Author's Note: I recently began watching the Arrow. While I'm all caught up now, I wrote this toward the end of Season 2. I don't believe it contains any actual spoilers, but if at any point in the show we get some Felicity on Oliver on Diggle action, I'll tag it.
*meanwhile, underneath Starling City's most prominent night club*
Oliver: I'm really getting tired of everyone calling me The Hood.
Felicity: What should they call you?
Oliver: I don't know. I liked The Arrow.
Felicity: Who called you that?
Oliver: Detective Lance. I think it has a nice ring to it. It's certainly more dignified then The Hood. I don't even wear a hood. It's a cowl.
Felicity: Okay, well, maybe we should hold a press conference.
Oliver: What? Where would I hold a press conference? Why would I hold a press conference?
Felicity: Hear me out. You want to make sure everyone is on the same page about what you want to be called, so let's invite the media, a few celebrities. Oh, I bet Barry would love to make the trip out for that. We'll set it up in front of the mansion have cocktails and…
Oliver: The mansion?
Felicity: Of course, it shows that you have the support of friends and family.
Oliver: You can't be serious. I have a secret identity, Felicity. Secret. I can't hold a press conference in front of my mansion.
Felicity: *looks at Diggle*
Diggle: *shrugs*
Felicity: *looks at Roy*
Roy: *shakes his head*
Oliver: What?
Felicty: Oliver, honey…
Oliver: Don't honey me.
Felicity: You really think there's anyone left who doesn't know your secret identity?
Oliver: I am very careful…
Felicity: No, no of course you are, it's just… who are you hiding it from? Really? All the bad guys already know, all the other heroes, a few people in other cities, anyone who happened to have been on the island you were stranded on, which, by the way, is starting to reach numbers in the range of a small country.
Oliver: Don't exaggerate and my family…
Roy: Don't worry about that, Thea already… figured it out.
Oliver: Roy…
Roy: *looks away*
Oliver: Roy, how does my sister know my secret identity.
Roy: …she's observant?
Oliver: …
Roy: Okay, fine, I may have called her Ollie during sex last night.
Oliver: And that reveals my identity how?
Roy: She may or may not have been cosplaying as you at the time.
Oliver: Damnit, Roy!
Roy: What?!
Oliver: You had no right! It's my decision who knows my identity!
Felicity: Okay, let's just, yeah. Oliver, honey, let's focus, okay? We don't have to hold a press conference. In fact, we don't even have to talk about this right now. At all.
Oliver: What?
Felicity: *wags eyebrows and nods at desk*
Oliver: Oh! Yeah. Yeah, okay.
Felicity: Awesome! Diggle, come on!
Oliver: Hey, wait, I didn't say anything about Diggle.
Felicity: Oh, I just assumed…
Oliver: You keep trying to make decisions for me and I'm not…
Felicity: No, no, of course not. You're in charge.
Oliver: I am.
Felicity: You get to make all the decisions.
Oliver: I do.
Felicity: So, what's it gonna be?
Oliver: … Diggle, get over here.
Felicity: *claps hands excitedly*
Digger: Yes, sir.
Roy: What about me?
Oliver: Uh, no, I don't think so.
Roy: Why the hell not?! You know, despite my boyish good looks and puppy dog eyes, I am legal.
Oliver: I know that. You're also sleeping with my sister.
Roy: That's not fair!
Oliver: Roy, kid, I love you, I really do, but you are horrible at keeping secrets.
Diggle: Almost as bad as he is.
Oliver: I'm going to ignore that. The point it, I love my sister more.
Roy: But…
*door opens*
Thea: Hello, anyone down here?
Oliver: *to Roy* You gave her the code to the door?!
Roy: *shrugs* You try telling her no when she has your balls in a vice. And I mean that literally.
Oliver: *cringes*
Thea: Oliver, there you are. I just came to return your… costume, or whatever you want to call this thing.
Oliver: How did you get my spare uniform?
Thea: Roy stole it for me.
Oliver: *glares at Roy*
Thea: I wanted something authentic for our… anyway, he said he could get his hands on it, but I insisted on returning it myself. *to Felicity* Love what you've done with the place.
Oliver: *to Roy* Please tell me you didn't have sex with my sister in my spare uniform.
Roy: Of course not.
Thea: It wouldn't have fit. No, I had him borrow it so my tailor would have something to work off of when he made one for me.
Oliver: *to Thea* You gave my spare suit to your tailor?
Thea: What else was I going to do? Sew it myself? I mean, I would have had Roy do it, but you've kind of been monopolizing his time recently.
Felicity: Roy can sew?
Thea: Totally! For Christmas, he sewed me one of those leather face masks so I could shut him up during sex. *holds out phone*
Felicity: *takes phone* That is really well done. Could he make me one for Oliver?
Thea: Sure, if you can pry them apart long enough.
Felicity: I know, right? *sigh*
Oliver: Can we get back to you outing my secret identity to your tailor?
Thea: Whatever, he already knew.
Oliver: How?!
Thea: I don't know. Why don't you ask him? Roy, are you coming? We have reservations at my bedroom in thirty minutes.
Roy: But… they were gonna have an orgy.
Diggle: Threesome.
Thea: I'm sure they can manage without you watching.
Roy: How do you know I wasn't gonna be part of it?
Thea: Are you kidding? My brother may be 'The Hood' and you may be his boy wonder, but you're both total bottoms. The only thing I have to worry about is Batcave Blowjobs, which isn't infidelity if I cover my ears and pretend I didn't hear anything. Besides, the, uh, The Arrow came in the mail today. Don't you want to try it out?
Roy: … I'll be back later. Have fun with the threesome!
Oliver: Wow, wow, just wait a second there. What do you mean The Arrow came in the mail?
Thea: I've started my own line of hero themed sex toys. *hands Oliver her phone* The Arrow is twelve inches of green plastic that straps on yours truly so I can nail my boyfriend into the bed.
Felicity: *takes phone from Oliver* Classy, Thea. Are you wearing the costume with it? *hands phone to Diggle*
Thea: Of course, it's all part of his birthday present.
Diggle: *looks impressed*
Thea: My brother may not be willing and able to stick it to him the way he likes, but that doesn't mean I can't. Better then the real thing, right, Roy?
Roy: *grabs phone* It is nobody's business what Thea sticks up my ass. Or that she sticks anything up my ass. Or that… anyone sticks anything up my… you know what, screw you guys.
Felicity: That's what you get for working under two Queens and, oh my god, that did not come out the way I wanted it to.
Oliver: *pats Roy's back* I know how you feel. Have fun, kid. Take the night off.
Felicity: Bye, you two! Take pictures!
*door closes*
Felicity: Now, where were we? *pulls Oliver to the table for kinky/hot/underground lair sex*
Cleaning Lady: Don't mind me. I'll just be down here. Cleaning blood off the floor. Again. *pulls out phone and hits record* Best job ever.