"Welcome, Welcome one and all, to How To Be a Hero!
"And now, here's your host... glorious, villainous, dramatic, and an elemental of the air... Sorceror Vaati!"
Thank you! Thank you very much! You're all so useless... Our contestants of the day. Facing Onox, General of Darkness, and Veran, Sorceress of Shadows, here's our first contestant, Duo! The only Link to save two worlds at once, and he isn't sure if it was a dream or not! Duo, don't tell me about yourself.
"I-"
Curse your name, too! Our second moronic contestant. He conducted the winds like an orchestra, he's the youngest and the strangest, he faced Ganon and Bellum and save worthless hides... Here's... Toony! Don't tell me about yourself. You're useless.
"Well-"
Horrible! The third, and last, pointless contestant, is... Ocarina! He faced Ganon, Ganondorf, and depending on what timeline you look at, for he split the world three different ways, Majora. The only contestant to travel through time! Don't tell me about yourself.
"Um-"
You're worthless! All of you! Moving on. I have four challenges for each of you buffoons, all of them immensely complex, something you've never seen before, and designed to test your puny minds! The first challenge, an elimination challenge, is called Breaking the Bank.
Your challenge is quite simple. You must go through this bank, guarded by the Vassals of Hyrule, Phantoms, Reaplings, and several other persons and creatures. The goal is to steal the loot inside! You are the villain in this challenge. The more money you steal, the more likely you are to not get eliminated!
Now, let's see the heroes become the villains. Ready? Set... Go!
Well... First, Duo, who stole a paltry hundred Rupees. Second, Ocarina, who stole a large gold Rupee and large blue rupee, five hundred! Third, the best contestant so far, Toony, who stole one hundred thousand Rupees!
Looks like I'll decide who's eliminated! Not that anything you could do would've made any difference, but it's the point of the matter. Let's see... Our first incompetent moron to be eliminated, Ocarina!
"But I made second place!"
I have no care for your little squabblings. You are eliminated, do not force me to use the trapdoor.
"I made second place! You should've eliminated Duo!"
(Vaati pulls trapdoor, and Ocarina falls down. All of them peer there heads down to look. Vaati is smiling)
You forced my hand. Enjoy this endless pit of doom! I'll throw a Heart Container down there sometime next decade.
The second challenge is the only one of its kind, a choice challenge. The winner will have the choice to either eliminate himself, bring back Ocarina, or seek a panel of judges! He will get two choices out of them.
The task for this challenge is an excellent one, a Battle of the Elements. Each of you will be temporarily granted the powers of, and you may each choose one, water, fire, air, or earth.
First choice: Duo.
"Oooh, ooh! Water! Water! I choose water! Did you hear? WATER! W-A-T-E-"
I heard you, idiot! Now, you moron, I grant you the power of water! A stupid choice, because the first battle will be in a dry, arid, desert climate with no water! Idiot!
Second choice: Toony.
"I request the powers of earth."
Your foolish request is granted. Now, the challenge is to pass four battles in four climates. The first battle will be... against five giant Stalfos in the Gerudo Desert!
The second battle will be... against the Gyorg Pair, Cyclok, and Helmaroc King in the sky!
The third battle will be... against Phytops and Giant Octorok underwater!
The fourth battle will be... against Stagnox, Queen Gohma, Giant Green ChuChu, and Plant Nightmare in a forest!
Enjoy your journey through the devil's home!
Well... It took you five Heart Containers, fourteen Revives, nineteen Potions, you went through seven swords, two boomerangs, twenty shields, and four pairs of clothing, but you finally made it through my challenge! Great! The winner is, because he only used one pair of clothing, none of the boomerangs, only three of the swords, albeit he used thirteen of the shields, and seven of the revives, the winner is... Toony! You may now make a choice.
"I would wike Ocawina to weturn, and wequest a panel of judges."
Request granted! Ocarina, welcome back to the competition! I hate you! All of you! And the judges are... Great Evil King, Ganondorf! King of Evil, Ganon! Gerudo Swordsman, Gannon! From... the games of: Ocarina of Time! The Oracles! And Wind Waker!
The judges will exert approximately 0.000000000000001% influence over my decisions. Now! Third challenge, an elimination challenge! The loser is eliminated. You are to go through one dungeon with 45 floors that was specially created by the judges! And me. Mostly me. You morons have the goal of getting through all 45 floors in 30 minutes! To aid you, every fifth floor will be a checkpoint if today is Novembus 27th. Unfortunately, it's not. Therefore, Floor One, Thirteen, Twenty-two, Thirty-three, and Forty will be checkpoints! In addition, you will be granted an extra thirty seconds for every floor completed under a minute.
Finally, all the floors after forty are boss fights! Get ready for the longest, most grueling, worst, most horrible, difficult dungeon ever conceived, one of which none of you baboons have never seen before, in under 30 minutes!
"What happens if we exceed the minutes?"
Stupid question! Your life will begin to be absorbed into all the enemies in the temple, making you weaker and them stronger! Fortunately, you all have ten Heart Containers. Unfortunately, there's no way to regain hearts in the temple, except for the Twenty-third floor.
Get ready. Set... Go!
"That... was the longest... most grueling... worst... most horrible... difficult... dungeon ever conceived... none of us have ever set eyes on it before... and we did it... barely... in 30 minutes... except Duo..."
Duo, you have been specially selected by myself to be eliminated! King of Evil Ganon wasn't resurrected properly, so he was destroyed. But I do know he wanted all three of you eliminated! Meaning destroyed. All of them, however, voted for Ocarina! However, because they have a 0.00000000000000001% influence over me, I decided!
You puny idiots have completed three challenges! This last one, however, is the hardest to ever be conceived.
You will again go through a dungeon... But that's not all. Each floor has a different basis, different enemies, different puzzles, different bosses. The first floor is water... the fourth is volcano...
No time limit. But, to access the next floor, all enemies and bosses must be defeated. Each floor, you will be given a random weapon that will aid you with the puzzles, three of which must be solved to unlock the door.
You each get to keep two weapons with you at the beginning. The sword and the shield, as well as anything you brought with you.
"That was miserable, long, grueling, worst, horrible, terrible, difficult, challenging..."
Well, it looks like you two managed to complete the dungeon of one hundred floors! Now... who is the winner? Ocarina or Toony...
The decision of myself is... Toony! Winner by a bare margin! Though Gerudo Swordsman Ganondorf wanted you eliminated, but Great Evil King Ganon preferred the destruction of Ocarina, and King of Evil Ganon was, again, a mindless raging beast, and through sheer lack of intelligence, opted to not judge.
Toony! Your prize is... all the Rupee winnings of everyone from the first challenge! A Wind Waker! A Phantom Hourglass! A Spirit Train! A n ice cream! And some random monster's red, dead, cold eyeball.
Ocarina! Your consolation prize is... a free trip to Hyrulean Burger! You can get a large Kid's meal, half an Adult's meal, and three Baby's Meals! Enjoy!
I hope you were mortified by this! Don't enjoy! I hope I won't see you next time!