A/N: This was inspired by a message board I happened to read, and it was tons and tons of fun to write. REVIEW if you like it because it would make me oh-so-happy.
Disclaimer: Let's just say…I owe someone a lot of money. Her name starts with a J and ends with a G.
The Battle Of The Ships
It was a lazy Friday evening in the Gryffindor common room. Ginny Weasley and a few other fifth years were chatting idly over a few copies of the Daily Prophet. A group of third year girls were giggling by the fireplace, occasionally sneaking glances at a lone and handsome fourth year boy polishing his new Nimbus 2000. A noisy group of second year boys were hurling Exploding Snap card at each other which were, incidentally, exploding. And in the far corner of the room the infamous trio was relaxing and preparing for the upcoming weekend.
"Check!" Harry said proudly as his knight moved haughtily into its place. Ron, still leaning comfortable back in his squashy armchair surveyed the board calmly. Hermione, who was lounging next to them with So You Can Levitate A Feather, Whoop-De-Do: Advanced Charms open in her lap, also glanced down at the chess board.
"Queen to E8," Ron said with a satisfied smirk. "Checkmate." Hermione snorted as Harry's mouth fell open and he began to stutter his protest.
"Wha--there's no way! How did you--Hermione, did you--? What?!"
"I dunno why you even play the whole game Harry," Ron said smugly. "You should just surrender your poor pieces at the beginning, before I get the chance to slaughter them."
"Indeed sir!" squealed one of Harry's fallen bishops for the sidelines of the board. Harry grumbled a comeback to his inspirited pieces and began throwing them back into their box.
"One day Ron…" he was saying grimly, "one day…" Ron only laughed and propped his feet up on the table they had been playing on.
"Oh," Hermione said suddenly, looking down at her watch. "We better go Ron." She shut her book and stood up. Rather grumpily, Ron did the same.
"Where are you two off to?" Harry asked, picking up a copy of Quiddich Weekly.
"We've got bloody rounds," Ron said rolling his eyes and patting his Prefects badge. "It's going to take all night."
"No it won't," Hermione assured him. "We'll get it done quickly." Ron mumbled something under his breath, but he followed Hermione to the portrait hole all the same.
After they left, Harry busied himself with reading about the Tornados' viscous victory over the Cannons while the common room hummed around him. But little did any of them know there was a battle going on miles and miles away. A battle that would shake the foundations of Harry Potter fandom…forever.
"Forever?" came a voice in the distance.
"For-ev-er." answered the police chief from 'The Sandlot'. "For-Ev-Er."
In a vast and uncharted sea, deep in the land of Fanfictinopole, the Battle of the Ships was being fought.
Salty blue waves crashed against the side of a towering scarlet and gold cruise ship. It was lined with gold cannons, pointing in every direction. Thousands and thousands of female sailors stood at attention on its smooth decks, their red hair tied in tight buns and their maroon uniforms perfectly pressed. Their scarlet flag flapped in the breeze, bearing two swirling gold letters: R/H. Yes, this was the Good Ship R/H. Their bible is GoF, their anthem is "Saved The Best For Last", and they nod fervently whenever JK Rowling speaks.
And sure enough, right across from it was its greatest rival ship, an emerald green vessel that almost matches R/H in its size. Lined with black cannons, the ships thousands of sailors also stand at attention. These females are black haired and clad in emerald green. On each and every forehead, a lightening bolt scar is stamped, and green contacts grace every eye. With an emerald green flag bearing a black lightening bolt, the ship lives by one rule, and one rule only. "The Hero Gets The Girl." This is the S.S H/H.
Many other ships float amongst these great vessels, some smaller than others. The D/Hr Battleship is barely half the H/H and R/H, with silver and green serpents decorating its outsides, but it still manages to stay afloat. The slash ships stay a fair distance from the real battle, but in their parts, The Padfoot/Moony craft rises above all. Shabby and one or two person crewed dinghies float in every which way. These boats rarely have weapons, but have been known to shout odd things like "Dean loves Dumbledore" and "Parvati and Hagrid forever!"
But the action today is between the two largest rivals in the sea of relation-ships. The ongoing battle between the hero and the sidekick plows on, as Oop told us absolutely nothing.
