Forbidden

When I first saw you, you were no different

From anyone else

Except for the fact that your eyes shone

And your hands smelled like friendship.

Time passed and I outgrew

My high pony tail

And settled for a more sophisticated style.

You outgrew your shorts and jersey

And your dimpled smile.

But your eyes still shone and your hands

Still smelled like friendship.

There came a time

When we grew almost inseparable.

The days were full of your smiles

And the nights were weary due to incessant phone calls.

Then, something changed

It started with a spark

The accursed spark of attraction. (or so I thought)

You began to see me

Not as me

But as the girl I was.

One summer's night

Under the dark tree boughs

And amidst the shrieks of the cicadas

You told me of how you had grown so fond

Of the dark haired, doe-eyed girl you thought I was.

I wept as I knew

That I could never return your love.

I was broken, lost and terrified

As I knew our companionship would not survive this storm.

With pain in my eyes

And lies on my lips

I refused to acknowledge your existence.

Defiance has always been my best friend

And it stuck by my side till the very end.

The end of your crooked one-sided smile

The end of your beautiful, happy brown eyes.

The end of your one-raised-eyebrow look

The end of what you were to me.

As I realized that you had outgrown your love

I felt the familiar feeling surge through me.

It reminded me of your smile, your eyes

Of a hot summer's day

Washing my dad's old blue mustang.

The pure smell of friendship.

I timidly ventured to talk to you

Knowing that I would face denial

Fully prepared for impending doom.

But you surprised me as usual.

Your eyes were soft, not quite warm

Staring at me from below brown bangs

Hands tucked into worn denim cut-offs

As you listened to my fumbling apologies.

You smiled and said you had forgotten it all

But the pain still lingered in your eyes.

Love lost, love gone, never to be found

You bore the pain of having me back, with a smile.

Time passed as my traitorous mind

Began to play tricks on me

My mind consistently replayed my cruel betrayal

And I berated myself even more.

My dreams were wild and real

My pain magnified a thousand times in them

My brow was covered with sweat

My hair was a tangled mess.

Slowly, unwillingly, I fell in love

With the boy who traded his happy eyes for cigarettes

With the boy who loved me for all the wrong reasons

My personal sun; my reprieve from the rain.

Like the unexpected end

The boy moved on and found the one

Who listened to him when he was angry

And cried for him when he was sad.

She loves you, I know

But it still hurts me

To imagine that I would be the one, not her

Who would kiss you good night softly.

I always loved you, now I know

But realized it too late.

For now, let all be the same

For in my next life, I know I'll know you the instant we meet.

Because your eyes will shine

And your hands will smell like friendship.

And when you tell me you love me

Under the dark boughs of the trees

Amidst the shriek of the cicadas

I shall embrace you with all my might

And whisper through teary eyes,

"I knew it. I love you too."