Disclaimer: Hi. I'm not Jo Rowling. If you continue to read, this will be obvious. This is slashy but not explicit. No point hanging around if you can't deal with manlovin'. Rated R to be on the safe side, but it's relatively tame.
Categories: SB/RL slash, MWPP post-Hogwarts. A little angst, a little romance, a little sex. The best of all possible worlds. ;)
Title: From a song by Ari Hest called "Monsters," the following lyrics being, I think, particularly appropriate:
At the midnight hour you can feel the minutes fade
Licking wounds from yesterday, bracing for tomorrow's stage
I create these monsters, seems like every way I can
It's never my intention, but somehow it feels strangely planned
I'd rather forget all about my past
Cruel how these moments never cease to last
And you could do better than this
If you refuse to hide
These monsters will subside
A/N: Long-time lurker, relatively new writer. Please share your thoughts! This will probably be done in four parts -- I hope to get a new chapter up every couple days, but sometimes I need a kick in the pants.
Remus drew his pocketwatch from the inside of his robes for perhaps the tenth time that evening, but it was merely a nervous gesture. He knew what time it was; he could tell by looking at the sky. In little more than half an hour it would be pitch dark, the full moon would emerge from behind the clouds, and he would endure his monthly torment once more.
Where the hell were they? He cursed his friends under his breath as he replaced the watch, which only confirmed his worst fears: this month, for the first time in years, he would have to get through a full moon alone. Every month since he and his three best friends had graduated from Hogwarts nearly a year ago they had met in this long-deserted field to keep Remus company throughout the night. He pawed the ground with one foot absently as he thought, not without some bitterness, But it couldn't have gone on forever. They have their own lives now. They can't babysit poor, wretched Moony every month for the rest of their lives -- how could I be so stupid to think for a moment they would?
He was always at his most volatile and self-abusive during the days and hours leading up to the full moon. He tried to take deep breaths and regain control of himself, for the final precious moments when that would be possible. They may be busy but they are not unfeeling, he reassured himself. If they couldn't make it they would have told me; they're merely delayed. Still, fear welled in him at the prospect of transforming without their comforting presence -- worse still, what if they arrived after his tranformation, Merlin forbid, and he attacked one of them?
He had worked himself up into such a nervous frenzy that he nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard a loud popping noise behind him. He whirled around, relieved to see it was Sirius, apparated a few feet away.
"I'm so sorry, Remus, I hope--" the man began as he strode toward his friend, a concerned look on his face. Remus couldn't help it, he was so anxious and relieved he grabbed Sirius' shoulders and pulled him into an embrace more roughly than he would have any other night of the month. Sirius squeezed him back reassuringly. "I hope we didn't worry you too much."
"It's all right," Remus responded, pulling away. "Where are James and Peter?"
"Erm..." Sirius looked away, his face betraying the annoyance he intended his explanation to mask. "They can't make it -- they're both busy. They contacted me at the last minute -- I guess you'd already left your flat. Peter said his mother is back in the hospital. But James--"
Remus could sense his friend's ire rise as he pronounced James' name. "It's all right," he interrupted, dully. He couldn't help but feel a little hurt, but he couldn't blame his friend, either.
"No, it's not!" Sirius responded with unchecked rage. "It's unfair to you, Remus, we've made a promise to you, you need us more than--"
"No," Remus said, more calmly than he expected. Sirius' anger seemed enough for both of them. "He's getting married in a couple weeks. He's right to spend his time with Lily. He has different priorities now--"
"It's not right! We are your friends, and if that means anything at all to him--"
"Sirius, things had to change eventually. We're not kids anymore. James has a life of his own, and I don't really need all four of you every month. And the truth is," he said, putting a hand on his friend's shoulder, "you shouldn't feel obligated to come every month, either."
"I would rather die than miss even one month, Remus. And I don't feel obligated, either." He met Remus' steadying gaze and began to calm down, continuing with level sincerity. "This is what it means to be a friend. There is nowhere else I could ever want to be. I would rather die."
Even in his current miserable state Remus couldn't help but be cheered by his words. He smiled, then ran the hand still on Sirius' shoulder lightly down the length of his sleeve and tugged at the robes lightly at the wrist. "Come on. You should go ahead and transform."
"There's still time--"
"Please. It worries me when we cut things close."
"All right." Sirius stepped back a bit and fell to all fours, becoming a shaggy, overgrown black dog. He looked up at Remus expectantly, barked once, and sat down on the dry earth.
Remus followed suit, sitting close enough to pat the dog on the head and stroke his back. "Ah, Padfoot. You are such a comfort to me. I hope you realize how much it means to me, your being here with me tonight."