Aboard the Good Ship R/H:
"Captain," said a freckled sailor, busting through the door of her captains below-deck quarters. "The H/H is preparing another attack." The Captain stood from her desk, pulling an orange Chudley Cannons hat over her ginger hair.
"Tell the girls to man their stations," she said putting her hands behind her back. "Load the guns with sugar quills first, we don't want to start violence just yet."
"And if the sugar quills fail, Miss?" the sailor asked worriedly.
"I want the Prisoner of Azkaban DVD ready if that's the case," the Captain replied grimly.
"Alfonso's version?" the sailor gasped. "But Miss…They could easily retaliate…"
"I'm well aware of the movie's weak points," the Captain said shaking her head. "That's why I want the Yule Ball material ready to be fired if necessary."
"I'm on it," the sailor nodded and she exited quickly.
The Captain stepped slowly over to her port window and peered out suspiciously.
"Let's see what those scar-heads have to say today…" she hissed, catching sight of the S.S. H/H with its guns extending.
S.S. H/H:
The Captain and her crew gathered around one of their black cannons as they began loading it with cassette players. Blasting from the players was Jim Dale's voice, describing over and over how Hermione kissed Harry on the cheek at the end of GOF.
"It's…so…beautiful…" a teary eyed first mate whispered, removing her thick black glasses to dry her green eyes.
"Let's see what those bickering weasels have to say to this!" the Captain shouted victoriously, raising her Firebolt high in the air to give the order. "FIRE!" came the holler.
The air was filled with the narrative of Jim Dale. From the mini telescope handed to her, the Captain of the S.S. H/H could see the members of the "Good Ship" falling to their golden decks with their hands over their ears.
Back on the Good Ship:
"Damn them!" screamed a trembling R/H from the deck.
"Ladies please!" their red-headed Captain yelled, bounding up the steps and onto the upper deck. "She was only worried about him! She was afraid he was going to die!" The crew began to calm, and many removed their hands whispering frantically "platonic, platonic…" Knowing they were beat, the S.S. H/H ceased the narrative and Jim's voice died away.
"Is that the best they can do?" the Captain snarled angrily. "Jimmy can work to our advance too! Someone get me Order of Phoenix! I think they need a fresh dose of Krum jealousy!"
"Captain!" came a shriek from the stairs. The Captain turned and watched as a young girl with an afro of bushy brown hair and a giant timer turner bling-bling necklace swinging around her neck stumbled her way up to the deck. "We have a possible moment!"
Murmurs erupted from the crew and they gathered around excitedly. In one step the Captain had reached the girl and was shaking her by the shoulders.
"Go on!" she demanded.
"Prefect duties!" was all the girl could say breathlessly, before she was thrown to the deck and the Captain was leaping down the steps to the Portrait Room, from which she could oversee her favorite couple's activity. A stampede of redheads followed her.
Back on the S.S. H/H, they had made the same discovery and the entire spectacle wearing crew was gathered around a Mirror of Erised, watching critically.
Hogwarts:
Ron and Hermione were walking slowly through the Hogwarts corridors, making sure that all the younger students were back in their common rooms. Ron had his hands in his pockets and Hermione was chewing on her fingernails."I hate this," Ron complained with a sigh.
"He hates it because he's with her!" screamed the Captain of the H/H, "that selfish bastard!"
"Ron, you're a Prefect," Hermione reminded him in an annoyed tone, "You should be honored."
"Whatever you say," Ron said sarcastically, rolling eyes.
"He'll do whatever she says! Because he loves her!" the R/H Captain pointed out, jumping with joy.
"I'm a little hungry," Hermione said after a while, putting a hand on her stomach.
"Why didn't you eat at dinner?" Ron asked.
"You know I hate Shepard's pie," she reminded him dully.
"Oh yeah I forgot," Ron recalled wearily, "it gives you gas."
"He forgot because he doesn't care about her!" the black haired H/H first mate hollered. The crew around her was shaking their heads in disgust.
The pair of them continued to walk sluggishly down the corridor for another quarter of an hour
before Ron spoke again.
