Written for Rowena de Vandal's 1000 Words Or Less Challenge. The task was to confront canon characters with a self-insert OC who is dead.
The Egregious Professor of Cruel and Unusual Geography had only nipped up to the lavatory 1), but when he came back to his workplace, he was met by an alarming sight. Shards of glass lay scattered over the desk and floor. Against all logic, but perfectly in keeping with the laws that governed the surroundings, the little blue and white globe was hanging in mid air, spinning gently. The most disturbing prospect was, however, not in the air, but on the ground.
Rincewind the Wizzard 2), for this was his name, carefully approached the figure lying on the floor. It was a woman, bordering on middle-aged, with short, brown hair and a face that would have been agreeable, had it not been for the disconcerting stare of the lifeless eyes. As he prodded the limp body with his foot, it rolled over to its back and his look fell on the Writing. His innate gift for languages had extended into the idioms of the artificial universe, so he read the alien letters. Then he ran.
When Lord Vetinari and his secretary arrived, the senior members of the faculty were already arguing in the gloomy cellar passage that accommodated Rincewind's desk. The approach of the tyrant silenced the wizardly bickering. Archchancellor Ridcully greeted the Patrician.
"Ah, Havelock, good of you to come. We seem to have a slight mishap with our VBT.3) This lady appears to have fallen off the globe and must have died in the process."
The Patrician looked at the sphere, which was about the size of a melon, and at the woman, who weighed at least ten stone. In a split second, he also took in Mr Stibbons' expression and realized that the young wizard was about to launch into an incomprehensible speech about dimensions, relativity and, of course, quantum.
"I understand this is possible," said Vetinari quickly, "since your VBT is bound to be of infinite size on the inside, but have you any actual evidence for your assumption?"
The Chair of Indefinite Studies handed the Patrician a key ring.
"She held this in her hand, sir. Note the alien letters on the tag, which we know are used on the Roundworld. Rincewind here can read them. Apparently it says: Anna Nicoll, Bruce High School."
Vetinari rubbed his beard. "You are telling me that an alien school teacher fell out of an artificial universe straight onto the floor in front of Professor Rincewind's desk? How did this happen?"
"Under certain circumstances, a shift in subthaumic molecular patterns might cause the wave-particle correlation to collapse and - "
"On second thoughts, Mr Stibbons, I do not really need to know. It has obviously happened, and we have to assume that the universe has its reasons. May I ask, gentlemen, why you found it necessary to summon me? I would have thought your staff, excuse the pun, would be more than capable of dealing with this kind of occurrence."
There was a general shuffling of wizardly feet.
"There is," began the Lecturer in Recent Runes, "the matter of the Writing."
"Do not hesitate to tell me more," replied Vetinari, eyeing the white letters with discreet curiosity. 4)
"Oh, silly stuff, Havelock, silly stuff," boomed Ridcully. "Can't think why a woman would want to go round with writing on her garments. Makes her look like a walking letter."
"I think it's rather nifty," said the Dean, who approved of such whims on principle.
"What does it mean?" demanded the Patrician.
Rincewind winced.
"It is in the native language of Albion, and it proclaims that Your Lordship is in possession of full authority."
Both Vetinari's eyebrows rose.
"It mentions me by name?"
"Yes, sir."
A ripple of emotion passed over Vetinari's face, but whether it was concern, or perplexity, or even amusement, was beyond the wizards to determine. A second later, his features were smooth again.
"Remarkable," he said. "White letters on black, hmm. That could have been better, but then, we cannot expect too much from an artificial universe. Mustrum, please form a committee to investigate this incident further. Oh, and Drumknott, let's send for Commander Vimes, because he would never forgive me if we didn't. I believe that is all."
"What about the body," asked the Senior Wrangler, "oughtn't we send it back home?"
All eyes turned towards Ponder Stibbons.
"Hex could devise a suitable sub-routine for interdimensional transport, but the accompanying energy surge might cause significant disturbances in the space-time-continuum, with repercussions on the... "
"Mr Stibbons!" said Ridcully sharply.
The young wizard looked deflated.
"It would be too risky," he murmured.
Vetinari patted him on the shoulder.
"Well done, Mr Stibbons. May I point out, gentlemen, that she won't be much use anyway if you send her back in her current state, unless the indigenous population has very idiosyncratic dietary habits?"
Beards moved while the wizards worked this out. Then, one after another, they nodded in agreement. Meanwhile, Vetinari had turned to leave.
"If you will excuse me now, you know what it's like, so much ruling to do. 5) Send for a hearse, Mustrum. The City will pay for the burial. Small Gods, I think, but not too close to - oh, never mind, I'll give instructions to the gravediggers. Good day, gentlemen."
When everybody else had left, Rincewind gently closed the dead woman's eyes. Then he stood beside her and contemplated her home planet in all its distinctive roundness.
"How did she manage to fall off?" he wondered. "She must have been running really fast."
1) Since The Reader in the Lavatory had left some interesting cartoon books behind, the session had been slightly longer than strictly necessary.
2) He had a new hat by now, but he still couldn't spell.
3) It was doubtful, whether it still was a Very Big Thing in its current state, but Ridcully was always loyal to the Alma Mater.
4) Not many people were capable of discreet curiosity, but Havelock Vetinari was always a cut above the rest.
5) Actually, Drumknott did the ruling.
Given that due to the competition quite a few people seem to read this who know nothing about Discworld, here are some explanations:
Unseen University, the great college of wizardry, has accidentally created an artificial universe, which is, you've guessed it, our world. On the Disc, they call it Roundworld, due to its ridiculous shape. It is referred to as the university's Very Big Thing (VBT).
Mustrum Ridcully: Archchancellor (sic) of Unseen University
Havelock, Lord Vetinari: Patrician of the city state of Ankh-Morpork and the most eloquent and most cunning man you're ever likely to meet. One of his methods to stop people from interfering in his affairs is to make them form committees. Lord Vetinari's coat of arms features a black motto on black background.
Drumknott, his secretary
Rincewind: An incompetent wizard, who is famous for running away from danger and who once fell off the edge of the world. For reasons too complex to explain here, Rincewind cannot use his office and therefore has his desk on the corridor. The Roundworld was, until the events of this story, kept in a glass globe on Rincewind's desk.
Ponder Stibbons: Professor of Inadvisably Applied Magic, youngest member of the university staff and heavily into technomancy and anything to do with quantum
Hex: the university's equivalent of a computer
The Dean: A very fat wizard, who once made himself clothes with the inscriptions: BORN TO RUNE and LIVE FATS, DIE YO GNU
Commander Vimes: In charge of the city watch
The Temple of Small Gods has a cemetery where all those are buried who cannot afford anything better. Also burial place of one John Keel, whose memory Vetinari would not like to defile by the proximity of an alien school teacher.
What qualifies this as a self-insert:
The physical description fits me.
My name is not Anna Nicoll, but theoretically it could be, and I work at a school named after a Scottish hero.
I own (and wear with gusto) a black t-shirt with the inscription "Lord Vetinari Rules".