The dog inched closer and nuzzled Remus' thigh in response, settling his head him his friend's lap.
"I meant what I said, though, even if you don't think you'll need to take me up on it anytime soon. If it's ever too much -- even for just one month -- I wouldn't blame you--"
Padfoot emitted an admonishing growl and Remus chuckled, scratching him behind one ear. "I know. No self-pity. I'm just trying to tell you, I could never resent you, Sirius. And I certainly don't resent James or Peter. But we've always shared a certain bond, you and I -- I think you understand me better than anyone. You are -- well, I mean, I don't know what I've ever done to deserve a friend like you."
Remus always found it easier to talk to Sirius honestly when he had assumed his animagus form, not least because Sirius couldn't make any sarcastic comments back. But he had always been the most guarded of the four friends, the result of a lifetime of rejection and secrecy, and he had an easier time saying what he truly felt when he didn't have to look the person in the face. Though Sirius' eyes were always the same: lovely grey eyes, earnest and playful, always searching his own as if inspecting his soul, whether dog or human...
"I've never told you before, Sirius, but I--" His stomach lurched before he could finish his sentence, and he felt his skin grow suddenly chilled all over his body. He looked up at the sky again, wincing. He'd endured this hundreds of times by now, but it never got any easier. He pulled away from Sirius, turning over onto his hands and knees, gasping. His body reacted as if it were going into shock as his organs realigned, his limbs deformed and hair began to sprout all over his body. He rapidly lost control of his thoughts as he made the transformation from man to wolf, finally letting out a long, low howl into the silent dark.
The wolf turned to his canine packmate and nipped at his fur in recognition. With an assured gesture of his head the wolf pointed the direction and led the way for their midnight prowl.
At the first sign of dawn Remus resumed his natural shape, falling to the ground in a heap, exhausted and unable to support himself. Sirius made his conscious transformation a moment later, dropping to his friend's side, gathering him in his arms. "Do you have the strength to sit?"
Remus was shivering and limp, still struggling to breathe and regain control of his body. "I don't -- I don't know," he gasped.
Frightened, Sirius realized that in truth he could not and gently lowered his body to the ground once more. He'd never seen Remus in such a weak state following a full moon before. "Remus, have you been taking care of yourself?"
Remus could not, or would not, reply, and Sirius realized his shoulders were shaking in soundless, dry sobs. He lay down next to him, grasping his arms supportively, and realized his skin was still desperately frozen.
"Oh god," he murmured with real fear. He sat up again, removing his cloak and putting a warming charm on it. He wrapped it around Remus as best he could without moving his body too much. Remus continued sobbing and shivering convulsively despite the warmth.
Sirius felt desperate, with no idea what he should do to help his friend. He couldn't take him to a hospital -- for one, he was in no condition to apparate and there was no other easy way to leave the miles of farmland, and for another, he was terrified to find out how an alarmed, prejudiced staff would see fit to treat a werewolf. No, he was much safer right here -- but how could Sirius help him? And what was the cause of this unprecedented reaction?
Remus let out a moan of pain and Sirius lay next to him again, embracing him with one arm and stroking his cheek with his other hand, trying to at least comfort him if he didn't know how to numb the pain. What most concerned Sirius was his low body temperature, despite the warming charm and temperate spring morning air. First and foremost, he decided, he had to find a way to warm Remus up.
He wrapped both arms around Remus more tightly, folding his head and arms up against his own warm chest. He held him as close to his own body as he possibly could, willing every ounce of his own strength to transfer to his friend's body. He exhaled his hot breath onto the exposed portion of Remus' neck, hoping that covered everything, and that it would make a difference.
After about 15 minutes he felt Remus' pulse grow stronger and a wave of relief washed over him. He was doing the right thing -- it would only take a bit more time. Not for a moment did the seriousness of the situation escape him but he allowed his body to relax, stroking Remus' back with much the same motions Remus used when he was in his dog form, hoping Remus derived the same comfort from his touch now.
Despite his terrified concern for Remus' health, a surge of pleasure flowed through Sirius' body as he held his friend close. It was a somewhat foreign sensation, one he didn't quite know how to name -- after all, under no circumstances had he ever been this close to another person before. In fact he might never have settled on the source of the feeling if his body hadn't so blatantly solved the mystery for him -- as it was, there was no mistaking the realization that he was, fiercely if inappropriately, aroused.
Both his mind and pulse began to race, thoughts occurring to him at random and with no obvious answers. Since when? Why now? With my friend? Oh, god, it feels so right... But what will he think of me? How will I ever look at him the same? And how did I never notice how amazing he smells until now...?