"Hey, I found a Bertie Bott's Bean in my pocket," he said, pulling the lint covered bean from his robes and offering it to her, "want it?"
With tears streaming down her face, the Captain of the R/H whispered, "…his last bean. He would give her anything…"
"Er…no thank you," Hermione said, her nose cringing at the old bean, "I'm not that hungry."
"She would never take anything from him!" an H/H girl laughed viciously.
"He would take it the wrong way, she knows it!" another added.
"That Hermione is always thinking," swooned another girl with slick and shiny brown hair, perfect teeth and a Super Woman costume on.
"I think we're all set, we can go back now," Hermione finally yawned as they rounded their last corridor. Ron gave a sigh of relief and they both began to walk briskly toward the common room.
"What did you set as the new password?" Ron asked as they reached the Fat Lady's portrait.
"I love Viktor Krum," Hermione told him, blushing slightly and turning her head to the side.
"That's a good one," Ron said indifferently, and he repeated it to the Fat Lady who admitted them with an odd expression on her face.
"Viktor Krum is a seeker!" Captain H/H pointed out to her crew, "and so isn't Harry!"
"She's saying she loves Harry!" five or six girls cheered jovially. The room was filled with merriment.
"Ron idolizes Viktor Krum," the R/H Captain deducted slowly, "so she's imitating Ron by saying that she loves him…"
"And why would she imitate him…" a girl said in awe.
"…if she didn't love Ron!" the rest of the crew cried in unison.
"She loves him!" The room was filled with merriment.
"That sounds a little far fetched…" said a girl from the corner of the room whose eyebrows were beginning to become bushy. The room was instantly silent.
"What?" the Captain growled quietly. All the gorgeous blue eyes in the room glared at their now very nervous crew member.
"W-well," she stuttered, "it just seems to me that, if Hermione said 'I love Viktor Krum' then maybe she loves--" but the girl was unable to finish for at the moment the Captain made a furious motion toward the door with her head. Five or six red-heads grabbed the trembling girl and dragged her up the steps. Moments later a splashing could be heard from outside.
Harry was still in the common room when Ron and Hermione entered and he looked as they plopped down into squashy armchairs next to him.
"How did it go?" Harry asked curiously.
"JEALOUSY!" erupted from the S.S. H/H.
"It wasn't too bad," Ron said, stretching his legs out and placing his hands behind his head.
"It was all right," Hermione agreed, picking up a book and opening it to where she left off.
"They don't want to tell Harry how truly lovely it was, because they know he'll be jealous," Captain R/H said smugly.
"Just like the Forest, their love is so Forbidden," sighed a younger R/H.
Hermione yawned very widely and closed her book.
"I think I'll go to bed," she told the boys as she stood up and stretched her arms over her head. They nodded and she began to make her way toward the girls' staircase. But as she passed Harry's chair, she stubbed her foot on the wooden leg and tripped. Harry reached out an arm and caught her before her face hit the ground.
"OMG!" shrieked the H/H Captain.
"O,"
"M,"
"G!" repeated her crew. The sound of celebration echoed so loudly that it could be heard aboard the The Good Ship.
"Damn them!" cursed the Captain R/H, throwing her hat to the ground.
"Thanks Harry," Hermione said, straightening herself and standing up. "goodnight. Goodnight Ron!"
"Night," the boys said together and Hermione strode slowly up the girls' staircase.
Relief was evident aboard the The Good Ship.
"She made sure to say goodnight to Ron!" the crew was singing.
"Just so he knows," the Captain whispered to herself with a choked voice, "just so he knows…"
For the rest of the evening, the warships were peaceful, each thinking that they had gotten the better of the other.
But in the corner of the common room, someone's heart was breaking. In semidarkness Dean Thomas sat, cradling an Albus Dumbledore Chocolate Frogs' card.
"Oh Albus," he whispered longingly, "will you ever know how my heart pines?"
All five crew members of The Hot Ship Dean/Dumbledore exploded into joyous celebration.
A/N: Well…I thought it was funny. Now, REVIEW! Just. Do. It.
PS: I love the Sandlot and the "OMG" thing came from the Channel Noggin and the show Degrassi. You know you love it.