me that forever now. And now I'm sorry but it's too fucking late. Dad's dead and you're gone and I fucked everything up again."

It's like getting stabbed with his own weapon. Carrie finally sees what he's been wanting her to see and now he just wants to take it all off of her, absolve her of all her sins. Because she's paid enough and doesn't deserve to suffer anymore.

Quinn wants to tell her he thinks she's fucking incredible, that he wouldn't have stuck around for anyone else. But it's obviously something he can't say to Carrie and everything he could say sounds ridiculous. He wants to say he's there for her but it's not true - they both know he could easily be dead by the end of the next day.

And then before he manages to say anything, Carrie's crying again and the line drops dead, leaving him sitting staring dumbly at his phone, still saying Carrie's name into the dial tone.

Quinn's considering calling back when he realizes Astrid's done her shower, has walked back into the room and is looking at him with a raised eyebrow and an unimpressed expression.

"So did she get what she wants?" she asks with just the hint of sharpness.

Quinn looks at her, shakes his head tersely, tries to erase the emotion from his eyes.

Astrid gives him a suspicious, knowing look.

"What does she mean to you?" she asks.

He shakes his head again, averts his gaze.

"Just someone I work with," he replies, realizing exactly how stupid it sounds.

Astrid gives him a withering look and he knows he deserves it.

"But you did call her," she persists.

Quinn flicks his eye contact back, tries to look disinterested. Knows he's failed when he sees Astrid's expression.

"So she's a friend," he finally mutters. "Or was. Before she tried to have me abducted in the garage."

He tries to play it cool but Astrid refuses to be deflected, clearly doesn't buy his attempt at icy indifference.

"I never though I would see you so attached," she says with just a hint of accusation.

"Don't say that," Quinn replies, annoyed the conversation has taken this route, thinks he's never had this kind of issue with Astrid before.

But then again that was all before the walking disaster known as Carrie fucking Mathison appeared his life.

"Because it's true?" Astrid replies sharply. "It's what made us work, Peter. Well as far as it ever did work for us. Detachment, on both ends. Because it's all you could ever give. But this, this is something different."

Quinn groans internally because he knows she's right - Carrie makes him lose his composure, do things he would have never imagined himself doing.

He looks at Astrid, tries to put a hard expression back on, feels a twitch in his jaw as he tries to appear unaffected by the conversation.

"We're not talking about Carrie anymore," he says in a low growl, cursing to himself as Astrid gives him a smug look and a long stare, knowing she won the round.

Then finally she walks away but not before looking pointedly at him one more time, then glancing over at the half-formed bomb.

"This must mean a lot for you to do this to her," she says with sudden seriousness. "I never thought I would see you care this much about someone."

With that she walks off, leaving Quinn sitting alone in the dark with a half-finished bomb and a partly obliterated heart, thinking conflicted thoughts about the object of his attachment.