Remus began to stir, bringing Sirius' attention back to reality once more. He realized Remus was breathing more regularly, and his skin had resumed a normal temperature. "Thank Merlin, Remus..." he breathed into the other man's neck.
Remus, regaining control of his limbs, grasped Sirius' shirt with both hands and lifted his head, neither speaking nor meeting Sirius' eye, and lowered it again to his neck, nuzzling him with his nose.
Sirius choked back a sigh of delight, trying to control himself in the wake of his life-altering revelation. He felt his restraint seriously tested as Remus continued to caress the sensitive skin of his neck with his nose, more insistently -- now with his mouth -- It's as if he can read my mind... Or -- Sirius Suddenly realized in horror, can feel my erection! He tried to maneuver his lower body away from Remus', but this only caused Remus to strengthen his grip and with one sudden move push Sirius onto his back, positioning himself squarely on top.
"Ohhh..." Sirius moaned quietly, lifting his head to expose his entire neck to Remus' now ravenous exploration. With a hungry combination of lips, tongue and and teeth he all but devoured his neck, moving on to Sirius' lips in vicious attacks which could hardly be called kisses and which Sirius had no idea how to return, but relished with ecstacy. He was utterly confused but gave himself up to Remus' vagary without question, surrendering himself to this touch he only moments ago realized he desperately needed.
The moment was only broken when Remus let out a long, savage and frankly inhuman growl. Sirius looked at him, eyes now wild with panic. "Remus?"
The other man gave no sign of hearing, nor any sign of stopping. "Remus, Remus please--" Sirius tried to push him back but he would not be moved.
All in an instant Sirius morphed into the enormous dog, surprising Remus long enough to flip him onto his backside and pin him to the ground. The look in his eyes was one Sirius had never seen before, and hoped never to again -- utterly possessed and almost feral. As Padfoot, Sirius barked loudly, clamping down hard on the man's shoulders, trying to jar him back into reality.
"Sirius -- Sirius?" Remus' murderous glare faded into confused terror, and Sirius backed off, changing once again into his human form. He struggled for a moment to regain his breath as Remus fought his way to a sitting position.
"Oh no," Remus breathed, seeing how truly terrified Sirius looked, despite his best attempt to look normal. "What did I do to you?"
"Nothing, Remus," Sirius replied forcefully. "Nothing. It's all right."
"No it's not. You have to tell me -- I -- god, did I hurt you?"
"You didn't hurt me." Sirius eyed him, trying to decide what to say -- he had the right to know exactly what had happened, only how to put it? Sirius realized Remus remembered nothing since he had changed back at dawn -- nor had he done any of it consciously. "You -- well, you sort of... kissed me."
"I didn't kiss you. I attacked you."
"Somewhere in between the two is the most accurate word, I think."
Remus didn't seem able to look him in the eye any longer. "Did I bite you?"
"No. You sort of ran your teeth along my skin-- But you didn't bite me. You didn't hurt me, Remus."
"Sort of like I was claiming you, dominating you, right?"
"I don't know--"
"You have to realize that's exactly what I do, during the full moon."
"Well, you're like the alpha-wolf, Remus."
"Doesn't it bother you that I've apparently taken to acting that way in the daylight?" He spoke with more bitterness than Sirius expected, but he stil refused to look at him. "I lost control of myself this morning, Sirius."
"Please, Remus, don't do this to yourself."
"It's not the first time. I don't think you've noticed, but the last few months... I've been having a harder time adjusting each time. I wake up in this body at dawn, and I don't know who I am..."
Sirius wanted to reach out to his friend and comfort him, but he was just as wary of contact now, only for different reasons. He was ashamed -- utterly disgusted -- at his reaction that morning, how long he'd allowed it to go on -- wanted it to go on... "Do you have any idea why? Why it's suddenly more difficult?"
"I think--" Remus paused, then shook his head. "I don't know."
Sirius was certain he did have at least a theory, but didn't want to press him now.
"Listen," Remus said, standing, still refusing to look Sirius in they eye. "I'm really sorry, but I -- I think I need to be alone for a while. I really do hope I didn't hurt you too badly."
He took a few steps away, thinking to himself, He's got to think I'm some sort of sick freak, doing that to him. Without a look backward, he apparated away.
Exhausted and defeated, Sirius buried his face in his hands. You moron, he thought. You absolute arse. How could you let him leave thinking it's his fault, when you encouraged it? How could you believe he'd ever really want to touch you that way?
He pulled himself to his feet with an angry growl. He hated himself for his self-pity even more than his stupid behavior. He'd find a way to fix things, but for now there was no use in feeling sorry for himself. With a pop, he apparated away himself.